In memory of my cat Toffee

This is a video about my cat Toffee. So

you might know this, but a few days ago I

made a post saying that my mum sent me a

message letting me know that our beloved

family cat Toffee had slipped away

from us and has left this world. And I

just wanted to make a quick video today

just to talk about him and And to remember

him, remember the great times I had with

him. We got Toffee in the year 2000,

which is about 18 years ago, when we first

moved into this house, which used to be my

granddad's house. After my granddad got

hospitalized and he passed away, my dad

bought the house that my granddad lived in

and we moved in. My granddad already had a

cat called Pipi. She was already quite

old. So we started looking after her. My

sister wanted a cat for her birthday, so

my mum went out and bought her a cat.

A little black cat. We named him Toffee.

He was a scrawny little thing, very

skinny. He had a very skinny pointy face,

and his ears were very big, kind of like a

bat's ears. It's kind of strange because

now that I think about it, I don't really

have many memories of Toffee. When, when

he was younger, when I was younger, when I

was a teenager, I don't remember him. I

don't really remember seeing him around.

Maybe I was too obsessed with playing

video games and too busy going to school

to notice him much. I always felt like

Toffee was my friend. When I was in my

early 20s, mid-20s, I didn't have any

friends. I lived this weird lifestyle of

Going to Japan and Korea for a few months

and then coming back home to England,

finding a part-time job. I didn't leave

the house much. I didn't have a social

life, and I would spend most of my days

just sitting in the living room of my

house, sitting there on the armchair on my

laptop. And Toffee would be, be there

always with me, keeping me company. He'd

sit on my lap, sit next to me,

Every time I went into the living room and

I sat down, he would just suddenly run and

appear out of nowhere and rush into the

room, jump onto the chair. He would

scramble up onto the chair because he only

had 3 legs and sit himself on my lap.

I probably spent more time together with

Toffee than I did with my own family.

It was like we were together almost all

the time. I would sit in front of the

fireplace to have my dinner. He would come

and sit by me waiting for me to finish so

he could lick the leftovers off my plate.

He had a few accidents when he was

younger. He got hit by a car and luckily

he survived. He had to go to the vets for

surgery because his stomach got twisted up

inside of him. And after he got hit by the

car, he never went near the roads ever

again when he was younger. He used to

cross the roads and go to other people's

gardens, but after the car accident, he

never ventured across

into other people's gardens ever again.

He just stayed inside the house or nearby

the house, so I guess he remembers it.

And then a few years later, he got some

kind of cancerous tumor in the back of his

leg, and he had to have his leg amputated.

And he spent the last remaining years of

his life hopping around. I remember

there's this other time he fell into the

pond. We have a pond in the garden which

is full of water, and I was inside the

living room and I saw him outside and I

was watching him. He was walking near the

pond and for some reason he started

sniffing the water and then he just fell

into it. Luckily, he was able to

Swim a little and pull himself up. It was

really scary. I thought I had to. I

thought I would have had to run outside

and rescue him.

Sometimes he would make this really

strange face. Where he looked like he was

possessed by a demon or something. He just

stared off into the distance, and he would

have his mouth hanging open, and it was

really funny. Then there was this

other time when he had 4 legs, and there

was this other black stray cat who used to

come to the garden, and he and Toffee used

to fight each other a lot. Most of the

time Toffee would lose because he's a

house cat. Pretty lazy house cat, and the

stray cat's a lot tougher.

Nearing the end of Toffee's life, the last

few years he started to have a lot of

problems with going to the toilet. He lost

control of his bladder. He would start

urinating on the floor. He did make an

effort to get to the litter box, the

litter tray, but he would usually— he

usually lost control before he could get

into it and There were many times when I

had to wipe up his piss or his shit that

was on the floor. It was a bit of a

hassle, to be honest. Sometime last week,

my mum started telling me that Toffee had

problems with his going to the toilet

thing again, and she said that they took

him to the vets. They did something, not

sure what they did, but he didn't get

better and he just looked really

miserable. She showed me some pictures of

him. And he just looked like he had no

more energy. He must have been suffering.

He might have been in pain.

And then a few days ago, my mum sent me

another video of him. He was just lying on

the floor in the green room. We call it

the green room. We have 2 living rooms.

One room is the one with the fireplace and

the TV. And that's the one we usually use,

but we have a second living room which has

green paint, and no one usually uses that

one apart from me. I call it the green

room. Anyway, he was in that room just

lying on the carpet. My mum sent me a

video of him, and my dad was checking him

to see if he was breathing. He was still

breathing, but my dad said he would just

let him slip away instead of taking him to

the vets. He didn't wake up.

It was kind of like he just fell asleep

and he didn't have the strength to

wake up again.

So I guess it's good

that he, he left peacefully.

I'm not sure how he got into that state.

He was just lying on the carpet. Did he

collapse on the carpet? Did he decide to

just lie there? I don't think he would

just fall asleep in the middle of the

carpet like that. He never sleeps there.

He would either sleep in the other room or

on one of the beds or on the chair.

He never sleeps on the carpet in the

middle of the room.

I'm just wondering how it happened. Was he

just trying to walk somewhere? And then

he just collapsed. I keep thinking to

myself that it's strange that he decided

to go to that room. Like I said before,

he never went into that room unless I was

there. He would only come into that room

if I was there so he could sit on my lap.

I never ever saw him in that room by

himself.

And I keep thinking to myself, did he go

into that room to look for me? I know that

sounds stupid, He probably

didn't remember me. It's been— I

left England last year in September. Last

time I saw him was in September, so it's

been over a year. And I keep feeling

guilty. I keep feeling guilty for not

going home sooner to see him.

So I was hoping to at least see him At

Christmas this year. I was hoping he would

last until then. Maybe that's selfish

of me. I think letting

him just go, not taking him to the vets,

not trying to prolong his life anymore,

was the best decision.

He probably was in pain. He probably was

suffering, and he probably

had no chance of getting better since he

was so old.

I just wanted to see him again.

Now I can't. I knew

he was gonna go this year. I just knew it.

He was too old. He had too many problems,

and I knew this day was coming, and I

tried to prepare myself for it. But it

doesn't matter how much you try and

prepare yourself. When the day comes, it

hurts, and there's— there's no avoiding

that pain. I think the thing that hurts

most is knowing that I wasn't there around

When he was about to go. I wish I was

there. I wish I could have comforted him

like he comforted me so many times when I

was feeling lonely and depressed. I feel

like he was always there for me when I

needed him, and I wasn't there for

him during his last moments.

And I just wanted to say I'm sorry.