I don't know what to do with My Life anymore...

Hello. Welcome back to a new video. So as

some of you may already know, I'm feeling

pretty down these days. Not my usual full

of life, happy-go-lucky self that you all

know about. And I kind of want to talk

about why I don't know what to do with my

life anymore. So I've been living in

Manchester for a few months now, and it's

not exactly been everything I hoped for.

So Manchester is, you know, it's a pretty

good city and everything. I don't really

have anything to complain about. And I met

a few people, went to a few places, and

that was great and everything. But I just

can't help but feel really, really bored

and kind of depressed these days. Every

day is kind of the same. I wake up, I I

have my coffee, I watch some news and I

play some video games and then I just play

video games for the rest of the day. And

when I was a kid, that's what I wanted to

do. I, I really, really hated when I was a

kid, I hated having to wake up early in

the morning and then go to school. And

then the idea of getting a job and having

to wake up early in the morning and go to

work was also something I really, really

didn't look forward to. And I saw my dad

waking up in the morning really early when

it was cold and raining outside, starting

up his car and then driving off to work.

And I saw other people stuck in traffic

jams. And I always thought to myself,

wouldn't it be great if I just did not

have to do that? And then I managed to get

myself into a position in life where I

found out how to make money on the

internet, and I make enough money to be

able to pay for rent and food without

needing a job. And Shouldn't that be like

the best thing in the world? My dreams

came true. But then why do I feel so

miserable and down? I think it's because I

just don't really have anything I want to

work towards that I feel really passionate

about. And it's been such a long

time since I've had anything challenging,

you know, that I really wanted to work

towards and become good at. A few examples

would have been wanting to learn Japanese

and wanting to be really good at drawing

anime characters and anime girls. And I

thought being able to play video games all

day, every day and not have to go to work

and not have to do anything difficult

would be the best thing in the world. But

honestly speaking, I can't really say that

I'm feeling very happy. And maybe you

think, oh, it's a very easy problem to

solve. Why don't you just do something?

Just find something that's interesting,

like a hobby, and learn how to do it and

learn how to become good at it. It's

easier to say that than it is to actually

do it. Saying that is like saying to a fat

person, why don't you just go to the gym?

It's like saying to an alcoholic, why

don't you just stop drinking? Even if I

know what I'm supposed to do, I don't

really want to do it. And I think most

people, they have jobs and they go to work

not because they want to, but because they

have to. But then they also don't realize

that even though they might think having

to go to work sucks and they wish they

could stay at home. Well, what happens is

when you get to stay at home every day and

not have to go to work is you end up

feeling like me, really, really miserable.

You know how you hear stories of people

who won the lottery or they won a lot of

money and they quit their job and they

were really happy and they bought all of

the things they really, really wanted.

And then afterwards they just became

really depressed and lonely because their

friends still have to go to work and they

don't have loads of money to hang out with

and they end up just becoming isolated and

they've already bought everything they

wanted, so they don't have anything else

to buy and they don't have anything to do

because they don't need to do anything.

And that's kind of the situation that I

feel like I'm in. There was also that

video game developer called Notch who made

Minecraft. He, he sold his Minecraft

franchise to Microsoft for like $6

billion. And then bought a huge house in

LA, and then he started tweeting about how

sad and lonely he is. Well, I'm not a

billionaire and I'm not super rich, but I

do make enough money to be able to pay for

things and not have to go and get a job.

So I can kind of relate to the feeling of

isolation and not really knowing what to

do with myself now, because the necessity

to do anything is just not really there.

When I had no money, I had to do lots of

different things like going to the job

center and going to get a job and living

in a guesthouse because I couldn't afford

to get my own apartment. And even though

at the time I thought those things sucked,

like living in a guesthouse, sharing a

kitchen with over 100 people was pretty

disgusting. But now that I look back at

those times, I had such great memories and

great times at the guesthouse, meeting

different people, having different

girlfriends, And now I live in this pretty

decent apartment with a nice view and it's

comfortable and everything, but it's just

really, really boring and I can't find any

girlfriends here. Can you imagine if I was

a famous YouTuber before I went to Japan

the first time? I would have just gotten

myself a really nice place all by myself,

and then I would have moaned the whole

time about being lonely and not being able

to find a girlfriend. In a way, not having

money when I was in my early 20s enabled

me to experience such amazing things and

have such a great time. And now compared

to then, even though I've got money now,

seems like a great thing in a way. It's

also like a, like a self-imposed,

self-created prison. It's kind of funny

because every— it's kind of funny because

everyone thinks that having money is how

you have freedom. It's the path to freedom

and being able to do what you want. But

from my experience, having money actually

leads to missing out on the best moments

in life and missing out on a lot of

experiences in life. And yeah,

I don't really know how to feel about that

because I don't want to lose my money and

I don't want to have to go and live in a

guesthouse or like an 8-people mixed

dormitory in the center of the city.

Doesn't really sound very appealing to me,

having to use a shared shower. Full of

people who might have, you know,

questionable backgrounds doesn't really

sound fun to me anymore. So that leads me

on to my next problem. The problem is I

don't know what to do with my life

anymore, and there's not really anything

that interests me. You could suggest all

kinds of things. You could say, why don't

you try fishing? Why don't you try an art

class? Why don't you try pottery? Why

don't you take up ballet? And the problem

is none of those things sound interesting

to me. I can't think of a single thing

that actually interests me outside of

video games. And video games are all good

and well and everything, but it's not

really a productive thing. It's not

something you, you put

work into and create something meaningful.

I mean, you could put work into your

character and level up and get new gear

and get level 50 logging skill and

stuff like that. But at the end of the

day, it's just a video game and it doesn't

really make me feel fulfilled. I can get

to max level on a video game, become

really powerful, and it still feels kind

of empty at the end of the day. In a way,

I kind of miss the days when I was younger

and I had ambitions and goals and I was

willing to do challenging and difficult

things like learning Japanese, learning

Korean, learning arts, and trying to learn

new skills. I don't know why. As I got

older, I just kind of lost any willpower

to do anything difficult or challenging.

And it kind of sucks because I don't feel

proud of anything now. I don't feel like

I'm developing any kind of skill, or I'm

not creating anything cool. And I just

think it would be really nice if I could

find something I actually felt passionate

towards. I used to feel passionate about

making videos. I used to look forward to

coming home from the petrol station. I'd

have all these ideas that I think of at

the petrol station during work, and then I

used to rush home to make the video and I,

I tried my best to make it a really good

video and I really enjoyed the whole

process of it. And even that I kind of

lost interest in as well. And now I don't

really know where to focus my, my energies

and my passion into. I thought I was

passionate about stocks and investing,

but maybe that's just like a gambling

thing because it feels good when you make

money. But then I'm not making the money

because of any skill. It's just luck,

really. I just don't really know what to

do these days. In times like these, I

would usually just go to Japan or Korea,

meet some people, have a good time, make

some memories. But because of the

you-know-what, you know, I guess a lot of

people are in the same situation. They

can't do the things they want to do or go

to places they want to go because of the

restrictions. And maybe I just have to

suck it up like everyone else, but it

just, it really does suck. And one of my

biggest fears was being stuck in England,

and the idea of, of just being in my own

country long term and not being able to

move about, um, never really seemed

appealing to me, which is why I never

focused on trying to get a career or

owning property or creating some kind of

social network or friendship group circle

in my own country because I just never

really saw myself being here for such a

long time. And now I've been here for over

a year now, which is the longest I've been

in my own country since 2009,

I think. So now I just feel like I'm

waiting for Japan to reopen because I

can't wait to be able to go back there and

start dating again. I just don't have any

luck dating in my own country. The girls

here just don't really find me attractive,

I guess, or find me appealing. Plus,

having an OnlyFans and a weird YouTube

channel doesn't really help things either.

And I guess having a girlfriend is not

really going to make things a lot better

anyway, because I had a girlfriend last

year and to be honest, I still felt

miserable and sad and bored as well last

year. I didn't know what to do. I didn't

have anything I felt passionate towards.

I just spent all day playing games and

watching porn. And yeah, that's probably

why she dumped me, because I was just

miserable and boring and depressed all the

time and not really fun to be around. So

that's just how I've been feeling

recently, feeling kind of down, not really

great. Manchester hasn't exactly

been full of adventure and amazing

times so far. Even though

I haven't really had a lot of things to

complain about, not really much to

celebrate either. So hopefully

things improve, improve a bit next year

and I can go back to somewhat

enjoying life again.