feeling sad and depressed in Japan [PDilw_IgQcI]

Hey, so I feel kind of depressed, a bit

in a shitty mood, so prepare yourself for

some depressing talk, depressing things

that I'm about to say. So,

um, I'm staying at this guesthouse that I

stayed at 7 years ago.

I know I've only been here for a few days,

but so far it's it's been pretty bad.

Great interrupts

my video.

You can't even hear what they're saying on

that megaphone. What's the point in using

it? It just sounds like bbbbbb.

I wonder if Japanese people can understand

what they're saying. Maybe they can.

It doesn't sound like anything. It just

sounds like a blur of words.

What was I saying? So yeah,

basically it's really shit here.

Why is it shit here? Well, I don't know.

There's just hardly any people.

I go to the living room in the evening and

there's maybe 4 or 5 people at most,

and they don't even talk. They just sit

there staring at their phones. I guess I

do the same, so I can't really complain,

but it just feels so different now

compared to 7 years ago when I came here

last time. Maybe it's because 7 years ago

most people didn't have smartphones. Now

that I think about it, 7 years ago people

weren't staring at their phones all the

time. They actually interacted

with people. It just feels so different

right now compared to 7 years ago.

Maybe it's because I'm looking through

rose-tinted goggles. You know,

everything you do for the first time,

it's always the best. If you do the same

thing again later, it always feels like

it's not as good as the first time.

Maybe that's because it's nostalgic.

The people here so far that I've met are

just so boring. I met this Italian

guy and this Taiwanese guy. I talked

to them for a bit, but on the second day

I didn't feel like I wanted to talk to

them anymore. It just wasn't interesting

talking to them. They're not interesting

people to me.

There's no groups here. For example,

7 years ago there was a group of people

who were traveling. There was a bunch

of Korean people, a group of Canadians,

some Americans, and they were actually

fun, interesting people. There was a small

group of Japanese people, but right now it

just feels like— well, most of the people

that I've seen here have been Japanese

guys, and I don't really want to sound

racist, but I have absolutely no interest

in Japanese guys. I find them to be

extremely boring. Dull. When I see a

Japanese guy, I think, oh God, not another

Japanese guy. I know it's kind of strange

to come to Japan and not be interested in

talking to Japanese people.

I really want there to be more people who

speak English. I find it really difficult

to become friends with non-English

speakers or non-native English speakers.

There's just a It feels like there's a

wall in between us that I can't break

down. If I talk to an American or Canadian

or British guy or Australian guy, I feel

like it's easier to relate to them because

we're speaking the same language natively.

I felt like this before. The third time I

came, I came to Japan, there were hardly

any Westerners. It was just Japanese

people, Taiwanese people, Vietnamese,

Thai, and I felt so isolated being the

only, only Western person here. It's

pretty stupid, isn't it? I live in a

country full of native English speakers,

and yet I come to Japan and then I start

whinging about there not being any Western

people or English native speakers.

It just feels completely different this

time.

The thing is, I had such a great time the

first time I came to Japan and stayed in a

guesthouse. Even the second time was

really fun. But the third time, the fourth

time, the fifth time, every time I come

back here It's more shit than the last

time. I feel more lonely than the last

time. Even if I come to a guesthouse and

I'm optimistic about meeting— even if

I'm optimistic about meeting people and

making friends, it always becomes boring

and shit, and I find myself being

uninterested in the people here. There's a

very specific type of person that I'm

interested in. And it's hard to explain.

If I meet 10 people, the chances are that

I'll find— I'll find 9 out of 10 of them

to be really boring and not interesting,

and then there'll be that one kind of

strange person that I feel attracted to.

Whether they're male or female, it doesn't

matter. They need to have that certain

personality. For example, that Japanese

guy I met last year. I really got on well

with him. I don't know why, but there's

something about him that I liked.

Maybe it's because he also seems kind of

depressed. You know, misery likes company.

I guess the saying is true. Really

positive, high-energy people turn

me off. I feel really— what's

the word— repelled by those kind of

people. I just don't understand how they

can be so happy and energetic all the

time. It's weird. No one's that happy.

You must be either faking it, or you're

really lucky, or you have some kind of

mental illness.

It just felt so much more active and

lively 7 years ago. There was a variety

of people from different backgrounds. I

can't stand it when it's majority Japanese

people. They're just— they're so dull,

and they form their own little Japanese

group bubble that's almost impossible to

get into, even if you can speak Japanese.

It doesn't matter if you can speak

Japanese. You're not Japanese, so it's

gonna be difficult to connect to Japanese

people because you don't share the same

experiences, you don't share the same

culture. I think that's one of the reasons

why a lot of foreigners come to Japan and

they feel so damn isolated and lonely.

It's weird.

I feel Western inside. I may look Asian,

but on the inside I'm not Asian at all.

I desire Western people. To talk to. I

don't really feel interested in talking to

Asian people unless they're girls and

they're cute and they're interested in me.

If people show interest in me, then I

instantly like them. If they come to me

and they start asking me questions and it

seems like they're actually interested in

who I am, what I'm doing, then I feel like

a switch has been flicked on inside of me

I feel— I feel happy. But most people

aren't like that. Most people won't just

come up to you and show— most people

won't just come up to you and show

interest in you for no reason. That's not

how it works. But it does happen

sometimes. I think that might be the

reason why I like that Japanese guy from

last year so much, because he actually

seems like he's interested in me. And I

enjoy talking to him because he seems

interested by my stories.

That's what I'm like. If people show an

interest in me, then I like them straight

away. But if I feel like they're not

interested in me, then they— it's like

they don't exist to me. I just completely

ignore them. I guess you could say

if you want people to be interested in

you, you have to show interest in them

first. The thing is, I don't find people

interesting. 9 out of 10 times, I,

I find people to be extremely boring.

I know that's a strange thing to say

because how can you tell if someone's

interesting or not unless you actually try

talking to them? I guess I have this gut

feeling on whether I find someone

interesting or not.

I don't know. I know it's early days,

it's only day 3, but already I feel kind

of depressed, really lonely, and I keep

comparing it to 7 years ago. Well, 7 years

ago this happened, that happened, there

were these kind of people here. This time,

shit. This time there's no sense of

community. People just keep to themselves.

I mean, where's the American people?

Where's the English people? I know this is

Japan, but why are there so many bloody

Japanese people in here? I thought it was

supposed to be like a 50/50 ratio

of foreigners and Japanese people.

The problem with Japanese people is

they're not really interested in

socializing. They come home from work or

school and They have their meal and then

they go to their rooms. They don't hang

around. The difference with foreigners is

they're here on holiday or they're here to

study, so they don't just go straight to

their rooms. They sit around in the living

room, they talk to people, they're fun.

That's what it was like the first time in

Japan, the second time in Japan. The

third, fourth, maybe even fifth time was

just shit. There's no other

way to explain it. It was just shit and

boring. And I don't know why I keep coming

back to the guesthouse, to these

guesthouses. Maybe it's because I keep

expecting it to be like the first time or

the second time, but it never is. I'm 7

years older now. The first time I came to

Japan, everything was new. Everything was

exciting. I didn't know anything.

Now I kind of feel like I'm a veteran of

Japan. Nothing excites me anymore.

Nothing's interesting. It just feels like,

oh, this is Japan. I've been here 7 times.

I know how everything works. I know what

to do. Nothing's interesting.

Maybe I should go to a new country, but

I'm not interested in going to any other

countries. No countries interest me. Why

would I choose to go to another country

instead of going to Japan? Can't think of

any reason. It feels kind of strange to be

back on this rooftop. I had a few

emotional moments here. I made out with

that Korean girl up here. The one that got

away. We had an evening stroll and

then we decided to come up— we decided to

come up to the rooftop to see the moon.

And we were leaning up against this chain

fence, which you can't really see, and I

was behind her, and I decided to kiss her.

And then we started to kiss, and for some

reason we ended up lying on the floor.

And I think if I kept going, we would have

nearly had sex. We might have had sex,

but for some reason I stopped, and we got

up, and she said she was going to her

room. And that was it. That was the last

time we ever did anything. And then the

second time I came to this rooftop was

when my Korean ex-girlfriend left to go

back to Korea. And I sent her back— I went

with her back to the furry place and I

said goodbye. And I came back to the

guesthouse by myself and I came up to this

rooftop and then I just started crying.

I cried so much, like a baby.

I was so depressed and sad because

I was in this guesthouse for 5 months.

For the first month, I was completely by

myself, and then the Korean girl came,

and then for a few months, 3 months, we

were in a relationship, and for the first

time I felt not alone. And then she had to

go back to Korea, and I was back to being

alone again for the last month. And I

felt— I felt dead inside. I stopped going

down to the living room. I stayed in my

room the whole time.

It was horrible.

It's kind of strange to be back up here.

There's not really much to see. It's just

This whole place is just apartments. It's

a residential area.

I don't know why I find it more difficult.

I feel like I'm a better person than I was

7 years ago. I feel like I look

better. I wear better-looking clothing.

I don't have a strange hairstyle.

My skin's better. I don't have pimples as

much as before. I feel more confident as a

person. I have a pretty cool-sounding job.

I mean, translator sounds pretty cool,

right?

But yet I don't find

it any easier to connect with people. I

find it harder, more difficult.

Maybe it's because I just realized that

I'm not interested in people. Honestly

speaking, I'm not interested in people. I

don't care about making friends. The only

reason why I'd want to make friends is if

it would lead to sex somehow. The only

reason that— the only thing that motivates

me to meet people in the first place is

because it might lead to sex.

If I knew that there was a 100% chance

that it wouldn't lead to sex, lead to sex,

then I wouldn't even talk to them.

I don't really find socializing to be

enjoyable. I'd rather sit by myself,

watch YouTube, play games. But watching

YouTube and playing games do not lead to

sex, so unfortunately I have to force

myself to socialize and pretend to be

interested in people. But the thing is,

when I realize that it's not going to lead

to sex, then I just lose interest in

talking to those people completely,

100%. These are my

true feelings, my true thoughts. I don't

care if it sounds stupid or immature to

you. This is how I feel. This is who I

am. If you don't like that kind of

personality, which I wouldn't be surprised

if you didn't like it. Most people

wouldn't like it. Most people aren't like

me. Most people aren't only driven by

sex. I know that. I'm not stupid. I know

I'm weird, but this is what I'm like.

What can I do about it?

I don't know.

I just feel kind of— I feel kind of

depressed today.

When I'm at home in England, I feel like

I'm expecting too much. I have all these—

what's the word— fantasies about going

to Japan, staying at a guesthouse, making

amazing friends, meeting cute girls,

having lots of sex, but it never turns out

like that. That only happened the first

time and the second time. The third,

fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh time, it

didn't happen.

People don't usually keep coming back to

guesthouses. It's a place where you try

living for a short while when you're young

just to experience it, and then you move

on. You get your own place, you get a

better job, you start a relationship with

someone, you start living with them. The

only types of people who live in

guesthouses for a long period of time are

losers. Divorced men who have nowhere

else to go.

It's pretty strange for someone to, to

keep coming back to guesthouses. I feel

like everyone's moving forwards with their

lives, like everyone has a plan, like

everyone knows what they want to do or

what they have to do, and I'm just going

round in circles. I'm not really moving

forwards. I'm repeating the same thing

over and over again. So I can try and

relive past memories that were

enjoyable.

But even if I retrace my steps and I try

and do the same things that I did 7 years

ago or back then, it's never as fun as it

was the first time. I can never

successfully recreate those enjoyable

memories. It's always Nowhere

near as fun or enjoyable as the first time

or the second time.

But I don't know what else to do. What

should I do to move forwards?

People always say the same thing: you

should study something, you should get a

career, you should learn a skill so you

can start a career in something. Will that

make me happy? Will that make things

better? Let's say I went out and

I learnt how to become a plumber, and then

I got a job plumbing. Okay, now I'm a

plumber. Now what?

So I'll earn a bit more money. Will girls

be interested in me because I'm a plumber?

Would I be happy being a plumber? No, of

course I won't. If I knew what kind of job

I would be happy doing, then I would be

going for that already, wouldn't I?

The thing is, there isn't really a job

that I really want to do. I don't want to

do anything. Yeah, I'm lazy. I don't want

to work. Big surprise. Pretty sure most

people don't want to work. The thing is,

I don't have to work right now.

And I'm lucky that way because most

people, they have to work. They don't have

a choice. They get kicked out. They don't

have kind parents. They have to support

themselves, but I don't have that

pressure. And maybe that's a bad thing.

Sounds great, doesn't it? Oh, he doesn't

have to work. He's so lucky. He just gets

to piss around in Japan and then sit at

his house. Sit, sit in his parents' house

all day playing games. Sounds great, but

it's a shit way of living. It's

unfulfilling.

But I think that's better than having to

be stuck with being forced to do a job

that you hate or being forced to work with

people that you hate. So that sounds more

depressing to me. I've had a lot of jobs

in the past. I've tried a lot of things.

Office, cleaning, kitchen, cooking,

customer service, retail. I've done a lot

of things and I hated all of them. They

didn't make me feel any happier. Just

because I earned more money didn't make me

feel happier. Just because I had a job

didn't make me feel any happier. I just

felt stressed out. That's the only

difference it made. Who's actually

happy though? I walk around in Japan, I go

to the train station, I see these

exhausted salarymen, people finishing

their workday, going home

at 8 PM in the evening. Do they look

happy? No, they look like they want to

die. They look like they're dead inside.

Who's more happy, me or that person,

or those salarymen? Who knows?

It feels like you have to make a choice.

If you want freedom, then you're gonna be

poor and you're not gonna have a good

career and people won't respect you, but

you have freedom. If you have a good job

and a career, then people will respect

you, you earn better money, you can get a

nice girlfriend, but what do you sacrifice

for that? You sacrifice your time, your

freedom. You have to put up with a lot of

things that you wouldn't want to put up

with. Maybe that's what being a grown-up

is about. And if that's the case, then I

don't want to be a grown-up. I take

freedom over being respected or having

a fancy girlfriend or having lots of

money. I'd rather be that homeless guy

lying in the park. Than some stressed-out

office worker who wants to kill himself

after working a long shift day

in, day out.

Life is difficult, isn't it?

It's pretty simple if you think about it.

All you have to do is get food and water,

have a place to live, and have sex. And

what else do you need? But it's not really

that simple. And it's not easy to get

those basic things unless you're rich or

have nice parents like me.

What am I talking about?

I don't actually remember what I've been

talking about. I just had a whole can of

whiskey highball. It was pretty good.

70%— no, 7% alcohol.

Now it's about 9 PM. I need to piss really

badly. I'm gonna go to my room,

masturbate, watch some Japanese porn, and

then fall asleep, hopefully. Then rinse

and repeat day after day, day after day,

until October. Then I can meet my

wonderful girlfriend. Hopefully she's

wonderful. I'm pretty sure she will be.

But I still have my doubts and worries

about that as well.

We'll have to see. It'll be interesting.

I'm looking forward to it. I want to meet

her soon, and I hope she does too. You do,

do you?

I hope you do.