[2024-10-15] i messed up -( [HBSMdzYU9dU]

Testing.

Testing. That's weird,

I thought it was on.

I think I'm still sick after 3 weeks.

Can't believe it.

I just got this cough now. Everything else

is fine.

Uh, I kind of messed up everything

with Sunny.

I got kind of mad, and then she said she

doesn't want to do this anymore.

I don't know, maybe I was in like a bad

mood and feeling kind of moody. I

shouldn't have talked to her that day.

Now she doesn't want to meet anymore.

If only I controlled my emotions in that

moment, it wouldn't have turned out this

way. Kind of annoying.

All I— I just complained about how I

actually don't know what I complained

about. I actually don't understand what

the problem is. Oh,

thanks. Why make a Discord if you're not

on it? Well, I made the Discord as like an

impulsive emotional reaction

to Sunny not wanting to meet anymore. And

then I went to sleep, and then the next

day I thought, yeah, maybe I shouldn't

have remade the Discord, and then I

deleted the app. So I deleted the app like

half an hour after I made the Discord. So

I haven't been on it because I don't have

the app, but I haven't deleted the new

server, so I don't know what to do with

it. I can't really be bothered to go on

it.

What was that sound? Stupid Revolut.

Is it even active? I don't know, I feel

like it was pretty dead last time before I

deleted it.

It's very active.

Really?

I really know. I don't know what the

problem is because she said, "I do want to

see you again," and I said, "I want to see

you again," but now.

We're not going to see each other again.

Usually, I mean, in the past when I messed

up with girls, it was always kind of

obvious, like I cheated or I

insulted her some way. But this

time I don't really know what the problem

Because in Japan it was great.

But then after we both left Japan, it felt

like something changed.

I don't really know why.

I didn't talk to her for like 10 days.

Maybe that has something to do with it,

but we've not talked for like a week

before and it was not a problem. Am I

supposed to message her every single day?

It was only like 9 days where I didn't

message her.

It's a long time.

It doesn't really feel like a long time.

I mean, it's just a week.

And then she said that I didn't make any

effort to come and see her, which I guess

is true. I haven't really done

the 5-hour road trip to go and meet her.

Maybe I was lazy. I just

thought if we were gonna meet, it would be

better if she came here because then she

could stay here. Because if I go to her,

then I gotta book a hotel for like 5 days

or something that'll cost like £300 to

£400, maybe even £500. And then I've got

to charge my car like 3 times to get

there. Which would cost like £70. It would

cost like £500 or £600 if I went to see

her. So I thought if we were gonna meet on

a certain date during the month,

then it would be better if she came here

because then we got the whole house.

So I didn't really know that she

wanted me to make an effort to go and see

Charging's almost free. Not if you use a

public charger. Yeah, maybe. I mean, some

hotels have like free EV charging with it,

but then they've only got like 2 chargers

and they're usually slow chargers, so you

gotta plug it in overnight. I wouldn't be

able to get to where she lives without

charging it. I would have to charge it at

least once. Yeah, maybe it's

the distance. Like they say, long distance

doesn't really work out even if you're in

the same country. I mean, 250-mile

distance is still pretty big even if

you're in the same country.

It takes like 4 or 5 hours to drive there.

I don't know what went— it felt like it

was all so good and then it just went all

Well, it doesn't look good because I was

trying to explain and then she was like,

whatever, Daniel, I don't want to do this

anymore. And then she stops replying to

me, so I think it's finished.

Exactly what Mila said. Don't want to do

this anymore.

My mum said, obviously you're supposed to

message her every day. She said if Dave

Gibson didn't message her for 10 days,

she would think it's finished. I don't

understand women sometimes because this

happened 2 years ago as well. Do you

remember I was dating that other British

girl in 2022 for like a few

months? I didn't talk to her for about 2

weeks after I got back from Malaysia

because I was in Malaysia, so I

couldn't meet her anyway. So then I got

back and then it had been like 2 weeks and

she didn't message me either. So I just

said, hey. And then she was like, oh, I

thought you weren't interested anymore.

So I lost interest. Women, they're like,

if you stop messaging them, they think

you're not interested anymore, and then

that makes them lose interest. And then as

soon as they lose interest, for them it's

like over. Which to me as a guy makes

no sense because, I mean,

Mila hasn't messaged me for 5 years, but

if she was suddenly like, hey Daniel, do

you want to meet? I'd be like, sure. I

wouldn't be like, oh, sorry, Mila, you

didn't message me for 5 years. I'm not

interested anymore.

Yeah. So with women, it's like when

the interest is not there anymore, it's

Maybe I'm just weird. Or do you guys

agree? If you're a man, do you not

really have like this interest thing?

I don't know. I feel like the interest is

a binary thing. You either are interested

or you're not. But for women, the interest

thing is like a spectrum from 0 to 100,

0 being not interested at all. And it's

like you're watering a plant, makes the

interest go up.

I don't really feel that way. I just feel

like I was either interested or never

interested in the first place. It doesn't

change. Like, if I was interested at one

point, obviously means I found you

attractive. If I didn't find you

attractive, I wouldn't have met you after

the first time, would I?

So the fact that I met someone more than

once would mean that I'm interested.

Unless they like dramatically physically

changed, then I would lose interest

because they're not the same person

anymore appearance-wise.

I just don't understand women, to be

I mean, I kind of get it, but then I never

learn, really. I do. I mean, I guess I

know this stuff,

but I don't apply it to my actions.

Just disappointed because I thought we're

gonna do all this stuff like road trip to

France, do this, do that. Now I've got the

car and

I've got nothing to do apart

from go to work.

You have to make an effort to keep the

conversation going.

I did the last time I messaged.

Why didn't she message me then? I don't

Obviously I couldn't have gone to her

place recently because I was sick.

Oh, thanks. Get on Thai friendly.

What's that?

Did you guys communicate more in the

beginning? No, we didn't talk at

all unless it was like arranging to meet

up in Japan.

So I thought that was just like the norm.

Very bizarre.

She kept saying that I'm not showing

interest, even though I kept saying,

but I am interested, but she wouldn't

believe me. I mean,

How can I prove that I'm interested?

I thought it was pretty obvious I was

interested, but I guess not.

It's all that stupid last livestream's

fault, because I kind of ranted about her,

didn't I? And she wasn't very happy about

it. She said

I made her feel bad about suggesting to

meet next year, but next year's so far

Buy her a necklace or apartment?

With what money? I've got minus 200 in

the bank. I got some money coming in this

week, but then I've got to pay my credit

card.

Never be honest with a woman. Yeah,

exactly. She kept saying the lack of

communication was a problem, so then I was

honest. I told her that I was upset about,

like, the next year thing.

And then because I was honest about— I

mean, because I was open with my

unhappiness,

look what happened. I should have just

kept my mouth shut. Would have been

better.

Next year's 2 months away. Yeah, but when

she suggested it, it was like last month.

So then that would have been over 3 months

away until next year.

I'm not saying I want to meet like every

week. I mean, in Japan we met every week.

And she was still pretty far away in

Japan, had to take like a 2-hour train.

I don't know why, it's like everything

just changed after leaving Japan.

I said, but in Japan, and then she was

like, yeah, but that was different. Why

was it different though?

I mean, I didn't think we would meet every

week being back home in England. I thought

maybe like once a month or once every

1.5 months,

but I was just really shocked at the whole

next year thing. So, so far away.

And then she used like the lack of money

as the reason for it, but lack of money

didn't stop her coming the first 2 times,

so I just don't get it.

And when she got back from Japan, she came

straight over like the first week.

Doesn't cost that much money to come over.

Maybe Japan was like honeymoon phase, and

then being back in the UK was like back to

Don't know what to do now. Lost everyone.

Lost Blood Bucket, lost Thai girlfriend,

lost Sunny too now.

I said I don't mind paying, and then she

was like she wouldn't feel good about me

paying everything.

Didn't stop her in Japan though, did it?

I paid a lot in Japan.

Dunno, Blood Bucket just disappeared.

I think it was around the time I got the

car, Blood Bucket vanished. Maybe Blood

Bucket thinks I'm like a Trump supporter

because she hates Trump. She really,

really hates Trump. Maybe for some reason

she thinks I'm like really pro-Trump.

I don't hate Trump, but I'm not like a big

fan. He's gotten kind

of boring though, to be honest.

I mean, I don't think I've changed. Do you

think I've changed since I got back from

the UK? I think I've been pretty

consistent with my

interests in her.

I'm happy to meet whenever she's free.

Happy to help out paying stuff if it's

needed.

I feel like she's the one who changed,

not me.

But then she says I'm the one not showing

interest.

Yeah, okay. Listen to this then. How come

when she was here last time, which was

when? August. It was like the

end of August, wasn't it? Last time she

was here, she was suggesting all this

stuff we could do, like,

like stay at her mum's house because her

mum was planning to go somewhere, or take

a drive to France to check out the

battlefields, the Battle of the Somme

place. Like, she was suggesting to do all

this stuff. And that was in— that was in

August. And then just a month later,

she's like, oh, maybe we shouldn't meet

until next year because of money.

Something just changed. I don't know.

And then she said, oh, couldn't do the mum

thing because mum got sick and couldn't do

this because of that. But that isn't the

point. The point is She was suggesting to

do stuff back then,

and then that suddenly just changed to,

let's not meet until next year.

So don't you see why I was

kind of upset about that? Or I sensed a

change, a shift,

and then I got a bit upset over it.

Why wouldn't I get upset over it? I mean,

if I wasn't interested, I wouldn't get in.

I wouldn't— if I wasn't interested, I

wouldn't get upset about it, would I?

What do you mean she's at uni?

She didn't say she's starting uni. Who

says she's at uni?

She said she was at uni last stream.

Did she? Yeah, she was in the last stream.

She said something about birthday party,

which is what— I mean, I said to her, do

you want to come over end of September?

She said she can't because it's her

birthday. So I said, okay, what about

mid-October? And then she said she could,

but she'll be hesitant to do stuff because

she won't have money. So I said, it's

okay, you don't have to do anything

expensive. And then she said, okay.

She never said to me she was going to uni.

I mean, she did say she wanted to study

for a master's, didn't she? But she didn't

say she had started it now.

Maybe I didn't ask. I don't know.

Pretty sure I said I asked at least once.

Hey, what's up? What are you up to

nowadays? In the last few weeks?

I don't know what she's doing. Last time

we talked,

she was just at home.

Got some kind of internet job.

Make the trip for a birthday? Well, she

didn't invite me, so I thought she's busy

with her family.

Surely if you want me to come, you gotta

invite me. I can't just like invite

myself.

I said,

I said I didn't know when was the right

time to go and see her, and then she said,

why didn't you ask me? And then I said I

didn't— it didn't come across my mind.

And then she was like, whatever, Daniel,

don't want to do this anymore. And then

she stopped replying to me.

It's just really frustrating. Don't

'Cause she liked me in Japan, and it's

not like It's not like I was really

different in Japan, was I? I haven't

changed since coming back from Japan.

It's not like in Japan I was all with

romantic gestures and stuff. In their

DMs every day. It's basically the same now

as I was in Japan.

Really weird.

Yeah, maybe she was just lonely and

homesick in Japan and I was nearby,

and now she's back with her family, she

doesn't really need me.

I think you have changed since Japan, but

not in the relationship area. I've only

changed in the way that

I've kind of gotten a job and I'm not like

fully focused on YouTube anymore.

I guess being a low-skill, low minimum

wage worker is not as interesting as

being a YouTuber.

I only started to enjoy life when I put

myself first, Daniel.

I always put myself first. Isn't that the

I'm just so bored. I don't know what to

do. I can't just— my whole life can't just

be go to work, come home, go to work,

come home.

You ignored her and all the feelings she

had fell away. I didn't ignore her, I just

didn't talk to her for about a week.

She ignored me.

I don't know anyone, I don't have any

friends. I don't have any other

girls.

I don't know what to do.

Going a bit crazy now.

I can't get any, like, balance. In

Thailand, my whole life was just

relationship, no work.

And now it's like all work, no

relationships. Just want,

like, some kind of balance. Bit of

this, bit of that.

You left fast in Discord for a tea.

Yeah, well, I'm not very good at resisting

temptations, am I?

You've got to find the next one. Yeah,

but I don't know how anymore.

I found Fasta on Tinder before I got

banned, and then I found Sunny from

YouTube. Uh,

I doubt there's any more girls from

YouTube. And now the channel is

completely dead.

So all the stupid dating apps are owned by

this stupid Jewish guy. Did you know he's

Jewish? Obviously. He's got

a monopoly on the entire dating

marketplace. Match Group. Fucking Match

Group.

Monetizing people's loneliness.

Typical Jewish, just like Zuckerberg.

Jewish people literally making me rot in

loneliness,

banning me off all the apps.

If I become an incel for the remainder of

my life, I blame him. I was doing so well

on dating apps until they banned me.

Plenty of Fish. I got banned on that too.

They're all owned by him, even Hinge

and, uh, OkCupid.

Banned me too.

I feel like just selling all my stocks,

pay off the credit card, and quit my job.

Fuck it, can't be bothered anymore.

Got the car, got the job, didn't make any

difference, did it? Still alone in the

Now, I didn't get banned on Coffee Meets

Bagel, but all I did was get matched with

these hot Asian women that look like bots.

There's no way these hot Asian women are

matching me. They all look like fake

profiles.

I don't know why YouTube started

recommending me this guy, this, uh,

champion, world champion arm wrestler from

Canada. So I started thinking Yeah,

I want to train my forearms too. So I did

some forearm exercises and now it hurt my

wrists, so I can't do my bicep curls.

I was trying to do like, like that with

the dumbbells and now it hurt. I sprained

my wrists. I didn't sprain them. They just

really ache when I move like that.

What was that beep?

I swear I heard something beep.

I think my forearms got a bit bigger.

How's work life? It's really boring now.

Now that I've kind of gotten used to it

and I don't really feel like there's a

risk of getting fired because

I know— I kind of know what I'm doing now.

Now it's just boring.

Uh, I ignored the Domino's Pizza interview

because I don't really want to be driving

around at nighttime delivering pizza.

No, I don't want to do dinnertime

delivery. It gets dark at like 6 PM now,

which is probably when they want me to

deliver. And also the Domino's is so far

away, it's like half an hour drive.

Through the countryside. No big roads.

I still— I don't understand why she ended

it with me. What did

I think she doesn't believe when I say

that I like her. Like, she thinks I don't

like her and I'm just saying I like her,

but she doesn't feel like I actually like

her. I think that's the problem.

But I do like her. I don't know what else

to do. Like, what else can I say apart

Show her you like her. How?

If I was still with her, would I go back

to Thailand or stay in the UK?

I wouldn't go back to Thailand. What for?

You two agreed on it being casual?

Yeah, in the beginning. But then she said

maybe we shouldn't meet anymore because

she doesn't want just casual. And then I

said I'm open to it advancing from

casual to serious. And then she was happy

about that. But that was like a month ago.

Have a heart-to-heart talk. We did, and it

ended with her dumping me. That's the

result of the heart-to-heart talk where I

told her how I really felt.

I should have kept my mouth shut.

Because I confronted her on these points

and she didn't like it when I confronted

her. She got defensive.

Wait, this stupid camera is playing the

Temu ad.

How much do I have in stocks? I have about

8,500.

I sold all my China stocks, thank God. So

my China ETF went up to about £2.56

per share. I sold half at £2.26

and then £2.46,

so I missed out on like the top 8% or

something. But then it came crashing back

down to £2.21, so now it's below the

points where I sold it all.

So yeah, that was good. Good timing. Took

2 years though to make like £150.

I mean, I broke even on my lost £400 and

then I made some on top. So it was like

gaining £500 or £600 over the course

of 2 years. I knew the Chinese government

were going to inject stimulus. They

finally did it. That's what

I was waiting for. It's just I entered a

bit too early. I was way too early.

And then Tesla crashed. That didn't do

well. Stupid robo-taxi things. Rubbish.

Did you see it? So gimmicky. None of that

stuff's gonna actually be produced on a

mass scale. The robo-taxi's rubbish. It

just looks like the Cybertruck but a car

version. It's got no boot. Where are

passengers gonna put their luggage? It's

only a 2-seater?

Why is it not a 4-seater? And it's got no

buttons or steering wheel, you just get in

and it drives you off. It's just like some

gimmick that they're gonna put in this

little tunnel thing, which is just another

failed concept that only exists and works

in Las Vegas as like a gimmick. And then

the robo van, the hell is that?

It's got no ground clearance, any tiny

little bump on the road is gonna snag it.

Why's it got like— why is it like on the

ground? There's no clearance at all and

it looks stupid. Why are there no windows

on it? It just looks stupid. And the whole

Optimus robot thing, all such

a— I should have sold my Tesla at $260K.

I knew it was a buy the rumor, sell the

news thing, but I was hoping

the news was gonna be good and the stock

was gonna go up and then I'd sell it. I

should have sold it before the event.

Rubbish. I think all this self-driving

stuff's just a load of rubbish. Maybe in

like 100 years. The Waymo self-driving

taxi is way better.

I just don't see it actually happening,

being used around the world outside of

like a few tiny places like Las Vegas,

one block in California, maybe.

Yeah, you know, one thought I had about

the Jews, you know, like Israel is the

historic homeland and they have the right

to be back there and make it their home

again and defend it and fight the other

countries attacking them. Well, what about

the Native Americans? We should give the

Native Americans a state of their own and

then give them loads of missiles.

America is their historic homeland.

Fair's fair. Should give them Alaska. No

one lives there. What about the natives

and aboriginals and their historic

homelands?

They had reservations. I don't know,

really. You don't hear anything about them

When did this realization about Sunny

occur? What realization?

Do you think she got bored because I,

I shifted from being a YouTuber to boring

wage slave?

Oh yeah, and then, you know that stream we

did together? After that, she got bullied

on the subreddit, and I was— she messaged

me about it saying she's upset about it,

and I was like, yeah, that's just what

they do, just ignore them. And she got

upset because I didn't comfort her.

And she tried ending it then as well. She

said, I thought

you would have comforted me.

I don't know what the word was.

Thought you would have, like, shown care.

So I get blamed for whatever they say on

the subreddit. Just because I'm not

showing care.

Just don't look at it. I don't see what

the problem is. If you don't look at it,

I mean, obviously they're not going to say

anything good about you or me.

If you just don't look at it, then you

won't know what they're saying. That's my

solution, but she keeps looking at it.

And then she didn't like how I responded

to her being sad about it.

What am I supposed to say though? I

already said ignore them, they're all

idiots. I don't really know what

else I can do. I can't stop it, it's not

under my control.

God, whenever you have like a girlfriend

or not a girlfriend, all this stupid

YouTube stuff fucks it up.

All this problem now is because of my last

stream. But then you also have to think it

wouldn't have existed in the first place

without the YouTube thing, would it?

It's such a double-edged sword, this

stupidity. I'm so sick and tired of

YouTube sometimes when it comes to women.

It messed up my relationship in Thailand

as well because of the

videos from last year and stuff.

Everything was fine before she found out

about the YouTube channel.

Sounds like you treat her like everyone

else instead of someone special. Yeah,

that's probably what she feels like, but I

don't really know what— how

do you treat someone special?

It's like asking a chimpanzee to dance on

the pin of a needlehead.

It's just not what I'm programmed to do.

Like, I would be the worst therapist ever

because I'm just terrible at making people

feel better about their problems.

You know, one of the things Women say what

they're looking for in a man is not money

or looks and cars and stuff. The number

one thing they want in a man is that the

man is kind. That's the number one thing

you hear. They always say, I just want a

nice guy or kind guy.

That worries me because I'm

not very nice. It's like

Japanese women. They also say the same

thing. They want yaseshi. Yeah, I know you

got gold diggers who want money, but the

vast majority of women want a kind man

who's loving. I don't know why,

but I can't do that very well.

Well, I can try and do it, but it's not

really real. It's like artificial.

I'm not good at loving people.

They want attention as well. Yeah, when

you don't message them, they get pissed.

I added 2 kgs to my dumbbell. Now it's 13

kg. I can do 8 reps because I was just

blitzing through the 11 kg dumbbells. I

was like, I needed to add more weight,

but now my arm hurts and my shoulders

hurt, so I need to rest. I'm hoping in

a few months I can blitz through the 13

kgs, then add an extra 2 kg to it.

Yeah, 11. I was doing 11 kg dumbbell bicep

curls, although they're not really bicep

curls, they're more like hammer lifts.

But it was getting too easy, so I added

some weights to it and then I hurt my

wrist. Am I

gonna nuke the server? I don't know, I

just deleted the app or whatever. Let you

guys get on with it, I guess. I was gonna

make Ken in charge of it.

I made it because I was sad because Sunny

dumped me,

and then I realized it was not a good

How's my investment going? Not well.

Tesla dumped. Gold is not

doing anything, but my China went up and I

sold it. Bitcoin's doing— oh

wow, Bitcoin's nearly at $67K. I'm up 15%

on Bitcoin. Gold's just

kind of crap now. Look at gold,

completely flat.

Why am I still holding Tesla? Because I

didn't sell it. In time for the sell-off.

Now there's no point selling it because

it's already sold off. Too late to sell

it. I should have sold it after the second

cup and handle handle.

Well, I'm hoping it would go back up.

How many reps do I do? I can do about 7 or

8 with the 13 kg, and I

can only do about 3 overheads.

I can only

do about 30 push-ups,

but I want to work on my forearms like

that arm wrestling guy. Devon Larratt.

I've been watching his videos recently.

His forearms are massive. He only

trains his forearms for arm wrestling,

so he does like these reps

with his wrist.

Sunny knows you're not in love. Yeah, I

think that's the problem. She can sense—

it's her woman senses tingling— that

she probably like— she probably realizes

she likes me more than I like her.

But that doesn't mean I don't like her. I

still like her a lot. I don't know,

maybe she does like me more than I like

her. But in what— I don't know,

are there any relationships where they

equally like each other?

Hope you sold your Chinese stock before it

dumped. Yeah, I sold it.

I sold it a bit too prematurely because it

kept pumping, so I missed out on the top

10%, which is kind of annoying. Missed out

on like £150, but I sold it all Before the

dump.

Liking isn't a relationship.

Yeah, I just, I can't really say the llll

word. One of those words, I just, I can't

say it. It's like thank you. I find it

very difficult to say certain words.

Thank you.

Wow, that's really good. I can't say like

positive words. I'm always like, eh, it's

okay. Eh, it's rubbish. Since when

am I ever like, wow, amazing.

Wow, this is awesome. I just don't

say those things.

You thank us every time we donate. Yeah,

but it's like a very forced thanks.

It doesn't sound genuine. I mean, I'm

thankful, don't get me wrong. I'm

obviously very happy to get money for

doing nothing, but verbalizing it is

difficult.

Just because I don't verbalize it doesn't

mean I don't feel it. Also, just because I

verbalize it doesn't mean I do feel it,

because I could just say anything,

couldn't I? Like, I love you guys so much.

God, human interaction is tough, isn't it?

Just can't I can't seem to ever do the

right thing. Even with Mila.

You knew how much I really liked Mila.

I liked Mila loads, but still wasn't good

enough. I don't know why the Mila thing

didn't work out. I stopped talking about

her, stopped making videos about her,

respecting her privacy. To be able to date

her. And still not— I don't understand why

she was still not happy being with me.

Got her Christmas presents, birthday

presents, took her— took us out on trips.

I just don't get it.

I still remember that Boxing Day. It

haunts me. I could— I knew it was coming.

I could just see her face. Her face said

it all. She just looked miserable.

And then when I tried to initiate cereal,

she pushed me away. And it's at that point

I just knew it, it's over, before she even

had to say it. And then when she said it,

I was like, there it is, I knew

it.

Mila was crazy about me, remember? Came

all the way to Germany to see me,

let me stay at her grandmother's house,

and then All changed within months,

and then she dumps me on Boxing Day. I

don't even know why.

I didn't, I didn't do anything bad between

beginning of December and end of December.

Don't understand. I don't think there was

like a trigger. I think it was just lots

of little things that built up to it. Not

like a big thing that broke it.

God, why are women so difficult?

Men are easy. All men care about is what

the woman looks like.

And if there's food on the table,

maybe I should just be gay.

Yeah, get a ladyboy. Woman on the outside,

man on the inside.

Back to Thailand? No, I don't want

to date a ladyboy. It's weird. A ladyboy

messaged me when I was in Japan, asked me

if I wanted to meet up in Japan. I didn't

Faster loves you. Yeah,

but I didn't want to live in Thailand. I

can't do anything in Thailand apart from

be a YouTuber.

What am I going to do in Thailand?

Imagine I lived in Thailand. What am

I going to do?

I tried making Thailand content, it didn't

work.

At least in England I can do new things

like get a car, get a job.

The opportunities are endless. If I wanted

to, I can become a hot air balloon pilot.

If I train for it, I can't do anything in

Thailand because I don't speak Thai. So

what the cup? The language just sounds

weird. I sound. I feel stupid trying to

speak it. Pee cup.

The hell's that? Like a cup you pee in.

Bokkati. I just. I feel embarrassed

saying this. Saying the words. It just

sounds so funny. I can't.

At least Japanese didn't sound so silly.

I mean, Thai sounds fine when it's being

spoken by a Thai person, but when I try

and speak it, I just feel silly.

That's why I never learned Cantonese,

because it just sounds kind of silly.

You're never live anymore. I miss you.

Oh, I miss you too. I'm just so busy at

work, but I might cut down on work soon.

Getting bored of it.

Flooding. So much flooding a couple days

ago. It rained so much, massive puddles.

I drove my car straight through it. I

think it's fine because I think EVs are

better at driving through flooding than

combustion engines. BMWs are the worst,

they always break down. My mum's BMW broke

down because she drove it into a puddle.

Apparently they have very low air intakes.

Combustion engines, they need air intake

to cool the engine, but the water gets in

it, fizzles out the spark plugs and stuff.

EV doesn't have any of that. It's like a

sealed, closed battery system.

I've seen videos on YouTube, this kid, he

just stands by puddles, like big flooded

roads, and films the cars going through it

and then breaking down. He gets millions

of views. And all the BMWs and

Audis, they get halfway through and then

the engine just dies and they need to get

towed out. And then this Polestar EV just

goes straight through it, comes out the

other end, drives off.

EVs are great. I don't know what— I saw

someone else in my car on the road today,

same color, same model, 2021 model,

but it was a petrol version. And I

thought, why do you get the petrol version

when the EV version is literally the same

price? It's like £10-12K

for the petrol version, it's £13K for the

EV version. Because I can drive 100 miles

and it will cost £1.40 to charge it.

You do 100 miles using petrol, it would

cost you like £10 probably.

I don't know why anyone gets anything

other than an EV when they're looking for

a new car, unless they don't have

off-street parking, then maybe.

I love my EV, although I,

I hit the curb the other day. I scratched

up the alloys. Really bad. The left side

front left wheel alloy is scratched up to

hell. I should have put tape on it. I

don't know why I can't tell how close the

curb is to the car. I keep hitting the

curb. Big chunks of rubber missing out the

tire as well, and I got a warning light.

So I bought this OBD reader, it's coming

tomorrow. Apparently you just plug it in

and it tells you on the device what the

problem is. It costs £20, so it'd

be interesting to see what this orange

warning light is. I bet it's just

something silly like you need to top up

your wind washing fuel,

windscreen washing fuel.

It's probably nothing. I've been driving

it for like a week now with the orange

warning light. Car sounds fine, feels

fine. I'll just plug in the OBD reader

and just erase the code thing popping up.

Whatever,

it's probably something very

insignificant. Like brake fluid,

wiper fluid.

And then this beeping sound was happening,

said something like tire pressure not

aligned. I think one of the tires was

slightly less pressure than the others,

so I bought this thing, you plug it into

the wheel And it pumps up the tire.

So I pumped them all back up.

2 months been driving now. I feel pretty

confident on the roads, not gonna lie.

Don't get horned at too much.

But it's kind of boring now. It's not

really fun or exciting. It's just a thing

you do. That's the problem with life.

You're scared of doing something, then you

do it and it's exciting, and then it gets

boring. Same with everything.

Have I had to ever break up with anyone?

No, they, they all keep dumping me for the

same reason. They keep saying the same

thing: you don't care about me.

You're not even interested. You don't even

like me. And I keep saying, "No, I do like

you," but they don't believe me. A French

girlfriend said the same thing too—that

I don't even care about her. I said, "No,

I do care about you." What do you mean I

don't care about you? Even the chlamydia

girlfriend, she was like, "Then you are a

simple stickler, no? Me, me, me." Because

she went to the hospital. Yeah, she went

to the hospital to get her thing checked,

and I was eating a cheeseburger and she

came home and I was like, 大丈夫? And then

she was like, yeah, I'm fine. And then I

went back to eating my cheeseburger and

then she started crying. Said I wasn't

shinpai-ing her. You just said you're

fine. If you're not fine, don't say you're

fine then. Oh my God. And then she kicked

I swear, out of all the relationships I've

had, I think 90% of the time I get dumped

for the same reason. They think

I don't care about them.

I don't care about anything.

It's not personal, I just— I'm like a very

careless person. What do I care about?

Don't care about my YouTube channel.

Fucking YouTube. Suck my balls,

YouTube. Name one thing

I care about.

And then when I do care about it, like

cared about Mila, and Sayaka, they dump me

anyway, and then I'm sad and I cry.

Fuck if I do and fuck if I don't.

So I just adopted this attitude of can't

be bothered, don't care, whatever,

because when has caring ever served me

well? By the way, I found a picture of

Sayaka recently. She looks kind of ugly.

I already— I feel like I dodged a bullet

there. I knew she didn't look like how she

looked like in the pictures. Her pictures

were so cute, but then some of them I

thought looks kind of ugly. I bet that's

what she actually looks like. Show the

pic. Okay, why not?

I don't know, I'm kind of embarrassed.

She— I mean, it's obviously her, but she

does not look how I thought I looked. Now

I feel embarrassed because I was like so

in love with her when I was 18 years old,

and I'm like, Jesus.

Don't screen— don't screenshot it, okay?

What do you think out of 10?

She's got like 3 kids now.

What would you rate out of 10?

I'm like, damn.

I think most of my exes look better than

she does. I feel sorry for that Czech

Republic guy because

he's like highly educated. He— his job

last time I checked was like laser

targeting robot AI. That's a freaking good

job. You got a job like that, you should

be able to get any woman you want. 'Cause

the money must be damn good and you must

be clever. But I guess, you know, it's

what's on the inside that counts.

I saw her naked. She sent me nudes.

Thai girl look worse? Thai girl looks way

better.

You guys are weird. I think she's ugly,

that Sayaka. She blocked me on

Facebook, but I can still find her

Facebook when I Google search it

anonymously. Because when I got on my—

because I messaged her when I got the

petrol station job, and now it says

Facebook user not found, but I can find

her when I Google her. So stupid, isn't

it? I can still see her pictures too.

I can't believe I spent 5 hours a day

phoning her. It made my

Japanese really good though. I was in love

with her. Like, I'd rush home from work to

jump on Skype before she goes to bed. I

don't know what we talked about. She would

fall asleep during the end. And then

I just listen to her snoring.

I give her like 2.5 out of 10.

Yeah,

that's why I'm like anti-love, because my

first experience of being in love was so

painful. I cried for 2 weeks.

It took ages to move on.

Now I'm like scared of falling in love

because then the Mila thing happened and

that was so painful as well.

It is, I mean, it is really scary to fall

in love because then they might die or

cheat on you. I've luckily never been

cheated on. Knowingly or cheated

on by someone I actually cared about.

Like, Chihiro cheated on me and I was

like, whatever, don't care, still gonna

fuck you tonight.

I mean, it's probably not a good sign if

your wife tells you she sleeps with

another man and your response is That's

hot. Let's do it. It should hurt,

shouldn't it? It didn't hurt at all.

Like, I wasn't sad at all. It just turned

But I've never been cheated on by someone

I actually care about. I only cared

about— don't know,

it's hard to imagine because I've never

experienced it.

Women are such a headache, but then life's

so boring if you just Because I have

sometimes thought I'm just going to cut

women out of my life and be a Buddhist

monk. But then it's so boring. What do you

do or look forward to?

You can't just work, work, work. Whole

life can't just all be about money.

If me had cheated, would you have been

upset? Uh, yeah, I think so.

And maybe she found a new guy, that's why

she dumped me at Boxing Day, and the new

guy was more loving.

I mean, that's the reason why a lot of

women cheat. In Japan, because the husband

becomes cold and unloving.

And then they find like this new guy and

they find excitement from that new guy

who's attentive and caring.

Humans are stupid. Same thing over and

over. Stupid emotions.

I feel like human emotion just holds

everything back more than it advances it.

Jealousy is such a stupid emotion. I mean,

I get jealous because if I lose my girl to

another guy, it means that guy now gets

sex and I don't get any sex anymore.

I guess that's why jealousy exists,

because that makes you mad.

Sex is stupid.

It's too good, that's the problem.

And it's not one of those things you can

just A food addiction, alcohol addiction,

tobacco— you just go to the shop and it

costs like £5 to get a drink.

But getting sex is difficult. Paying for

it is rubbish and expensive.

Yeah, I guess emotionless sex is kind of

rubbish. It is way better when there's

I don't know why, it just feels hotter.

It's supposed to make babies. Yeah, but

everyone chasing or trying to find sex,

they're not doing it because they want to

make babies. They want to do it because it

feels good.

That's the problem with it. Too good.

That's the problem. They need to tone it

down a bit. The devs need

to nerf sex.

It shouldn't feel like without sex you're

suffocating, and then you get it, you're

like re-injected with energy

again. It shouldn't be like that. It

should just be like, oh, that's nice.

What would be the point in your life?

Well, I was hoping that there was more to

life than sex, and I would just live a

life where I am mentally at peace and

not sad. I just don't want to be sad, but

now I'm sad again because I

lost all my women.

I just want to be happy.

Fulfilled. Is it so much to ask for?

You need a hobby. YouTube is like a hobby,

isn't it? Rainbow Six.

Did you check on Faster? She messaged

me a few weeks ago. She said— she

just said— I can't remember what she said.

It just sounded like she Google translated

something. It was like,

hope you happy with your life. I will try

and move on and find my own happiness.

She talks to my mum almost every day.

My mum said she said her sister is coming

to London for Christmas.

How come her stupid sister is always

traveling and she has the money, but when

I wanted to come back for Christmas to the

UK, we couldn't because she couldn't get a

visa? And for me to sponsor her to

get a UK visa, I need like £8,000 in my

bank account. My mum needs to write a

letter of invitation. She needs like

proof of car and house ownership. Such a

fucking headache. So I cancelled the trip.

But then her sister can just come like

it's nothing. Why is it so easy for a

sister then?

I don't have £6,000 in my bank account to

show the Thai government or whatever.

I have to sell my stocks.

That's the problem with Thai people. They

don't have a good reputation worldwide,

so they need visas. I think they can go to

Japan without a visa, but to come to the

UK they need a visa. So stupid.

They can't even come here for like a

holiday without getting a visa.

My mom said, why don't you come with your

sister? Imagine she actually comes.

I think if it's obviously a holiday, you

shouldn't need a visa. Because just the

whole point of having visa is to show that

you're not gonna overstay illegally. But

just because I get a visa doesn't mean I

can't overstay illegally. It doesn't make

any sense. I mean, she can get a visa

and everything and then still stay

illegally. How does it stop her from

staying illegally? It doesn't make any

sense. It's so dumb.

Why not put a GPS tracker on their ankle

to track them? Say, okay, if you don't