I Want to Know What Love Is

Hey, it's me again, Daniel,

back again with another exciting video.

Was that a good intro? Anyway, I have

something to confess to you. I don't think

I've actually ever experienced proper love

before. I don't think I've ever actually

been in love with a person apart from

myself before,

and I want to know how, how do I love

someone? I want to know what love is, and

I want you to show me. So as you may or

may not know, I currently have a

girlfriend. Okay, so maybe some people are

gonna start making a fuss because I keep

calling girls my girlfriends, so maybe

I'll just call her the girl that I'm

currently having cereal

with, and I'm hoping it will turn into a

proper relationship. So there's this

girl, and I quite like her, but the thing

is, I don't feel like I'm in love with

her. I don't feel like I love her in,

in a traditional sense. I feel attracted

to her physically, and I feel physically

close to her because we've had cereal

together several times and there's no

problems in that department. But I would

like to get closer to her on an emotional

level, and right now I just don't feel

like I'm, I'm connected to her on an

emotional level.

The fuck was that?

For example, if she were to message me

today and say, sorry Daniel, I don't think

things are working out, let's break up, I

wouldn't really feel sad. I wouldn't cry

about it. I wouldn't feel heartbroken. I

would feel slightly irritated and

surprised. I would be like, why? Why all

of a sudden have you changed your mind?

But I wouldn't cry about it. I don't

actually remember the last time I felt

heartbroken over breaking up with a

girlfriend. The only time, and the first

time it happened, was with my first

girlfriend, the online girlfriend which I

never met. And when she broke up with me,

I felt crushed. I felt devastated. I cried

so much. I cried for about 2 weeks.

Every night I would just cry myself to

sleep. I was in this complete state of

depression, and I think that was the

closest I've ever felt to being in love

with someone. And then feeling

heartbroken. Even though I never met her

in real life, I still felt like I was

really connected to her on an emotional

level. And even though I've had quite a

lot of girlfriends since then, I don't

really feel like I've ever been in love

with any of these girlfriends. I loved

and I enjoyed spending time with them. I

enjoyed their company. I enjoyed having

cereal with them. Someone behind me is

following me. There's always someone

walking behind me trying to creep up on

me. Let's go the other way. I guess I

just— I'm not quite sure what you're

supposed to do to create an emotional bond

with someone so you can feel like you're

in love with them, so you feel attached to

them. I know people say it takes time,

but I've been in relationships that have

lasted for months and I still wasn't able

to form that emotional connection with

them. That's why I found it so easy to

just ditch them and break up with them.

But recently, I don't feel like I'm

satisfied with just having cereal with

multiple girls without any emotional bond

or connection with them. Is it raining?

I want something more. I want something

that's not just entirely physical. I want

an emotional connection. I want to feel

love. What are you supposed to do to feel

love? Is there something wrong with me?

Am I incapable of feeling love?

What if I am? What if there is something

mentally wrong with me and I don't have

the capability of loving another person

like I love myself? I don't love myself

that much, but Honestly speaking, there's

no one else on this planet that I like as

much as I like myself. Is there

anything wrong with that? If someone is

unable or incapable of loving another

person, is it possible to train yourself

to love another person? Maybe if I just

faked it, if I just pretended— so

many weird noises tonight. Maybe if I just

pretended that I loved her for long

enough, then eventually I would actually

genuinely love her. I would love to

love her. I don't want to not love her. I

don't want to be in a loveless

relationship because from

my past experiences, just having a

relationship that's based solely on having

cereal with a girl, it isn't good enough.

It doesn't make the relationship strong.

It doesn't make for a lasting

relationship, and at the end of the day,

that's what I want. That's what I think I

want. That's what people keep telling me

that I should want.

I didn't see him there. That was awkward.

So tomorrow I'm going to see my

girlfriend, and then I'm going to stay

over her place for the night again for the

second time, and I'm a bit confused. I'm

not sure if I'm looking forward to seeing

her because I like her, or am I just

looking forward to having cereal with her?

I still don't feel like I'm 100%

comfortable around her. I still don't feel

very comfortable joking around or teasing

her or being silly around her. Which is a

little bit strange for me because usually

after I've had cereal with a girl, I don't

feel nervous around her anymore and I can

relax and be myself and I don't feel

so tense around her. But for some reason

with my current girlfriend, I still— I

still feel a bit— is that a car coming?

I still feel like I'm not 100% comfortable

around her and I feel a bit like there's a

wall that I'm putting up, and I don't feel

comfortable being myself around her yet.

Now that I think about it, I don't

actually know a huge amount about her. I

know the basics, like her age, her job,

her family members. I know that she got

divorced recently, a few months ago. Is

that a red flag? It's kind of soon, isn't

it? She only got divorced a few months ago

and she already wants a relationship. Am I

like the rebound guy? I asked her, why did

you get divorced? And she said her husband

had problems making it stand and he

also had loads of debt which he was

struggling to pay off, so she decided to

divorce him. What does that say about her

character? That when there's problems with

a relationship, for example debt, or can't

stand problems, she flees, she gets a

divorce. Maybe those aren't qualities that

are good that I should be looking for in a

partner. Maybe she's not actually

interested in a serious relationship with

me. Maybe she's just lonely and she just

wants someone to spend time with. I guess

I could be happy with that as well.

I'm not desperate. I'm not desperate to be

in a serious relationship either. I'm not

really sure what she wants. Maybe I should

ask her. I still feel like it's too soon

to be asking those kind of questions,

to be— I don't want

to be that That bloody crow keeps

interrupting me every time I try to speak.

Oh, Daniel's racist towards crows because

he complains when they make noises when

he's making a video. He's so stupid. What

was I saying? Um, yeah, it's still early

days. I've only met her for a few days. I

don't think that I should be rushing

things. I think the best thing to do right

now is to just enjoy her— not in

like a pervy way— enjoy her company, get

to know her, and see how things turn out.

Also, I want to thank the people who came

along for the livestream today. I'm going

to be doing livestreams maybe once or

twice a week, and I want to thank the

people who donated Super Chats to me.

And I lost connection with my pocket Wi-Fi

After I finished my, my dinner at Matsuya,

my beef bowl, and I couldn't get it to

reconnect to the pocket Wi-Fi until I went

back to the guest hotel. What I did was I

took out the SIM card from the pocket

Wi-Fi and I put it back in, and then it

started to work again. It was— it took me

a long time to figure out how to fix it.

I think we had about 100 viewers on

today's livestream. The highest it went

was about— it went to about 130 viewers,

which is a lot for me. Usually I only have

around 30 to 40 viewers during a

livestream. So we finally managed to,

to get over 100 viewers on one livestream,

which I'm really pleased about. Um,

if you want to know when I'm doing

livestreams, just If

you want to know when I'm going to do a

livestream, then just subscribe to my

channel and make sure you click on the

bell icon. And I'll also make an

announcement on the Discord server before

I start a livestream. Sometimes the video

quality gets really bad because my pocket

Wi-Fi is kind of slow, and sometimes I

just randomly lose connection and I might

not be able to reconnect, like what

happened today. So, um, yeah, my pocket

Wi-Fi isn't the greatest even though I

spent a lot of money on it, which is kind

of disappointing. I actually feel kind of

bad about making fun of the French guy.

If you don't know who the French guy is,

he's this guy that I thought was pretty

weird at the guest house because he was

always by himself. He was always mumbling

to himself in French, and he was never— I

never saw him talk to anyone. But today I

saw him talk to people. The Italian guy

and this other guy was playing Metal Slug

on the TV, and the French guy came in and

he sat next to the Italian guy and he

started talking about something, and they

were— they were watching Metal Slug

together, and I was watching the French

guy from behind, and I felt kind of proud.

Proud of him. I feel like, hey, you're not

so weird after all. You're actually

attempting to socialize with people,

unlike me, who's just being this weirdo

sitting in the corner of the living room

staring at his phone, not even trying to

talk to people. I've kind of just given up

now. I just don't feel like there's any

point in trying to socialize because

usually my— the whole point of The whole

reason why I want to socialize with people

is because I want to have cereal, and if

I'm already getting cereal, then I don't

really feel like there's a point in

socializing with people if I'm already

getting what I want elsewhere. I haven't

seen the Canadian guy for quite some time,

maybe a week now. The last time I saw him

was the birthday party. Since then,

I haven't seen him. I keep checking in the

living room to see if he's in there, but

he's never around. I'm a bit

worried if he's left, if he just left

without saying anything. Maybe he felt

like the guest house was really boring and

he went somewhere else. I'm sure he would

have said goodbye if he did move out.

We're kind of like friends, aren't we?

I don't know.

I'm such a fun guy,

everyone wants to be my friend.

I'm having so much fun all by myself.

I don't, I don't need anyone.