Why I haven't killed myself yet

Depression, low self-esteem, low

self-confidence, and feeling like I have

no purpose in the world, feeling like my

life isn't going anywhere and not having

the motivation, willpower to do anything

about it. These are negative emotions I

experience on a daily basis.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I keep going

on? What, what motivates me to get

out of bed every day apart from the

desperate urge to urinate? Sometimes I

wonder why I haven't just ended it

already? Why do I keep doing this,

this daily grind? What's the point?

Is there any point to this?

I guess there's a few reasons why I

haven't ended my life yet. It's because

there are things in life that I love

doing. For example, having sex, the eating

of food. I love eating. You might not

believe it, but I enjoy a good burger.

I enjoy taking a gigantic shit in the

morning just after waking up. But the

thing is, when you're dead, you can't do

any of those things. You can only do those

things when you're alive, and I want to

continue doing those things that I love

doing as long as I can. It just

seems like a waste if you decide to end it

all Just because you don't feel like you

want to go on anymore. There's so many

things to be enjoyed in life, and I think

they should be enjoyed whilst you can

enjoy them. I think some

people think it's easy to kill yourself,

like you just press a button, you just

take some pills, and then it's all over.

I don't think it's so easy. Most of the

time, people do it in horrific, bloody

ways, like they jump in front of traffic,

they jump in front of a train, They jump

off a building. Do you know what it looks

like when someone jumps in front of a

train? No? Neither do I, but sometimes I

wonder. I wonder, what does that look

like? It can't be pretty. It must be a

fucking mess. Can you imagine the people

that have to clean that up? Pick up the

pieces? And pick up the severed remains,

the severed limbs, and wash up the blood

off the train tracks? What kind of

conversation do you have with that person

after he's finished work? So honey, how

was work today? Oh, it's okay. We just

scraped some guy off the train tracks

today, just like the other day. Must be

a wonderful job. But I wouldn't mind doing

it. Sounds like fun.

I mean, I guess it's not really a job for

the faint-hearted, is it? But someone's

got to do it. If no one does it, then

we'll just have corpses on the train

tracks all the time. No one wants to see

that. But what kind of person wakes up and

goes, oh, I wonder what kind of job I want

to do in the future. I know, I'll pick up

human remains off the train tracks. How do

you even get that kind of job? I must

be crazy. The other reason

why I keep going on in life is because I

don't have the guts to take my own life.

What kind of mental state do you have to

be in where you actually want to kill

yourself? I just can't imagine it. What

does that feel like? I have no idea

because I've never gotten to the point

where I feel so shit that I want it all to

end. It's never gone that bad.

Usually I just go to bed, go to sleep,

and then the next day I feel fine.

Sometimes I wonder to myself, what must it

feel like to be dead? It must be weird.

One minute, one second, you're alive and

you're breathing, you're thinking, and

then the next second you're dead. There's

just nothing. What does that feel like? I

really want to know. If I could experience

death and then come back so I could tell

people about it, I would. But the thing

is, after you die, people don't usually

Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.

I guess it kind of feels like nothingness.

You know that feeling before you were

born? That feeling you had

before you were alive? Just nothingness.

I guess that's what it feels like. I mean,

what else is it gonna feel like? It's not

gonna be like just dreaming the whole

time. It's kind of

depressing, isn't it? You know,

at the end, after it all ends, you're just

faced with nothingness. There's nothing at

the end. There must be something like a

bonus stage or a bonus level. How can it

just end and result in In

nothing. That's just really cruel.

I think that a lot of people believe that

people that take their own lives are

cowards, that they don't have the guts to

face the problems in their lives, that

they're just running away from the

problems by deciding to end their lives.

I don't think that's the case. I think it

takes a lot of courage to come to that

decision. I don't have the guts to do

that. I guess I

have hope. I'm hopeful that eventually,

at some point in the future, things are

gonna get better. They have to get better.

If I believed otherwise, then maybe I

would just jump in front of a train.

If I genuinely believed that things

weren't going to get better in the future,

that things are just gonna get worse,

then yeah, I'd just give up.

But the thing is, that's not what I

believe. I'm hopeful, I'm optimistic that

there's going to be a certain point in the

future in my life that I'm gonna look back

on the shit times and I'm going to think,

wow, those times were really shit. I'm

glad I survived those days. I'm glad I got

to this point where I feel happy now.

That day has to come sooner or later.

It might And come when I'm a— when I'm an

old man, when I'm 80 years old, but I

think that it's worth waiting for that

time. It's worth the wait. Even if

I have to endure 60 years of shitness just

for 10 years of happiness then. I believe

that's worth waiting for, don't you?