I failed at life and want to give up...

So I feel kind of down because,

well, I went downstairs to have dinner and

then on the TV there was this movie. I

don't really know what the movie is

called, but it was like one of those happy

family American movies. It's got like a

blonde-haired American dad and a cute

wife, and then they have kids and they've

got a dog and a house, and he has a car,

he has a good job, and it just seems like

I'm, I'm never gonna be able to get any of

that stuff. It's just too difficult. I

don't— I can't even tie my shoelace.

So in the beginning of the movie, they

first have the kids and everything's like

a complete mess. Everything's chaotic and

the kids are screaming and the baby's

crying and the dog's chewing stuff up and

the wife's just nagging and being angry

and going crazy from all the stress,

and the guy's all stressed out too, and it

looks like a nightmare. And I thought to

myself, thank God that's not me. I don't

know why you'd want to work so hard and do

all this stuff and put so much effort into

life to be able to reach a point where

your life just looks like a complete mess

because you've got all these screaming

babies and dogs chewing everything up,

and your wife is angry and annoying all

the time. But then after that scene,

later on in the movie, the kids are a bit

older, everything's kind of calmer,

and they're all laughing and all happy,

and it's snowing. They're outside in the

snow playing and having fun, enjoying each

other's company as a family, and the dog's

running around, and it looks like such a

happy scene. And then it just made me

think, in order to get the happy parts

in life, like the really happy parts where

you're in love, you got your own family,

and you're like your own person in your

own house, not living with your parents.

In order to be able to get to that point,

you got to first go through all the

unhappy parts. It's like you can't expect

to be able to get the happy parts without

going through the unhappy parts. There's

like a down where everything looks chaotic

and rubbish, and I think to myself, I

don't want to be like that. That looks

horrible. But then it shoots straight up,

and then at the top is like what you see

when you see like a happy family and the

man's happy and the woman's hot and

they've got kids and pets, and you think,

oh, I'll never be able to get that. And

then you end up living just like in a flat

line. You don't really experience the

ultra downs apart from loneliness, but

then you never get to experience the ultra

highs, which It's kind of sad when I think

about it, and I know there's no point

moaning about it because that's not really

going to achieve anything. I'm just

feeling more and more fed up these days.

I feel like the goal of achieving these

things that I think might or,

or probably could make me happy, they just

seem to be getting more and more

impossible, and I'm starting to lose hope,

to be honest. I always felt like I was a

pretty hopeful guy Since the beginning of

my early 20s, I always felt optimistic

that one day I'll find a good partner.

One day I'll find a good way to make money

that I enjoy and I feel like I'm good at

it and people appreciate what I do. But I

haven't achieved any of those things. I

came close, I guess you could say, but

then I either lost it or I lost interest

or I just never really got very far.

The annoying thing is there's nothing

stopping me from at least trying

to achieve the, the happy picture that I

described in the beginning of the video.

There's nothing stopping me from trying to

learn to drive. There's nothing stopping

me from learning a skill and getting a job

or trying to find something I'm good at.

It's just I can't be bothered. It's so

difficult. I can't even be bothered to get

out of bed until like 2 PM or 1 PM only

because I desperately need to pee. I just—

it's just so much easier to just sit here

playing games all day and then doing some

livestreams. That's just so easy and

comfy. It's like you're in a barren

wasteland where everything's freezing cold

and covered in snow, and then you're in

this warm comfortable,

nice little hot spring, and the hot

spring's fine, I guess. There's nothing

really wrong with it, but it doesn't have

certain things that you want in life. And

then over there, a mile away or 2,

there's a better hot spring. It's got all

the stuff you want, but in order to get to

the better hot spring, you've got to get

out of the one you're in, and you're

naked, and then you've got to get out into

the cold, and you're freezing, and and

your feet get cut up, and then there's

dangerous bears and dangerous people and

mountains to climb, and you got to risk—

maybe even risk your life to even get to

this better hot spring. And I just feel

like— I

don't feel like I have the willpower or

the energy or the strength anymore

to try and get out of the hot spring I'm

in. I have left it a few times, I guess

you could say, like when I got married,

when I moved to Japan, when I flew to

Europe to meet girls. You know, I did

attempt to leave the hot spring, and then

it was like I got halfway and I got

to the base of a massive mountain that I

had to climb, and then I ended up looking

at the mountain and going, nope, don't

really want to try that. I think I'm going

to head back to my my old hot spring, and

I always end up coming back here because

it's just the easier option. And I know I

probably sound entitled, and I guess

you could say, well, why do you expect to

be able to have all these great things and

have ultimate happiness as a human being

when you're not willing to put in the work

and you're not willing to put in the

effort to achieve or accomplish those

things. Why should you just be handed it?

And yeah, I guess that's true. I can't

really argue against that.

It's just laziness. It's just

wishing I could have that stuff but not

wanting to put in the hard work to get it.

And I just don't feel like I have

it in me anymore to put in the hard work.

It's not like I haven't tried. I did try

get a job, and I tried learning to drive

when I was 19 or 18. Tried a lot of

things. Everything just seemed to fail or

blow up in my face.

I don't know if it's just because maybe

I'm depressed, or maybe because of the

lockdown stopping me from actually being

able to do what I wanted to do. I did have

plans. Things I wanted to do after I got

divorced and left Japan, and there were

things I wanted to do, but the lockdown

just put an end to any of the plans I had

planned. And then maybe it's just like

seeing all this other stuff. For some

reason, I feel like recently, um, people

are non-stop having babies. I've noticed

all these different YouTubers having

babies, and they all have to make a bloody

video announcing it, like, we're having a

baby! And then the two of them are in the

thumbnail and they look so happy. They've

got a little picture of the sonogram or

the ultrasound gram or whatever it's

called. All these people, why are they

having babies all of a sudden? It's like

they all had babies at the same time and

they all decided to make a video about

their new baby. It's just like rubbing it

in your face. And maybe that sounds like

not very nice, being all negative because

other people are happy, but it just makes

me feel like rubbish. Maybe that's why

people like watching my channel. Because

my life looks so rubbish and I seem like

such a hopeless person, it makes them feel

better about themselves. I bet the

worst nightmare for these people who hate

me and look down on me would be me

actually accomplishing happiness and

having a baby or family or finding the

perfect partner. That's why when I met

Mila and I felt so happy with her, the

people who hate me were so desperate to

ruin it, so desperate to break it up.

They put in so much effort and work into

trying to get us— trying to get her to

leave me. And yeah, they accomplished

that. Well done for them. But it just

proves my point. They are scared that

I would actually— I might actually achieve

some kind of happiness, or I might

actually get what I want. They're so

scared of that because they look down on

me And it's just like how I feel when I

see these other YouTubers like PDR-san or

Alfie Deyes, or I don't know who else who

have announced babies recently. And then

seeing these movies where it's like happy

American family, they've got 2 cars and

kids and a dog and the wife's hot and the

guy is like successful and charismatic and

he's got friends and people respect him.

I feel rubbish when I see stuff like that.

And I bet the people who hate me would

also feel rubbish if they saw me happy.

And then recently I kept thinking back to

my relationship with Mila and wondering

why, why I managed— how I managed to mess

it up 2 times. She gave me 2 chances. I

had 2 whole chances to make this work and

She was the best girlfriend I ever had,

and I still— I don't know if I still like

her. I guess I kind of miss her recently,

but it's kind of scary because even, even

though I finally met this girl that I was

really crazy about and everything

seemed like it could have worked, I ended

up messing that up as well. And I'm not

really sure why or how I could prevent

that from happening again. I just started

to get annoyed and irritated about really

dumb stuff. And now I think about it, the

stuff I was getting annoyed at seems so

stupid. So yeah, sometimes she would be

clumsy, but I didn't have to get so angry

and annoyed about it and like get snappy

or say all these mean things about her

after we broke up about How clumsy she

was, or the weird topics she would bring

up. I don't know, at the time when

I was in the relationship in Rotterdam,

all those little things seemed much bigger

and they were getting on my nerves. And

then now it's been like 5 months since the

relationship ended and I'm kind of

miserable being alone. I feel kind of

stupid that I probably self-sabotaged and

ruined the relationship myself by being

grumpy all the time. And I

feel like the reasons why I was so grumpy

were kind of dumb now. And I'm kind of

worried that I might meet another girl and

then it would be really great in the

beginning. And then some— for some reason,

maybe she has like an annoying habit,

like she clicks her tongue when she talks.

I don't know, some really stupid nitpicky

habit she has will end up getting on my

nerves, and then I'm going to get all

grumpy, and then she's going to end up

dumping me cuz I'm like a grumpy,

miserable, boring guy to be

dating. I think this is why a lot of

reasons— it's why a lot of the

relationships ended up fading for me, is

because I get moody and grumpy

and I end up not wanting to do anything.

I just want to stare at home and play

video games and watch YouTube. And then

the girlfriend gets fed up with me

because that's not what girls want to do.

They want to go out and have fun and have

a fulfilling life, not just sitting at

home all day playing video games. That's

just kind of what people do when they're

all depressed and they don't have any

drive in life. And I guess that's just

really unim— unappealing and unattractive,

and that's probably why I keep getting

dumped over and over again. Well, that's

just how I'm feeling right now. I feel

like if I could go back in time, maybe if

I wasn't such a grumpy, moody idiot,

I wouldn't have lost Mila, wouldn't have

lost my marriage, wouldn't have lost many

viewers. I guess I've lost a lot of

viewers because I got moody And I snapped

and I just had a go at them, told them to

fuck off or something. I just, I can't

control it. I don't know why. I like to

think that I can and I like to think I'm a

nice guy, but I can only control

it for so long and then eventually it all

builds up and I snap and it drives

people away. And I'm just going to end up

all alone for the rest of my life. Maybe

not for the rest of my life, maybe I'll

meet people, but then the same thing's

just going to happen again, isn't it?

There's no such thing as a perfect person.

There's not going to be anyone in the

world who doesn't do at least one thing

that could be kind of irritating. There's

no such person who's going to be exactly

like me. And even if I could clone myself,

I'd probably even get annoyed at myself

I'd probably smell,

and I don't think I'd even like myself,

to be honest. Because I want— I would like

to meet someone who's fun and nice and

positive and uplifting, not someone who's

all moody and grumpy and negative and

whining all the time. I wouldn't even want

to date myself, to be honest. So yeah, I

don't know how to overcome this

difficulty. It's very difficult.

Maybe I need some kind of medication.

Dunno, life's hard, isn't it?

I don't want my entire life to just be

like this. It's just boring. It's easy,

I guess, but my God, is it boring.