Feeling empty inside, sad and lonely.

So I don't really know what this video is

supposed to be about, but I just felt like

having a chat about stuff because

I can't stream anymore. Well, not until

April 22nd, so nearly can stream again.

But still feels like a long way away. I

don't know why, but I just feel kind of

weird today. Not really sure how

to explain it. I think I'll do the rest of

the video like this. It's been such a long

time since I just filmed my face talking.

It's kind of weird doing it now. It's like

I got out of practice, and now I kind of

lost confidence being in front of the

camera, which is strange. Considering that

I used to make every single video sitting

in front of the camera, used to put so

much effort into making them. Used to sit

here on the floor, wait till 1 PM when the

sun— the sun would always come this way

and start coming down, and then had really

nice sunlight that made my face

look really bright and nice.

So it's now March, nearing the end of

March. Just had my birthday last week.

It's kind of sad. I don't know why

I don't like my birthday. I just find it

weird that people expect me to be looking

forward to my birthday, and they're like,

aren't you looking forward to your

birthday? You're gonna have so much fun.

It's your birthday, how amazing. But

really, I always just feel sad and

depressed when it's my birthday,

especially when only about 5 people

message me happy birthday. I don't know

why I care. I guess it's because I keep

thinking, how do I have 100,000

subscribers on YouTube and then only 5

people message me happy birthday? Not a

single family member wished me happy

birthday. No relatives, no aunties,

no uncles, no cousins. No friends,

obviously. I only ever had 2 good

friends back in school. Guess they've

completely forgot about me, which is fine.

It's kind of funny standing in front of

this mirror. Brings back memories when I

see those epic rant videos like this.

Oh my God, I can't believe what she said

to me. She betrayed me. So can

you believe people actually took all that

stuff seriously? It's just absolutely

mind-boggling that people thought that was

completely real. I kind of miss it though,

having a good old rant about something

dumb. Oh, she's so stupid.

Anyway, so I wanted to talk about things,

how they've changed since I got back home.

And I know it's only March, which means

25% of the year has now passed, which

doesn't seem like a lot, but in a way it

does seem like a lot. It just feels kind

of sad that it's already the end of March,

nearly 30% of this year has already

passed, and I haven't done anything since

I got back from the Netherlands.

Absolutely have done zero,

and that's not really my fault because I

can't go anywhere and I can't go and meet

anyone, which kind of sucks because of

lockdown. But I just feel like this

year is just gonna zip past and I'll have

absolutely nothing to show for it. Last

year I did so many things when you think

about it, even though, even though last

year we had lockdowns as well. Around this

time, I still went to London.

I met Mila, brought her back home. All

that stuff happened, and then she left,

and then I was sad. And then I went to

Germany and had some fun in

Germany, met up with Mila again. And then

I had kind of a roller coaster

ride in Rotterdam. In the beginning, it

was nice. First few months. Going there,

meeting her family, staying at her place,

spending summer there. And then as summer

finished and I moved into that horrible

apartment, things just started to go

downhill. But I was quite happy with last

year because so many things happened and I

felt like it wasn't just a waste— wasted

year of my life. So I guess in that sense,

I was quite fortunate to have such such

an active year that year, but this year

just feels different. I don't know why.

Since January, compared to January,

I feel like something has changed.

Something fundamental has changed in my

mood and in my surroundings. So when I got

back from Rotterdam, I was pretty happy to

be out of that relationship because I

wasn't really that happy in, in that

place. So I was really looking forward to

coming home. I did miss my family a bit

because it had been half a year. It was

nice being back just in time for the end

of Christmas, and my stocks were doing

really well. I just recently got into the

stock market and I was completely

addicted. It was so much fun. I could

literally stare at the stock charts all

day long and it was it just went by in

a flash because it was just really

exciting watching your money go up. You

could invest in almost anything and it

would go up, and I made so much money.

Well, I've lost it all now because the

market is still in a correction. Not sure

when we're allowed to call it a crash,

but for some reason a lot of people don't

like it when you call a correction a

crash. So January, I was really excited

because I was making so much money. I had

this goal of making 100,000, which just

seems impossible now. I wanted to focus on

making money, and I got some new things,

like got that lamp behind the monitor,

got this new monitor, curved monitor to

play Rainbow Six on, got some new toys.

What did I get? Got that— didn't

I get this gun last year? I forgot now.

I got this lightsaber. Which I've never

used since doing that one livestream where

I played around with it. Kind of a waste

of money, £100, but I thought I'd do more

livestreams and it looks kind of cool.

But then got banned from livestreaming.

So January was nice. I was really excited

to be back home and I was optimistic for

the future, and there were a few girls I

was chatting to that seemed nice. I don't

really chat to them anymore.

Not sure why.

They just— I don't know, maybe they're

busy, but they haven't messaged me,

and maybe they're waiting for me to

message them. I don't know if I want to.

I feel like they've lost interest in me,

or maybe they think I've lost interest in

them. I don't know, but I'm not really

chatting to many people right now.

There's like one person I regularly chat

to. But things feel pretty lonely without

the Discord, without a girlfriend,

without a wife, without livestreaming,

and with only making one video

every 2 weeks. I feel like that

sense of community that I built around my

YouTube channel has kind of faded away. I

guess they're still there. All I'd have to

do is just start making videos again.

Problem is, I just have no idea what to

make videos about. My last video did

pretty well, talking about divorce.

Actually did really well, got more views

than I got compared to the last 10 videos.

I guess people are still interested in the

whole marriage and divorce thing.

I guess that's the most— that was the most

interesting thing about me, how I got

married and then how I got divorced.

Yeah, January was really nice. I made a

lot of money, um, I was happy to be home,

and I didn't miss Mila at all, not even a

single bit. I wasn't sad at all. It was

really weird because the first time she

rejected me and dumped me, I was

absolutely crushed. I was devastated. I

was like in this state of depression for

weeks and weeks and weeks, and I just cry

every night. That was horrible. Now I look

back at that, I feel kind of stupid

because the second time she dumped me

after Christmas, I was actually relieved

to be out of the relationship because it

just was not going well. I wasn't happy

with her. I didn't feel like she was a

good partner. She just did things that

seemed like massive red flags, just really

tiny things that just made me feel like

She's not a good partner. She's kind of

weird. She, she doesn't satisfy

my, my needs, you know,

emotionally. Physically, she satisfied

them pretty well, but it's not really

enough. You need the emotional support as

well. I just didn't really feel wanted or

needed by her. I guess I'm a pretty needy

person, and I don't

know, in some ways I felt like she was

kind of cold. And we had nothing in

common, so it kind of— it felt

inevitable that it was going to end, and I

was happy to leave and come back home. I

didn't miss her at all. I still don't. I

don't really think of her. Um, I blocked

her so she can't message me again. I

really doubt she would after all the

things she's probably heard me say about

her. I kind of lost my temper and I said

some pretty bad stuff, which I don't feel

great about. Then February came.

Beginning of February was fine, and then

mid-February stock market just went down

the toilet and I just lost money week

after week, just hoping for the markets to

go back up. But every week it would just

get worse and worse and worse, and then

ended up losing nearly 50% of

my total gains plus my initial investment.

They still haven't recovered because the

markets are still really volatile. They

recover a little bit and then they crash

again the next day, and then it takes all

week to recover back to where they were

before they crashed. And then it's just

over and over and over again, and I'm just

sick and tired of it, to be honest. It's

boring now. I don't really enjoy looking

at the stocks because they just— they

either go up a little and then they go

down, then go back up and then sideways.

They never go up as high as they were when

I bought them. So now I'm just constantly

losing money. It's just really sad and

depressing. So ever since mid-February,

I've been kind of stressed and sad

about losing half my investments.

I'm a bit numb to it now because it's been

over a month. It's been nearly 6 weeks of

this. I can't believe it's still going on.

I don't know if things will get better in

April. Hoping they will.

But now that the distraction of the stock

market has kind of faded away,

starting to turn my attention back to

feelings of the loneliness And in

the beginning of March, I had this— I

just started to really, really miss you

know who.

I don't know why I started missing her so

much, because 2020 I didn't miss her at

all. Maybe because I had Mila as a

distraction back then. I didn't really

have much time by myself to really

contemplate and think about losing the

marriage and getting divorced. And as soon

as I walked out and went to Korea,

she was kind of out of my mind. I didn't

really feel that sad about it. I was

actually relieved to be out of the

marriage. And then I met

Mira, and then she came over, and then I

was like in love or something. I don't

know if that was actually love. Maybe it

was the closest thing I've ever

experienced to love. But because I had

Mira I guess it was like a rebound thing.

You kind of forget your ex really quickly

when you find a new girlfriend.

And, um, yeah, all of 2020 I didn't really

feel sad about the divorce.

But then since the beginning of March of

this year, I don't know why, but I just

started thinking about it a lot. And then

I started looking at my photos, my photo

album. All the pictures I took 2017,

'18, '19 when I was married.

The Malaysia pictures, the random pictures

of us just going shopping, supermarket,

the vlogs I made at home just eating

dinner. Just that kind of daily marriage,

married life. I kind of forgot it, forgot

about it, and then looking at the photos

reminded me. And then I just started

really missing it.

Having, having a partner was

pretty nice,

even though there were stressful things

about it and we had a lot of arguments

about dumb stuff. When I was in the

marriage, I felt trapped and suffocated,

like I couldn't do what I wanted to do.

Now that I'm out of it, I just feel empty

and lonely. And like I have no purpose in

life. It's like I have ultimate

freedom. I can just play Rainbow Six all

day, chat to any girls I want to,

but it's not as great

as I thought it would be.

It just feels so weird going from January

until now. It's like my mood and

the atmosphere has completely flipped.

That excitement of being home again in

my big house, not surrounded by all those

noisy, rough people

in Rotterdam. I guess because time passes,

you kind of forget how bad things were,

and then as you get used to your current

situation, you start forgetting how great

things are now, and then you start

comparing now to the past, which seems

better. For some reason, the past seems

better than it probably was.

I think they call it rose-tinted goggles.

But yeah, sometimes I just wish I could go

back to 2018 or '19 so badly.

2018 was just amazing,

amazing year. Probably the best year of my

life. I don't know if I can top 2018.

It just felt like 2018 was the peak of my

life, and then after that it was all

downhill. So I've written

a quick summary of the months. Uh, we have

January. I was happy to be home,

had Happy about stocks. Looking forward to

meeting girls, new girls. So I was in a

pretty good mood in January. Everything

was looking up. Then February came. I got

that copyright strike from Tim Schofield.

That was a real punch to the gut.

Couldn't livestream since then or I

would risk losing my channels.

Uh, then March just got even worse.

Stocks are still down. Girls stopped

messaging me, and now I just feel

empty and lost.

So April is coming soon. Hopefully March

ends quickly, and I don't know what's in

store for April. I can't really foresee

much change happening. Hopefully the

stocks go up. Hopefully lockdown eases a

bit. Hopefully Um,

someone would be interested in meeting. I

don't know, I don't really have anyone

lined up, like any potential people

to meet up with. There were a few back in

January, but they all kind

of disappeared. Maybe they got busy, I

guess. I guess my main goal,

long-term goal, would be to eventually get

back to Japan, but who knows when that

could be. They were supposed to be

reopening in April for the Olympics, but

they've decided to go ahead with the

Olympics but not let foreigners come and

spectate, which seems a bit unfair since

the Olympics is supposed to be like a

world event, and it's like they've just

taken it for themselves and they've,

they've not they've decided to not let

foreigners come and spectate. Seems kind

of selfish, to be honest. Anyway, that's

kind of bad news because it means that,

um, who knows when they're going

to reopen. It could be next year.

Obviously they want to get their

population all vaccinated before they let

filthy gaijin into the country again, but

they've got a population twice the size of

the UK, 120 million people.

It's going to take a long time to get all

of them vaccinated, so I don't

know if it's wishful thinking that they'll

reopen before the end of this year. I

don't even know if I really, really want

to go back because I can just imagine

what's going to happen. I'll probably just

get a place and then I'll sit in the place

playing Rainbow Six all day. Whining about

being lonely and how annoying dates are

and how nothing interesting happens on the

dates. Just like when I was back in Korea,

I went on a lot of dates in Korea.

Nothing really— it didn't really lead

to anything. Maybe I could start

working on my dating profiles, get back on

Tinder, take some nice pictures, try and

get some women lined up to meet that I

could go and meet when things start

reopening. I don't really have much luck

with Tinder here in the UK. I just don't

really find— well, I do get matches here,

but they're really not the kind

of girls I want to meet. They're just not

really attractive. And then all the

attractive ones are not interested in me.

They don't match me. So I have

much better luck in Japan. I don't really

feel like doing the whole dating thing

here in England for some reason. Just

don't really feel up to it. Well, since I

decided to abandon my marriage, I guess I

gotta get back to it. Get back to the 2017

times of trying to find someone again.

Because if I don't, I'll just end up here

forever playing Rainbow Six, and then it

just feels like I wasted my life.