why i'm afraid of being alone [aDYP7_nEExo]

For pretty much all of my adult life,

I've either been in a relationship or I've

been trying to get into a relationship.

There's only been a few years during my

entire adult life where I was single, and

that wasn't because I chose to be single.

It was just because unfortunately I had

really bad luck trying to find a

girlfriend, and either I didn't really

feel very confident about myself, I didn't

feel very good about myself, and I was

feeling kind of down, and that kind of

made it hard to find a girlfriend when

you're self-defeatist. So apart from those

years, I've been in relationships pretty

much my entire adult life. I guess you

could call me a serial dater of some sort.

For some reason, I can't think of anything

more scary and terrifying than the idea of

being single and being alone and not being

in a relationship. And I don't know why

that is. I don't really know why I just

can't be happy alone and be happy whilst

being single. So I thought I'd make a

video today trying to explore that fear

and try to understand it. So it all kind

of began way back when I was a very young

child. This isn't a very recent thing,

just as I became an adult. I've had this

fear of being alone and fear of being

abandoned ever since I was very small. I

remember my first day at primary school,

my mum took me there and I literally

begged her not to leave me alone, and I

was like clinging onto her legs and

crying. And the teacher had to convince my

mum to eventually leave me because that

would be better for me in the long term if

she just let me be alone and got used to

the situation. So the teacher had to

convince my mum to just leave and let me

figure it out on my own. So that was

pretty terrifying and pretty traumatic.

For some reason, I still remember that

pretty clearly. And then this other time,

I remember I used to get invited to my

friend's birthday parties when I was a

kid, and I went to one of my friend's

birthday parties and we went into the

house and there were just tons of

screaming kids running around playing and

having fun and shouting and loads of

adults standing around. And there was this

big scary clown dressed up as a clown

trying to be funny. Blowing balloons and

doing silly things. And I remember

entering that room and just feeling

absolutely terrified. So instead of

leaving me to play with my friends at the

party by myself, my mum ended up having to

stay at the party because I just wouldn't

let go of her leg and I kept begging her

to stay. So she ended up staying at the

party with me the entire time. And instead

of playing with my friends and talking to

my friends at the party, I just sat next

to my mum the entire party hiding behind

her legs. So I've always been kind of

scared of being alone and being left

alone. Alone and being abandoned ever

since I was a very young child. And that

kind of morphed into something different

as I became an adult. I became scared of

being single and not being able to find a

girlfriend. I have this weird way of

thinking that I don't really think is

true, and I understand people are going to

disagree with it, and even I disagree with

it, but I can't help but feel this way. I

feel like if you can't get a girlfriend or

boyfriend and you're single, then you're

kind of like a loser. It means you can't

find a partner because no one finds you

appealing because there's something wrong

with you. And deep down in my mind, I

can't get rid of that feeling of if I'm

single, that means I'm a loser. If I'm in

a relationship, that means I'm not a loser

because I feel validated that I'm

appealing enough or attractive enough for

someone to want to be with me. And I know

that's kind of a silly way of thinking. I

know that just because you're single

doesn't mean you're a loser, and just

because you're in a relationship doesn't

mean You're not a loser. You can still be

a loser even if you're in a relationship

or you're married. And I also feel kind of

like when I'm single, my entire life and

existence feels a bit meaningless,

hollow, empty. I'm just existing, but I'm

not really existing for anyone else apart

from myself. I felt this way back in 2021

when I was stuck in Manchester because

Japan was locked down. I couldn't go to

Japan to find a girlfriend, so I had to

try and find a girlfriend in the UK, in

Manchester and Scotland, and I've never

had great luck trying to get girlfriends

in the UK, which is why I always end up

having to go to Japan or Asia. And I did

try really hard for about 6 months to try

and get a girlfriend. I went on a few

dates, but I just felt really bad about

myself. And because I felt bad, I felt

like my physical appearance was not good

and I felt really insecure and I didn't

have confidence about my image or my

looks. And I kept getting all these

pimples. And because I got pimples, it

made my confidence even worse and I felt

even more stressed out, which led to me

getting even more pimples, which made me

lose my confidence completely to the point

where I didn't even feel like going on

dates anymore because I just felt really

ugly and unattractive. And that just led

me down this spiral of depression because

I couldn't find a girlfriend. And because

that made me depressed, it made it even

harder to find a girlfriend because it's

really hard to find a girlfriend when you

don't feel great about yourself. So I had

to just give it a break and stop with the

whole dating thing, go back home, and

recuperate and rest up and try to feel

better about myself somehow. There's just

something about being in a relationship

that makes you feel like your life has a

bit more structure instead of just waking

up, making food for yourself, playing

video games, staying at home all day,

making food again, watching a bit of TV,

and then going to bed again. That feels

like a meaningless existence compared to

when you're in a relationship. You're not

just doing stuff for yourself, you're also

doing it for your partner, such as, for

example, things like cleaning the

apartment and making food. You're making

food for her as well. You're going

shopping together to buy food together,

maybe buy some furniture or new appliances

for the kitchen or the house together.

And it's just like everything you do,

you're doing it together for each other

instead of just for yourself. And I feel

like that makes me much happier than just

being alone and living a very

self-serving, selfish kind of life that I

don't really feel very happy with. I

remember when I was all alone in that

apartment in Manchester, it had only been

about a year since I got divorced, and I

kept comparing my new single life to

my old married life, and I kept thinking

it was just so much better when I was

married. I felt so much happier when I was

married compared to now. Okay, sure, when

I was married there was lots of arguments,

lots of fighting. I thought I felt unhappy

because the marriage was restricting me

from meeting other people and doing

anything I wanted to. But now I'm single,

or I was single, and I could do anything I

wanted to, had unlimited freedom. No one

was telling me how to live or who not to

meet or what not to do or what not to say.

I could do whatever I wanted to, and I

thought that would have made me happy.

But for some reason, the feeling of

ultimate freedom felt kind of meaningless

and kind of cheap compared to the feeling

of being in a relationship. And I realized

then that I had made a big mistake and

actually I didn't want to be single. I

wanted to be in some kind of committed

relationship. I really missed doing little

things like going shopping together,

buying food together, preparing a meal

together, even just having dinner together

every night and watching a movie or

watching something on TV was just

something I really used to look forward to

and something I really realized I missed

when I no longer had it. Also things like

buying new furniture or something new for

the apartment that we could use together.

Little things like that really started to

miss when I was single. People sometimes

wonder why I keep desperately trying to

get into relationships even though I'm not

really ready for a proper relationship.

I'm not mentally— maybe I'm not mentally

mature enough to be in a relationship.

I'm not financially ready for a

relationship because I'm broke. And I saw

this thing recently on Twitter. It said

something like, you shouldn't be trying to

get into a relationship if you don't make

at least $50,000 a year. And I thought,

that's just absolutely absurd because I've

never made $50,000 a year. Most I ever

made was like $30,000 a year maybe. But I

would never think, oh, I'm not making

enough money, I should just be single.

I'm not really thinking of getting into a

relationship with the end goal of creating

a family, which is probably why they say

you need to be financially ready.

Otherwise, what's the point of even

getting into a relationship if there's no

end goal of creating kids and creating a

family and buying a home? You're just kind

of like getting into a relationship to

make this temporary fix on your

unhappiness. It's kind of like just

putting a Band-Aid or plaster over a wound

instead of trying to figure out what's

causing the wound in the first place. But

I never really feel like, oh yeah, I'm in

this relationship because now I'm ready to

build a house and build a family. I mean,

I guess it would be nice to one day be

able to build a home and build a family,

but that's not really the reason why I

want to get into a relationship. I get

into a relationship because I don't feel

like I can survive without a relationship.

Being single is boring. I don't like being

single. You're just all alone. You're not

doing anything for anyone else. It's just

like a selfish existence, self-serving.

And I just feel bored not being able to

provide some kind of value to another

human being. Maybe it's not financial

value. I'm not like super rich and I can

buy them loads of stuff, but maybe I can

offer other things like I can give them

company. Physical intimacy. Someone— I can

also give them someone to do things

together. Some people say, what do you

bring to the table? As if I'm supposed to

bring loads of money and security and

property to be able to offer them as my

thing that I bring to the table. But I

don't bring any of that. I'm hoping that

the person that I'm in a relationship with

wants the same things that I want, which

would be intimacy, company, someone to do

stuff with, a travel partner, someone to

just share my life with. And if that's

what they also want, which is what I

expect that they would want, otherwise why

are they with me? Because they're not

going to be with me for my bags of money

because I don't have any. So obviously

what I bring to the table would be those

things that they would also want, because

I'm hoping that they want the same thing

that I want. So that's what I would bring

to the table. So I don't think I really

ever see myself ever accepting the life of

being someone who's single and alone and

being okay with that. I think no matter

what age I become, I'm always going to be

hoping that I'm in a relationship or

searching for a new one. I guess even when

I'm 60, there's going to be other

60-year-old women who also want a

relationship. So I don't think there's

such thing as you're too old to be dating

or trying to be in a relationship. Even my

mum, who's like 60+, managed to find a new

boyfriend after my dad passed away. So

it's not like you get too old for dating

because there's always going to be people

your age who are also single and hoping to

look for a partner. Maybe one day I'll

have like this really traumatic experience

in a relationship that would make me never

want to have a relationship ever again.

I've been kind of fortunate so far that

I've never had a relationship that was so

bad so traumatic, so destructive and

devastating that made me think, I never

want to date anyone ever again. I want to

be single forever because it's better.

I've never yet felt that way. Hopefully,

fingers crossed, I won't ever accidentally

get myself into a relationship with a

complete psycho who destroys my confidence

and everything about myself. I guess it's

not really healthy, mentally healthy, to

not be able to be happy or content with

just being alone and being single and

feeling like you need to get into a

relationship. Maybe that's not entirely

healthy, but it's not like we live on a

planet where there's no other people and I

have to be alone. I don't need to be

alone. There's millions and billions of

other single people who want the same

thing. So why suffer alone when you can

just find one of these millions and

billions of people who want the same thing

and then just get with them and make each

other happy? There could be a few things

that make you completely undateable. For

example, you get some kind of tragic

accident, you become paralyzed from the

neck down, your face melts off, you become

horrifically disfigured. That will just

make it so hard to find a relationship

because I'm pretty sure 90% of people

would not want to date you if you can't

even move a single part of your body and

they've got to look after you. So that'll

be pretty tough. But even Stephen Hawking

managed to find several girlfriends and

mistresses when he was married, and he's

completely paralyzed. Well, he was. He's

kind of dead now. So my point is, as long

as you don't become horrifically

disfigured and paralyzed and handicapped

and the entire race of humans doesn't get

wiped out apart from you and you're all

alone, then I don't think you really have

to worry about having to be alone and

trying to feel happy or trying to learn

how to be content and happy alone. You can

just go out there and find a relationship

because there's billions of people. So why

fix a problem that doesn't really need to

be fixed? And then some people argue that

you don't have to have a girlfriend or be

in a relationship to not feel alone in the

world. You can have a friendship circle,

a social network. You can have family,

relatives, coworkers in your life. You can

have loads of people in your life.

Doesn't have to be someone you're dating.

And that's true. But the level of intimacy

and company that I'm seeking can't really

be fulfilled by a friend. Definitely not a

family member and probably not coworkers.

The level of intimacy and companionship

that I'm searching for can only kind of be

fulfilled by a girlfriend. For example,

you can't really relax on the sofa

watching a movie with your arms around

your friend because that's kind of weird.

You can't really go shopping holding hands

with your friend, although I guess some

people might do, but then that's kind of

weird. And then you can't do the very

intimate touchy stuff that you do with a

girlfriend. You can't really do that with

a friend, although technically you can if

you're friends with benefits, but then

you're not really proper friends anymore.

I think if you're doing friends with

benefits with a friend, then they're not

really real friends anymore. It's not

really a friendship. It's not really a

relationship either. It's kind of like in

between a friendship and a relationship.

It's one step above a friendship but one

step below a relationship. And I wouldn't

really want friends with benefits because

that wouldn't really completely satisfy

me. The friends with benefits, it would

satisfy the physical aspect but not the

emotional aspects, because there's

probably not really going to be real

feelings and you're not committed to each

other. And then the friends with benefits

might have other friends with benefits,

and then it becomes like an open

relationship. And that's just kind of

weird, and I don't want an open

relationship because I don't want to share

my girlfriend with a bunch of other

people. That's just kind of weird and not

something I'd be comfortable with. So

basically, I need a committed relationship

to satisfy my needs. Even if I had

friends, I couldn't do half the stuff I

want to do to my friends that I would want

to do to a girlfriend. And especially if

the friend's a guy, that'd be kind of

weird because, you know, I'm not gay.

Maybe if I had like a load of female

friends like a whole group of female

friends, and then we just hang out and

hold hands. That would be weird as well.

So in conclusion, I think I've got a

pretty good understanding of exactly what

I want, what I need, and what I have to do

to get what I want and what I need. And

that's not friendship or having a social

network. It's having a normal,

traditional, monogamous relationship. I

think that's what's for me.