I miss the guesthouse and the Canadian guy

Sometimes I feel like I really miss the guest house. I know I complained a lot about living in the guest house. I was saying things like I wasn't happy there, it was boring, there were no interesting people. And that was true, there were a lot of irritating things about living in the guest house. But when I was

actually living in the guest house, I think that I was unable to see the good things. And now that I've moved out of the guesthouse and it's been a few weeks since I stopped living there, I feel like I've started to begin to be able to

miss the guesthouse. I've noticed things that I miss about living at the guesthouse. For example,

there's several things. It's kind of strange living in the guesthouse. It's like a weird mixture of feelings. On one hand, I felt incredibly lonely. I felt like I could just disappear one night and then no one would even notice. No one would message me and say, hey Daniel, where are you? Haven't seen you for a while. I

felt like I could sit in the living room for hours and hours and no one would even talk to me. No one would even look my way. But on the other hand, I, I really enjoyed the total, the complete and total sense of freedom. I could do anything I wanted to whenever I wanted to. I could wake

up at 7 PM and then I could walk around at 2 AM. I could go and buy a McDonald's at 4 AM and then come back to my room and just fall asleep. I didn't have to worry about what time my girlfriend's coming home or what time I have to wake up or if I have to do

anything that day. I could just do whatever I wanted to, and I really miss things like The midnight walks, the midnight live streams. I miss walking around the neighborhood. It was a really good neighborhood now that I think about it. It was very, very peaceful, very calm. There were lots of straight wide roads which I enjoyed. There's

not really many wide roads around here. It's very claustrophobic in this neighborhood and it's mainly tiny streets.

Which I find to be a bit suffocating. I miss going to that park. The park was really good. I enjoyed walking to the park while streaming and then walking around, and I feel a little bit upset that I can't do that anymore. I feel a bit upset that I can't just walk out at midnight and start streaming

whilst walking around randomly. There's nothing physically stopping me from doing that, but My girlfriend would think it's pretty weird if I started to do that, and I don't want to disturb her by coming home at 2 AM in the morning and waking her up. And I miss the kinds of people that used to watch me then. I've

noticed that a lot of people who used to watch me a few weeks ago or a month or two ago, they've stopped commenting or they've stopped watching me. I think that Because of my recent behavior, I might have turned quite a few previous fans or supporters against me. And I guess I can't blame them. I've given them

a lot of reasons why they can dislike me or why they shouldn't like me. But I do feel a bit sad that I don't see their usernames pop up anymore in the livestreams or on the Discord. Several people have been saying that I've changed. They said that recently you've become this horrible, arrogant person that you didn't used

to be. You used to be this likable, relatable guy. And I haven't really changed. This is how I've always been. It's just that up until recently, I haven't been comfortable showing you this side of myself. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think I'm a very nice person. I can be selfish, I can be self-centered, I can,

um, do things that benefit me but don't benefit the people around me. And before, I used to make an effort to try and at least come across as a nice person, a decent person. But for some reason recently, I just feel like it's becoming hard to hide that. It's It's become— it's becoming easier to just let people

know what I'm really like.

I miss going into the living room in the guest house. There was this exciting feeling about going into the living room and wondering if someone's going to talk to me today, or wondering if there's a new person who might be interesting.

But that, that never really happened. Maybe it happened a few times. I really enjoyed talking to that Japanese girl. She was very friendly. She spoke to me sometimes. Sometimes I would sit next to her and speak to her about things.

I missed eating my food in the living room and watching TV, and then sometimes I'd get a tap on the shoulder from behind, and I'd turn around and it was the Canadian guy. And he would sit next to me, he would get out his food, and we would start talking about— just talk about random things that we've

been doing. I like living with my girlfriend. I think it's a lot better than the guest house in many ways, in different ways. It's nice to have privacy. It's nice not to have to deal with things like the Mexican guy on his phone all the time, or the French guy. Walking up and down rambling to himself like

a crazy person.

It's nice not having to— to have to see people when I didn't want to see people.

But now I feel like I'm depending completely on my girlfriend for all of my social interactions, and I don't feel like I have anyone else apart from her. I don't have any friends.

I don't really know anyone apart from her. I feel a bit like I'm trapped, like I'm a prisoner in this apartment. I know I could just easily walk out that door right now, go for a walk, do a nighttime livestream.

There's nothing physically stopping me from doing that, but I feel like there's something mentally stopping me from doing that. I feel like I don't want to go outside even though I want to. Doesn't really make sense. I wasn't really expecting much from the guest house because last year when I went to the guest house, it was a

complete failure as well. I feel like I'm past that point in my life where

I think that living in guest houses is exciting on fun. I feel like I've grown up and I'm not— I'm not like how I used to be 7 years ago. But at the back of my mind, I was still hoping that there might be something interesting about the guesthouse. There might be something there that makes it worth

going to.

When I left the guesthouse to check out, when I got on the train to come back to this place, I felt really sad and emotional. I actually felt like I was going to start crying. I had to, I had to put effort into stopping tears coming out because I knew it was going to be the last time

I ever went there. I don't feel like I ever want to go back to that place again,

but it's a strange place for me because I had so many memories there.

I did so many things for the first time. 7 years ago, I came to Japan, and I was just this kid, this 20-year-old who didn't know anything about the world, who didn't have a social life, who had never experienced things like being in a relationship or holding a girl's hand or kissing a girl's lips. And then in

this short space of around 5 months, 7 years ago, I completely changed as a person. I gained all of these new exciting experiences, like having sex for the first time, and I just wanted to continue that kind of lifestyle where I would experience those fun and exciting things all the time. That's why I kept going back to

guest houses. But every time I went back to a guest house, I felt like I was becoming more and more bitter. And negative as a person. I kept comparing each trip to the guest house to the previous trip. I kept complaining about how it's not as exciting or fun as it was the last time.