I messaged my Ex Girlfriend

So I've just had a really weird night.

It's 2 AM in the morning and I just

really needed to talk about this. I don't

really have anyone to talk about this to,

so, so I thought I'd

make a video and just talk to my camera

about it. So, uh, I don't even know where

to begin. So, okay,

I use this website, okay, for— well, I use

it every day. It's called lang8.com, and

it's basically a website where if you want

to learn a language, you can write a

diary. And, um, you write the

diary in the language you're learning,

and native speakers of the language you're

learning will come and give you

corrections. And sometimes it suggests It

suggests to me blogs,

diaries that are written by other users,

by Japanese people. And, um,

there was this guy, he wrote a blog, a

diary about the Northern Territories,

um, of Japan, the northernmost islands in

Japan, which were kind of invaded

by Russia in 1945. And all the Japanese

people were forcefully evicted from the

islands. And I scroll down

this, this diary post, I scroll down to

the comments, and I

see this name, a name from the past.

Uh, a few of you may know who I'm talking

about if you've seen my earlier videos,

the video where I talk about when I nearly

got married to a Japanese woman.

The person who left the comment on that

diary post was her. It was her.

It was her name. It was such

a shock. At first I saw her name on

commenting and I was like, oh, she has the

same name as, as the woman I nearly got

married to in Japan. And then I looked at

the picture. It kind of looks like her.

She had black hair and she looked Asian.

Well, that— you could say that for all

Japanese women. The picture was very

small, so I couldn't really tell. So I

clicked on the profile and the image

enlarged, and oh my God,

it was her. It was, it was her. I couldn't

believe it. I hadn't— I haven't seen this

face for over 2 years. I deleted

all my photos I had of her, and I remember

this photo of her because she had it on

her Facebook from before when she used to

have a Facebook account. I just— I

can't believe— I can't believe it's her.

I can't believe I found her profile by

complete coincidence. I was clicking

through people's diaries and then looking

at the comments and Her name just appeared

and her photo. I clicked on her profile.

It looked like she started writing diaries

on lang-8.com in November

this year, so she's only been on the

website for not even 2 months.

And I read— I'll tell you the truth,

I read all of her diaries because I was

wondering if she had written something

about me. But she didn't write anything

about me. It was all just stuff about

things like dogs and stuff about Japanese

culture. And there were a lot of diaries

about wars. I didn't even know she was so

interested in wars, like World War II. It

kind of surprised me. I just— I can't

believe I found her. What are the chances?

I know This website isn't exactly a huge

website. If you go onto Wikipedia, it

states that it has around 750,000

users, but that's like a 1 in 750,000

chance to find this one person that,

that I was in a relationship with.

I just, I can't believe it. What are the

Okay, so you could say that it's not

exactly 750,000 users because,

um, out of that 750,000 users,

how many of them are Japanese?

And, uh, because I'm focused on studying

Japanese, then obviously I'm going to be

put into, um, I would have a higher chance

of encountering the Japanese people on the

website. And it is pretty much the number

one website when it comes to,

um, learning languages, posting diaries

and having native speakers correct them

for you. So I guess that does make

it less of an amazing thing that happened,

but still, I can't believe of all

the people— I clicked on this guy's diary

post and the first comment I see is her.

So, uh, I don't know if this was a good

idea or not, but I couldn't just find her

profile and not send her a message. I sent

her a message. I don't know if that was a

good idea or not. I just— I

said, hey, I can't believe I found you,

something like that. How have you been?

And I just said, I'm sorry for,

for what I did when we were dating,

because I feel really guilty about

how the relationship ended, how I behaved

during the relationship. I was very

immature. I just wasn't mature enough to

handle being in a relationship with

someone who was really emotional and kind

of, um, who needed like mental support,

who wasn't exactly 100% mentally stable.

And I couldn't cope with her outbreaks,

her emotional outbreaks. And we had

so many arguments and we fell out so many

times and she kicked me out so many times.

I just felt like the relationship was too

hard. It was easier to just end it.

And I feel like I ran away instead of

sticking it out, trying to make things

work, trying to understand her more. I ran

away from the relationship and

I guess I broke her heart because I could

tell she was really in love with me. I

could really feel that she was really in

love with me. And I feel like sometimes,

did I make the right choice running away?

Maybe I'll never find someone who loves me

that much again. And it wasn't just that.

There were other things that made me

decide that the relationship wasn't worth

fighting for. I felt like we didn't really

have much in common. I felt like we were

kind of— we were very different people.

And to be honest, I felt a bit bored in

the relationship. Like, we didn't have

much to talk about. We didn't share common

interests. We had different

personalities, I guess. The problem is I

have like this idea of a perfect

relationship and, and a perfect girl. And

if the person that I'm seeing doesn't

quite match up to that, I start to feel

Like, what's the point? This

relationship's too hard. It's easier to

just run away. But then if I, if I carry

on thinking like that, I'm never going to

end up in a, in a satisfying

relationship. I'm always going to be

thinking, oh, this person isn't 100% to

my, to my ideal person. But that's

the thing. There's no such thing as an

ideal person that matches your— that

matches what your idea of an ideal person

is 100%. They're always going to have good

points and bad points. And if I just keep

running away every time I find things I

don't like about a person, then you'll

just end up being alone for the rest of

your life. I know people say that the

only thing that's worse than being alone

is being stuck with the wrong person. And

I guess I kind of agree with that because

when I am stuck with the wrong person,

all that's going through my mind is, get

out of here. Let's, let's run away. We

need to get out of this relationship. But

then after being alone for such a long

time, you start to feel like,

oh, I have 2 options. I either be alone or

I be with someone that I don't 100%— that

doesn't match my preferences 100%. But

then if you think about it, that's kind of

impossible to have a person that matches

your preferences 100%. You know,

everyone's different. Everyone has their

little quirky personalities.

I think that the reason why so many people

end up with partners that they feel

unsatisfied with is because The loneliness

makes them desperate. And that's what—

that's why loneliness is such a powerful

emotion. It can make you desperate enough

to end up being with

someone that you didn't really predict

that you would be with, that didn't really

match your preferences or your ideas of

what an ideal person would be. I still

remember the last day I saw her. Um, it

was really early in the morning because I

had an early flight back home. So we left

the apartment maybe 5 AM.

My leg was really painful because of my,

um, symptoms from the disease that I

talked about before. And I was really

struggling to carry my giant backpack and

She got out her bicycle and she, she

carried my backpack on the back of her

bicycle for me, and I just followed along

limping. And it was getting a bit cold,

so I wore my jacket.

Um, I got my ticket and I got onto the— I

went through the ticket barrier and went

to the train, got onto the train. She

actually followed me. She asked the ticket

man at the station if she could come up

with me, even though she didn't have a

ticket. He He let her come up with me to

say goodbye, and we stood there

together. We didn't really say much. We

were just like waiting for this,

for, for the moment where we have to say

goodbye to come. And it was just like this

impending sense of doom where this

huge amount of sadness was about to come,

and we knew it was coming, and there's not

really anything you can do about it. The

train finally came and I got on the train

and I just sat there. She stood outside.

Uh, she just, she was just watching me. I

was by the window and I was just, I

watched her back and she was crying. She

was like really crying full out,

full-blown crying. And I

felt a bit numb. Like I wasn't, I didn't

really feel really sad. I felt tired.

It, it was a tiring relationship. A lot of

arguing, a lot of, a lot of,

um, I don't know what the word is. It was

a lot of stress. Stress is the word I was

looking for. And I just watched her

standing on the platform crying, and I

was, I was hoping that the train would

just hurry up and go because it was

heartbreaking seeing her like that. And I

was, I just felt numb. Like, I, I couldn't

believe it was ending like this. I

couldn't believe it was coming to an end

like this. And I didn't really cry until

maybe later when I got onto the

aeroplane and I was just like recycling

everything that was happening, everything

that happened through my mind and

remembering everything that happened. The

hardest part of leaving Japan is when

You're on the aeroplane and you're all

alone and all you have is the memories of

what happened. And you're stuck on this

aeroplane for 12 hours with no one to talk

to. You don't have any private space. You

can't just start crying. And it's really

tough. It's really tough to hold back the

tears. Usually I end up crying a bit on

the aeroplane, like a few tears would

start rolling down. And you get like that

tingle in your nose when you're crying.

And I hate it. That's what I hate most

about going to Japan, having to come back.

Just being alone on the airplane is just

And I got back to the UK and we

never spoke again. We stopped emailing. I

guess we both realized that things weren't

working out. The relationship was too

difficult. We weren't mature enough to be

doing this. And I never,

I never heard from her ever again. I never

emailed her again. She had deleted her

Facebook already from before, so I had no

way of contacting her.

And I didn't even try to contact her. I

guess I still had her email address.

But I knew that it would have been a waste

of time. And actually, I was scared. I was

scared of the responsibility that I would

have if we had gotten married. I would

have had to find a job in Japan that I

hated, like a kitchen job or a sales

assistant job. And truthfully, I wanted to

come home. I wanted to go— I wanted to

come back to my easy easy life where I

didn't have any responsibilities. I didn't

have to work. I could just live in my

parents' house, and I wanted to run away

back to that lifestyle. I guess I

realized that— I realized how hard it

would have been if we had actually gotten

married. It wouldn't have been easy. We

would have been— we would have had no

money. All our money would just be spent

on expenses because we, we didn't have

good jobs. I wouldn't be able to get a

good job because I don't have any

qualifications. It would have, it would

have been really tough if I had stayed and

I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for

it financially or, uh,

emotionally. I just didn't

feel like I was mature enough. So yeah,

I sent her a message.

I just felt like I couldn't— I couldn't

not send her a message after finding her

like that after all these years. It was

just such a weird coincidence.

I don't know if she's going to reply or

not. I'm going to guess that she

won't reply.

I don't even know if I would want her to

reply. I don't even know what I want out

of this situation. Do I want her to reply

to me saying, oh Daniel, I missed you,

let's get back together?

No, obviously that's not going to happen.

And even if it were to happen, it would be

really weird. Like, everything's changed

now. I don't even know if she even

remembers me. Maybe she'll just pretend

that she doesn't even know who I am.

She'll just be like, sorry, I don't know

who you are. And it just brought

back all those memories. I haven't

actually thought about her for a long

time. It's been a while since I've

actually thought about it, and just seeing

her profile, her face, her name pop up

like that, it was just— I don't know, it

just feels really weird. I don't know if I

feel sad. It's just really weird.

I do kind of hope that she does reply.

I don't know, it's just very confusing.

Um, this is a bit of a random question,

but you haven't actually seen my legs

before, have you? Because when I make a

video, it's always up here, but you may

have seen it But I have this weird habit

where I wear shorts over my trousers.

I'll show you. I'm not trying

to show my groin area, but yeah,

I know it looks kind of silly, but I feel

really comfortable when I wear shorts over

my trousers for some reason. If I don't

have shorts over my trousers, then I feel

like— I feel a bit insecure, like I'm

naked, if that makes sense. It's kind of

like a comfort blanket for me. Those are

my shorts that I wear over my trousers,

and those shorts are Japanese shorts.

They're from a set, a traditional clothing

set in Japan called Jinbei, which is— it's

like, like these shorts, or this is what

the shorts look like, and there's a top

That kind of looks like a kimono,

a kimono which has been cut in half. And

it's just like the top. It has like really

big sleeves, really wide sleeves, really

baggy sleeves. And actually, the person

who got it for me was her. It was her.

The first time I went over to Japan to go

and see her, the first week we went to a

fireworks event. And usually in fireworks

events in Japan, they wear traditional

clothing. The girls will wear kimonos or

yukata, which is like the— a

different version of it. But she really

wanted to wear her kimono and she wanted

me to dress up as well in traditional

clothing. So we went to Don Quijote,

which is like, I guess it's kind of like

like the Poundland of Japan where they

sell really cheap stuff. And we got this

Jinbei set and I wore it.

I felt really uncomfortable wearing it

because I'm really skinny and the Jinbei

is really baggy, and when skinny people

wear baggy clothing, it makes them look 10

times more skinnier. Um, anyway, I wore it

just to make her happy, and I really liked

the shorts. I wore the shorts all the

time. And I decided to keep them.

I, I didn't bring home the top part of it.

I left it with her. I guess she chucked it

in the bin. But that's the

story behind my shorts. I wear them every

and they were shorts that she got me.

This is something random. So sorry if

it was a bit of a depressing video, but I

really needed to share that.

So yeah, thanks for watching if you

watched this far. Um, I'm gonna

spend the rest of the night spamming the

refresh button on my web browser to see if

she's replied or not. I have no life.