LEAVING TAIWAN FOREVER

I did it, guys. I bought my ticket home.

This is going to be my last day, my last

night in Taiwan. Going back home. I

finally managed to summon the courage to

buy the plane ticket. I don't really

know how to feel. I feel kind of sad, a

bit disappointed, a bit relieved at the

same time. I just feel so tired

emotionally, mentally. It's just been so

draining being here. I had to take

down the other video that I made a few

days ago, the super long one, because,

well, my friend saw it and she wasn't too

happy about it. So I set it to private. I

might set it back to public sometime later

when I'm out of this shithole.

You just don't know how hard it's been to

be here. It's been like some kind of

mental battle every day. So it's

so difficult to get along with people who

don't even speak the same language and

have a different culture. I just don't

know how to relate to them or what to talk

about. I could— we can communicate basic

stuff using Google Translator, but that's

about as far as it gets. And it just feels

so, feels so lonely. Like, there's no one

here to talk to. Even when I talk to my

friend, even on the rare occasions that

she comes to find me to talk, I don't know

what the hell to talk about. We have like

nothing in common. She doesn't know

anything about the things I like. I don't

know anything about the things she likes.

And then there's the whole language

barrier, which is so— can be very

frustrating sometimes.

I guess I should have left after the first

week because the first week was just so

good. We went to all these different

places. She gave me a lot of attention.

Yeah, I'm just an attention-seeking whore.

If you give me attention, I'll probably

love you forever, but the minute you start

ignoring me, then I just— oh, I just— I

hate you so much. Ah, so many people out

tonight. I guess I came out a bit too

early. There's something very strange

about this park. Look at this. There's a

guy up here Just sitting on his motorbike.

I think he's walking his dog. A lot of

people here walk their dogs while riding

their motorbikes. It's really strange.

Oh, it wasn't a motorbike, it was just a

guy on a bicycle. My bad, my bad. But

another bloody guy on a bicycle, they just

appear out of nowhere. So what was I

saying? Yeah, tonight's my last night in

Taiwan. I guess I should have left after

the first week. Instead of staying for

longer, then I would have just left and I

would have had all these great memories of

being here. But I stayed longer and it

was just really bad. It was just such a

shitty time. And now I have all these

negative experiences of being here, and

it's kind of like tarnished my opinion of

my experience of coming here. It's just

become like, oh, I don't want to come here

ever again because I have all these bad

memories. And I had a long chat with my

friend. I tried explaining like all my

feelings, but she just doesn't seem to get

it. She just says, well, if you're bored,

why don't you go out and do something by

yourself? My family invited you out, but

you refused. But that's not what I want.

I don't really care about going out or

sightseeing or seeing Taiwan. It would be

nice, but there isn't— that isn't really

what I really, really want. All I want is

some kind of social interaction,

to do stuff with my friend, but she's just

like— I don't know, she's very private.

Like, she wants her alone time a lot of

the time. So I was just thinking to

myself, what are the reasons for staying

here? You're not interested in me, you

don't have any feelings for me, and you

want to be alone all the time. Well,

what's the point in me being here? I might

as well just go home. So I couldn't think

of any reasons to stay, so that's why I

bought my ticket tonight. And then I

thought to myself, maybe I am being

unreasonable. I mean, most people don't

see their friends every day. Even I have a

few— I had a few friends back in Japan,

and I wouldn't really care that much if I

didn't see them for a few days. I wouldn't

start crying about it. But for some reason

here, it just feels different. I just feel

like she's all I have in this strange

country where I know nothing.

And my friend just— she can't relate to

me. She doesn't understand my feelings at

all. I asked her if she came to the UK,

would you just want to be on your own all

the time? And she said yes. So she

doesn't understand because she's the kind

of person who's quite happy to be alone,

whereas I'm not.

Bloody people everywhere playing Pokémon.

The Pokémon Go craze has kind of died

down. Don't really see many people playing

it now. Even I don't play anymore. It's

just so boring. Anyway, what was I talking

about? Um, yeah, I guess some people just

prefer to be alone. That's fine. I don't

really feel like that. I've been alone for

most of my life, not, not including

family. I mean, I know my family's always

there, but it's not the same, is it?

Like, your family can't really offer you

the same kind of— I

don't know, the same kind of— I don't know

how to explain this. When you're in a

relationship with someone, you feel like

you have someone in the world, right, to

share your life with. And I feel like

that's not the same as having your family

around. It's It's not the same kind of

love, is it? There's family love and

there's like lovers' love, true love.

And I guess that's what I'm searching for

right now, and it's definitely not here.

So goodbye, I'm out of here. Good

riddance. It's just been such a long

time since I've been home. I left the UK

back in March. I don't know if you've been

following my videos. Maybe you have,

maybe you haven't. But I went to Korea,

then I went to Japan, then just on a whim

I came to Taiwan. And then all this

happened. And today's the last night.

Here I am on my own again, walking up and

down this fucking park. I just

don't understand why you'd— Invite your

friend over to your house and then just

let them get on with themselves. Let them

do— just like not even talk

to them or go and see them. I just, I

couldn't do that. Like, imagine if I

invited you to my house and you've never

been to the UK before and I just shut

myself in my room the whole time and said,

oh, you're bored? Why don't you piss off

and go outside and do something then?

Whiny little shit. Okay, she didn't say

that, but that's what it feels like

sometimes. I just— I can't see her as a

friend. I'm just so physically attracted

to her, but I think it's just a physical

thing because I don't really find anything

attractive about her personality or her

things that she believes in, or like,

even when she does come see me, We barely

talk because there's nothing to talk about

that we can both relate to. We don't have

any common interests, so it's very

difficult. But I just feel so, so

physically attracted to her. I can't—

like, my— what is it? So that's

why it's just really hard for me to think

of her as just a friend, because I just

feel so attracted to her. Do you know what

I mean? But staying here is

just like— it's just like torturing myself

staying here. I just need to go home,

forget about it, forget about all of this,

go back to my good old solitary life.

Oh, there was something I wanted to talk

about. I don't know if I should make this

a different video. Have you ever heard of

the hedgehog's dilemma? It's a It's

a metaphor about— let me see if I can

remember this right. It's a metaphor about

the human— no, it's a metaphor about the

challenges of human intimacy. See,

hedgehogs, when it gets cold, like other

animals, they want to get close to each

other to share body heat, to share body

heat. But they're covered in spikes,

aren't they? So they get close to each

other, they're going to prick each other,

they're going to hurt each other, they're

going to get hurt themselves. So they have

to keep a certain distance apart from each

other to avoid getting hurt. And people

who have been hurt in past relationships,

they become like that. They, they stop

themselves from getting too close to

people, from getting emotionally invested

in people, so that they don't get hurt.

And I feel like I'm like that sometimes.

So I don't want to get close to you

because if I get myself emotionally

invested in you, then you might betray me,

you might disappear, you might, you might

do something that hurts me, and I don't

want to get hurt because it hurts.

But the problem with that is, yeah, you,

you prevent yourself from getting hurt,

but it's just so damn lonely. But you have

to decide which is more, more bearable—

the loneliness or the pain that you That

you might be inflicted by when you get—

words. I guess you just have to

risk it. I mean, if you don't risk getting

hurt, the only other choice is to be alone

forever, right? Am I being too much of

a downer? Sorry, didn't mean to be too

depressing, but it is kind of depressing.

It's my last night here. My last

night in this— I don't even know what this

country is. It's just like a rock in the

middle of the sea, isn't it? Isn't it? I

just feel like I need to stop traveling.

Traveling doesn't solve anything. You

think you go to a different country and

things might be different, but it's not

different. Your mental problems, they

follow you. It's like having a ball

chained to your leg that you can't You

can't cut it off. It just follows you

everywhere you go. I need to go home. I

need to start building foundations back

home. I need to start finding some kind

of— something that's fixed, you know?

Something that I can focus on, like a

career or a job, even if it's working at

McDonald's. Sick of going to

all these different countries and nothing

changes. So there's— it's always

temporary. The people I meet, they're not

permanent people in my life. They

disappear. I just feel like I need

to go back home. I need to start building

relationships back home. I need to start

building something. Like, if you don't

build something, then what are you doing?

Just Just doing nothing, wasting time,

wasting opportunities. To be honest,

I don't actually like traveling that much.

I find it very tiring. I'm not the kind of

person that's like, oh, I want to go here,

I want to go there, oh, this is so

exciting, I want to see everything in the

world. I don't really care, to be honest.

I can just go on Google, go on Google Maps

and have a look at it like that. So I'm

not really This isn't— travel isn't really

the reason why I'm traveling, if that

makes sense. I'm trying to find someone

that I could feel a connection with.

I guess it sounds kind of stupid to you.

I guess it is kind of stupid.

That's just what I feel like is important

to me.

Important. Something that I want, I really

want in my life.

Just needed to come out here, have a chat,

clear my thoughts, clear my head. It's

gonna be an emotional day tomorrow.

I downloaded all of the episodes of

Stranger Things, which is some kind of

drama. That my friend recommended to me,

and I heard a few things about it, so I

thought, why not check it out? Just gonna

binge-watch it on the aeroplane.

Hopefully it should make things— should

make time go a bit faster. And then we get

back to the UK, uh, 5 AM in the morning.

Kind of early. Hopefully my dad won't mind

picking me up. I'm not

sure if it's cold in England. Is it cold?

I think it's still summer, isn't it?

Uh, well, it's gonna be a lot— not— it's

not gonna be hot like it is here, isn't

it? It's not gonna be humid.

I wouldn't say I regret coming. I had a

lot of good times, especially the first

week. We did a lot of fun stuff, and I

just don't know how to explain it. Like

the time we went to the mountains and we

stayed in that random person's house It

felt so magical, like in the middle of the

mountains in some random guy's house with

this girl that I feel very attracted to.

It just felt like a magical moment.

I don't know how to explain it. It's just

like a feeling, like a memory, but

alongside the memory there's also like

this magical feeling. Sounds kind of

cheesy, doesn't it? But I think that

memories like that make all this trouble,

make all this heartache worth it in the

end. The end doesn't

really matter. I have a few ideas of

what I want to do when I get back home,

mainly YouTube ideas. Like, I have some

video ideas I want to do. I want to do

Japanese lesson videos, but they're not

going to be serious. They're going to be

like the last one, kind of like joking

around. And I want to do more gaming

videos because I like gaming, and I just

recently found this really good screen

recorder app for the smartphone, for

Android, and it's pretty good.

So I want to make more gaming videos,

Japanese lesson videos,

and yeah, the regular videos where I talk,

where I have like a mental breakdown in

front of the camera. But yeah,

thanks for, thanks for sticking around and

watching my videos. This has been my kind

of crazy experience, my crazy travel

experience. I guess I didn't really show

you that much about the country, or if

you're interested in visiting Taiwan,

these videos aren't really going to be

helpful because all I do is talk about my

problems. Well, I guess you could just

Google that stuff if you If you're really

interested.

Yeah, and then like next year we're gonna

look back on these videos and we're gonna

think to ourselves, remember that time

when we were in Taiwan going crazy over a

girl? It's gonna be fun. Looking forward

to 2017. See you then, I guess.

I guess I did learn a few things here. I

really learned how important it is to be

able to speak the same language with

someone. Language is so important.

You can't speak each other's language and

then it just becomes such a huge barrier

for communication, for getting to know

each other. I also learned that if

you, if you really have feelings for

someone, you shouldn't try to be their

friend because It's probably going to be

really tough. Like, you're going to end up

beating yourself up about it every day

because you just can't get what you want.

Also, I guess I'd also say don't go to a

different country just to meet some random

girl you met online. I've done this so

many times, it never works out,

guys. You can trust me, just listen to me,

it never works out. Even if you feel

like you have a great relationship online

and you love each other, you just wait

until you meet each other face to face.

It's just— it changes everything.

Everything changes. So yeah, this has been

Taiwan. This has been the park.

I quite enjoy doing these late-night vlogs

outside. It's kind of refreshing.

I guess I'm gonna head back now. I need to

pack my stuff, I need to have a shower.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna make a video

like going home, like a Casey Neistat

style video, like going on the plane.

Uh, I might just— yeah, so the next video

you see, it'll probably just be me back in

my house. In the UK after I've cried all

night trying to sleep. So yeah,

I guess I'll see you on the other side,

on the other side of the planet.

Bye guys, mean a lot to me.