[2021-03-23] My thoughts on getting Divorced [iwlReFPqOMs]

So it's been over a year now since I got

divorced, and I've had a lot of time to

think about it and process it. And after

a while, I think I've come to the

conclusion that I kind of regret getting

divorced. I don't think it was a great

decision, and these feelings of regret

have become pretty strong recently. In

these last few months, they've become

stronger and stronger. Maybe that's just

because I recently came out of a pretty

disastrous relationship, and I'm starting

to feel like it's It's impossible to find

a good relationship using my YouTube

channel. I've kind of realized that I have

viewers on YouTube who have pretty much

nothing in common with me. I could list

you— I could give you a list of all of my

interests, all of the things I like, and

I'm pretty sure most people listening to

this right now will have absolutely no

interest in any of those things. I bet

most people listening to this are

thinking, Daniel, what even are your

interests? And no, I don't feel like

explaining to you what my interests are

right now. If you don't know what my

interests and hobbies are after all of

these years of listening to me, then I

don't really feel like I should have to

explain myself. And surprise, surprise,

most of the girls who message me from my

channel also have very, very little in

common with me and usually have

personality types that I don't really

like. So I've kind of noticed a pattern

with the type of girls who message me from

my channel, and the type of girls who are

interested in meeting me or being in a

relationship with me kind of have a

stereotypical template, like they're kind

of the same type of people, and I don't

really want to be in a relationship with

that kind of personality type. As you may

know, my YouTube content is kind of weird,

and the type of people it attracts are

also kind of weird and unstable.

And I know I'm also kind of an unstable

person, and I don't think that 2 unstable

people coming together and forming a

relationship is the best idea in the

world. And now that I look back at my

marriage and I remember my relationship,

it just makes me think, wow, that

relationship was actually pretty damn

good. It ticked off pretty much every

single box that I have on my little

checklist of boxes that I want from a

relationship or from a partner. Basically

everything that I would want from a

girlfriend now would be all of the things

that I already had back when I was

married. For example, I would want her to

have her own place and I would want her to

be financially independent and I would

want her to have a job and not be in the

house all day every day because I get kind

of stressed out when I don't have much

alone time. And I would also want her to

not want me to meet her family or not have

many male members in her family because I

don't really like guys. And also I'd like

her not to be a spiritual person or, you

know, one of those weirdos who believes in

UFOs and aliens and voodoo conspiracy

stuff. Also, she has to be okay with the

kind of person I am and the kind of stuff

I do to make money on the internet. So

basically I have to find a new person

who's almost exactly the same as my

ex-wife was. And I'm starting to realize

that the chances of the exact same thing

happening and being able to find the exact

type of person again are pretty slim. So

now that I'm 32, I've started to notice a

few things have changed with my

personality. Number one, I'm starting to

find people more and more irritating, and

I'm starting to feel annoyed with people a

lot faster and a lot easier than I used

to. Kind of feels like the younger the

girl is, the more annoying she is. And I

cannot describe a more irritating person

than Mila was when I was with her. I don't

know if it was because of her age or

because of her personality type, but she

was just so annoying. I could not believe

it. And if you're telling me that all of

the other girls who are still interested

in me from my channel are also going to be

annoying in the same way or in a similar

way, I think I'd rather just be single for

the rest of my life. The second thing I've

also noticed as I've gotten a bit older is

that my man drive has kind of slowed down,

and I've kind of realized that smashing

every single bowl of cereal in the shop is

not really something that should be

prioritized. I've also finally realized

that using Discord as a way of getting

social interaction and using it as a

substitute for friends is not a good idea

either, because most people on Discord—

well, most people who would join my

Discord are mostly irritating trolls. And

now I feel like I'm being crushed by this

pressure of trying to achieve this

impossible goal of trying to find someone

who's pretty much exactly the same as the

person I was with a few years ago, but

this time with a new person and with

completely different variables. It's kind

of like hoping that lightning strikes

twice in the same place. Is kind of

frustrating to finally realize that I had

everything that I really wanted and then I

just kind of threw it away over some

stupid reasons. And now I'm wondering,

what should I do when the lockdown's over

and when the world goes back to normal?

What, what do I do? I don't really feel

like there's a decent chance of finding

the right person using my YouTube channel,

so that leaves me with my only choice.

The only option would be to go back to

Tinder and dating websites, which I just I

cannot be bothered doing the whole dating

thing again. I feel like I've gotten

really lazy and searching for someone new

is just such a hassle. And you might be

thinking, if you hate people so much and

you find people so annoying, why don't you

just stay alone? Why don't you just stay

single? Why do you need a partner so badly

if you just don't really like people in

the first place? And that's a good

question. I don't really know the answer

to that. I guess it's because even though

I do feel annoyed by most people, I still

feel lonely and I still long for

companionship. It's just finding the right

person is really tricky. It's just kind of

weird because when I was living in Japan,

I felt kind of depressed and sad about

being in Japan, and the idea of growing

old and not really being home in England

very much and not being able to be back

home very much, that, that really upset

me. And now that I am home, um, it's not

really as great as I imagined it. It just

doesn't really feel like it's my home

because it's not. It's my mum's house,

and I don't really feel like I have any

control or authority over what happens

inside of the, inside of the house. Apart

from my own bedroom, I guess. But there's

a very different dynamic between living

with your mum and your family and living

with your partner or wife. Even though the

apartment back in Japan was really tiny,

I just felt more satisfaction as a male

adult having my own place with my own

partner. It just felt like I had more

control over my own world, even though it

was much smaller than my current world. I

just don't really feel like I'm a properly

functioning male adult in this world.

I feel like there's only really 3 options.

Either I just stay at home for the rest of

my life and I give up on the idea of

trying to find someone, which is kind of a

sad and depressing outcome. Or I could

go to London and get my own place in

London, which also seems kind of gloomy.

And after my experience living in

Rotterdam, I don't really have much love

for European cities. They just seem kind

of dangerous and very, very expensive. So

the 3rd option would be to go back to

Japan and do what I always did. But then

even if I went back to Japan, I can just

imagine myself just sitting in some kind

of apartment all day long playing Rainbow

Six and whining about how lonely I am,

and then being too lazy to do the whole

dating stuff again and going back on

Tinder. The problem is, because of

YouTube, I became extremely lazy. If you

thought I was lazy before, then I've just

become 10 times more lazy. When I went to

Japan back in 2017, that was almost 4

years ago now. I was about 28. I'm now 32,

and the amount of energy I had back when I

was 28 was just completely different to

the amount of energy I have now and the

amount of effort I'm willing to put in

now. And you really just have to put in a

lot of effort to get into a relationship.

It doesn't just magically happen. And when

I think back to 2017 when I went to Japan,

the amount of effort I put into my

relationship-seeking activities just kind

of amazes me actually. I went to a guest

house, I met all these people, I

socialized, I put effort into meeting

people and socializing, and I was on

Tinder and I was on all these different

websites, and I tried my best to take good

photos, I made a nice dating profile, I

tried my best not to sound like a creep,

and I just, I really put in a lot of

effort that I don't know if I can

replicate again 4 years later because I've

had a lot of experiences since then. A lot

of dating experiences. I met a lot of

different girls. I had a lot of negative

experiences which have made me bitter and

jaded. Also, my social anxiety has gotten

a lot worse since then. I don't know if I

could push myself to go and live in a

guest house again. All those people, all

those strangers. That awkwardness, being

put into awkward social situations like

that again. I just, I don't know if I'm

capable of doing it again. I got kind of

lazy after experiencing married life. I

feel like I was a completely different

person 4 years ago when I was living in

that guest house. I went to parties, I

went on dates, I went socializing with the

people who lived there. We went to

different places together. It was like I

was this social animal back then. And then

after I got married, I just kind of

stopped meeting people in the same way,

and I just stayed at home all day every

day. I guess my point is, even if I went

back to Japan, I just feel like I've

changed as a person, and not in a good

way. I've actually gotten worse in many

aspects, and I just don't feel confident

that I'll be able to replicate what

happened in 2017, which led me to

finding a pretty stable relationship,

which is basically what I yearn for.