How I Lost Everything in Life...

Well, the stock market is not doing very

well recently, so I'm back on YouTube.

And after losing nearly 90% of my

total gains on the stock market, I've

started to feel like I've lost almost

everything recently. Now that I think

about it, I've lost so many things I don't

even know where to begin. I, I lost the

ability to livestream. I lost the majority

of my audience. I lost my girlfriend. I

lost my life in Japan. I lost my marriage.

I lost my spouse visa. And now recently,

I've also lost my deposit on my apartment

back in Rotterdam. It seems like they're

just going to ignore my messages and

refuse to give my deposit back. And there

doesn't really seem to be anything I can

do about it. I feel so stupid that I

walked out on my marriage and my life in

Japan to try and save my YouTube channel,

and then it ended up dying anyway. What

was the point? What do I have to show for

it? I didn't gain anything from it. I just

ended up wasting loads of money. Flying

here and flying there, going all around

Europe, meeting all these girls that ended

up all being a complete waste of time.

And now I'm back in my bedroom in England.

It's like nothing has changed. I've made

zero progress since the age of 11. And

now, thanks to the stock market crashing,

I can't even boast about all of the money

that I've made from stocks. And now that I

think about the reasons for why I was

unhappy when I was married in Japan, they

just seem so dumb. So the main reasons why

why I was unhappy being married was

because number one, I wasn't allowed to

say anything I wanted to on Discord.

Number 2, I wasn't allowed to meet girls

whenever I wanted to. And number 3, I was

scared of my views going down. Well,

first of all, I decided to delete my

Discord server again recently because I

finally realized that most of the people

on there are just a bunch of toxic,

annoying idiots. There were a few people

on there who I enjoyed talking to, but the

majority of the people on there were just

a bunch of weirdos that I can't believe I

wasted a pretty good relationship for

them. I can't I was so stupid to think

that back then, 2 years ago, I thought

that being able to talk about really dumb

stupid stuff on Discord to a bunch of

weirdos on the internet was more important

than having a nice healthy relationship.

Number 2, the whole being able to meet

girls from my channel has just been— up

until now it's just been complete

disaster. Every girl that I've met from

the channel has either been really

annoying or just kind of crazy. And now my

channel has died, No one even messages me

anymore. My inbox is just zero. I don't

even remember what the little red number 1

or the little red numbers look like when

you have new messages in your inbox. All

of my social media is just completely dead

now. My Twitter, my Instagram, it's just

silence. No one messages me anymore.

Maybe if people didn't message me when I

was married, then I wouldn't have had all

these problems. It's just kind of ironic,

isn't it? When I'm married and I'm

supposed to be loyal to one woman, then

all of these girls are messaging me. And

then when I'm single, there's just, just

nothing. No one, no one cares anymore.

I'm just starting to think to myself that

maybe sleeping with my viewers and trying

to use my YouTube channel to find a

girlfriend might not be the greatest of

ideas. And then the third reason I was

scared about my views going down, because

I wasn't allowed to do anything because I

was married. Obviously, I wasn't allowed

to meet other girls and I couldn't do

outrageous things. And I thought if I was

single again, I could start doing all

these crazy things again. But now that I

think about it, I don't really want to do

those things anymore. And even if I wanted

to do those things, I can't do them

because of the lockdown. I'm not allowed

to go anywhere. I can't meet anyone. I

can't fly to any countries, and no one

wants to be on my channel. Most girls

don't even want to be in videos because

they're scared of what my viewers would

say about them. So I really just don't

know what to do for videos anymore. I

can't talk about anyone because everyone's

watching. All the people who I don't want

watching my channel are watching my

channel, so I can't talk about them. And

no girls want me to talk about them

either, so if they did agree to meeting

with me, I wouldn't be able to talk about

it. I wouldn't be able to film it because

we're in lockdown, and if I film myself

breaking the lockdown, then I'll just get

reported to the police. I can't fly

anywhere because everywhere is in lockdown

as well. I can't go back to Japan because

they're not letting foreigners back in

until who knows when. And after losing so

much money on my last my last little

adventure, my last investment into trying

to create a nice long-term stable

relationship. After that failed, I'm not

really in a rush to go and repeat the same

thing. I feel annoyed because I think I

prioritized all of the wrong things, like

the Discord channel. Why did I think that

was so important? Why did I think having

drama for videos and having a few extra

thousand views was more important than

having a nice stable life and a stable

relationship. It just feels like all of

the decisions I made didn't make any

sense, and there was just no,

no advantages gained from making those

decisions right now. Sometimes I just feel

like I flushed everything down the toilet

so I could go back to living how I was

living when I was 12 years old in my

bedroom, and I just feel like, what was

the point of that? That was kind of

stupid. I was so obsessed with making

videos that were focused on the

relationship and talking about the

relationship. It's kind of like a

catch-21. When you're in the relationship,

there's lots of things to talk about, but

you can't— you can't talk about it, or you

shouldn't talk about it because it will

ruin the relationship. And then when

you're out of the relationship, yeah, you

can talk about anything you want to, but

then there's nothing to talk about because

you're not in the relationship anymore.

It just feels so dumb because when I was

married, There were all of these crazy

things happening and all this drama, and I

was so desperate to make videos about

every single thing because that's what I

thought the viewers wanted, and it was

what they wanted. But then I kept having

arguments with Chihiro because it upset

her when I made videos about it. And then

when I left her, I thought, oh, thank God,

now I can talk about anything I want to.

But there's, there's nothing to talk about

anymore because now I'm just by myself

sitting in an Airbnb Not meeting anyone.

There's absolutely nothing going on apart

from my triple kill knife streak on

Rainbow Six, which no one cares about. I

think that's exactly what the phrase "you

can't have your cake and eat it" is for.

You know, people kept telling me back in

the day, 2018, 2019. They kept saying,

"Daniel, YouTube's not going to last

forever. Your channel's not going to last

forever." And I just refused to believe

it. I refused to believe and accept the

fact that eventually people were going to

lose interest no matter what I do. I could

jump off a skyscraper with a parachute.

Parachute whilst being on fire and people

wouldn't even care anymore. I just could

not foresee a future where my channel

wouldn't be doing well anymore. I thought

I had something special, and maybe I did

have something special at one point and

then lost it. I feel like my channel was a

sinking ship, and even though I tried my

best to stop it from sinking, it just kind

of dragged me down with it, all the way

down to the bottom of the ocean where I'm

all by myself and I don't have anything to

show for it. Sometimes I do wonder to

myself, what would life be like if I

decided not to walk out on my marriage and

leave Japan. Maybe if I tried and I stayed

and I apologized, I tried to make things

work, maybe I'd still be unhappy. Maybe

I'd be complaining about how my life is so

boring and I can't think of anything for

videos. My channel is not doing well. I

feel like it's not just my fault. I also

feel like because YouTube as a platform

has changed over the years, it's just

become really boring to make content on

YouTube. You can't do anything fun. You

can't make fun of people, you can't bully

people because now harassing people and

insulting people is against the

guidelines. You can't use people's footage

because they just copyright strike you

like Tim Schofield copyright strikes me

just because I used a couple minutes of

his footage. So I wouldn't even dare using

anyone's footage for commentary purposes

because I'd just be terrified that I'll

get more copyright strikes. So yeah, I

feel like this is almost rock bottom. I

feel like this is the hardest I've ever—

the hardest time I've ever had trying to

think of video ideas because I can't talk

about anyone and I can't go anywhere and I

can't film anything because I never have

any alone time in the house. And to be

honest, recently I just feel really down.

I just don't feel excited about anything.

I was really excited about the stock

market and being able to make loads of

money on it, but the last 3 weeks has,

has just been really, really disappointing

and depressing and The market is just

crashing and then correcting and going

sideways and just not making any progress

upwards. I've lost almost all my gains. I

just don't really feel very optimistic

about investing as much as I used to. I'm

sure, I'm sure it'll go back up eventually

after a few weeks, after a few months,

but that feels like a long time to have to

just wait. And outside of the market,

the stock market, there's just not really

anything else that I'm really, really

enjoying or really finding fascinating at

the moment. It's really hard trying to

plan things for the future, plan things to

do in the future when there's these

lockdowns and you don't know when things

are going to open up again, or you don't

know when countries are going to open up

again. It's just like you're stuck in

limbo. You can't make any plans, you can't

do anything. Even if I had all the money

in the world right now, I don't really

feel like it would make much of a

difference. So I guess I'll try and make

more videos now that my stocks aren't

doing very well. Maybe things will get

better in a few weeks. Maybe lockdowns

would start easing. I don't know. I just

feel really bored these days. I just— I

don't even feel like getting out of bed

recently. Just feels like, what's the