Being Ugly - My Experience

Today I would like to talk about what it's

like being ugly and my experience and how

it's affected me psychologically and

mentally. I think I first realized

I was ugly when I was about 27 or 28.

For a very long time, I used to think I

was pretty good-looking. I guess you could

even say to a narcissistic level, I

thought I was very good-looking. And it

took me a very long time to realize that

I'm not actually very good-looking, and

there's lots of things about my face that

I dislike, I feel ashamed of, I don't like

showing people. Maybe you've realized that

recently I've started making videos

without showing my face compared to the

beginning of my channel where all of my

videos I showed my face, and that was

because I was actually quite proud of my

face and what it looked like, and I felt

quite confident in my looks, and I felt

attractive. It wasn't until a couple years

ago I started looking at my face in more

detail and started to notice certain

things that I didn't really like about it.

And the more I noticed these things, the

more they stood out, and the more

difficult it became to hide them. And now

I've gotten to this point where I don't

like showing my face on YouTube anymore.

It really affects my mental state

and my happiness. Having to show my face

in a video is just something I find very

uncomfortable these days, which is weird

because just a couple years ago I used to

love showing my face. If I could change

one thing about my face, it would probably

be the quality of my skin.

As most of you know by now, I use beauty

filters when I make videos. I always have

my beauty filter on to nearly the max

level, and the reason why I never really

liked making videos on Apple devices and

iPhones is because they don't usually have

a beauty filter on the default camera app.

But there are some camera apps I found

recently that have a pretty good beauty

filter, and maybe some of you have seen

photos of me without the beauty filter.

And they don't look pretty. I've got these

scars from acne. I've got a lot of

freckles, some blackheads, and this has

always been something that has affected my

confidence level. I'm 31, going to be 32

in a couple months' time, and I'm still

getting pimples. It's really weird. I feel

like I'm gonna be 40+ and I'm still going

to be getting pimples like a teenager. I

have never seen an adult who still gets

pimples when they're my age. It's just

kind of frustrating. I don't really know

what exactly causes it. Could be diet,

could be exercise, could just be my

genetics. But I have very freckly and

blemished skin that I, I really, really

hate. I hate it, to be honest. I don't

like it. Some people say freckles are

cute, but I just don't think that they

look cute. Being ugly has also affected

my confidence level in many ways. I never

really felt confident enough to approach

girls, walk up to them, initiate

conversation, because I would always be

too worried that they wouldn't find me

attractive enough. And I always stopped

myself or avoided talking to girls unless

they came and talked to me first. And this

caused me to be lonely and single for

many, many years of my life. I never even

got a girlfriend until I was about 21.

When I was a kid, a teenager at school, I

felt like the girls didn't even notice me.

I felt like I wasn't good enough. It's not

just my face that I don't feel confident

about. It's also my body. My body is

really skinny. And kind of pathetic

looking, scrawny, not muscular.

And this has also affected my confidence a

lot. I don't know why my body is so

different to normal men's bodies. Most

other men have much larger bodies than I

do. They've got bigger frames, they've got

bigger hands, and they've got muscle and

actual fat actual body fat.

I don't seem to have any body fat anywhere

apart from on my buttocks. Apart from my

buttocks, my whole body is just basically

skin and bone and a very minimal amount of

muscle so I can walk around and move my

limbs. But my body has always been,

always been kind of pathetic looking. I

have tried working out a few times And I

guess it made a little bit of difference,

but I felt like for all the hard work I

was putting into working out every day,

it wasn't really making much of a huge

difference. And I always gave up after

a couple weeks or a couple months of

trying to do push-ups and lifting the

weights. My legs look weird. My legs

just look like sticks,

really. Doesn't seem to be any muscle

definition on them. And it's always been

like this, even when I was very physically

active when I was younger. When I used to

ride my bicycle to school every day, when

I used to ride my bicycle to Maidstone so

I could go to the job center and save

money on public transport. I would ride my

bicycle for 16 miles to

the job center and then back home, which

would take nearly 2 hours. That's a lot of

cycling. And I used to do a lot of running

and playing football at school, and still

my legs have always looked like sticks.

It's just weird. It's like even though I

was more physically active than a lot of

the other kids, the other kids were still

bigger than me and seemed to have larger

muscles than me. My unhappiness with the

physical appearance of my body has led to

a few problems. For example, I don't

like summer because it means I have to

wear a t-shirt and I can't wear layers,

so I can't bulk myself up. I like to wear

layers because it makes me seem less

skinny, but when it's summer, obviously

it's really hot. I can't wear layers,

otherwise I'll just sweat too much and

it'll just be too uncomfortable, so I have

to wear t-shirts. I hate wearing t-shirts

because my elbows look really bony. And I

really don't like showing my elbows.

Buying clothing has always been a problem

for me because it's hard to

get the proper size for my legs. Buying

trousers is the most difficult because I'm

not extremely short, so I have to get

trousers for adults. But it's really hard

finding trousers that have the proper

waist size. My waist size, ideal waist

size for trousers would be about 26 or 27

inches. In most shops, the smallest waist

size for trousers is usually around 30 or

31. That is way too big for me. I usually

need a belt or piece of string to tie it

up, and then it becomes really crinkled up

around the waist because there's so much

excess space that needs to be belted up.

It's very difficult for me to find a good

pair of trousers. Sports is

also a problem. There's a lot of physical

activities and sports that I don't like

doing. Not because I don't enjoy doing

them, but because I don't want to show my

body. For example, swimming. Swimming,

you can't really wear clothing. You have

to take off your clothing and just wear

swimming shorts. This is something I find

very, very embarrassing. And even though I

might really want to have a swim, go for a

swim, especially if I'm at the beach in a

hot country like Malaysia, I might not

swim because I feel too embarrassed about

how skinny I look. I've always kind of

wished that I looked more like a proper

man and less like a boy. Even now I'm 31,

I still have to show my ID when I'm buying

alcohol. And you might think, oh, that's,

that's nice that people still think you

look, look young. You should take it as a

compliment. I don't really take it as a

compliment because The reason why they're

asking me for ID is because I look like a

kid. I look like a teenager. I don't look

like a man. And sometimes it does affect

my masculinity, and it affects how I— how

attractive I feel to women. Because most

women, they don't want to be with a boy or

a boyish-looking guy. They want a

manly-looking man who looks reliable and

tough, someone who can defend them against

maybe other men or against the wilderness.

And I just— I will never look like a

normal man. My arms are never going to be

massive. My shoulders are always going to

be kind of small and not broad.

My head's always going to look kind of

large because my body is kind

of undersized. Which gives off this

illusion that I've got a big head, when in

reality my head's probably the same size

as most other people. It's just my body

that's small. So yeah, those are my

problems with being unattractive and ugly.

It has had a big effect on my life in many

different ways. I tried my best to, you

know, improve my appearance and make

myself look as attractive as I possibly

can with what I have. And I guess I can't

really complain because I have had several

girlfriends. It's not like I've never had

a girlfriend in my life. But still,

I don't really feel very happy with the

way I look, and there's not a lot I can do

about it. And I don't have the willpower

to do exercise and become a hardcore gym

goer. That's just not me.

Um, yeah, I don't really know what else to

say about the topic. Thanks for listening.

Goodbye.