Do I miss my wife [9NS3py4ZMd4]

It's been about 3 months since I separated

with my wife, and, um,

I've just been thinking a lot about our

separation and my decision

to leave her, and I've just been wondering

if— was it the right decision?

I'm still not 100% sure.

Well, since I made a lot of videos

complaining about her and saying negative

things about her, and I never really made

any videos saying anything nice about her,

I thought it would be a good idea to start

now, make one now. Sometimes people ask

me if I miss her, and the honest

answer is A little bit, yes.

I lived with her for over a year, so it

would be kind of hard not to miss her. I

miss little things like having to

make her a coffee after dinner,

having to go shopping together to buy

food, having to make her dinner and then

coffee. You know, just little things that

couples do. I miss having dinner and then

watching TV together, or a movie, or some

kind of TV show. We used to watch— first

we watched Breaking Bad together, and then

we watched Better Call Saul, and then we

watched Game of Thrones from the

beginning. We watched quite a lot of

things together. I just miss simple things

like that, sitting in front of the TV

watching something, cuddling. Enjoying

each other's company, having a bath

together, getting ready for bed together,

cuddling in bed, waking up together. You

know, she used to kiss me goodbye when she

went to work. As someone who's pretty lazy

and doesn't like responsibility or having

to do things for other people, I find it

kind of strange that the things I miss

about being with her were the things when—

where I had to do things for her, like

making food or coffee or going furniture

shopping to decorate our apartment. It

just seems like the things I miss most,

apart from the obvious, you know, the

S-word— apart from that, the things

I miss most were maybe the

feeling of responsibility I had, even

though it wasn't much. You know, making

coffee for someone isn't really a huge

amount of responsibility. It's not really

an extremely important task,

but it was my task. It was my job,

if you will. Something that I had to do

and something I enjoyed doing. I guess

I also miss that feeling of someone

relying on me, someone being dependent on

me, even if it is just for simple things

like making coffee or making

food or preparing the bath.

It's nice to feel needed. It's nice to

have someone appreciate you being

there and being there for them. I kind of

always thought of responsibility as

something that's bad, something that has

to be avoided, something that wasn't

desirable, and I thought that if I reduced

the amount of responsibility in my life as

much as possible, then I would be happier.

If I just chased pleasurable feelings

and if I just stayed single and I was

free. I thought my freedom was so

important when I was with her, and when I

was with her, I kept thinking to myself,

oh, I feel so chained down.

I feel like I have no freedom now.

But now that I am free and I have no

responsibilities and I can just do

whatever I want, and I have done whatever

I wanted to, it doesn't

seem like It's

so great, you know, being free. I mean,

what's the point of having freedom if,

um, it feels empty and meaningless?

I, I feel pretty guilty about the whole

thing because I don't really feel as

though she did anything wrong. I don't

feel as though, um, I can blame

her for anything. She was a good wife.

And a good partner. And she did so

much for me. She helped me set up my phone

contract. She managed all

the apartment documents and moving to a

new apartment. She looked up about all the

marriage documents that we needed and

prepared it all. Basically, any kind of

paperwork or situations

where we had to deal with people, she

would take care of, and I wouldn't even do

anything. I didn't even have the

confidence to say hello most of the time

to these, these official people

that we had to send documents off to. And

I used to make up excuses saying, well,

she's a native Japanese speaker, so it

makes sense for her to deal with it all.

It would just make the whole process a lot

slower and difficult if I had to deal with

it. But that's just kind of an excuse.

Even if it was an English-speaking

country, I, I still would just let her

take care of it. I've never really taken

care of anything. Either my dad took care

of it or someone else did. For example,

who do you think took care of all the

paperwork for my dad after he passed?

Who do you think took care of all of the

inheritance stuff and The funeral

stuff and arranging this and arranging

that and phoning up banks. Do you think it

was me? No, it wasn't me. It was my

sister. My sister did pretty much

everything. She was very organized.

She had a little folder with all the

paperwork in it, and I did pretty much

nothing.

And if my sister didn't do it, then my

uncles probably would have done it. And if

my uncles didn't do it and I was the only

person left to do the paperwork stuff,

I probably wouldn't bother,

or I would pay someone to do it. I think

my wife was really understanding with my

mental illness. I don't know if you can

call it a mental illness. I guess social

anxiety is kind of like a mental illness.

She didn't really understand it very well

at the beginning. She thought it was

weird, and she didn't understand why I

felt uncomfortable talking to strangers or

sitting in busy, crowded restaurants, or

she didn't understand why I got stressed

out in busy areas until I had to tell her.

Then she looked stuff up, but she didn't

really judge me, and she still accepted me

for who I was.

And she never pestered me about money.

When we got married, I was only making a

couple hundred pounds a month. My YouTube

channel was so tiny, it was barely making

anything more than maybe $400 a month.

But she never pressured me into getting

a job or doing anything I didn't want to

do. She was very understanding. And I

think she was very patient with me. She

sacrificed a lot for me. She basically

chose me over her own family. She fell out

with her mother, her sister. She didn't

talk to her own mother for nearly half a

year because they fell out over me.

My— I mean, her mum was against

the idea of us being together. I guess she

was right. I guess she can say, I told you

so, now. But my wife decided

to put me first in front of her own

family. I feel kind of bad for wasting 2

years of her life. I think it was around 2

years, maybe a year and a half, because

you know how, how important time is for

women. The older they get, the harder

it is for them to find a partner, and I

feel Kind of guilty that I wasted a year

and a bit of her life. I really

do wish things could have worked out

between us, and there's nothing really to

blame her about. It was all my fault.

I admittedly didn't really feel

that attracted to her straight from the

beginning, and I guess I just didn't care

about her as much as she cared about me.

And I should have told her these things

before getting into a marriage with her.

And I guess the temptation of— the

temptation of other girls,

younger girls, more attractive girls,

was too strong for me to resist.

And I just kept thinking about how great

it would be to be single again and You

know, there'd be all these girls I could

meet up with and it would be great and I'd

have freedom and I wouldn't have to worry

about upsetting my wife and I wouldn't

have any responsibilities and life would

be so great. That's what I imagined,

but reality

isn't really like that. Reality is never

the same as what you imagine. You know,

we all have dreams and some people manage

to make their dreams come true.

But for a lot of us, we either give up

on our dreams because it's too difficult,

or we kind of achieve our dreams, but it's

not quite how we imagined it and it's not

quite as good as what we thought it would

be.

And that's kind of the situation that I'm

in now. Yeah, I can meet up with any girl

that messages me now, and I've done that.

I've met up with a few.

Um, some of them have been okay. I haven't

really talked about it because they asked

me not to. A few of them haven't been so

great, the ones that happened in Germany,

and I'm starting to

think that, you know, this meaningless fun

is just kind of meaningless. And even

though it is a bit fun, sometimes it's not

fun. It's fun, but it's meaningless.

And I'm starting to wonder if this fun is

more important than the feeling

of purpose meaningful feeling

that I had when I was married. I'm not

sure which one's more important now,

after experiencing both.

I always thought I was very unhappy in the

marriage. I always thought that I would be

happier if I found someone else or if I

was single. But now that I look back on my

marriage and last year,

Maybe I wasn't as unhappy in the marriage

as I thought I was. And if

you ask me if I'm happier now than I was

when I was married, I don't really think I

can say that I'm happier now. I mean,

look at my videos recently. Do I look

happier? I don't

know. I guess right

now I'm questioning whether the decision

to leave her was the best decision that

I could have made.

Because, um, I don't

really feel like— I

don't feel as though this lifestyle is

that great. I guess in conclusion, I want

to say that This lifestyle of meaningless

fun isn't better

than the life I had before where it felt

meaningful, but maybe not as fun.

And I guess I just want to say sorry to my

wife as well for messing her around and

for breaking her heart and for several

other things and for saying negative

things about her and for

hurting her feelings. And if I do ever

find someone else again who's as great as

she was, I won't take it for granted,

and I'll try my best not to make the same

mistakes again. And I could genuinely tell

that she really cared for me, and she did

love me, and she did have real feelings

for me. And I'm just sorry that I couldn't

return those feelings back to her. I hope

you can forget about me soon and the pain

I caused you, and I hope you find someone

that you deserve who truly

cares about you and truly loves you.