My social anxiety has gotten much worse

I'm supposed to be checking into this

guest house, but I'm feeling pretty

nervous. I'm not sure if this is a

I don't know, should I go? Should I go to

an Airbnb, or should I stick with the

hostel? I've booked a night

at this hostel place. I booked a bunk bed

in a mixed dormitory.

I just don't know if it's worth going

there. What is the goal?

To meet people? Do I really want to meet

people? I guess I do kind of want to meet

people.

I think maybe I'll just walk past the

place to see what it looks like. And then

decide. There it is.

That's where I'm supposed to be staying.

I'm just gonna walk past and look in the

window.

There's someone there.

I don't know, it looks kind of scary.

There's more people.

I think I'm gonna find a new place to

stay. It just doesn't look that great.

There were 2 guys in there, no girls.

I don't think I'd enjoy it anyway.

Well, I think I'm not gonna go to the

guesthouse. I just don't think it's a good

idea. It'll just be like last time.

Remember last time, 2017, when I was in a

guesthouse? There were no interesting

people, nothing interesting happened. I

was sitting around moping because I

couldn't make any friends apart from that

Canadian guy,

and there were no cute girls anyway.

I just feel a bit stupid because I, I

wasted my money. I already spent— I

already paid the money for tonight.

And now I'm probably not going to go.

This is quite a nice place.

It's a nice little foresty area.

Hey, so it's the next day and I decided

not to go to that guest house because it

was just too scary. I, I spent hours and

hours just wandering around outside trying

to think, trying to get enough courage to

go in there, but I just couldn't. And I

ended up booking an Airbnb, which is where

I am now. I'm not gonna do an Airbnb tour

because every time I show you the inside

of the Airbnb I'm staying at, somehow

people find out which Airbnb I'm at. They

end up contacting the manager or the

owner, they start sending them weird

things about me, and then I

get messages from the owner asking me

questions, and it's just, it's just a big

headache. I don't really want to get into

trouble or get kicked out of this place

because I might be staying here for a

little while. I just feel so frustrated

and annoyed with myself because I

couldn't even go into the guest house. I

just imagined all these people in there

And I imagined them expecting me to talk

to them, or imagine them talking to me,

and I chickened out. I couldn't go in.

It just felt like too much pressure. With

the capsule hotel, it was kind of

different because people just go into the

capsule hotel, they go into their

capsules, and they keep to themselves.

But guest houses usually have a different

kind of atmosphere where it's more social.

And if you just go into a guest house and

you sit there all by yourself, people

think you're a weirdo. And the reason why

I wanted to go to a guest house so much

was because I feel lonely, and I saw

pictures on their website of all

these people having fun together,

drinking together. There was this cute

girl sitting on the bunk bed. I thought

that I wanted to be one of those people

having a good time, drinking together.

But I couldn't do it for some reason. I

feel like my social anxiety has gotten so

much worse compared to a few years ago. A

few years ago, I didn't have any problems

booking myself into a guest house, but now

I can't even walk in and go up to my room.

I thought as I got older, my social

anxiety would eventually get better and I

would stop caring so much about feeling

embarrassed or what people would think of

me, but it's, it's gotten worse,

not better. And it's really frustrating

because I feel lonely and I want to

interact with people and I want to make

friends and I want to do social things,

but the anxiety makes

me feel afraid And I feel scared, and that

pushes me away from people. And it's like

this never-ending cycle of, well, I feel

lonely and I want to interact with people,

but that's scary, so I'm going to avoid

people, which makes me even more lonely.

I feel like I've changed so much since the

first and the second time I came to Japan,

but not for the better. I changed for the

worse. When I first came to Japan, I had

so much fun, and that was because I had

lots of friends. I was in the guest house

and I was outgoing and I was more

positive. I wasn't so negative. I didn't

say things like, oh, people are boring,

or that person's not interesting, what's

the point. I didn't think like that. I

used to think that everyone was

interesting and fun to hang out with. And

had a much better time in Japan the first

and second time. That was about 9— 8 or 9

years ago. And I keep trying to recreate

that experience where I try and go to a

guest house and I try and make friends,

but it's never as good as the first or the

second time. And I just feel bored with

people, or I feel uninterested

in the people that I do interact with. I

don't even know why I'm so scared. I think

I'm scared of the rejection. I'm scared

that they'll not want to talk to me or

they'll not want to be with me.

I keep worrying that what if I go up to

them and I say hi and they don't like me

or they want me to go away? Because I've

had experiences like that before where In

the past, I went up to people and I tried

to talk to them, and they just weren't

very responsive, and they just gave me

one-word answers, or they didn't really

seem like they were interested in talking

to me. And I came away from those

experiences feeling very negative,

and I felt very stupid.

And I guess it's because of those negative

experiences, it's just made

made me feel like, what's the point of

trying to put myself out there and to try

and make an effort talking to people if

they aren't interested in talking to me?

I have this very negative attitude when it

comes to interacting with people. I just

kind of automatically assume that they

don't like me, and that's just how

I've felt. That's what I thought people

thought thought of me in general, even if

they didn't know me. I know it's a stupid

way of thinking, but it's hard to, to stop

thinking that way when that's how you've

been thinking for so many years.