Hiding in my room is live

Holy shit, you guys are still fucking

there. That's fucking crazy.

I can't, I can't believe you fucking guys

are still here.

Damn, guys, I fucking missed you guys.

I've got so much to tell you.

I got so much fucking shit to tell you.

My channel is still monetized.

Oh man,

oh man.

Like, I mean, I don't even know where to

Oh, thanks, Alice. First donor since

November.

Been through

the toughest stuff in my entire life.

So as you can see, I'm back at my mum's

house. I left Devon because there

was, there was no point staying in Devon,

shelling out thousands of pounds every

month when I need to focus on paying my

mom back. Really,

I'm just— I'm so fucking lonely right now.

I said to myself I was never going to come

back to YouTube. I said I was never going

to come back to YouTube, but I

can't, you know. I, I have— I've got no

one. I got no one to talk to.

I got no one to talk to.

You know, I've, I've been— you know what

I've been doing for the last 3 fucking

months? I've been endlessly talking to

AI. I've been endlessly talking to Grok.

And it's just reached this point where I

need, I need to talk to actual people,

not fucking AI.

Like, I literally sit in my car talking to

Grok all day about my problems and stuff.

You look sad. Yeah, I've had a rough day.

Today has probably been the worst day in

my entire life or year.

But unfortunately, I still can't talk

about stuff. Not until next

month, at least.

I don't— I chucked all my YouTube gear in

the bin. The mic, the stand,

Sorry, I've just got my phone.

I'm, I'm just— I'm so happy you guys are

still here. I feel so stupid that—

I mean, like, the only people who accepted

me and liked me were you guys, and I threw

you in the bin.

I fucking love you guys so much.

You know, I thought, I thought I delete

YouTube and I move on from all that and I

try and make a new life. And you know,

I made progress doing that.

But as it always happens, it never works

out. I always end up back at my mum's

house, lonely as fuck.

But yeah, I mean, I've been fine. I just—

I got a normal job and I've just been

doing my job. I moved

out of Devon in June.

Am I gaming? No, I don't game anymore.

You know, I thought about getting a PS5,

but I can't be bothered to game. Just

feels like such a waste of time. Oh wow,

thanks Nicholas,

very generous. I don't know, I thought

people were telling me that my YouTube

channel would get demonetized if I'd

stopped uploading for 6 months, but are

there ads on this stream? I mean, I'm not,

I'm not doing this for money. Like, I

don't need the money from YouTube anymore.

I'm doing this because I want to do it,

because it soothes a part of me and

I need it.

Update on the debt: I owe my mum £22,700.

So I moved back in so I could focus on

paying off my mum.

The bad connection, uh, I'm using my,

my, my data. Maybe I'll turn on Wi-Fi.

Wait,

is it streaming? It seems to have gotten

worse when I turned Wi-Fi on. I turned

Wi-Fi off now.

So anyway, I was saying, yeah, I've given

up on day trading. It's impossible to make

money. I still have about £1,000 in actual

stocks. But they're down like 50%. I just,

I have, um, Bitmine. I still got Bitmine

since last year.

Yeah, it's way better when I turn Wi-Fi

off. So I'd have no credit card or

overdraft debt, um, but I owe my mum like

£22,000. Oh wow,

thanks, Mage Lace.

I've kind of given up on the whole stock

stuff. I'm just like, I'm waiting for

crypto to go up so I can get out of

Bitmine and just be done with it.

Do I have any friends at my new job?

No, not really. I don't really talk to

anyone.

So I mean, there's still things I can't

talk about. I don't really want to talk

about my job. It's just, you know, boring

minimum wage job, but the irony is it

pays more than YouTube.

What month did I leave last year?

What, YouTube? Well, I decided to quit

YouTube in November last year, but I can't

do it anymore. There's also

literally no point of quitting YouTube

anymore because, um, I kind of went viral

on TikTok because other people started

uploading my stuff. So it's like,

just because I quit YouTube doesn't mean

people are going to stop seeing my stuff.

My old stuff keeps circulating.

A bunch of TikTokers started reacting to

my 10-year-old content.

I think the best thing I can do really is

just try to stop saying stupid stuff that

makes me look like a, like a weirdo.

Be more careful with what I say.

What pisses me off is someone, someone

made a Daniel Lord channel on TikTok

and started reposting old clips, and he's

probably making money off it. Some of them

have like 200K views on it.

How did you rack up 22K? Well, I,

I got my mum's debt down to 17K. But then

she let me borrow $5K so I could finance a

Tesla. I got a Tesla Model Y, and then she

gave me a couple thousand to, uh, pay off

my overdraft and credit card. Um, but I've

paid her back about $2,000 since I moved

back in. I reckon it will take like 10

months to pay it back fully.

Yeah, I heard, I heard TikTok pays really

rubbish. Like, you can get millions of

views on it and it would just pay like $50

or something. Something. And even like

TikTokers with millions of followers

barely have any community. Like a TikToker

with millions of followers, um, could post

a rubbish video and only get like 20K

views, and most of the views come from the

algorithm or the feed promoting them.

Like they don't really build an audience

in the same way you build it on YouTube.

So it's just, I think TikTok's Fucking

stupid.

Will I return to streaming? Yeah,

yeah, why not?

I've got nothing to do in the evening.

What I was doing was I was walking around

in the garden for hours talking to Grok.

That was how I spent my evenings. I work

all day, I come home at like 6 PM, I have

dinner, and then I go out in the garden

and I talk to Grok. But it's just not

fulfilling me anymore. I, I want, I want

like real people back,

and I miss streaming. Like, I really, I

used to enjoy it. But then I overdid

it with Kick and I burned myself out. So

I'm not going to burn myself out. I'm just

going to do it for fun when I feel like

doing it, not to force myself to do it

because I don't, I don't need it for money

like I used to. So like the pressure of

like trying to do it for money is gone.

So now it's just for the enjoyment, I

guess. Oh well, thanks Nicholas.

Japan being overrun by gaijin, you need it

right now more than ever. Well, because

I've lost my online income, I can't really

live overseas anymore. That's the downside

of it. How much do I make a month now?

I make like £3,000 a month.

But I, I mean, I don't mind the job. But I

don't have passion for it, you know.

Isn't Slightly Homeless still banned on

Kick? I checked his channel and he's like

desperately trying to stream on YouTube

now. Apparently I saw Sam Pepper is

back on Kick too, so I guess he got

unbanned, which is crazy because I think

what Sam Pepper did was way worse than

what Slightly Homeless did.

3K on minimum wage seems a lot. Yeah,

because I work basically every day.

Well, wow, thanks, Blady. Your old Japan

videos used to be some of my favorite

stuff. Yeah, they were great times having

a wife, living in Japan.

What a way to spend your 20s, huh?

Yeah, and like, I'm not gonna go into

details about certain things because I

don't want to get in trouble or anything.

I heard from Chihiro. She messaged my mum.

She asked how I was doing. Chihiro is a,

is a tour guide now. Um, I checked her

Instagram. She's just like constantly

traveling. She seems to travel a lot with

her mum as well, but she's like a Japanese

tour guide that takes probably old

Japanese people around to foreign

countries.

But yeah, she seems to be doing good for

herself.

No, this is not a new channel, it's the

same channel.

Am I gonna watch The Odyssey? Is that the

thing with Tom Holland?

No, I'm not in the mood to watch anything.

What about the girlfriend you were with?

Yeah, we broke up.

We broke up months ago.

I was hoping she might come back, but I've

given up now. I've given up.

Why? Why the breakup?

I don't really want to talk about it,

guys.

Oh, hey TV. I'm sorry

I abused you so much on Kick.

What made you decide to stream again if

you don't need the money? Because I'm

fucking lonely. I'm so fucking

lonely.

Oh, hey, Mommy. I'm so sorry I, I abused

you as well. I'm so fucking sorry I abused

So sorry. I just— I completely

lost it doing Kick.

No, I didn't delete the account. I set it

to private and then I set it back to

private. I mean, I set it back to public.

Is this real empathy? Yeah, it's real.

I acted like a fucking dickhead on Kick.

I got pissed off at everyone. I got

triggered over every little thing.

It's just, I don't know what happened.

It's like the stress of paying rent and

bills and trying to survive off of Kick

alone I

just, I think when

YouTube or streaming becomes your job and

like your only source of income, the fun

of it gets sucked out. And it

just is like when your hobby becomes a

job, you start hating it, don't you?

What is this Q&A thing?

Favorite plant?

Lifestyle creep, did I learn my lesson?

I learned a lot of things recently this

Have you got a new phone? Yeah, I got the

OnePlus 15.

It's really good phone.

I still don't have my iPhone Air back, by

I really wish I didn't delete my

Instagram. I had 6,000 followers on

it. I don't know if I can get it back.

Yeah, my pimples are pretty bad at the

But I've been working out.

Look,

been working out recently.

Got myself some Huel.

Yeah, maybe I will make a new Instagram

I've been working on my triceps as well.

Been doing tricep exercises.

Why did I delete Instagram? I deleted

everything. Oh, Skidmark!

Damn, I remember talking to you back

when I was depressed about Mila.

It's so nice you guys are still around.

I thought I'd go live and I have like 10

viewers.

Fucking Dave Gibson leaks my video. Did

you see the subreddit of the fly tipping

thing? I sent that to my mum and then she

sent it to Dave Gibson and then for some

reason he uploaded it to YouTube then

quickly deleted it and then they were

like, oh, it doesn't have your face in it.

Yeah, but you can see my arm and my hand

so people are gonna know it's me. I was so

I hate chicken feet.

We just need Blood Bucket back and Andy

Olson. Who else

was that? Christopher.

Where were all the girls at? Moon, Crypt.

Crypt kind of came back. Apparently she

had lymph disease or something.

Isn't it scary people can recognize you

only by seeing your hand? Well, I have

very distinctive hands, like skinny and

long fingers. Oh, Leila,

I remember you. Yeah, Vlogfield,

Hunterlicious, the old gang. Are we all

back?

Where's, uh, Duma?

Um, I actually met Pia recently.

Uh, we just went to the arcade and

then walked around for a bit.

Yeah, I remember you, Catigan. Oh wow,

thanks, Vlogfield. I missed you guys

too. You know, I thought I'd try and put

YouTube behind me and have a normal life,

and it worked out for a bit until it

didn't. Oh, Go Herping!

I haven't seen your videos in ages.

Yeah, I remember you, Sneed.

Why vaping? Because it feels relaxing.

Why do I have pimples? Because I've been

so— I've been so fucking stressed

and miserable recently, and today was like

a breaking point. Today was just

like that's that stage in the breaking

point where I just— I couldn't I couldn't

hold out any longer,

and I needed you guys back. You guys are

like my only emotional support.

No, I haven't been fighting with my mom.

Things are good between us now. I mean,

I'm barely in the house because I'm at

work pretty much all day.

Yeah, the internet support group.

Hey, Real Life Doomer, I'm really sorry I

lashed out at you so much during the end

days. I'm so sorry to everyone

that I lashed out at. I was just

in such a dark place.

Got any new stories?

I got so many fucking stories.

Oh, thanks, Bald Lesbian. Would I

do new Yap videos? No, I don't think I'm

gonna make videos because they're always

just so inauthentic and it's just so

obvious. Me trying to get views, and

there's like no feeling of like you make

the video and then you get the comments.

It's not the same as a stream.

Am I working this weekend? I work every

single day, 7 days a week. I work like 60

hours a week.

I don't, I don't have the ability to make

authentic videos anymore. It's always just

me trying to clickbait. It's a waste of

7 days a week, that's hell. Yeah, but I

got so much— I owe my mom so much money,

and I've got a Tesla now, so that, that's

quite expensive as well every month. The

Tesla is so fucking good.

It's It's so much better than the

Peugeot and the Citroën I had. It's so

fast, it's like 0 to 60 in 5

seconds. The software is incredible,

the cameras are so useful.

Um, I traded in the Citroën to get the

Tesla, so the Tesla dealership paid

off my Citroën And then created a new

finance plan for me with the Tesla.

Yeah, I've got a Model Y Standard Range.

It is the best car I've ever driven. It's

so comfortable as well, like it's really

big and it's so minimal inside. It just

feels really relaxing.

So it's £280 a month and

I owe about £18,000 on it.

£18,000 in payments plus the £6K balloon

payment at the end,

plus I got £6,000 income tax bill next

January. So I've got to fucking

grind.

Give life update. Well,

I left Devon. I'm single again.

Um, I got a

Tesla.

That's about it, really.

Well, yeah, I owe my mum 22K. I owe Tes—

the Tesla 24K. I owe income

tax 6K. It's so funny, I came back from

Thailand in 2024 thinking I've got to come

back to pay off my debt. I'm now in more

debt than I've ever been in my life.

You look like hell. These last few

months have been the most

stressful,

torturous months in my entire life.

Do you remember when I was all depressed

about Mila? It's like 10x that.

I've never felt more miserable in my

entire fucking life.

You cried alone at night? I cry every

fucking day. I cry every day.

I have nightmares every day. I don't even

listen to music in my car. I just sit

there in silence, or I talk to AI in my

Why am I so miserable?

Because I met this girl.

And I think I actually fucking loved her.

I never felt this way about anyone else.

And then I lost her, and then it

feels like I'm never going to find that

And I'm just like spiraling every day,

and I don't know how to fix the fucking

problem. And I'm seeing a therapist,

but it's not really useful, to be honest.

It's like the therapist just tells me

stuff I know, or they just validate me and

they say, oh, it's okay, you're like that,

it's understandable with your upbringing.

And you know there's people out there who

would accept it, it will— big

fucking deal. Because when one person you

want to be with doesn't accept it, then

what's the fucking point?

I, I've, I've had a lot of relationships

And I've walked away from pretty much all

of them, so I've never really felt like—

I've never known what it's felt like to

lose something that you, you actually

don't want to lose. Like, all the

other relationships, they ended and I

didn't give a shit, but this one fucking

hurts. Fucking hurts so fucking much.

Mira broke up with you on Boxing Day?

Well, yeah, but I was already mentally

checked out months before she actually

broke up with me. I was miserable and

rocked down. There was no spark or

anything by the time she broke up with me.

Do you remember how happy and relieved I

was? When she did break up with me and

I came back here, I was so happy.

The furniture in Devon, um, brought it— me

and my mum went back to Devon to help me

move out, and then we got a moving van.

Now the furniture's like dispersed in the

house. Sofas in the conservatory, some

bits in the garage.

I've got some stuff like my board.

Can't be that bad, you'll get over.

Yeah, I know from experience that's how it

always is, but whilst

you're Whilst you're like still

emotionally attached, it feels like that's

never gonna happen. But then it happens,

you know, and then you meet someone new

and then you're like, Jesus, what the fuck

was I so depressed about?

Oh, thanks, Solemn Jockey. Will I ever

have kids when you find the one?

I can't even— I can't even— I

can't even get a girlfriend to stay with

me for more than a year who I actually

want to be with. How am I— I

can't even get them to stay for a year.

How am I going to have kids? To be honest,

I don't care about having kids.

It's not important to me,

but I would like to have someone like a

partner to do fun things with and share

life with, enjoy each other's company.

That's what I want.

Go to Vietnam? Why?

I went there 2 years ago. It was rubbish.

So many motorbikes everywhere.

I feel like I'm just gonna die alone, you

know. I'm gonna— at some point I'm gonna

be 60, and I don't know how many more

girlfriends I'm gonna have had until then

and that have left me. And by the time I'm

60, I was hoping I'd find like my life

partner,

but it's probably— I'm probably gonna end

up like my granddad. Completely alone,

I'll probably just get a dog or something.

I'll probably just get a dog and a love

doll.

You might not even make it to 60.

Who cares?

I've only, I've only got like 10 years of

looking good. If you call this good

looking, like from 47,

it's over.

Oh, thanks, Two Prize. Cambodia or

Vietnam?

Vietnam. I've never been to Cambodia, but

it looks, um,

like not my cup of tea.

Why 47? Um,

I don't think I'm gonna look great at 47.

A lot of men look age, but that's only

because they get a beard and they look

more manly. But I'm not gonna look like

My face is just gonna get fatter and

rounder, I guess, and less defined, and I

won't have a beard to be able to hide it.

Yeah, I mean, people still say I look like

25, 27. My mum's 68,

people still say she's like looking 50 or

something.

Actually, I have less white hairs now than

during the last time when I was streaming,

for some reason.

Am I afraid of getting old? I'm afraid of

dying alone. You know,

I'm afraid of getting old and

not having a single meaningful connection

with anyone. I've met

so many people in my life, I don't talk to

any of them. There's not like a single

person that I can say, yeah, I've got this

deep meaningful connection with, apart

from my mum and sister.

What makes you think you descend into the

same patterns again, getting angry at

viewers? Because I'm not gonna like burn

myself out doing this. I'm not doing it 10

hours a day. I'm not gonna do it every

day. I'm gonna do it when I feel like it,

when I've actually got stuff that I want

to talk about. I'm not like desperately

doing it for money. When you remove all

those things, it takes all the pressure

off of doing it. Have you done anything to

improve your mental health? I tried

doing therapy.

Um,

I thought quitting YouTube would improve

my mental health.

And it, it did at first,

but then that feeling of being completely

isolated and alone came back very

strongly recently.

Like, I feel, I feel so much pain.

I just, I caved today and I I went live.

I've had 2 different therapists. The first

one was a bit rubbish because she just,

she just kept validating everything I said

instead of like offering advice or

challenging me. The second one's been a

bit better, like trying to help me

understand things like empathy and

how to be caring towards others.

AI validates everything. Well, AI,

whenever it keeps pushing back against

what I say, I just— I say, shut up, go

back to supportive mode. And then it goes,

Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed

back so much.

But sometimes it's fun talking to it to

come up with theories and predictions,

or just running ideas with it to see what

it thinks of the idea.

How are you, sweaty? Oh, sweetie. I

thought you said sweaty because I was

kicking my football. I'm not good, guys.

Like, I'm at rock bottom.

Like, I don't, I don't know how I can

recover. I know I got to get out there and

meet new people and stuff, but I just— I

don't know how. Join a club,

get a hobby. That's what the therapist

Get a hobby doing what? I don't have any

interests. No, I'm not

coming back to Discord.

That was too unhealthy.

I don't know, like, I don't know where my

life's gonna go from here.

Dating apps,

it's just so boring.

I'm too weird for dating apps. I let my

weird leak out and then 90%

of girls run a mile. Or if

the girl's too normal, I just feel really

bored with them.

You're gonna burn out working 7 days a

week. Well, I've been working 7 days a

week since November. It's the only thing

that's keeping me sane. If I don't work,

what am I gonna do? Sit in my house all

day doing nothing, being depressed.

My horoscope signs, Pisces with Aries

cusp. Like, I'm just on the cusp of Aries,

so I'm Pisces but with Aries traits.

Apparently it's Mercury retrograde now,

which is making everyone feel shit, if you

believe in that stuff.

Is that why you quit YouTube? I quit

YouTube because I thought I could live a

healthy, normal life, and I did that for

about 9 months, and it was good whilst it

was good, and then it

all just burned up despite my best

efforts. It was just burned up.

Like, if, if I had a relationship,

I feel quite happy not having YouTube.

Because I feel like I'm not lonely.

But then when I'm, when I'm single again,

like, the loneliness is crushing.

And, um, everyone else has their own

lives. Like, my mum and my sister, they

got their own lives. They got their own

friends and stuff.

YouTube is the only thing that ever made

me feel like,

like I had something of my own,

like my own community,

people to talk to who cared. Because you

guys are all here voluntarily. It's not

like you owe me anything or you're

obligated to listen. Like my family are.

So in that way, it feels more meaningful,

even though, like, I don't know you guys

personally.

You left us, you traitor. Yeah, well.

I was happier with how my life was, but

then it reverted back to being like this

again, I guess.

Well, yeah, I mean, if I had a girlfriend

and I was and I was happy,

then I wouldn't be here. The, the only

reason I'm here is because I'm unhappy and

I'm miserable. If I was living this

fulfilling life where I had

stability and like a loving relationship

that I could rely on, I wouldn't be here.

I'm only

here because I'm a human being and

I have emotions and

I have needs. And if those needs aren't

being fulfilled in real life, then this

is all I have left.

Basically, um, I need something to kill

the time in the evening because my old

routine is just not doing it anymore for

me,

and the silence is deafening.

Yeah, I know everyone says stuff like,

oh, you should be able to be happy on your

own, but the high you get from

being in a relationship is

un-fucking-beatable.

There's nothing in life that comes close.

To the feeling of having this one person

who loves you and cares about you and

is interested in you and like asks about

your day and wants to see you and

thinks the world of you. Nothing comes

close to that.

And then it disappears one day.

And then you have this massive empty void,

and it's the worst feeling in the world.

Like, the feeling of emptiness is just so

Going from that feeling of joy and bliss

from being in a relationship to being

alone again, it's so hard.

Start with making friends. I had this

friend in Devon, his name was Keith.

He was such a nice guy,

but it still pales in comparison to a

romantic relationship.

I feel sad because I never even had a

chance to say goodbye to Keith, and I just

disappeared.

He was like the most friendliest person

I've ever met.

No, Cripps never came. Thank God,

dodged a bullet there. She seems insane.

No, I don't have Keith's contact info.

You seem passionate about relationships.

Yeah, like, I want, I want to be a good

partner, and I want to be a good

boyfriend, and I want to make the person I

care about happy. I truly do.

Like, I do everything in my power to

make them happy because that makes me

happy. Like, some people say don't believe

in happy wife, happy life. But it makes me

feel good. Could have had that with

Faster. Yeah, but I didn't have feelings

for Faster. Like, I wasn't in love with

Faster.

No girl wants to be with an ex-lolcow.

Yeah, that's what hurts.

It hurts to be judged purely on some old

clips from 10 years ago or something.

Because yeah, I said a lot of dumb stuff

that didn't make any sense, or I worded

things really badly, but it's

not who I am today.

What happened? Spill the beans.

Basically, I fell in love and

then I got dumped,

and I tried— I've really tried hard to,

to get it back,

but I couldn't. In the end.

Why did she dump you? Same reason I

always get dumped for, like not being

caring enough.

No.

Not choosing the right words at the right

time, not being able to translate

the feelings in my heart into the right

words. Like, I have,

I have the feelings, but they don't come

out my mouth in the proper way.

Or, I don't know how to help people with

difficult situations.

I don't know the right thing to say.

It doesn't mean I I don't have empathy

or I don't care. It just means I don't

know how to express it properly like

normal people do. Normal— it's like

everyone knows how to express it,

everyone knows how to do this thing, and I

don't know how to do it properly, and it

hurts people.

And I've been talking to the therapist

about it, and then she's like, don't ask

them questions,

just say I'm so sorry that

you're going through this and it must be

so painful, and sit with the pain.

But I always— I end up overthinking it.

And I don't do that, and then I just say

something blunt or cold sounding. I don't

know how to sit with someone's pain.

I don't know how to comfort them.

Well, I know how, but then there's like

this mental block that prevents me from

doing it.

Yeah, I can do hugs and gifts, that's

easy. But when it's purely

just over text, that's when it's hard. I

always have these problems over text. In

person, I don't think this is a massive

problem because I'm present.

And I can use like the tone of my voice or

being there physically. But when it's

purely over text, that's when I always

have difficulties.

Tell them what you're telling us now.

Well, I tried, but it's like if someone

keeps accidentally punching you in the

face and you keep saying, oh, sorry, it

was an accident, didn't mean to do it, at

the end of the day They still got punched

in the face and it hurts, even if you

didn't mean to do it.

Have you tried manifesting your ex back?

I did a candle ritual,

I did meditation, I watched

tarot stuff,

um, I watched videos where girls like give

you the energy to manifest I

did the O method.

Maybe I haven't tried like spells.

Maybe I'll try casting a spell.

Apparently you can pay witches to cast a

You'll stream here only? Can I delete

Kick? Yeah, I'm done with Kick.

I built my community here. This is where

all you guys are. If I go on Kick, I get

like 10 viewers.

How much debt do I have? I owe my mum

£22,700. I should be

able to pay it back in about 9 to 10

months. And then what do I do after I've

become debt-free?

Focus on paying off the Tesla.

Plan for the future? Yeah, I'm gonna try

and— not every night,

but like when I'm really feeling heavy,

I'll probably stream.

What happened to your videos? It's all set

to private.

Try different hobbies.

I'm 37. I've tried almost everything.

Art, fish tanks, gaming.

What else is there?

Fishing? Boring.

I thought about getting into Warhammer

again. Like, it might be quite therapeutic

to do some painting miniatures.

I thought about getting into like Japanese

bento boxes and trying to make myself

I can't game anymore. It's just so boring.

I've got 30 years left of life. I don't

know what the fuck I'm gonna do with it.

All I wanted was a girl I actually loved.

Go on trips, road trip, build a life

together. It is so hard

to find a girl that you actually like.

It's like, it's, it, you know,

this is what I don't get. Like, it's so

rare and hard to find someone you actually

genuinely like. Like the personality

and the way they look and the way you feel

around them, like everything clicks well.

Like, if I find that, if, if I find that,

I would fight tooth and fucking nail to

not lose it, to keep it. Even if there's

problems, I'll try and fix the problems.

So the fact that they don't feel the same

must mean that I didn't mean that much to

them in the same way they meant to me.

It's like so hard to actually build a

proper connection where you actually

genuinely like the other person.

But it's like women

can easily just say, no thanks, not for

me, and move on and break it off.

So then the most logical explanation is

that they just didn't feel that strongly

about you like I did about them.

Because I, like, I don't see what they

could do to make me want

to break it off. I would fucking fight for

it and work hard to make it work

if it was that important to me.

But I guess like the obvious explanation

is they just weren't into me that much.

That's, um, I mean, that's the source

of the confusion and the pain.

Hard to believe you have so much trouble.

You're a handsome guy. Thanks.

But unfortunately with girls, like, they

want something deeper than just the looks.

Even if they're into your looks at first,

at some point, like, the emotional

disconnect is enough for them to want to

break it off. And my problem is

that I— even if I feel strongly

emotionally about them, they don't

feel it. Like, they don't, they don't feel

how strongly I like them because

I, I don't know how to translate my

feelings into words. Um,

sufficiently.

Oh, thanks, Navi.

Are my biceps bigger now?

Yeah, I mean, I've been told before that,

um, I, I realize you do care,

but you show care in a different way than

normal people.

The thing is that it's all about how they

feel at the end of the day. But how they

feel is more important than what is

actually real. Like, I could keep saying

to the end of the days, like, I really

care about you, really love you, but if

they don't feel it, then what you actually

feel is meaningless.

Which Warhammer army would I have

collected? I used to be really into it

when I was a teenager. I had Imperial

Guard, a Chaos army, an Ork

army, and then my favorite one was my Tau

army. I had, I had the mech suits,

I had the railgun Hammerhead tank. I

really liked Tau, like the aesthetic.

Really, it's what I vibe with. I even had,

um, fantasy Warhammer. I think I had— I

actually don't remember. I had the Lord of

the Rings tabletop game as well. I had the

You just need to wait until you find the

person who understands. Yeah, but it's so

painful. Like, you think you found the one

and it's going really well, and then you

like say one thing, you say one thing

wrong, and it fucks up the whole

relationship. And no amount of

apologizing or explaining fixes it.

It's like you can do 99% of everything

right, but then the 1% of things you do

wrong nukes it.

That's what my, um, experience has been.

Why are you talking in code? Because I

don't want to go back to my old, old ways

where I trash people. Like,

I want to be respectful.

Like, I'm back on YouTube. Okay, I caved.

But I'm not going to go back to my old

ways of like spiraling and ranting.

Move on. No point overthinking about it.

Yeah, but I'm scared I'm going to find

someone new who I really genuinely like

again, and then I'm just going to screw it

up again. The same way.

I haven't seen you in 5 years. How's it

going? Uh, it's going really shit.

I thought there was like a glimmer of hope

for a bit in the last few weeks. Like, I

really thought there was a glimmer of

hope, but then today, um,

sealed the coffin.

No, I'm not day trading anymore.

You just— you can't make money off it. I

made some money with my funded account. I

had like 1 or 2 weeks where I did really

well and I actually got a payout. I got

like $100 payout. And then I blew it. I

lost like $600 in a day and blew

the account. I spent like £600 on

FundedNext funded accounts, blew 3 of

them. You get all emotional

and then you start revenge trading and

then just lose everything.

And I can't afford to not go to work to

day trade. It's just I've

had to finally accept that I just can't

make money doing stocks.

And also it's just really boring. The only

excitement is from like this dopamine,

which is basically just gambling. It's not

interesting, it's not fun, it's stressful.

It's just a stupid green and red line

going up and down. I don't care about it.

If I was rich, I wouldn't do it.

I don't have passion for it

and I don't enjoy it, so What's the point?

My monthly expenses, it's like £400

or £500 now. I moved back in with my mum,

so I just give all my money to my mum

every week. Every week I just send my mum

everything I have.

No, I'm not renting the house. I moved out

of Devon a couple months ago.

The Devon house was just making me so

miserable. I actually moved out of the

first Devon house and I got a new house in

Devon. It was really nice. It was a

3-bedroom detached in the middle of the

countryside. And yeah, I was happy

there for a bit, and then I got dumped and

I was all alone in this big house in the

middle of nowhere, and it felt like a

prison, and I couldn't stand it anymore,

and I moved back in with my mum.

Yeah, you guys will never see the, the

second house.

So I don't know if I'm gonna move out

again. I mean, you kind of have to have

your own place if you want to date,

is what I've realized. Not a lot of girls

want to come his house.

It was so tiring moving out, packing all

the stuff, dismantling the bed.

It's all in the garage now.

Why is it so dark?

Have I spoken to Victoria? No, she's

getting married to some guy from Latvia,

apparently. After knowing him for like 1

year.

How much did I waste on the Devon arc?

Probably at least 40K.

Rent, expenses, dates,

skipping work to go on dates probably cost

like 10K. Hotels,

But you know, I had a good time. I had

probably the best time in my whole life,

and now it's over.

I feel so empty and dead inside.

Have I contacted the Thai ex? No.

Like, I thought about going on dates

again,

but it's like when you're this in

love and emotionally attached to your ex,

it's like no other girl interests

you. You just,

you just keep comparing the ex to the new

girl, and the new girl never stands a

chance unless it's like the clone or

doppelganger, I guess.

You'll get over your ex.

I mean, we broke up like 3 months ago,

but I haven't been able to get over her at

all because I kept clinging on to hope.

Hope that she'll change her mind or that

we could meet up. That hope's been

completely destroyed.

So if I'm gonna get over her, it's gonna

be from— today's gonna be like day one,

and I know from experience it can take at

least 6 months. It's gonna be

fucking long and hard.

It was like I kept getting fed hope so

I couldn't move on.

Did she dump you today? No, she dumped me

like 3 months ago, but she blocked me

which really, really fucking hurt.

I mean, I asked for clarity and then she

just blocked me. Without saying anything.

You must have really upset her. Well, all

I did, all I did was ask for clarity,

like, where do we stand?

And then she just left me on read and

So that's all the clarity I needed then.

Silence is the answer.

Yeah, now I know.

I just— I think it's so cruel to just like

block someone without, without giving them

some answers.

Why did she block you? Because I asked for

clarity.

I asked if there was a chance.

The hell is BFD?

Sometimes for their own sanity. Yeah, I

know, she's just doing it to protect

herself.

Oh, I feel dizzy now.

I smoked too much.

Read about borderline. I don't

I've been trying to analyze her

personality type and all that stuff, and

she's textbook.

Ask for clarity. I did, and then I got

blocked.

Thought you broke up 3 months ago. Why did

you ask for clarity only today? Because we

had been in regular contact since the

which confused the fuck out of me. I was

like, why Did you break up with me and

then keep breadcrumbing me?

How much money do I need?

Like £30,000.

Once I finish paying my mum back,

I really don't know what, what to do with

my money. Like, do I, do I try and move

out again? Because we all know how that's

Do I save up to buy a house?

I'd need at least 50 or 60K for a deposit.

Every time I try and move out, I always

end up with another failed relationship,

end up back at my mom's house in

I can't go overseas anymore because I

can't afford it. I don't have that

online income like I used to.

I don't know, like next year when I'm out

of debt, maybe I'll try to look for

someone new and I try to get my own place

again. What else?

What is there to do in life?

Why were you gone 8 months? I tried

to build a healthy life offline.

It was going really well, and then it all

blew up in my face. And today

I just reached my breaking point where

I feel so alone, so miserable.

I just wanted to go live.

Yeah, I've been working 7 days a week the

whole summer. I was really looking forward

to having a nice time in summer with one

person I really liked.

Like, I waited through winter and all the

rain and all the cold, and then summer

finally comes And then I got no one to

spend it with again.

Just would have loved to have gone to the

zoo. Or done a road trip,

go to nice places.

Yeah, I'm still working out.

I started listening to this music, it's,

uh, AI-generated Viking rap

metal. It's so good.

Have you seen this stuff? It's like going

around on YouTube in Shorts. So then

I just downloaded a bunch of the songs.

So good. I was real— I was really

into Indian music for a bit, like

Bollywood Indian stuff. I was listening to

Indian music non-stop, and then I shifted

to Viking AI music. I put

that on when I work out and it gets you

Indian music's really good as well. I got,

I got like 100 Bollywood songs on my

playlist. I don't

know why, but I really like the sound of

the Indian music. But now I really like

the sound of the Viking stuff.

Show us an example. Now every time I play

music or something, people start leaving.

Just search up Draugr

Viking hip-hop or something. It's spelled

My mum keeps saying, why don't you get an

Indian girlfriend? Because I keep

listening to the music.

Nah. Daniel, you're back finally. Yep, I

couldn't even last one year without coming

back, but I

just feel like, what's the point? I tried

so hard to change my life around and put

this toxic YouTube stuff behind me.

And it just feels like, why?

Like, even without the YouTube,

um, my rel— I thought the YouTube was

ruining my relationships, but even without

the YouTube, I'm pretty good at just

ruining it by myself.

I mean, I'm not gonna be toxic again like

I used to.

I think I have grown during my time

away.

Do I not grow my facial hair out? No, I

shave it every day. My chin.

Do you really need those relationships?

I don't— wouldn't say I need

it. But I want it.

It gives me fulfillment and drive and

like something— it's like something

important to me. Nothing else comes close

So nothing beats that high of You

know, just cuddling on the sofa or having

someone that cares about you.

Nothing comes close apart from YouTube, I

guess,

but it's not the same.

Yeah, everyone just wants to be loved,

don't they?

My shopping addiction. Recently I spent

£50 on a portable battery-powered cordless

pressure washer to wash my car.

That's it, really.

There's not really anything I want to buy.

Tech doesn't interest me. Phones, I've

already got a pretty good phone. I got my

dream car, got Tesla Model Y.