[2022-11-17] i live a double life [ZrWrecof5DE]

So some people have been wondering if I've

told my girlfriend about my YouTube

channel, and the answer is no, I haven't

told her about my YouTube channel, and I

don't intend to tell her about it. And

that's because I don't really want to tell

her about my YouTube channel. My YouTube

channel is a very personal thing for me.

It's kind of like my personal diary where

I talk about stuff and I express my

deepest feelings and opinions about stuff

that's going on in my life that I won't

really feel comfortable with people in my

life knowing about or hearing about. In

the same way, I wouldn't expect anyone to

show me their diary or their personal

journal, I kind of don't really want

people to expect me to have to show them

my personal YouTube channel.

Unfortunately, when people find out about

my YouTube channel, they obviously click

around a lot and watch the videos and see

what I'm thinking and talking about,

because I'm a very quiet person in real

life and it's kind of hard to get a grasp

of what I'm thinking about a current

situation. And my YouTube videos are kind

of like the only way you can see into my

mind without actually having to read my

mind. So when people out about my channel,

they're usually kind of shocked and

disgusted and maybe even repulsed or upset

about the things that I'm talking about.

For example, let's say me and someone else

are in some kind of tricky situation and

they ask me, Daniel, what's your thoughts

on this situation? What do you think we

should do? What are your ideas? And I

might just lie and say, I don't know, I

don't know what to do, I don't have any

ideas really. But in reality, I have a lot

to say on the topic and have a lot of

opinions, but I keep them as secrets

because I feel that if I voice these

opinions to that person directly, it's

just gonna upset them and it's not really

going to solve the problem much, and it's

just gonna make me angry. So in real life,

I keep quiet about things, but then I make

a video about it or livestream, and then I

let my actual feelings out and I let my

opinions out without any kind of filter.

And people find— when they find my videos,

or if they find my videos and they hear

what I have to say about stuff, they

usually don't like what I have to say

about stuff, and it causes arguments. So I

would prefer to keep my channel secret if

possible. The problem with my YouTube

channel is it doesn't exactly paint me in

the best of light. In the same way that a

lot of people use Instagram to exaggerate

the best parts of their lives, I kind of

use my YouTube channel to exaggerate the

worst parts of my life because that's just

what I find interesting. And I feel like

that's kind of a unique approach to

YouTube. Most people— most YouTubers don't

do this on YouTube because they want to be

popular and they want to be liked. I do

want to be liked and I do want to be

popular as well, but I kind of enjoy

talking about negative things, so it makes

my channel look really negative. It makes

me look really negative as well. And if

you only see my YouTube videos and my

channel, you'll think I'm a very negative

person, which in reality I don't really

think that's entirely true. Also, based

from past experience, I know that my

channel is a bit— a big red flag for

women. Every time I went on a dating app

or dating website and I told them

truthfully what I do for a living and

about my YouTube channel, When they search

my YouTube channel and they find it, they

always ended up blocking me or rejecting

me or ghosting me. Every single girl that

I've told about my YouTube channel on the

internet when I was trying to date them,

they've always ended up rejecting me when

they find my channel and watch some of the

videos. Even if I don't tell them the

channel, they'll just search for it anyway

by using a few keywords like Daniel,

tech, Japan, gaming. And then for some

reason, they're easily able to find my

channel. For example, I was supposed to go

on this date with this girl in Manchester

last year, and she's really cute. And we

had lots of things in common like gaming

and anime and similar music tastes. And we

were planning to go on a date in

Manchester. We even set up the time and

the place and the location and what we

were going to do. We were going to go to

this gaming arcade bar and play some retro

games. And I was really looking forward to

it. And then just by coincidence, she

said, oh, my friend recognized you from

YouTube. And then she checked out some of

my videos. And then she said, actually,

on second thoughts, I'm going to have to

cancel our dates because I'm not really

comfortable with dating someone who does

what you do for a living. And then she

said, no hard feelings. Excuse me, you

can't just invalidate my hard feelings by

saying no hard feelings. There were many

hard feelings felt by me because I was

looking forward to going on this date very

much, and I felt like it was kind of

unfair that she rejected me and judged me

so harshly just based off watching a few

of my YouTube videos, which isn't an

accurate representation of who I am in

real life. So you might be thinking,

isn't it unfair that you don't tell your

girlfriend about your YouTube channel? I

think it's unfair that women reject me

unfairly and judge me harshly just based

off watching a few stupid YouTube videos,

and they think, oh, that's what Daniel's

like just based off this one or two

YouTube videos. That's what his entire

character is like. I'm gonna determine

what kind of person he is just based off

of watching some silly YouTube videos,

which are made for entertainment purposes,

really. For experimental and research

purposes, there are a few times when I

matched kind of unattractive women on

Tinder. You know, you're just swiping and

swiping and swiping. Sometimes you

accidentally get a match with a girl that

you don't even know why you matched them

in the first place because you would never

really want to meet them anyway because

they're so weird looking. And I used these

women as an experiment. What would happen

if I told them about my YouTube channel?

What would their reaction be? And even

these kind of unattractive women would

reject me just after seeing my YouTube

channel. So based off of these personal

experiences that every single girl that

has seen my YouTube channel has had very,

very negative reactions to my channel,

I'm not really feeling very willing to

share the fact that I do YouTube to anyone

really, unless it's a guy, because if it's

like a guy, I don't really care if they

know what I do for a living or not. In the

first place, I wouldn't even talk to a guy

because I'm not gay. I remember the day my

ex-wife found my YouTube channel for the

first time. I remember the day very

clearly. She came home from work and she

was visually trembling. She looked like

she saw a ghost or she saw some kind of

horrific accident and she was mentally

scarred. She came down, she sat down next

to me looking extremely serious, and she

said, Daniel, I found your YouTube

channel. Are you cheating on me? And then

she started questioning me about all this

crazy stuff that I was talking about on

livestreams. And then I had to explain to

her, no, of course I'm not cheating. I

would never do that. And it was just

really scary for me and very, very

traumatic for myself as well, because she

suddenly had access to all of these things

I was saying and my true thoughts, which I

thought were well protected because I

never expected her to find my YouTube

channel. And it was just a very unpleasant

experience. And I'm hoping my girlfriend

doesn't find my channel in the same way.

And when she does, or if she does find it,

I hope that she doesn't have the same kind

of reaction that my ex-wife had. Now, how

long am I expecting her to not be able to

find my channel? Obviously, I'm not

stupid, and I'm thinking realistically

that she would eventually find my channel

if enough time passes. But I would say

that since my ex-wife, it took her about 3

months to find my YouTube channel, um,

I still have about 2 months left in this

relationship before we reach the 3-month

point in our relationship. So it's still

early days. It's still been a month in. I

don't really think she suspects anything

yet. Maybe she's getting a little bit

suspicious, but nothing major. And I'm not

going to tell her I do YouTube like I

stupidly did to my ex-wife. Actually,

with my ex-wife, I told her that I do

YouTube and I stupidly asked her not to

search for the channel, thinking she would

listen to me and respect my wishes and not

search the channel. Guess what? She

searched the channel the very next day

just by typing in Daniel Lord, my last

name, and then she found my YouTube

channel, which is so silly. I didn't

realize that just searching my full name

into YouTube would reveal my YouTube

channel. And that's how. I reckon if I

never told my ex-wife that I do YouTube,

then she wouldn't have even thought about

searching it, because why would you search

up your boyfriend's name on YouTube unless

you actually thought he did have a YouTube

channel? Because most people don't have a

YouTube channel, so why would you search

their names into YouTube? So in an ideal

world, the relationship would carry on

going as it is right now, with her going

to work and me making videos and streaming

secretly without her knowing about it.

And that just gives me the freedom and a

feeling of security, you know. I feel like

I can just talk about whatever I like

without any consequences, without having

to worry about people getting upset over

what I said. One of the most stressful and

frustrating things about being married in

Japan was I had to be very careful about

what I said when it came to my ex-wife,

because she would get upset over nearly

anything, even if I describe the shape of

a fingernail, she would come home and

start getting angry and having a go at me.

And it was really stressful trying to be

able to tiptoe around eggshells and

have a fun time talking about stuff I want

to talk about without accidentally

upsetting someone. It's nice to be able to

just talk without the fear of upsetting

someone yet. Maybe when she finds out,

she's gonna click on the stuff and then

see what I've been saying and then get

upset. But hopefully that won't happen for

a while, and hopefully that hopefully I'll

be outside of the country if or when she

does find out about my channel. When I

think about it, I don't think having a

personal diary kind of YouTube channel is

even that weird, and I don't think it's

even that weird to want to keep it a

secret. Like I said before, a lot of

people might have a diary where they write

very personal things in it. You wouldn't

expect that person to show it to you if

you asked them to show it to you, and you

wouldn't go around snooping in their

bedroom whilst they're away outside of the

house trying to look for the journal and

then reading the journal secretly whilst

that person is outside, that's kind of

like a betrayal of trust. It's kind of

like you're violating that person's

privacy. If you had any respect for that

person as a family member or a loved one,

then you would respect their privacy and

not snoop around their personal belongings

and read what they're writing in a journal

or blogging or video blogging on a website

like YouTube. I think you should respect

people's privacy. If they want to tell you

about something, then they will tell you

about it. If they don't want to tell you

about it, then you should respect that

person's wish to not want to tell you

about it. And that is what I think about

the whole situation. I don't think I

should have to tell her that I do YouTube.

That should be my choice whether I tell

her or not. I'm guessing if she found out

about it, she won't like some of the

negative thoughts I've had on the

relationship because I don't know what's

gonna happen to the relationship long-term

in the future. And you know, there's

negative outcomes and there's positive

outcomes. And as someone who likes to

think outside of the box, I like to bring

brainstorm different scenarios and

outcomes. I like to think, what could be

the worst possible outcome in this

relationship if X, Y, and Z happens? And

then I like to theorize and think about

different alternative outcomes and what I

would do if this kind of outcome happened

and what I plan to do. And this might come

across as thinking that the relationship

is doomed and I don't really have very

positive thoughts about it, which is not

really the case. It's just me trying to

anticipate and predict gonna happen in

this situation and trying to make the best

out of every and each scenario that could

come true. So fingers crossed that she

doesn't find out about my YouTube channel

because life is pretty peaceful like this.

And life with my ex-wife was very peaceful

up until the point that she found out

about my YouTube channel. If she had

listened to me and didn't go and find my

channel and didn't go snooping around for

what I was talking about, then I could

have had a very peaceful and nice

marriage. But no, she had to ruin it by

poking her nose into my personal thoughts

and feelings and opinions. And that's

basically why my marriage failed, because

my ex-wife couldn't keep her nosy nose out

of my business.