I broke down in tears at the New Year's party in Japan - social anxiety

The year was 2011. We were having

a New Year's party at the guest house in

Japan. It was my first ever New Year's

party. I've never really been to like a

party where a load of people would gather

in a big— in a large area,

and I was already really anxious about it

and really worrying about it. I didn't

really feel like I had close friends that

I could cling to at the guest house. I had

a girlfriend at the time, but I was really

unhappy with our relationship. During the

night, we were very close and intimate,

but during the day, it felt like she was

just ignoring me the whole time. She

wouldn't even sit with me or talk to me

during the day. She would just be with her

friends the whole time who were in the

guest house, and I just felt really

abandoned and isolated. I felt like,

you're supposed to be my girlfriend, how

come you just ignore me the whole time?

How come you're just fussing around with

other people the whole time? So I was

in the living room the whole time during

the party, and I was just sitting on my

own because I didn't have the confidence

to go up to people and talk to them or

join in with groups who were talking and

doing things. So I just kind of sat there

on my own. In the corner on my phone for

about 20 minutes, and then things got

worse and worse. I was getting more and

more— I felt more and more uneasy and

uncomfortable. And after about 20 minutes

at the party, I just left the room.

I was almost running back up to my room in

the guesthouse and I went into my room, I

locked the door, and I turned the light

off, and I just sat on my bed in like a

fetal position, and I just started crying.

I just cried so much. I felt so pathetic.

Like I hadn't accomplished anything. I

hadn't made any progress. I was at this

party and I still couldn't

function like a normal person in a social

event, and I felt so defeated. I just

cried for about 10 or 15 minutes,

and I was so depressed. I didn't know what

to do. I wanted to be at the party, but at

the same time, I felt so uncomfortable and

unwanted at the party, if that makes

sense. After about 10 or 15 minutes

crying, I felt a lot better. I felt kind

of stupid, and I laughed to myself. Why am

I crying? It's just a party. No one there

hates you. There are people there you can

call friends. People would be interested

in talking to you. So after about 10 or 15

minutes crying, I wiped my face.

My face was all like puffy. My eyes were

all puffed up after crying and my eyes

were all red. So I waited for about 5

minutes to try and let my face recover.

I wiped my tears away and I went back

down and I felt a lot better. I felt like

I didn't know what I was worrying about.

I felt like all the stress and the anxiety

had left me for a bit. I wasn't

as uncomfortable

after that happened and I went

back downstairs, went back to the party

and I think I played on the PlayStation

3 with someone. We were playing Tekken or

Soulcalibur or something,

and I just ended up spending the rest of

the party playing Tekken, and random

people would come up to me and would play

Tekken or Soulcalibur.

It was just such a difficult situation. I

didn't know what to do. A normal person in

that situation, they wouldn't just sit on

their own in the corner of a room. They

would walk around, go up to people, talk

about stuff, but I just, I can't do that.

Even now, I don't have the

confidence to be able to do things like

that. Now I just avoid those situations

altogether. And I just remember

being so frustrated with myself. I thought

I had made progress. I thought I was more

confident than I was before, but I

couldn't even enjoy a New Year's Day

party without running to my room and

having like a breakdown. And I felt so

frustrated with my girlfriend at the time.

She just completely ignored me. She didn't

even sit with me or talk to me. She was

fussing over this Japanese guy who had

drunk a lot of alcohol and he was like

throwing up and collapsing and everyone

was fussing over him.

I guess I felt really jealous. How come

she was fussing over this guy so much and

she didn't even pay any attention to me

even though we're in a relationship? It

didn't make any sense to me. I know it

sounds kind of clingy, like I want her to

be next to me all the time just because

she's my girlfriend. Maybe a lot of people

would think that that's unreasonable, but

for me, I felt like it would have been—

that's what normal couples do.

They keep each other company. They stay

together. They talk to each other. They

don't just ignore each other for the whole

day or evening. And I was really unhappy

with the relationship. She would say, I

spend all night and all evening with you.

I can't spend all day with you as well.

I'm just spend some time with my friends.

I guess when you say it like that, it

makes sense and makes me sound really

unreasonable, which I guess I was. But I

can't help— I couldn't help but feel

really jealous and irritated that she

would spend all day with her friends.

It's not like she was out with her

friends. We were in the same guesthouse.

Her friends were people I knew who were

Also living at the guesthouse. So I guess

they were kind of my friends as well, but

I didn't really talk to people or sit

with people. I was always sitting on my

own, and I guess I just wanted her to come

and sit with me so I didn't feel so alone,

but she would never do that. She would

always be laughing and messing around with

the other people, and I felt really

jealous. At first she found it— she said

it was cute, and she was happy that I was

jealous because it means that, that I

cared enough to be jealous. But I guess I

took it too far, especially when I started

getting angry and I would say like mean

stuff to her because she wasn't paying

attention to me. I was really immature in

that relationship. I just didn't know how

to handle the situation properly. And I

just didn't feel satisfied. I didn't feel

like she, she satisfied

my emotional needs,

and I ended up getting really jealous.

Every time another guy would talk to her

or get her attention, I felt really

jealous, and I just ended up hating that

person. There was this Spanish guy that I

absolutely hated, and then there's this

American guy who I really hated as well

because they were like really flirty and

touchy people, especially Spanish people.

They're so— Spanish guys are like really

flirty and charismatic, and I felt really

insecure and intimidated by that.

I hated him so much, and it's really

stupid. I don't— I didn't have any real

reason to hate him, but I did because

I was jealous.

I don't know if it was really obvious that

I had been crying. My face was all puffy,

my eyes were red. You know when you cry,

it kind of makes your eyes look like

they're swollen. I don't really know how

to describe it, but I think it was kind of

obvious that I had been crying. People

kept coming up to me and trying to talk to

me, and it was really awkward. I didn't

really know what to talk about. And then

nearing the end of the party, everyone sat

down at the table to eat. Everyone had

paid ¥500 or something to, to take

food from the kitchen. I didn't want to

pay. I bought my own food, so I didn't eat

with anyone. I just— I ate some— I can't

even remember what I ate, but I didn't

leave the PlayStation the whole evening.

I just ate by the PlayStation, then I

carried on playing Soulcalibur. There were

a few other people who were interested in

games, so they kept me company, which made

it a lot easier. But without the

PlayStation or my phone, I would have felt

really out of place. Like, I wouldn't have

known what to do. It would

have been really awkward. I would have

just sat there staring at the wall if I

didn't have internet or games. It was just

such an uncomfortable experience.

I didn't tell anyone about it. It was too

embarrassing. I didn't even tell my

girlfriend at the time. I don't even know

what she would have said or if she would

I don't know why, but after you've had a

good cry you do feel a lot better. It's

like you release all the tension and the

anxiety and the negative feelings. They

kind of get flushed out after you've had a

good cry. It feels refreshing. I felt

refreshed after crying for 10 minutes or

15 minutes in my room. It was really

strange. I never realized that crying had

such a powerful effect.

Usually people would think crying is like

a sign of weakness. A man would never cry

in front of people or admit that he cried

about something because it's like in our

society it's not considered as manly.

It's like weak and kind of pathetic.

But if it

helps relieve stress and

anxiety, then I don't really I think it's

a good thing. It's not a bad thing. Maybe

it's not something you want to do in front

of people or tell people about on an

online video website, but it really helped

me out. I felt so much better after

crying.

Yeah, I just— I couldn't control it. The

first 20 minutes of the party was just

like a nightmare. I was so nervous and

uncomfortable. Thank God I had my own room

to go to. If I was sharing a room with

someone, or if it was a dormitory, or if I

didn't have a private space, I guess I

would have gone to the toilets and done

it. Anyway, that was my little story.

My first ever New Year's celebration

party in Japan. It was, um,

An interesting experience, I guess.