How I became a massive narcissist

One of the many insults people like to use

against me is the N-word. No, not that

N-word. The N-word I'm talking about ends

with a T.

I used

to get really annoyed when people would

call me a narcissist in the comment

section. They used to call me a narcissist

quite often, and I would strongly deny

that I am one. Because, you know, no one

really wants to be known as a narcissist,

and no one really wants to admit that they

are one. But I think I kind of stopped

caring, and I think everyone already

thinks I'm a narcissist anyway, no matter

what I say. So I might as well just come

out and admit it. And when you have an

entire YouTube channel with over 265

videos all about yourself, and you have no

problem streaming for 8 hours straight

constantly talking about yourself, I don't

really think that you have the right to

deny that you are a narcissist anymore.

So yes, I am very narcissistic. I do

love attention, and I do love talking

about myself, just like most people love

talking about themselves. You got me, you

win. Are you happy now? I've admitted that

I am a narcissist. Usually when someone

makes a YouTube channel, they pick a

subject to specialize in. Could be games,

could be tech, could be movies, could be

anime. I decided to specialize in myself.

So if you were looking for a YouTube

channel that teaches you all about Daniel

Lord, then you're in the right place.

Sometimes I do wish my channel was about

something else. You know, I see other

channels that specialize in things like

Halo or Lord of the Rings lore. Lord— I

nearly said Lord of the Lings roar. Or

Star Wars. But I don't really

know anything about anything well enough

to be able to make an entire channel about

it. And the only thing I know well enough

to be able to talk on and on about is

myself, experiences that I've had, people

that I've met, things I hate. If I had to

choose something that I know really well

apart from myself, then I guess that would

be Japanese since that's the only thing

that I've ever spent thousands of hours on

studying. I have spent thousands of hours

on Rainbow Six, but there's not really

much to teach you about Rainbow Six, and I

still kind of suck at it even though I

can't stop playing it. Well, I have

stopped playing it recently. That's why my

gaming laptop and setup has disappeared.

I'm going to sell it, and I'll tell you

all about that if I fail to make this

video 10 minutes. So you might be

wondering, why am I suddenly out of the

blue admitting to being something that

isn't really a very good thing? I guess

you could say I'm tired of lying to

myself. And I don't like it when people

say Daniel always blames other people and

he never owns up to his own faults and his

own mistakes. That's just wrong. I own up

to my own mistakes and faults all the

time, and this video is just going to be

proof adding to that fact. So I guess in

this video I just want to explain how I

became such a narcissistic fucker.

So if I had to pinpoint the reason why I

became so narcissistic and such an

attention seeker? Well, we'll have to go

all the way back to my childhood and have

a little rummage. As a child, I wasn't

exactly very popular. In fact, I was

probably the least popular kid in the

entire class— no, in the entire school. I

only had 2 friends: one friend in the same

year as me, and then one other friend who

was a year below me. But apart from those

2 people, I'm pretty sure everyone else at

the school didn't like me very much or

didn't even know that I existed. Now, it

wasn't always like this. When I was a very

young child, when I went to primary

school, I was actually fairly popular and

I had lots of friends and most of the

class liked me and thought I was funny.

But everything changed when I went to

secondary school and I kind of became a

weirdo. I was that kid who always sat at

the back of the class, always by himself.

I kind of felt like I was invisible. Like

no one even realized I was there. I felt

like no one acknowledged my existence.

When I wasn't at school, when I was at

home, I was always doing naughty things,

mischievous things, getting into trouble.

And I think the reason why I kept getting

myself into trouble was because I enjoyed

the intent— the attention that my parents

would give me if I was doing bad things.

And I would get scolded and told off, and

yeah, it was negative attention, but I

thought to myself, well, this is better

than absolutely no attention and being

completely ignored. And I guess this way

of thinking, this attitude, has stuck with

me since now. So even on YouTube,

you can see that, yeah, I am getting

attention on YouTube and I love it, but

I'm getting attention for the wrong

reasons. People don't like me, and I make

videos that, that provoke people and make

people angry. And I don't really mind

because even though it's negative

attention, it's still attention and it's

better than nothing. If I go all the way

back to when I first started making videos

and I truly think about why I wanted to

make videos in the first place, it wasn't

actually about money, even though nowadays

it is mostly about money. When I started,

I never really imagined that I would ever

make any money from my channel because I I

didn't think that I was interesting enough

to be able to get so many viewers. The

reason why I really was interested in

making videos in the first place was

because I was lonely. Didn't have any

close friends, didn't have a girlfriend,

didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to.

I felt invisible, and I didn't like

feeling invisible. I wanted to share my

life and myself and my opinions and my

experiences with other people, and I was

too scared to go out into the real world

and make real connections with real

people, so I thought, well, why don't I

just do it on YouTube? That way,

um, I don't actually have to go and meet

anyone, and no one would even see the

videos anyway because no one even knows or

cares who I am. So I started spilling my

guts out online in videos, and I didn't

really care because number one, I didn't

have any subscribers. No one knew who I

was. So even if I admitted to some

terrible, terrible thing, people wouldn't

even know because no one was watching my

videos. Number 2, I didn't really mind

because everyone on the internet are

basically strangers to me. I don't know

anyone on the internet personally. It was

kind of exhilarating, I guess. Kind of

like drinking a potion that makes you

invisible and then running around outside

naked. And you know, that's all good and

fun until the potion wears off

and you're stuck outside surrounded by

people and you're all exposed. And I

wanted that to be like a cool poetic

metaphor about my channel suddenly gaining

a lot of viewers, but it kind of sucks,

doesn't it? And instead of shrinking back

in fear and deleting all of my videos,

which is actually what I've noticed quite

a lot of other people doing, I've found

very small channels and then they've blown

up and all of a sudden the owner of the

channel decides to remove all of the

videos. I guess they were embarrassed or

something. Well, let's just say that in my

case, when money is involved, I can brush

the embarrassment aside fairly

effectively. I didn't really mind exposing

myself like that and embarrassing myself

on the internet if people were enjoying it

and I was benefiting from it. And I

actually realized that I quite liked the

attention. I enjoyed it. It was fulfilling

my social urges and it was satisfying my

social needs without actually

having to directly socialize with people,

which is something I don't like. Which

confuses me because I do feel lonely and I

do crave social interaction, but at the

same time I don't like interacting with

people. It doesn't make any sense. It's

kind of like, imagine you had this intense

craving for chocolate cake, but you don't

like the taste of chocolate cake, but you

really want to have it anyway. It's weird,

I don't get it. I'm sure there's some kind

of psychological term for that, but I just

don't know what it is. And as I got more

and more attention on YouTube, that just

fed into my narcissistic tendencies and

also inflated my ego until I

became what you see today. And I do feel

like I've changed a lot compared to 5

years ago. If you look back at my older

videos from 4 or 5 years ago, I seem like

a completely different person. I seem so

humble and down-to-earth and nice.

And now I look back at my videos that I've

recently been making— recently been

making— and I just seem really arrogant

and cocky. I really like talking about

myself and And I like making videos about

myself and talking about things that

happen to myself because I like it when

people watch it, because it makes me feel

like they care about me and I feel less

invisible in the world. I like doing

livestreams because I know everyone who's

watching is there by choice. They're not

being forced to watch. They're there

because they're interested in hearing what

I have to say, and that makes me feel

really good inside as a narcissist. I

don't like talking to people in real life

because I get scared that I might bore

them and they'll be stuck there listening

to me. And maybe they'll be too polite to

just walk away or say, sorry, I'm not

interested, and they'll just keep on

listening even though what I'm saying

isn't very interesting to them. But on the

internet, on YouTube and streams, if you

get fed up with what I'm saying, you can

just close down the video and I won't even

know. So I guess that's why I feel

comfortable talking on videos and on

streams. But I don't feel comfortable

talking to people in real life because I

get scared that I might not be very

interesting for them. So I think

that in conclusion, the reason why I

became such a massive narcissist is

because I found a way to get attention on

YouTube and I realized that it felt good,

and I kept on doing things to try and get

more attention so I can keep on feeling

good. I like telling people everything

about myself because I like the feeling of

having my existence acknowledged. Now, I

don't know if this is a good thing or if

it's something that should go away, or if

there's even a way to make it go away.

How would I benefit in life if I wasn't

such a massive narcissist? Who knows? I'm

not a psychologist, so I don't have the

answers to these questions. And if you're

still here watching until the end and you

would like to know why I'm selling my

gaming laptop, it's because I just got fed

up with Rainbow Six. I got a Switch Lite,

started playing The Witcher, finished

that, could not go back to Rainbow Six

because I just didn't feel interested in

playing it, and now I just play Mario Kart

all day. And I realized I don't actually

need a fancy expensive laptop, so I packed

it all away, reset it, and I'm gonna go to

the shop to try and get some money.

Something I've realized about addiction

Because I did feel pretty addicted to

Rainbow Six. If you want to get rid of one

addiction, just replace it with another

addiction. I usually feel

addicted to only one thing at a time,

which is good, I guess.