Manchester is boring...

Welcome back to Manchester.

Wow, it's been 5 days since I last did a

livestream. What the hell have I been

doing?

What the hell have I been doing?

How's the laptop? It's really good.

Yeah, I can play Rainbow Six Siege on

ultra and it's really, really smooth. I

didn't realize how unsmooth

it was on my GTX 1060.

It's just really,

really smooth. I didn't realize that's how

it's supposed to be played because I've

been playing on a 6-year-old computer all

And mouse is good. The only thing I don't

like is the webcam. This webcam is

very fisheye. It just looks like a fisheye

lens. It's not good, really distorted.

So the webcam that's on the laptop is good

The one— the wide-angle webcam I had back

at home was much better because it was

wide, but then it didn't like distort it,

so it was like a fishbowl.

Just trying to think what games to get.

Rainbow Six Siege is fine and all, but I

feel like getting some kind of story game

because I quite enjoyed Assassin's Creed

3. Just not sure what.

Been playing Chivalry 2 as well, but it

gets a bit repetitive after a few hours.

Did I get the mouse pad? No, it's too

expensive. And then the wireless mouse

lasts quite a long time.

I charged it yesterday to

100%, used it all day yesterday and all

day today, and it's still at 83%.

So it lasts quite long, and then you can

just charge it. It doesn't even take very

long to charge using the cable anyway, so

I don't see the point of those wireless

charging mats. It's just really expensive,

and then Unless you're playing for

like 24 hours straight.

I was going to stream on the laptop and I

set everything up, but then I got a

massive pimple. It's probably the biggest

pimple I've ever had. It's like 6 pimples

all in one place, and then they all kind

of merged together, and now there's like a

mountain of Pus on my— it's disgusting. I

can see it just by looking down. It's in

my peripheral vision.

There's so— it's just like a massive lump

of pus now. I don't know if I should burst

it. It just looks disgusting. I was

supposed to go food shopping today, but I

just don't want to go outside because it

looks so bad.

Hopefully it's tomorrow. Tomorrow it heals

up a bit more.

It's the most disgusting looking pimple

I've ever had.

Well, luckily I still have enough food for

today's dinner. I also got Huel, but I

haven't picked it up yet. It's downstairs

at the reception. I got Huel

and I got some earphones, earbuds,

in case— because the plug-in microphone

works, I think, but then there's no audio

because the speakers get shut off.

So I need some kind of headphones to be

able to hear sounds myself. I thought

maybe we could do some reaction stuff, I

I just got some cheap earphones, like £15.

They look like ripoff AirPods. Should do

the job. Also, I haven't had a wash for

like 4 days, so my hair is full of grease.

Not looking great. I'll have a bath

tonight. That's why I'm streaming early

today, because I think I'll just do 5

hours and then have a bath around 10.

Get cleaned.

Laptop's pretty good, I guess. Well, it

better be for the money. £1,800.

Every time I get a laptop, I always get

all these idiots, annoying people in the

comments going, why didn't you get a

desktop? You should have got a PC desktop.

Yeah, well, how am I going to carry around

a PC desktop when Japan reopens or I want

to go traveling? Or they say, why don't

you get the 14-inch or the 15-inch?

Because I want 17-inch. I don't want a

small screen.

Why aren't you showering? Because I don't

really see any point showering if I'm not

going to go outside.

Otherwise it just feels like a waste of

water.

Really, I was supposed to shower today and

go shopping, but because of the bloody

pimple, didn't really feel like it.

See, this is the good thing about not

having a job, because days like this I

really would not want to be meeting

people. I remember when I worked at the

Roebuck Inn, I was nonstop getting

pimples, and then when I got a really big

one, I just really did not want to go into

work. Yeah, people don't care, but I care.

Why does every time I complain about

pimples, someone always goes, people don't

care? I don't care if people don't care.

I care because it looks gross.

I don't care if they care or not.

The point is that I care.

I've showered every day before and I still

got pimples. Doesn't make any difference.

Nothing makes any difference. Usually

stress, more stress makes the pimples get

worse, and I'm pretty stressed right now.

Just, well, not stressed, more like

depressed. No, it's not my diet,

cuz I have times when I don't get any

pimples at all, when I'm feeling pretty

good. It's mostly cuz of stress and

loneliness recently.

I'm just constantly thinking about Chihiro

and my marriage and how I fucked up for

nothing. This is pretty frustrating.

Because life is just so boring and empty

right now. I don't know what to do about

it.

If I didn't care what others thought—

well, I care about them thinking if I look

gross or not. I don't want to go outside

and then people look at me and think, oh,

he looks disgusting. I want to look nice

when I go out.

I say the same things each stream. Yeah,

cuz the same— nothing has changed.

There's nothing else to talk about.

The fact of the matter is people will look

at me and they will think it looks gross.

So yeah, in a way I do care.

So that— the point the other guy made

saying people don't care is not true.

It's not that people care or not care,

it's that they'll notice and they will

form an opinion and a judgment. That I

look disgusting and I don't want to feel

like people think I look disgusting. So

I'd rather just not go outside and wait

for it to heal. It's not rocket science.

It's like, why don't I walk outside naked?

People don't care.

I hate this stupid conversation. Why do

people always have to argue everything I

fucking say? If I don't want to go

outside, I don't want to fucking go

outside, okay? Stop telling me people

don't care or do care. Some might care,

some might look and laugh or go, ugh. Not

everyone will, but some will, and some is

enough to make me not want to go outside.

Fuck's sake.

Yeah, if I walked down the street and I

saw someone had like a massive pimple I

wouldn't necessarily care,

but I'd look at him and I'd go, uh, he

looks gross, because he does.

If he's got like a massive pimple,

pimples look gross. No one looks at a

pimple and goes, um, so nice looking.

They look disgusting.

And I always seem to get them in the same

place for some reason, not random places

on my face. It's always Usually the 4 same

places. Do I keep touching that

place or something? I don't know why.

I put hand sanitizer on it thinking the

alcohol might dry it up faster.

There's nothing in Manchester to do. What

is there to do in Manchester? There's

nothing. It's just like the most plain

boring city in the whole world. She's got

restaurants and shops, that's it. There's

no touristy things at all. There's nothing

of interest. There's like a few museums

that just has the same stuff any other

museum has.

No, the big pimple always coincides with a

lot of stress, and I have been pretty

stressed this week.

Every city is boring for you? Well, I

don't really, I don't

really, you know, get my jimmy jammies

up in excitement because I'm in a city.

It's just a city is just a place you live

and it's convenient. I'm not like, oh wow,

I'm in a city! Oh my God, my life's

amazing because I'm in a city! It's just a

place to live, isn't it? You couldn't give

a fuck about the actual city as long as

it's not dangerous and it looks nice.

I don't really get excited about places.

Place is just a place. It's just got

buildings, roads, and cars.

I don't really get excited about being in

Japan either. I get excited because I get

fucking pussy and I get to go on dates and

there's actually people who want to meet

up.

Why can't they just bring all the Japanese

people here and then get all these people

or send them some other place?

Will I leave the new laptop in Japan?

Hopefully not.

Yeah, the first time I left the laptop

because my dad died and I wasn't expecting

to be using a laptop, so I

thought I'd just leave it in Japan. But

then I also didn't expect to start hooking

up with a bunch of viewers. And then all

that happening. And then the second time,

yeah, I voluntarily left it behind because

I thought I was gonna go on a world

traveling trip and I thought carrying a

laptop around wouldn't be very nice. Then

stupid COVID happened one month later.

No, literally the next day COVID started.

Yeah, I remember, I remember now.

Literally the day I left, people were

panic buying the face masks and I was

looking for a face mask and I couldn't

find the proper ones. I had to get like

The ones with the moisture packs in them.

So I literally left my marriage when

COVID began. I couldn't think of any worse

timing at the time. You know, no one was

really thinking of it. They were just

thinking, oh, it's just like a weird virus

out of China. It's not going to really

make much of a difference.

Who knew? Like 2 years later, we're still

suffering from it.

If I would have known this would be a

stupid virus, I would have stayed married,

because now my life is pretty much exactly

the same as when it was married, but with

added crippling loneliness.

At least when I was married, I didn't feel

lonely.

When am I moving from Manchester? Well,

when Japan reopens,

ideally.

I don't think they're going to reopen this

year. Maybe next year.

Why don't I have male friends? Because I

don't really get much pleasure out of male

company, to be honest.

I want, I want the relationship dynamic,

not a friendship dynamic. Why do I have to

keep explaining the same thing over and

over again?

I'm not interested in, like, having a

buddy to go hang out in a bar with,

or like a guy friend.

That doesn't do anything for me. I still

feel just as miserable just being with

Japan doesn't really have a lockdown, so

if I stayed in Japan, I don't really think

life would have been that much different.

They, they have— what do they call it—

like a state of emergency where they just

have a curfew. I think they had a bit of a

lockdown But not very long. I don't think

the Japan lockdowns were as strict as they

were in Europe.

I feel like I've been explaining why I

want to be in a relationship for years

now. People keep saying the same things

like, oh, why don't you get friends?

Well, why don't you get an open

relationship? Why don't you date this and

date that? Date— why don't you date

someone who also does OnlyFans? Well, I'd

love to. Why don't you show some to me

then? Not a single girl I ever talked to

does OnlyFans. The only one was Shin.

Well, why don't you date someone who does

porn? I'd love to. And no one does porn.

I've not met a single person who does

porn. It's not

like I'd go, oh no, I'm not dating anyone

who does porn. Of course I would.

I feel like my voice has lost power. I

think it's because I haven't really talked

Yeah, if it wasn't for my OnlyFans, could

have gone on a date last weekend maybe.

But then if it wasn't for my OnlyFans,

I'd be broke. So that's the trade-off.

Choose between being broke or going on a

How do you know you'd be miserable with

friends? Because I had friends before and

I felt I still felt like I want a

relationship. Having friends isn't the

same as having a partner.

Why do I have to keep explaining this?

This should be pretty common knowledge,

common sense. Having friendship is

nothing like a relationship.

You can't do the things you want to do

with a friend that you want to do with a

partner, because if you do, then they're

not friends anymore. Then they become a

partner. You start cuddling and fucking

your friend, they're not really friends

anymore. They basically become your

girlfriend or boyfriend.

I can't do the things I want to do with a

friend Which is basically like couple

You don't seem to enjoy relationships.

Well, I definitely was a lot happier in

all of the relationships than I am now.

Maybe I seemed unhappy when I was married,

but trust me, I'm 100 times

more depressed and miserable now than I

ever was when I was married.

There's no good things about my

life now compared to when I was married.

Yeah, I can do what I want when I want.

Wow, great, amazing.

It doesn't make me happy, really.

Ah, I made all the wrong decisions.

I just— I can't be bothered anymore to do

the whole dating app stuff.

Such a pain in the backside.

Uh, I phoned that Japanese woman. She was

nice. We spoke

in Japanese and yeah, I didn't really have

any problem speaking in Japanese. I

understood everything she said. I forgot a

few words like countryside and I forgot

inaka, which was countryside, and then I

forgot how to say I've got free time,

which was hima. I kept thinking hiruma,

and then I kept thinking, no, that was

not— that's weird. It's not hiruma,

it's hima. Yeah, I kept forgetting a few

words here and there, but then I

remembered them.

We spoke for about an hour and a half,

which is quite good, isn't it? It feels

like a really boring phone call that we

weren't enjoying, I don't think it would

have gone on for so long.

See, if I was in Japan, I could get dates

so easily. And she's like perfect

as well. She's 32, she lives alone, she's

lonely. I mean, she literally told me she

moved to Fukuoka because she's lonely.

Ticks all my boxes.

Isn't it just typical? Like, the country I

want to be in the most is the country

that, that's the hardest to get in right

now. Could have been any other country.

And then it's been raining for weeks now,

almost every day.

Lots of rain.

Sounds like you just want to go there for

cereal. No, I want to go there for cereal

and for a potential partnership— I mean

relationship— plus make content,

plus I wouldn't mind having some food

again. Getting bored of English

food.

Why don't I go to Southampton? Because

it's all the way at the other end of the

country, and what for?

Pia messaged me. She asked me What

do you want? I don't really know what that

means. Like, do you know what you want? I

think that's what she said. I said I don't

know anymore. Not sure what she's

asking though. Yeah, she definitely saw

I thought the video was quite good.

People thought it was funny. I missed a

few jokes I could have added. You know, I

said Her boyfriend came to my house to

deliver a Christmas card. I could have

also said, and then he came to deliver his

girlfriend. Every time I make a video and

I watch it back after I've uploaded it, I

keep realizing missed opportunities. I

could have put in a joke.

Well, I guess she's not upset about the

video. I was a bit worried she'd be like,

take the video down, Cesium's gonna kill

me, but she was fine with it, I think.

I don't really know how a relationship

would work. I mean, this place is pretty

small. I don't think 2 people in here

would be very comfortable.

The toilet situation would be a bit

awkward. I mean, when I go for a poop,

you all can hear me, can't you? So if

there's 2 people here, kind of

embarrassing. The toilet's right over

there. Plus, we'd be

at home together every day, all day. It

would be a bit claustrophobic, won't it?

I feel lonely, but it doesn't mean I want

to be with someone 24 hours, 7 days a

week. That would stress me out a bit too.

You got to have balance. Being 100% alone

is not nice, and being 100% with someone

is also not nice either.

The toilet in the Rotterdam apartment was

even more embarrassing because Uh, the

sofa bed was literally right behind the

wall. The toilet was right behind the wall

of the sofa bed. So when we were sitting

on the sofa bed and another person goes to

the toilet, it's like being on the toilet

right next to them. The walls weren't very

thick.

It'll be okay in the living area because

the sofa is quite big. And then you got

the table too.

My neighbor is really annoying though.

You can hear that thumping. I'm pretty

sure that music is coming from that room

next to me. So I put my ear up against the

wall and I could hear it much clearer.

I don't know how I keep making the worst

possible decisions every time. It's like a

50/50 chance, isn't it? But then if

I chose the other one, I feel like I would

be complaining about that outcome as well.

If I stayed married, I'd be— I bet you

anything I'd be complaining about stuff

like, oh, I could have been

effing Essex girl, or I could be effing

this girl.

You see, you don't know what's going to

happen until you try it.

But then if I never left, I would never

have met Mina. I don't know.

But then being able to meet Mila meant

sacrificing a pretty

good partner and life in Japan, which I

don't really feel like it was worth it

now.

Yeah, Mila made me miserable as well

nearing the end.

I guess there's no point thinking about

this because it's not like I can go back

in time. I just want to feel like

I didn't make the worst decision.

I'm pretty sure I felt like this when I

was in Japan, but maybe not as bad. I felt

trapped and frustrated in Japan too. I

felt like I wanted to go home, but then I

didn't realize it would be such a

nightmare living with my mum again.

I didn't— I just can't live back home

anymore. The constant people coming over,

my mum just nonstop nagging and being

annoying.

It didn't used to be that bad. There

weren't always so many people coming over.

I didn't— expects it to be like that.

Every day some bloody people coming over.

Before, no one came over, and then she

went to work, and then she was gone most

of the day, and then my dad was at work,

and then my sister didn't live there

because she lived in London, and then it

was just me in the house all by myself

most of the day, and no one came over,

and it was great. Just me and the cats,

make myself bacon sandwich, play some

games. I loved it. And now it's all just

flipped upside down.

Always someone at the house, always guests

coming over. And now I think Mrs. Mimo is

gonna die. My sister messaged me

yesterday. She said Mimo looks really ill

and she's not eating. They took her to the

vets and the vet said they think she has

colon cancer, so they

gave her some injections. I don't think

Mimo is going to last the rest of this

year. Every time I leave home, one of my

cats dies. I had a

feeling. She just looks really miserable

when I left. Even people in the comments

were saying, your cat looks like it's

going to die. I'm just trying

to mentally prepare myself. I kind of, I

kind of expected her to die last year

actually, because she just looks so weak

and frail. The ducks,

the ducks apparently are still there and

they're really big now. I don't think the

ducks are gonna leave. Why would they

leave? They've got all the food they want,

they've got 2 ponds, they've got a huge

garden. Why leave?

Mimo has hyperthyroidism, which is when

the thyroid gland produces too many of

the, the hormones, which is why she's

always breathing and like she's always got

like a very fast heartbeat. And she

always— you can see like her breathing is

very rapid.

So she had to, um, have medicine to

control that, but then every time they

take her to the vets, it freaks her out

and causes her stress, and then it makes

it worse.

Yeah, depressing. Everything just dies or

leaves you in the end.

Just one by one, everything dies.

That's why I'd be kind of sad about

getting pets, because eventually they're

gonna die and then you're gonna miss them,

or they might have an accident.

It's just sad.

You're supposed to be making more life,

but in the end you just end up watching

everything else die around you.

I probably won't get to see her again

because I don't think I'm gonna go back

home.

Yeah, one of my cats got— actually, 2 of

them got hit by a car. Toffee got hit by a

car, but he survived. He had to get a lot

of operations. The other cat died from

getting hit.

Peepee died from old age.

Toffee also died of old age. He was pretty

old. He's like 18 when he died. Nemo's

only about 15 or 16, which seems kind of

young. Maybe she's got a few more years

left in her if the vets can sort her out,

but it doesn't sound good if she's not

eating for days.

And I finished watching all of Clarkson's

Farm. Now I feel sad because I don't have

anything to watch. They're making season

2, but it's coming out next year. It was

so interesting learning about farming.

Yeah, I don't know what to do with my

life. It's been 1 month since I moved into

this apartment. It's been 2 months since I

came to Manchester.

I thought something might have happened

already by now. Really?

I was kind of expecting the first

Manchester girl to reject me because it

happens, but then I was kind of expecting

to at least have like a plan B,

an unexpected plan B that came out of

nowhere. But no, nothing.

Got nothing.

Kind of losing the willpower to meet

people.

Maybe I'll get Pia to come.

No, I don't, don't think that would be a

All I can hear is— what

shit music is he playing?

Probably sounds different. All I can hear

is the bass. Why does he

have to have it so loud?

Stream games on a laptop? I don't think

people would be interested in it.

Also, it's hard to talk and play a game at

the same time, so I would end up trying to

play the game and then not talking much,

and then people would get bored because

most people come to listen to me talk,

don't they?

Yeah, it's definitely music.

I don't know why this person doesn't go to

work because sometimes it's like the

middle of the week and it's 1 PM or 2 PM

and then it starts playing.

I know which room it is. Maybe I should

write a note, stick it on his door.

Turn the fucking bass down, for fuck's

sake. Why do you even need bass? I never

have bass when I listen

to music. I just listen to the music. I

don't need the mm-mm-mm-mm in the back of

my skull.

I used to have like a subwoofer speaker

with bass because I thought that makes

music better. I didn't like it because the

bass kind of drowns out the music.

Oh, it stopped now. Maybe you can hear me.

Yeah, my mind is really messed up right

now because some weeks I'm really missing

Meida, and then some weeks I really miss

Chihiro. And at the end of the day, it

doesn't matter at all because neither of

them would take me back. And then I miss

them for 2 different reasons. They were

like 2 really big parts of my life.

If I had to choose between me and little

Chihiro, who would I choose to take back?

Hmm, probably Chihiro.

Meela just didn't do it for me because,

you know, I kind of crave the relationship

dynamic. She just kind of failed on every

front providing that, whereas Chihiro

satisfied me very much with the whole

relationship dynamic.

And yeah, I guess personality is more

important than looks if you're choosing

someone to live with,

cuz I don't think I'll find— I think it'll

be hard to find someone whose personality

I find as

unannoying as Chihiro was.

Everyone's just really annoying.

I don't think my requirements are that

difficult. I just want someone who's not

really loud and not annoying.

Yeah, I made a few videos saying she was

annoying, but that was just clickbait and

they're really petty reasons anyway.

Like she walks too slowly. Well, Mida

walked too fast. She would just walk off

ahead of me, not even hold hands and walk

next to me. No, she'd just like walk off,

leaving me behind. And I'd be like, can't

you match your speed with mine?

Otherwise, what's the point of going out

together if we're just going to walk in

like single file?

What is the point?

We're going in the same— to the same

destination. There's no point you arriving

at the destination a couple minutes before

I do, and then just— we're not just

walking together. I just didn't get her at

all sometimes.

I guess

it's kind of pointless. Just let it go.

I don't know why it feels— it feels like

it's an important thing to do, to try and

decide which one I miss

most.

Maybe it's so I can try and decide what I

want most, what I would prioritize.

I just— I miss my life in Japan. It was

just so much better.

I just felt like my life in Japan was more

regimented and structured and had more

activities. Whereas now there's like

no structure and my only activities are

wait until market opens, do some trading,

play Rainbow Six, eat food,

because my life just has no social aspects

Just felt like Japan was more exciting,

you know. Had viewers who

wanted to meet up, like TQ Sam or Elvis,

and then I had couple activities with

Chihiro, and then I don't know,

I just feel like life was more Enriched.

Yeah, but now my channel's dead, I guess I

won't have people meeting me anyway, even

if I was in Japan.

Uh, 5 more months of this.

What should we do after 5 months? I don't

know if I can stay here another 6 months.

But then where do we go?

I remember you complaining about views

dropping.

Yeah, I was just constant worrying about

the views going down.

And I thought leaving Chihiro would be

good because there were 2 good reasons.

Number one, more adventures,

which would be more content, more views.

Number 2, I get to sleep with different

girls.

And I guess I achieved that up until

middle of last year.

Oh, thank you.

Will you visit Maid_Stone for the

holidays? Did your mom's BF's kids move

in? No, I'm not going back for Christmas.

I'm not going to travel 4 hours all the

way there just to get whined and nagged at

and insulted. And then 4 hours all the way

I don't really know what I'm doing for

Christmas. Probably nothing. Probably get

KFC as a treat.

Um, I don't know. What do you think is

going to happen next January? I feel

like I'm going to go crazy if I live here

for a year like this. Maybe let's just

go to Greece.

It's a nice place and they got good

internet. Life's easy. Just go to Aldi,

get food. But It's just boring.

I don't feel stimulated.

At least when I'm in Japan, I feel kind of

stimulated.

Maybe I should

try and get the vaccine. At least I can

get that out of the way. But then what if

I get the vaccine and then next year you

need to get a different vaccine? Then I

might as well not have gotten this year's

vaccine. If next year it's gonna have like

all different variants, apparently Delta

variant still infects people with the

vaccine, so then they're probably gonna

make a Delta variant vaccine, aren't they?

What if next year Japan says, oh, we're

open, but you need the 3rd vaccine,

not the 1st or 2nd one?

I can't be bothered to get it.

I don't feel like I need to vaccinate

because I'm self-isolating. I've been

self-isolating for a year.

Why don't they have a vaccine center in

the city? All of the centers are like 20

minutes, 30 minutes walk away from where I

am. They don't have ones right in the

I'm in solitary confinement.

Since January now.

Oh, I miss Japan. The main reason I miss

Japan is because I would get so many dates

if I was in Japan.

And the women are so easy to talk to,

and I can make like silly little mistakes

in Japanese and then they laugh and think

It's really easy to make Japanese women

laugh. I don't even know why they're

laughing sometimes. Like when I did the

phone call a few days ago, I mentioned

some celebrity and I said, they got old

now. And then she laughed. I didn't

even know why that was funny. She said the

way I said it was like funny or something.

I just feel more comfortable speaking to

Japanese women for some reason.

Kind of ran out of things to talk about

though. We talked about— well, I told her

a bit about stocks, and then I—

we talked about travel stuff.

Virus stuff.

I wrote down a list of things to talk

about in case my mind went blank, but it

was quite unawkward talking to her.

I don't know if she— well, she said let's

phone again, but I don't know if she meant

it. Hopefully I didn't bore her,

and she seems interested in meeting.

She's 32, so I don't know,

maybe when Japan opens I'll message

Chihiro, ask if she wants to get back, or

else I'll go, go and meet this other

woman. Give her like an option.

I don't think she wants to get back. I've

seen people ask her in the comments and

she's always like, no way, never, not at

all.

So I doubt it.

I just— when I was married, I just kind of

had this stupid dream of— I kept

thinking, oh, I wish I had a 20-year-old

younger girlfriend who speaks English.

That would be so much better. And then

I tried it and it just really wasn't.

And now I'm realizing I kind of fucked

myself by having OnlyFans. So now it's

like 80% of women wouldn't want to date me

anyway just because I have OnlyFans and

they don't even know all the bad stuff

like my YouTube channel history.

It's like that other girl basically just

rejected me straight away just because of

the OnlyFans. I don't even know if she saw

my bad history.

So I kind of fucked my chances of ever

getting like a normal,

good girlfriend. Didn't really expect

to get one anyway, so don't know if I lost

much.

Let's face it, I never really had any

chances with a high-quality, normal,

attractive woman who's

in her 20s, even without the

OnlyFans. I, I think I realized that when

I was in my early 20s and And I just kind

of gave up and went for married women in

Dunno, I just always had this expectation

in my mind that I should be able to get a

nice, normal, attractive girlfriend like

everyone else does. Guess I was deluded,

wasn't I?

I just don't have the drive to get that.

I mean, look at Keemstar with his new

girlfriend who's like 20. Say what you

want to say about Keemstar, and yes, he is

a massive dickhead, but he does look like

a fun guy to be around. You have to give

it to him. He's not like all moping and

sad and, oh, my life sucks. He looks like

a fun person to be with, and he's

obviously successful and driven. I just

cannot say the same about myself. I'm so

depressing to be around. I'm just like,

oh, like bloody Eeyore

from Winnie the Pooh.

Keemstar just looks like the life of a

party, life of the party.

Never a dull moment, always up to

stuff. So when I

watched Jeremy Clarkson's Farm, I kept

thinking, why Why

bother with all this work? What is the

point? And then it kind of clicked. It's

because Jeremy is not depressed and he

enjoys doing new stuff.

Because what's the alternative? What, you

sit in your chair all day being bored?

Normal people like doing stuff.

They don't just sit in the home

complaining about how boring life is.

I don't know why, I just don't want to do

anything that takes any effort.

Jeremy Clarkson's a multi-millionaire.

Why is he messing around wasting all this

money getting sheep and bees and plowing

and combine harvesting? Why?

To me, it doesn't make much sense.

It's like trying to make your life

difficult on purpose,

but then giving yourself a challenge is

what makes life fun.

To challenge yourself and then try and

overcome the challenge is probably what—

where most fulfillment in life comes from.

Problem is, I don't want to do anything

challenging because every time I tried, I

just failed and it made me feel shit.

That's why I like video games, because it

is like a challenge, but then it's like a

very, very low effort challenge. You don't

really have to spend any money. You just

buy the game. It's not dangerous.

You don't really have to do anything.

Apart from click here, click there.

I can't believe he only made £140 after a

whole year of farming.

They said they made -40% because of the

bad weather, so They

should have made an extra 90K if the

weather was good.

I just don't really want to do anything.

I don't know what to do.

There's nothing out here in the city that

I really want to do. Sure, they might have

painting classes and art courses and

restaurants and, I don't know, everything

you can imagine, and none of it interests

me.

Wouldn't mind going to a restaurant maybe,

but I'm not gonna go by myself.

I don't know, really stuck

in a rut. Even when I was in Japan, I

didn't really want to do anything, you

know, I just wanted to go on dates and

then I'd do the stuff with the date. So

we'd go to karaoke or game centers on

the date.

But I've always been like that. Never

really wanted to go and do anything

specifically.

Always just— if I had no company, I always

just wanted to stay at home and Mess about

with cameras, computers, games,

watch films, movies.

Now I feel like this— there's this

pressure that I should be wanting to do

stuff, and not wanting to do anything

makes you a boring person that no one

wants to be around.

Why did I quit World of Warcraft? Because

I got interested in Japan and girls. I

feel like wasting all this time in World

of Warcraft wasn't really helping me.

Yeah, I guess it was satisfying finishing

a shift at the petrol station,

treating myself with a nice big fat bacon

and egg McMuffin thingamajig,

stuffing myself, having a beer,

and then just going to sleep.

It was quite nice.

I did quite feel— I felt quite proud of

myself, especially when I was able to

handle the whole petrol station all by

myself. It's kind of— it was a weird

feeling when I had to do my first solo

night shift. They kept warning me about

it, saying, um,

saying stuff like What did they say?

It's not easy when you're alone because

sometimes you might have to do a solo

night shift. It was actually very easy.

I managed to finish all the jobs by myself

pretty easily. It's just kind of difficult

doing the jobs and then constantly getting

interrupted by customers,

especially cooking, because you had to be

in the kitchen cooking the stuff whilst

also keeping an eye on the shop to

make sure there's no, no customers in or

But it was— it felt nice that they trusted

me to be responsible over the shop the

whole night all by myself. It was a weird

feeling.

It was a good feeling.

It's just other things like getting

robbed, then having to take the blame,

and then getting told off all the time,

having to get on with co-workers. It got

to a point where it was so awkward between

me and the Nepal guy that we just stopped

talking completely. It was really awkward.

In the beginning, we were quite friendly

to each other and we would chitchat behind

the register when it was quiet, talk about

different things. And then we just kind of

fell out and it got to a point where we

would just stand there in silence,

just standing there. Not saying a single

word to each other. The boss

saw it and she said, I was watching you

and so-and-so on the CCTV and noticed you

two don't talk to each other. Is there a

problem? And I said to her,

no. Lying.

I think later on I told her I didn't

really like him because he was swearing at

I felt like I, I ran the shop, the petrol

station, perfectly fine on my own,

doing it my way.

So I kept feeling annoyed every time he

complained at me because I felt like I

knew what I was doing. It's not really a

big deal that I made a tiny mistake here

and there. The most annoying thing is when

I had to check the expiration date on some

products. Sometimes I would miss one,

and he would always find it and then like

hold it in front of me and go, Daniel, do

I need to retrain you again? I'm not the

only one who misses stuff. The Bangladesh

guy missed stuff all the time as well.

I would have 2 days off every week, and

then when I come back from my days off, I

would find expired stuff that hadn't been

checked. And it was probably the

Bangladesh guy not checking properly, but

who cares? You can find it

later, it's not a big deal.

I usually miss the bread. I had to check

all the bread loaves. Sometimes I'd miss

like one bread loaf— loaf of bread that

was out of date.

It's just really annoying.

You don't have to tell me I missed it

and then like rub it in my face.

I quite liked working at the petrol

station if it was by myself.

But then if trouble happened, then I would

have panicked on my own. Luckily nothing

went wrong when I was by myself, but when

the gypsies came or we got robbed or

someone shoplifted, it was nice having

backup with me.

Pretty stressful job. There were so many

things to remember as well. A lot of

different machines you had to learn how to

use. Lots of different things customers

would come and ask for.

It was very overwhelming in the beginning.

The lottery machine was very confusing. I

used to forget how to use the lottery

machine a lot. You had to enter the number

and some date thing and choose the right

type of lottery ticket, and then if they

won any money, you got to give them the

money. Then you write down on a different

form how much money they won and how much

money you took out to give them. And such

a pain, everything.

And then some people would get petrol but

not have enough money to pay for the

petrol, and then they had to write out a

form saying that they'll promise to pay it

and then write their address and this and

that on it. So many things you had to

remember to do.

People are so scatterbrained, they'd go

into a petrol station to buy petrol and

then they don't even have money on them.

So weird.

People say I overthink things when most

people severely underthink things and they

don't think— they don't plan things out.

Like when they go out, make sure you got

money in your pocket. Maybe would be a

start. I always check all my pockets

before I go out. Make sure I've got my

money. Make sure I've got my wallet and my

phone and my keys. I check my pockets

like 5 times before I head out.

Oh wow, I've been streaming for 1:11:11.

Oh, 1, 5 1s! Did you just see that?

It said 1:11:11.

I swear, every time I look at the time,

it says 1:11:11. I look at the streaming

time, it says 1:11:11. No, I'm not

thinking of Mina anymore. I'm back to

Chihiro now. Chihiro, my true

twin flame. Mado was the fake one,

a decoy sent by the universe to test me.

I saw at one point Chihiro's YouTube

channel had 1.11 subscribers.

I kind of gave up on Mila now.

She's not gonna message me again. It's

been 8 months, coming 9

months soon.

Time to give up.

Maybe I can trick the universe by

obsessing over a different woman so

the universe thinks I'm not desperate to

see one woman. Then they unexpectedly send

her back to me whilst I'm obsessing over a

different one. Maybe it'll work.

Okay, we gotta make dinner, I guess.

My new plans for dinner. Is pasta.

I made really good mushroom bacon pasta

yesterday and day before, and it was

delicious. Maybe pasta is the way to go.

Very easy to make, and you can bulk make

it very cheap as well.

I was supposed to buy meat, but I don't

have any meat today, so I'm making

vegetarian pasta.

My voice is going. I don't know why my

voice is so weak.

Pastorino. And then tomorrow I'll go

downstairs and get my Huel. I got 2 bags

of Huel Black extra protein.

I got vanilla flavor and strawberry and

cream flavor. Hopefully those are good. I

don't know if vanilla black taste

different to vanilla original, but that

roasted coffee caramel Huel Black was

disgusting. Oh my God, so bad.

The original Huel vanilla was really good

and so was the salted caramel, so I

thought salted caramel and coffee would be

really nice, but I don't know if they make

the flavor different for Huel Black, but

it was disgusting. It was like melted

plastic.

So hopefully vanilla black— Huel black

vanilla tastes okay.

Might get some sugar to make it sweet.

I want to buy milk.

I'm gonna buy some meat. I'm gonna buy

more pasta, pasta sauce. What else?

Oh, I got beer still.

I'm starving,

starving fusilli,

and I've got KitKat. Kidney beans, which

are 380—

what's 175 times 2?

153— 350

calories for the whole can of beans.

So yeah, better than It's

got protein and fiber.

And then I think in half a bag of pasta,

it's about 400 calories.

I don't think I'm going to eat the whole

thing though. So that's like 400 plus

350, that's 750. Plus I got

this sauce. Half the bottle is 100

calories, so it's probably 850. Then I

got celery. I don't know what that is,

probably not much. So maybe 900 calories.

I don't know if I'll eat the whole pot

though, it's quite a lot. Not much. Yeah,

I'm not eating enough and I don't have any

more food left now.

I feel like I'm getting skinnier.

Ah, messed up my life. What do I do?

The weird thing is I can't even say my

life's bad right now. It's just really,

really boring. I think

I'm having like oxytocin withdrawal

symptoms.

Maybe I'll get Wilson to sit with

me for dinner.

Wilson! Check my stocks.

Oh no, I bought 200

shares of Corsair Gaming at $26 and

now it is $25. 40 cents.

So I'm now down, I'm down about

£100 on my Corsair trade. Not a good

trade. Really annoying

because the whole NASDAQ had a massive

rally today and Corsair Gaming, the one

stock I decided to go nuts deep in

on, just went down and then died and then

didn't move again. I made a little profit

on DraftKings and Palantir. I sold it for

just £20.

I was really happy this morning because

the market crashed and I had opened a

short position right at the top where the

NASDAQ peaked at $15K. Couldn't believe