[2021-01-26] Why I Hate Myself... [fc2iy0_8FMQ]

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like button or press the subscribe button

or press the bell button, but desperate

times call for desperate measures. So if

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it doesn't really make a difference, then

I won't ask you again. Thanks for

listening, and now Now on to the video.

Hello and welcome back to a new video. So

as you may know already, I can be a pretty

critical person. I've criticized many

things on my YouTube channel: video games,

countries, cultures, girlfriends. So I

thought I would make a video criticizing

myself and talking about a few things that

I dislike about my own personality. One of

the main things I dislike about my

personality is that I just get bored

really, really quickly. Even if I find a

new hobby or a new interest, I get really

into it for a short amount of time, and

then after I've kind of mastered the

basics and learned a bit about it, I start

to get bored with it. There's been so many

times where I've become interested in

something and I kind of master the basics

and I get to an intermediate level, and

then I just kind of get fed up and and I

think to myself, well, I've learned this

to a good enough level. I start to learn

something new and things usually go quite

well, and then I reach this wall where it

becomes really, really challenging. And

instead of pushing myself through this

wall, I just kind of stop at the wall and

I think to myself, well, I feel like I've

learned this to a good enough level. It's

fine. I don't need to challenge myself

anymore. Let's just give up and stop here.

For example, when I was learning Japanese,

I got to a fairly decent level, but then

when things started to get really

difficult, I just kind of stopped trying,

and I never managed to achieve a really,

really high level of Japanese because I

guess I just got too lazy, and I thought

to myself, well, I can speak it well

enough. I can speak it good enough to be

able to talk to Japanese girls. Another

example is when I'm learning a new song on

the piano. Which is one of my new hobbies

recently. I've been trying to learn

different songs on the piano, and I've

spent a lot of time practicing the song,

but as soon as the song gets really

challenging and really difficult, I just

kind of give up, and then I just keep

playing the first part of the song, which

is usually the easiest part, and I just

keep playing the easiest part over and

over again without trying to learn how to

do the challenging part, and then I get

bored and then I look for a new song to

play. The problem is, by the time I've

gotten fairly decent at playing the song,

I've practiced playing it so many times

that I get bored playing it, and then I

don't play anymore, and then I forget how

to play it, and then I have to relearn how

to play it. It's like a never-ending

cycle. It's kind of a problem because it

means I'm never going to— I'm never going

to really get very, very good at anything

because I don't even try to become good at

anything, and I'm not really naturally

good at anything. I'm just too lazy to

push myself and to challenge myself to be

able to get to levels of mastery in

anything. I really admire those people who

just really love doing something. They're

really passionate about doing something

like painting or horse riding or playing

golf, anything really. And they're so

passionate and they love doing it so much

that they manage to carry on doing it for

decades, for years and years and years.

And this means that they become pretty

good at it. They become Masters. I feel

kind of disappointed with myself because

I'm nearly 32 now and I still haven't

found my thing that I thought I would

become a master at. I used to think it

would be Japanese. I thought I was really

good at Japanese and I loved it and that's

my, you know, that's my thing. But then I

kind of realized that— I realized that my

Japanese is not as good as I thought it

was. I didn't sound as fluent as I thought

I sounded. And I didn't really feel very

confident speaking it, and then I lost

interest in it completely. At this stage

of my life, I've given up on the idea of

becoming a master at anything, and I just

try and find new things to learn or to do

that I enjoy doing because they're fun,

not because I want to become an expert at

it. The next thing I don't really like

about my personality is I never seem to be

able to appreciate the moment. I seem to

have difficulties appreciating what I have

now. In the present, I'm always thinking

about how things were much better in the

past or how things could be much better in

the future. It's only until after the

moment has passed and some time has passed

that I start to realize to myself that it

was actually pretty great back then. But

back then, when the past was the present,

I was probably feeling pretty negative

about it and I wasn't appreciating the

moment. For example, when my dad was still

alive, I, I always found him to be kind of

annoying or boring, and when he was

around, I feel— I felt kind of irritated.

But now he's been gone for 2 years, I find

myself missing the things that he used to

do that I used to find annoying. I guess I

wish I realized how much I liked having my

dad around and that I appreciated him more

when he was around. There's so many other

things that I kind of miss from my past.

For example, my marriage in Japan. My life

in Japan was pretty good now that I think

about it in hindsight. Chihiro was a

pretty good wife to have, and my life back

in Japan was very comfy. If I had to

compare my marriage to my last

relationship, now that I think about it,

I can't really think of any things that

Chihiro did that really annoyed me or

really irritated me. But back then, I was

just nonstop complaining about her and

whining about her, which is what caused so

many arguments between us. And now that I

think about it, it's kind of stupid. All

of the things I was complaining about her

and life in Japan were just so silly. I

don't even know why I was complaining

about them. My point is, I'm not very good

at appreciating things in the moment. I'm

not good at appreciating what I have.

Until it's over, until it's in the past,

and then I look back and I think to

myself, huh, kind of miss those days. And

even now I'm doing it. I'm looking back in

the past and thinking, wow, those days

were great, instead of thinking right now

in this very moment, right now is pretty

great as well if I think positively. So I

think something I would like to change

about myself would be to learn how to

appreciate the moment and stop complaining

about such silly things and just

appreciate things whilst they're here and

not after they're gone. The next thing

about myself that I really dislike is how

I really love breaking the rules. You

probably know this already, but I've been

banned from so many websites because I

tried making money and I didn't follow the

guidelines. I tried taking the shortcuts

and the easy ways And I stole people's

stuff and I reuploaded it and I tried to

make money off it. And recently it's

gotten me into trouble again because I

used someone else's video footage without

asking for their permission and they gave

me a copyright strike. And I don't really

know why I keep doing this. I keep making

the same mistake. I keep trying to break

the guidelines and I try to get away with

it and I get away with it for a while and

then eventually I get caught and I get

banned. I don't really know why I have

such a strong rebellious urge, this

rebellious side to myself. I've always

been like this ever since I was a young

kid. I would try and break the rules and

try and get away with things, and I would

get caught and I would get punished. And

even to this day, I haven't really

changed. I guess I really should stop

trying to take other people's footage and

then reuploading it and then trying to

make money off it. I don't want to get

banned completely from YouTube. The next

thing I dislike about myself is I kind of

have a very addictive personality. Even

though I'm kind of lazy and I don't really

learn things to a good enough level to be

considered a master or expert at anything,

when I do get into something, I get

completely addicted to it. For example,

recently I'm really into the stock market.

And I can just sit there staring at the

stock market charts all day long from,

from half past 2 in the afternoon until 9

PM. I would just sit there staring at my

phone, staring at the little chart lines

going up and down, up and down, up and

down for nearly 8 hours straight without

doing anything else apart from getting

some food for lunch. It was probably

really boring for Mila when she came over

to my apartment in Rotterdam, and she

would come over and I'd just be waiting

for half past 2 2 or half past 3 over

there. And then as soon as the market

opened, I would just be sitting there

staring at the market, not really paying

much attention to her, not really talking

to her. I'm not surprised that she got fed

up and dumped me. I felt kind of bad about

it, and I felt bad that I was neglecting

her and I wasn't putting any effort into

trying to talk to her or trying to find

things to do together or places to go to

together. And I was just completely

obsessed with the stock market and trying

to make money on the stock market. I was

just completely addicted to it and I

didn't really want to do anything else,

and I felt grumpy and irritated when we

had to go and do shopping or we had to go

and buy stuff or we had to go to some

place because she wanted to go there. I

just really wanted to be at home staring

at the stock market. The same thing has

happened with other things in the past,

like World of Warcraft. When I got really

into World of Warcraft, I would just play

all day long from morning until about 1:00

a.m. at night for, for 2 years. Every

single day I was just completely addicted

to World of Warcraft. It's kind of weird

because I usually find nearly everything

to be very boring or very uninteresting,

and I don't have a huge amount of hobbies.

But when I do find something that I find

really interesting, I get so into it and I

get so addicted to the point that it

damages relationships, and I, I really

can't focus or do anything else. So those

were a few things I dislike about myself,

and yes, I'm sure there's lots of other

things that people dislike about me, but I

think this will do it for today's video.

Hope you liked it.