First time at a Japanese Ryokan with my wife

She takes so long to get ready.

It's been about 40 minutes.

なんで十二時半に出るって言ったよ。 This

is my outfit for the day. Very trendy.

What are you making? Egg and bacon.

Bacon and eggs. Very British.

Oh, it's hot.

I thought it'd be cold. Why is

there hot water coming out?

It isn't drinkable.

Cannot drink bottles.

Hmm.

Is it warm? It's cold.

Looks like a big toilet for giants.

We're in the mountains of Japan.

It's very pretty. Oh, there's a

kitty cat.

They don't like me. This is the hotel

we're staying at tonight.

$300 per person. Better be good.

Okay.

よろしく お

願 いい た します。 簡 単 で ございます が、 フ ァ イ ヤ ー の

お 説 明 さ せて いただ きます。 三 階 に ございます。 一

階 で ウ ィ ン カ ー を 見 せて いただ き ま して、 廊

下 左右 突 き 当 た り に 非常 階 段 降 り て いただ

き ま して、 左 に お 進 み いただ きます と、 こちら に

当 館 で 一 番 大 き い 大 浴 場 が ございます。 き

ます。 で 翌 朝 は 六 時 から

お 入 り いただ き ま して、 こちら の 大 浴 場 が 朝 八

時 から 九 時 の 間 一 旦 清 掃 に 入 ら せて いただ

きます。 で その 後 九 時 から チ ェ ック ア ウ ト の 十

二 時 まで 夕 食 こちら の お 部 屋 に 準備 さ せて いただ

きます。 四 時間 十 八 時 から です ので その お

時間 の 二 十 分 から 三 十 分。 あ 僕 露 天 風 呂

ある んだ。 うわ。 I thought that woman would

never stop talking. Oh my goodness!

Look at this room. It smells like feet in

here. It smells like

feet.

Feetじゃないよ。じゃあ何の匂いこれ？ Smells

like feet.

So this is the room we're staying in.

Traditional Japanese room.

Looks very nice. It smells a bit funny

when you first enter the room, but then

you get used to it. Now I can't really

smell it. And there was a, uh, there was a

geisha woman and she was explaining

everything, like how to use the bath, how

to use the TV. I thought she was never

gonna stop talking. Bloody hell.

And we have a nice view of the mountains.

Nothing. Oh,

they gave us fancy bathrobes.

This is the toilet.

Very nice toilet,

sanitized.

It's so awkward. I don't know

what what it is about geishas. I just find

really awkward. They're just so robotic.

Robotic. It's like

they're not real people. She brought us

tea.

Do you like the tea? Mm-hmm. Tastes good.

It's okay, I guess.

I just noticed there's no bed in here.

Where are we supposed to sleep? On the

You mean I spent three hundred dollars for

tonight and they don't even give us a bed?

じゃあ畳あの布団用意してくれるから大丈夫だよ。 The

geisha woman's gonna come back and and

make the bed. It's so awkward when she's

here though. I don't know where to look.

I don't know what to do.

This is weird. What's so funny?

初めて日本に来た外人みたい。 I

look like a foreigner who's come to Japan

for the first time. I've never stayed in a

traditional Japanese hotel before.

This is very strange.

Still smells weird.

This is the bathroom, and this is the

reason why this place is so expensive, is

because it comes with a fancy bathtub.

It's like an onsen, but you don't have to

share it with other people. You get your

own private one.

Water's warm. Ouch, the door just hit me.

Doesn't seem very water efficient. Bit of

a waste, isn't it, if it keeps flowing

out? And then where does it go? It keeps

flowing in, where does it flow out? Oh, I

guess it flows out of that hole over

there. We came all this way and we spent

all this money so we can have a bath. At

the end of the day, that's basically what

it is— a fancy bathtub.

And you get a little wooden bucket and

a little wooden stool and a shower. So I

guess what you do is you sit on this

wooden stool and then you shower yourself.

Clean before you get into the bathtub.

That's the Japanese way.

What's in here?

Janome Bath CE600.

And there's a tiny refrigerator full of

beer. Look at all the beer they gave us.

Do you like it?

Very nice,

very nice.

Show us the bath robe.

What are you wearing?

浴 衣。 浴 衣。 ム ーム ー、 ム ーム ー で パ ジャ マ。

パ ジャ マ。 パ ジャ マ。 バ ト ロ。 Very

pretty. Thank you so much. What's that

purple thing? Jacket.

For additional jacket.

Do a Japanese dance. Japanese dance.

Japanese dance.

What do you think?

I look like a hospital patient.

And this is the purple,

purple jacket. I don't know what it's

How do you feel? Do I look like a Japanese

boy? You look like a Japanese boy.

A good-looking guy.

It's my husband.

Traditional Japanese green tea.

This is a green tea. Put in here

and I

look funny.

It's a very nice toilet.

My special socks.

They make my toes look really long.

What do you think?

That's, uh, silly. Silly.

Let's go.

There's no pockets. On this outfit,

I feel a bit exposed. I don't know where

to put my hands.

We're walking around the hotel.

It's very exciting,

very fancy.

Matching outfits. What did it feel

like? Slimy. So slimy.

Look, in Japan there's vending machines

for cigarettes everywhere.

What's this? Oh, we eat in the room. I

thought we go to a restaurant.

She's preparing dinner for us. This is

kind of strange.

はい、お願いします。はい。 Dinner

has

arrived. Is this everything?

Mm. Mat uk uro. そ んな わ け ない じゃ ん. This is

the starter. 先 付 け だけ、 先 付 け だ よ。 最 初 に。 で

こ んだ け 来 る 料 理。 一 二 三 四 五 六

六 品 来 る よ。 Six courses. Six course meal.

そう だ よ。 だから あ ん まり 変 な もの 食べ て お 腹 い

っぱ い にな ら ない ように した 方 が いい よ。 So this is

course number one. Number one. What 's

here? これ 肉 焼 く。 あ、

あと で。 They 're gonna cook meat in there.

Oh, thank you very much.

Nandan sono.

Kanpai.

These chopsticks are interesting.

The food looks a bit strange. Very pretty,

but not what I'm used to. What's this?

Mushroom. Japanese mushroom.

It's cold and sweet and salty.

Uh, what's this? It's an octopus.

Don't show me. Is it a baby octopus?

Baby? Aka-chan. Baby?

It's a baby octopus.

Uh, it looks weird.

It just tastes sweet and chewy.

Does it have brains in the head? 入 ってる よ。

入 ってる。 うん。 う ーん。 There 's brains in it.

No thanks.

Course number two is raw fish, sash imi,

tuna. Ch ū n yeah tuna tuna。

砂 そうだ ね マ グ ロ だ けど 油 が 多 い。 Mm-hmm.

It's okay, I guess. Just tastes like raw

It's just raw fish,

nothing special. 他 って

何 が 来 る んです か？ 他 は この あと でした ら あの 二 物

って まあ ちょっと あ った か い お 料 理 と あの 揚 げ 物。

うん。 あと は ご 飯 と あの サ イ ド。 シ

ー の よ これ が 大 好 き この。 That 's it lime tea.

L ime tea や けど これ 全 く も 入 って ない。 Where do

you squeeze it? これ これ の 中。 あ、

おい しい。

Is it beef?

Yeah. Beef and butter.

Oh, look.

Colby beef.

Is it delicious?

Say something to your mom.

It's very good. 7 out

of 10. Oh,

it's a

soup, vegetable soup.

What's this? Tempura.

Tempura. Tempura. Tempura.

What's inside of it?

Shrimp and mushroom,

mushroom, potato.

Mm-hmm. She explained it. I didn't hear.

You weren't listening to her.

You naughty girl! This is the problem with

Japanese clothing. Yeah. The sleeves are

so big you can't really reach over things

without getting it caught

in stuff.

This is course number 5, white rice and

Brown soup. What is this soup?

Ah, miso soup. Miso soup and

some weird stuff.

She's coming to make the bed.

Hi. Ah, hi. Onegaishimasu.

あ、はい。ありがとうございます。 She

finished making the bed. This is our bed

for tonight. Where are you

taking my bag? And they also gave us

this little light.

Today's our bed. So romantic.

It's kind of strange how the, um, the bed

sheet has a huge hole in the middle.

Is it comfy? Yeah. Uh-huh.

Amazing.

Good night.