Why my Ex Girlfriend wasn’t up to my Standards

A few years ago, I had a Dutch girlfriend,

and through no fault of my own, the

relationship kind of came to an end,

mainly because she just wasn't quite up to

my standards. And even though I really

liked her, we just weren't very compatible

as a couple. So one of the main things I

didn't really like about her was how

vulgar she could be when she spoke. She

swore quite a lot, and I kind of grew up

in a household where swearing wasn't

really allowed, and my dad really hated

swearing. I don't think I ever heard my

dad use the F-word or any kind of swear

word ever in my whole life. Maybe just

once when it was a really serious

situation and he was really stressed out.

And my dad really frowned upon swearing.

If anyone swore, he would kind of tut and

roll his eyes. So as a kid, I never really

swore when I was growing up. So to me,

swearing just feels kind of alien, and

being sworn at just seems kind of weird.

I know people just swear at each other

very casually depending on what kind of

friendship circles they have, and it's

normal and everything, but I'm just not

really used to it. And I'm especially not

used to my girlfriend telling me to fuck

off or saying fuck you to me. So sometimes

I would say things that would kind of

offend her slightly, or maybe shock or

surprise her, and she would react to this

by telling me to fuck off, or she would

just shout at me, fuck you! And I just

really didn't like it. I know that she

didn't really mean anything serious by

saying it. She was just kind of playfully,

jokingly saying fuck you to me and not

expecting me to feel offended. But I just

couldn't help but feel like she was

attacking me very savagely with her words,

and I just didn't really like being sworn

at. I just found those words to be so

grating on the ear just sounded so

low-class and very vulgar, and I didn't

like it at all. So I ended up being very

careful with what I said to her. I tried

to— I started to put efforts into trying

not to trigger another F you, so I

wouldn't say anything that would kind of

offend her or poke fun at her because I

didn't like the way she reacted. And the

other thing I didn't like about her was

she was very loud, and I'm very shy,

especially outside in public, and I don't

like causing a disturbance or annoying

people that are around me. But she was

like the complete opposite. So for

example, we would be in a shop and I might

be here and then she might be over there

in a different aisle. And if she wanted to

call me over, she had no problems just

yelling my name, Daniel, as loud as she

possibly could. And it was just so

embarrassing. Every time that happened,

everyone would look up and then look

towards where the shouting is coming from,

and then they would look at me because

they could see me reacting to it. And I

just really don't like people looking at

me in public. I don't like drawing

people's attention. I kind of like to just

be invisible when I'm outside. I don't

really want to disturb people around me.

So every time we went outside to do

something, to go shopping or to go

somewhere, I would feel really anxious,

kind of worried that she's gonna shout F

you in the middle of everyone, in the

middle of some kind of public space, or

just shout my name really loudly and then

everyone's gonna stare at us. I'm just not

really a big fan of shouting. I don't

think I've ever actually shouted in my

entire life. I don't even know if I'm

capable of shouting. I always speak in a

low volume, and if I need to get someone's

attention, instead of shouting at them or

calling at them from a distance, I would

just walk up to them and then say what I

need to say. Other problem I had with her

was her family when I had to go over to

her grandmother's house and have dinner

with her grandmother and her father. So

because I was also living in Rotterdam so

I could be nearby her, her family also

lived in Rotterdam and she lived with her

grandmother. So I would occasionally,

quite often, go over to her grandmother's

house to have dinner because they would

invite me over. And even though it was

nice to be invited over and to feel

accepted and welcomed. I really

appreciated that, and they were very nice

and friendly. Even though that was great

and everything, I just still felt really

awkward and uncomfortable having to attend

these family dinners, mainly because

number one, the grandmother was extremely

deaf and could barely speak any English at

all, and the dad could speak okay English,

but I could barely understand what he was

saying because he kind of had some teeth

missing. So the way he spoke was very very

hard to understand. So I would go over for

dinner and we would sit at the table

having dinner and they would all be

speaking in Dutch. And obviously I don't

understand any Dutch at all. I didn't try

to learn any of it. And I would just be

sitting there eating my food and I would

try to eat the food very slowly because if

I ate the food really quickly, then I

would just be sitting there not doing

anything because I couldn't look at my

phone. I wasn't allowed my phone at the

table. And if I finished my food before

everyone else, I'd just be left sitting

there staring at my plates because I don't

know where to look, and I wasn't really

being involved with the conversation

because I couldn't understand what they

were saying. And I just felt so awkward

and so uncomfortable not being able to

look at my phone. Every time I feel

nervous or anxious, I start fiddling with

my phone and I look at it, something to

do, something to scroll through and look

at. But I wasn't allowed my phone because

apparently it was rude and the grandmother

didn't like it. I thought it was kind of

strange to have such old-fashioned

dinnertime table manners, table rules, so

you can't even look at your phone.

Because when my family have dinner

together, we just sit on the sofa and we

watch TV and we're all looking at our

phones whilst eating, and that's pretty

normal for me. So sitting at a table just

eating and having conversations seems very

traditional, I guess. It's not really

something I've ever had to do since I was

a kid. But yeah, I really hated it. I

really hated having to go for these

dinners, and I couldn't really say no

because then my girlfriend would be upset.

So I had to do it to please her, even

though I felt very awkward and didn't

really want to be there. Also, the food

wasn't really that great. As someone who

has mixed heritage and is half Malaysian

and has a Chinese mum, I'm kind of used to

more exotic tasting food. When it comes to

dinner, I'm more used to having something

like stir-fry or noodles or curry or some

kind of Asian dish, and the Dutch food is

not really that great. I'm not saying that

the grandmother was bad at cooking. Her

cooking was fine. The food was cooked

well. It wasn't overcooked or undercooked

or anything like that. It's just the

ingredients ingredients used were very

bland and very uninspired. It was usually

just some kind of boiled potato, boiled

vegetables, and then some kind of

oven-roasted meat. No interesting spices.

There was some gravy that was just kind of

salty in flavor, but there were no herbs

or spices or anything exotic tasting, and

the flavor was just very dull and lacking

in luster. I would say that we had similar

kind of food here in England during World

War II when exotic food or ingredients

such as onions and garlic and herbs and

spices weren't really available and food

was being rationed because of the war.

But come on, it's 2022, there's no war

going on. I don't really want to eat

boiled broccoli and boiled potato anymore.

And unfortunately, that's just kind of one

of the problems you have to deal with when

you're in a relationship. In order to

avoid loneliness, you just have to force

yourself to do things that you don't

really want to do just so you can please

the person you're with. And it's kind of

one of the reasons why I'm not really

desperate to get into another relationship

again, is mainly because I just don't

really want to have to meet her family or

her friends And I've had to ghost and

block one girl that I was seeing recently

because she kept trying to get me to meet

her friends. And even though I was showing

no interest in talking to her friends or

meeting her friends, she started nagging

me about how I'm not showing any interest

in meeting her friends, and she kept

trying to push it. So I had to just cut

her off because I just don't want to be

friends with someone else's friends. I'm

very against the idea of having friends of

my own in the first place. What makes you

think that I want to be friends with your

friends? I think if you're just casually

dating someone or you haven't really been

dating for a very long time, I don't think

it's very important to meet her family or

have to meet her friends. Maybe if it's

really serious and you can see this is

going to be a long-term thing, then yeah,

meeting her friends and family should be

quite an important thing to do, but not,

not at the beginning. So yeah, in

conclusion, when it came to her looks, I

was very satisfied and very happy with the

way she looked, but everything else wasn't

quite up to my standards.