ok..

Testing.

Testing. So funny.

Feels like it's been ages since. I did a

livestream. When was the last time I did a

livestream? I think I was crying last

time, wasn't I? Crying. Actually,

I cried yesterday, so can't really laugh

about crying just yet.

Had a good cry last evening about you

know who.

We're now on How

many days? What day is it today? Today's

so it's the 3rd week since I got

rejected.

Still not really over it, but I feel a bit

better since then.

I thought I'd do a livestream because I

haven't made a video in 4

Hi Daniel, how's the wife?

I left the wife in January, ages ago.

Don't really know what to talk about,

actually.

Oh yeah, my hole. So I've been digging the

hole for about a week now, and it's

actually getting pretty deep.

Demonetized. Cunt, cunt, cunt.

No cunts, please. Yeah, my hole got

flooded today because it was raining, and

it's actually quite deep. I have to

jump into it now, and I had to make a

little hole in the wall so I can climb

out, and it's about— it's about up to

here. So I've dug it nearly

to my height. It's pretty cool actually,

and it's strangely satisfying. I don't

know why it's so much fun, but just seeing

it get deeper and deeper every day is,

um, it's pretty satisfying, and I'm

getting good exercise. It's way more fun

than just lifting weights. Than doing

push-ups.

Um, I usually spend about an hour

or 2 hours digging it.

What am I trying to do with the hole? I'm

trying to make a room. You know those

channels where they dig out a big swimming

pool underground? Well, I'm not going to

dig out a massive swimming pool, but I'm

hoping to make like a little room And then

get plywood boards, put that on the top as

a roof. Maybe get the saw, cut out a

hole, make like a hatch trapdoor.

I could buy some hinges off Amazon, get

some nails, screw it in, make a trapdoor.

Then I'll get a ladder going down,

and I want to get some candles as well.

Make it a nice underground hideout.

That'd be pretty cool.

Oh my God, man, are you still not over

that girl? No, I'm not.

It's, it's been 3 months since she left

and I still can't stop thinking about her.

Every single day, I'm just obsessively

thinking about her. It's just like,

Mila, Mila, Mila, Mila, Mila, Mila, Mila.

And I'm going crazy, so I had to resort to

certain things like digging a hole. And

I'm also reading up on stuff like

spirituality, which is weird for me

because I've never been into that stuff

before.

I also been— I've also been doing

exercise, working out.

I finished eating all my protein bars. I

also got protein shake and I've gone

through about half the tub now. It's like

a massive tub of protein shake, has about

1,600 calories per cup.

I'm still really skinny though, nothing's

changed.

I don't really feel like I've bulked up at

Your mum did not complain about destroying

the garden? No, she doesn't mind because

that's not really the main garden, that's

just the apple orchard which is at the

back. We've got like 7 gardens, by the

way. We've got The— we've got 2 gardens

at the front, and then we've got the big

main one at the back. Then behind the big

main one, we've got this big apple

orchard, which is kind of hidden behind

all these bushes. So that's where I'm

digging my hole.

The hole— fun fact about the hole— that

was actually where me and Mila barbecued

that fish in the bucket. Remember when we

Made a fire, cooked fish. So I

dug a hole on that spot.

I think I'm actually eating over 3,000

calories now because I have lunch and then

I have a pretty big dinner and then I

snack in between. Then I have a protein

shake and a protein bar.

So maybe I'm getting close to 3,000,

maybe at least 2,500, but I don't

know. I don't think I've gotten muscly.

That's my hole-digging arm.

I think digging a hole for nearly 2 hours

is pretty good training. It exercises your

whole body. You're shoveling and then

scooping, and then you're bending up and

down to scoop it all out again.

I get soaked in sweat after I finished and

I feel exhausted.

I just get bored lifting weights. It's

just you stand there lifting up and down.

Any plans for future videos? I'm gonna do

one about spiritual awakening.

That sounds so lame, but I've been reading

a lot about it, so I think I've got some,

some knowledge that I can use. I got this

outfit for it. It hasn't arrived yet. I

got half of it. I got like

a spiritual Russell Brand outfit. I got

this necklace as well.

My sister had it. It's like a bead

necklace. I'm gonna make like this outfit

and then make a video about the spiritual

journey. I also got a triangle. It's

coming tomorrow. I'm gonna ding it.

So I'm actually looking forward to making

this video. It could be quite funny.

I've already started, um,

scripting what I'm gonna say,

but I'm not really sure what to say

exactly yet. It's gonna

be funny though. I'm quite into getting

outfits now for videos.

So I can talk about how heartbreak

triggered my spiritual awakening,

stuff like that.

I need to find some good Jesus quotes. I

can say stuff like, Jesus in chapter 12,

Jesus teaches blah blah blah blah blah. I

need to find something Jesus-related.

When's the last time you talked to Mina?

Probably a couple weeks ago. She said

I could message her, but I don't really

see the point. I don't know if I want to

talk to her.

Do you think it's a good idea?

Obviously, I can't talk about, you know,

us because that would just make it awkward

again. So I have to talk to her about,

you know, casual things like what's on the

news. Did you see the protests?

I don't know. That's just kind of weird.

Oh, we did kind of talk a bit a couple

weeks ago about random stuff,

but I was just constantly thinking,

how could you reject me?

How come you're just so fine with this,

like it was nothing? How come I'm so torn

up and you're just like, oh, let's be

friends? So it does kind of piss me off.

So I decided not to message her.

I don't know, it's just kind of upsetting

how easily it seems like she just moved

on, like the time we spent together was

nothing to her. I kind of

feel like I was used, like she just came

here for a bit of fun and left and that

Oh,

the first week was just so rough.

It was bad. The first week after she

rejected me,

I was on Twitter writing

out these long tweets about my feelings,

and I was messaging everyone. I was

messaging like 30 different people,

talking, telling them exactly the same

thing over and over and over again. I must

have explained the same thing to 30

different people in exactly the same way.

So days it went on for, I was just

messaging these random— well, I trust them

because I know I've been messaging them

for a while. They watch my channel, so I

felt like I could trust them. I could

speak to them. But there must have been

like 30 different people I was just

messaging talking about Mila. I actually

started pissing off a few people because

all I would talk about was Mila, Mila,

Mila, Mila, Mila, Mila. One of them said,

if you're just going to talk about me the

whole time, then I've got better things to

do. So that was like the

first week. I was going insane, and I'd be

tweeting out these really weird depressed

stuff. I regretted it. It sounded stupid.

I've stopped the whole tweeting thing,

thank God. And I've stopped obsessively

messaging everyone about it, thank God.

Oh, thank you, Robert. Come to London, I

can hook you up. No, I don't want to do

drugs. Drugs just seem kind of lame.

Daniel, come to London, I can hook you up

with some LSD. It's good content and

spiritual too. And I was avoiding doing

livestreams because I didn't want to just

start ranting about Mila for 6 hours

straight again.

I think you guys are bored of me just

moaning about Mila all the time.

And then I just started listening to all

this spiritual YouTube stuff. I was just

watching that and You know, like tarot

cards and astral readings. I started

getting into that, reading, listening to

that stuff. Just anything that would make

me feel better.

Yeah, it's been rough. This probably

sounds strange, but I feel like this is

way worse than when my dad died. Is that

weird?

I guess it's different, but in a way it's

kind of the same. You, you've lost

Uh, audio muted. I don't think it is. I

can see the audio bar.

Oh, thank you, Ollie. Very kind.

What was I saying?

I forgot now.

What was I saying? Oh yeah,

my dad.

I don't know, how long did it take for me?

To move on after my dad died.

I forgot now. I think it was a different

kind of pain though, because this pain is

rejection pain. When my dad died, it was

losing a loved one pain.

But I'm, I'm completely fine with my dad

now. You know, I've come to terms with it.

I don't really cry about it anymore. I

don't obsessively think about him all the

time. Sometimes I do think about him and I

do feel a bit sad, but it's not as bad as

it used to be.

Yeah, but this rejection pain has been

really bad. I've never— well, I've been

rejected in the past loads of times,

But I never cared much, you know. I'd be a

bit annoyed and have a bit of a rant about

it. I wouldn't cry for months about it.

Next day I'd be fine. I guess this

is the first time I got rejected by a girl

that I was actually physically with and

who I really liked and who I thought there

was going to be more to it instead of just

like a short-term fling. And I wanted

more, not just a short-term fling.

I think the only other time this happened

was when I was about 18 with the internet

Japanese girlfriend, when she dumped me

after about 2 years. But we never met, so

I don't really feel like it's comparable.

It's similar, but this time was way more

intense because it was actually— we were

actually together for a few weeks.

But yeah, I think this is the first time I

actually ever felt this bad,

and I've had a lot of relationships in the

past and they all failed and I didn't

really care. I even got ghosted once and I

was just like, uh, I don't care. Now I can

move on to another girl. You know, old

Daniel would be celebrating, going, yeah,

now I can meet a new girl,

but I totally don't feel that way.

But yeah, it is getting better.

It's just gonna take time.

I don't know if dickhead Daniel's ever

gonna come back. Maybe he will.

Right now I'm like broken Daniel,

broken and rebuilding. I don't know if I'm

gonna rebuild into the same old Daniel or

into a different Daniel. I guess we'll

find out. To get her back, prove you are

working on yourself. Even without her,

and you're going to make a great future

for yourself no matter what happens. Oh,

thank you, Flippy Kate. I've been

obsessing over the idea of getting her

back for weeks now.

That's why I was so careful with what I

made as videos and not doing streams. But

now, I don't know, I feel like there's

no way I can get her back, and it

probably wouldn't be a good idea.

You need to talk to her.

Oh, thank you. Talk to her about what? We

already talked about everything, about all

this stuff. There's not really anything

else to talk about.

Yeah, that's why I did all that stuff,

like the working out stuff and the I

Need to Change video. I guess that was all

my plans trying to get her back.

I feel like that's kind of dumb now.

I am gradually giving up on the idea of

getting her back. I don't— I think I've

mostly given up on the idea of getting her

back. There's just no way it's gonna

It's just not possible.

So about moving forwards, I've been

doing a lot of thinking. Germany could

be on the cards.

Germany again, but this time

I'd go to Berlin, and this time I

I'll try not to make— I'll try and make it

a better trip. Yeah, I hated

Germany last time because I got ditched,

I got rejected at the hotel, and I stayed

in a shit place. Düsseldorf sucks. I think

Berlin would be more exciting because

that's, that's where Hitler was. That's

pretty exciting. I can imagine walking the

streets and thinking, wow, this is where

The Russians and the Nazis fought to the

death. That'd be pretty cool. I wouldn't

mind going to Hitler's grave. That might

be fun. Or maybe Hitler's house.

Maybe they have like a war museum where

they've got Hitler stuff. Next time I need

to stop just sitting in the Airbnb playing

bloody Rainbow Six and actually go out and

see some places.

Did you refund the money you got for your

cancelled trip? Actually, no one even

messaged me asking for it back. I wasn't

even— I don't know, I guess if you really

wanted your $2 back, I guess I could give

it back to you, but no one messaged me

saying they want it back. I'll use it to

the next trip, don't worry. So Germany

And Algeria, but I'm not

really too keen on Algeria because I

looked it up and it was like this really

strict Muslim country where you can

actually get arrested just for filming

stuff like police stations. So I'm not

sure about Algeria,

but Germany is very high on my list,

and they've actually— they've lifted the

travel restrictions, so I could just go

now. I'm not sure though. I still

want to finish digging my hole. I think

I'll finish digging my hole first. I want

to make my dungeon. I want to get candles

and a ladder. I could do a video, tour of

my underground dungeon. I have to

finish my hole first. My stupid dentist

appointment got cancelled again. So it was

supposed to be next week, now it's been

pushed back to end of July, and then my

hygienist appointment got pushed back

until September. So I don't know when I

can get my teeth sorted out.

It's so annoying. Why can't they just do

it now?

I've been waiting to go to the dentist

ever since I got back and they just keep

delaying it.

So long-term plans, I was thinking Japan,

maybe? But I have to get my

dentist sorted out before, so that would

be until at least end of September.

Really want to fix my teeth.

So short-term plans, I could just go to

Germany for a couple weeks, make some

vlogs, meet some people. And then come

back to London. No, come back here,

then go for my dentist. I also need to go

to the opticians. I don't know, I was

thinking about learning to drive, but I

don't know now. Seems like a lot of money

for something I probably won't even use.

Even if I could drive, I wouldn't go

anywhere. I would just use it to impress

I was also thinking about buying a house.

I do have enough money to just outright

buy— not a house, but a flat in

the town. But do I

want to buy a flat? If I buy a flat, then

I won't have to pay rent, but then I'll be

stuck in the flat. It'd be stupid to buy a

flat and and then travel to Japan,

wouldn't it? So I don't think buying a

flat and settling down now is a great

idea. Maybe when I'm 40, that could be an

option. But I could buy a flat and then

rent it on Airbnb and get passive income.

But then it would take like 3 years until

I even make any profit. If I charged

£1,000 rent a month and I bought it for

£50,000, Then it'll take years before I

even get my money back, and then

I probably have to furnish it and then do

some work on it. I don't even know how to

do all this. There's probably loads of

documentation you have to do and

legal stuff.

Oh, thank you, Anus. Come to Morocco. I

don't know, no one from Morocco has

invited me apart from you.

I just don't like the idea of my savings

just disappearing and then I've got a

flat, but that would be nice to be making

£1,000 a month from passive income, but

then I have to manage it and sort it all

out. Sounds like a lot

Hmm, be so

great if I could just make money.

By renting out flats.

It sounds like a lot of hard work. I don't

even have any idea how to do it.

The letting agency does that, so I can

just get some agency to manage it for me.

Maybe I need to look into it more, but it

does sound like an interesting way to make

money. It'd be so nice if I didn't have to

rely on YouTube and making videos to make

money. If I just had money coming in from

my properties, that'd be so good.

But what if I get bad tenants and they

wreck the place? And then what

if I'm in Japan traveling and then the

place gets wrecked? How would I sort it

out? I'd have to go home.

I don't know. I don't like the idea of

buying a properties or physical things as

investments. YouTube and OnlyFans is great

because it's all online.

Do you have enough money to buy a flat

outright without mortgage? Yeah, I do. I

can buy a flat in town.

I could buy a car as well. I was thinking

about getting a car and then practice

driving it in the driveway.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I

feel like I can do anything, but I don't

know what to do or what I should do. What

should I do with my money?

I feel like using the money to travel.

And vlog stuff could also be seen

as an investment, but only if the video

racks up views over time.

But I need to do like travel vlogger

stuff, like $10 a night beach hut in

Thailand, which is what I was hoping to do

with Mila.

Maybe I'll just go and do it by myself.

It just sounds kind of depressing being in

a beach hut in Thailand all by myself

masturbating on the beach. If I do that

stuff, I want to go with a girlfriend,

you know, not by myself like a loner.

Really don't know what to do.

Japan could be good.

What would I do in Japan though? I guess

I'd do Tinder and then maybe I'd meet Sam

in Tokyo.

Yeah, I just feel like there's too many

options right now. I don't really know

what to do. And I can't get anything done.

It's a stupid lockdown. Why aren't the

dentists opening back up? Why do I have to

wait until July and September to go to the

dentist? And then I can't

do driving lessons because I need to get

my eyes checked again because I need

more powerful glasses. The current ones I

have now, they're not powerful enough and

I can't I can't read the license plate

from a distance.

I thought I might do some driving lessons,

but still, it seems like a lot of money.

It would probably cost me at least £2,000.

To pass, if I even do pass. I'll probably

fail about 5 times, so I probably need a

lot of lessons. So that'd be at least £2K,

maybe £3K on lessons and stuff. And then I

have to buy a car. So much

money.

I don't know, I'd rather use that money to

travel, meet people.

Really, it's— I don't— I'm not interested

in driving because I need to.

Mainly, I'm interested in it as a way of

making myself more attractive as a

I mean, it would be pretty cool if I could

drive to the airport and pick her up and

then drive her back to my place.

It is pretty manly, isn't it?

But really, if it's the type of girl who's

impressed by that kind of stuff, I don't

know if I'd want her anyway.

What if

I get the car anyway and then it doesn't

really make any difference? Then I've just

wasted all this money and I've got a car

and I'm still sad and lonely.

I don't know, I feel like it's not a great

idea.

It's not really necessary.

If I want to meet someone in London, I'll

just get the train. It's not hard.

I wouldn't actually use it because I don't

go anywhere. There's nowhere I want to go.

Everything I want is here in my room.

Yeah, I think I won't learn to drive. It

just seems like a waste of time and money.

So what should I do with my money?

Back to Japan?

Ah, I don't know.

Save it.

Well, I am saving it, but I would like to

use it in some way that would benefit

me. I feel like just having all that money

sitting in the bank doing nothing seems

like a bit of a waste.

I don't know, I wish I could find a way to

make money so I don't have to worry about

my stupid YouTube channel dying all the

Japan has closed its border. I'm not sure

when it's opening because Someone said

she's going there in July,

and then someone else said that Japan

won't be letting tourists in until next

year, so I don't know who to believe.

Eugene said that I could go to Korea,

but then I have to do Quarantine, which

sounds like prison. There's this guide

explaining what happens if you go to Korea

now as a tourist. You get screened and you

get tested at the airport, and then you

have to give them all this information,

and then they take you to like a

hotel/prison, and then you're forced to

stay in there for 14 days. You're not

allowed to leave. They bring you your

meals to your room and then you've got to

pay, I don't know, $2,000 for the whole

thing. So I don't really fancy the idea of

being locked in a hotel room for 2 weeks

in quarantine, but I guess that's

what I would end up doing anyway, just be

sitting in an Airbnb. I don't know if I

really feel like going back to Korea

Yeah, so maybe I'll go to some European

countries like Germany, Spain,

Algeria. I think that's in Europe.

Maybe I need to write this down. Where's

my MS Paint?

Oh, I finished Resident Evil 1 on the

Switch today. It was okay, I guess. I

don't know, I felt like the ending was a

bit pants. They just blow up the mansion

and fly away in a helicopter. That's it.

It was a bit anticlimactic.

I felt like I just wasted a week trying to

finish it. Finish all the stupid puzzles

and then it's just over, and then you feel

like, oh well, that was a big waste of

time. How are you so good looking? Give

tips. Oh, thank you, Alicia. I don't

know, I wash my hair every

day. Every ending of Resident

Evil is the same. Yeah, it's always— it

always ends in a massive explosion and

then they fly away in a helicopter. And

the gameplay is always the same. You're in

some big building and then all the bloody

doors are locked and you gotta find the

keys one by one. Resident Evil 1, it's a

big mansion. Resident Evil 2, it's a

police station.

Pushing statues around, getting the gems,

doing puzzles. I think after

Resident Evil 1, I think I'm just done

with the franchise.

If they brought out Resident Evil 2 on

Switch, I might be tempted.

I wish Jet Set Radio or Metal

Gear Solid would come out on Switch.

That'd be amazing. Amazing.

My plans for my life.

Plans for Life could

be the name of my new life

counseling Company.

Get a job. Even if I got a job, I don't

think I would talk about it. For example,

even if I said, oh, I got a job doing—

making fish and chips, you know, all the

stupid no-life doxxing people would end up

phoning up every single fish and chip shop

in my area trying to find out which one

I'm working at, and then they'll send them

all this weird stuff like, Daniel's a

pedo, Daniel's a rapist. So even if I got

a job and I really seriously wanted to

keep it, I I don't think I'd even talk

about it. I've learned,

I've learned a big lesson recently from

the whole Mila thing, is that when I find

if there's something in my life that's

important to me, I really need to keep it

private and secret because these no-life

doxxing people, they,

they're just relentless.

They would probably just sit there all day

phoning up every single fish and chip shop

trying to find out where I'm working just

so they could try and get me fired.

These people are mentally ill, you know.

They, they message every every single

person who I'm following as friends on

Instagram, so I had to unfollow everyone.

I don't really care because I don't even

talk to those people anymore. They were

just people I used to talk to about 10

years ago,

but they, they message everyone who's

following me, and I've got like 10,000

followers on Instagram, and I chat

regularly to quite a few of them. And they

said some weirdo messaged them, and it's

always the same weirdo with the same

username trying to ask them about me.

They're just sitting there all day long,

probably going through every single person

who's following me messaging them saying,

oh, you talking to Daniel? Did you know

he's a pedo rapist sexist Nazi?

Oh, thank you, Floor. Very generous.

I actually had a dream about Chihiro a few

nights ago. I went back to her and I got a

fish tank and I got a really big fish. It

was quite nice, actually.

I got a message from someone and they said

they went through those who liked your

photo. Yeah, these people are complete

losers. They're obsessed

with anyone who talks to me or

interacts with me,

and people think I'm mentally ill.

Do I ever miss Chihiro? Yeah, sometimes I

do actually. I was looking on

my picture gallery and I was just

scrolling down, came up— came

across all the photos and videos I took

with her last year.

It did make me feel a bit sad.

I feel like I did have a pretty good thing

in Japan. I had basically everything I

wanted, you know, a nice cheap place to

live, comfy lifestyle.

I had someone to spend my time with and

share my life with, and she was really

great, you know, when it came to YouTube

stuff. She let me film her, she let me

talk about our private life.

She didn't start crying because a bunch of

people were saying mean things about her

online.

I guess I really took that for granted. I

think if I get a new girlfriend, I don't

think I'd ever be able to find a girl who

would let me do that. She even schemed

with me to make videos.

I felt like she was in on it with me. It

was nice. But I just, I don't

know, I just didn't really have strong

feelings for her.

The attraction just wasn't really there

for me. Everything else was perfect.

I think her personality was great, you

know, she was She was not too

outgoing and extroverted,

and she would come home every evening

after work and not spend every night with

her friends all the time.

Yeah, she was a pretty good wife, good

partner. Basically, I would like the same

if I got a new girlfriend.

That would be great, but probably won't,

won't be possible. I don't think I'll be

able to find the same thing again.

When you were 19, how was your average JP

studying day? My average Japanese

studying day? Well, I just studied it all

day long. I'd be listening to anime and

I'd have my textbooks open, watching anime

in the background, and I'd just be

practicing kanji and learning new grammar

words. Then I'd start talking to girls

in the afternoon.

Fangirls kept tempting you. Yeah, and

guess who one of the fangirls tempting me

was?

Mila. You want to know what her first ever

message was to me? 2018, October. You're

weird, you want to cheat. And then she

ditches me because of my cheating history.

I find that kind of ironic.

At the time, I just kind of ignored her

because I was married. I didn't really

have any interest in some random girl from

the Netherlands. And we never spoke

until 2 years later, until I went to

Korea, and then that caught her interest

I don't

really know what she was thinking though,

because she didn't want a relationship

with me because of my past

with cheating, stuff like that, and

because of YouTube drama. Then why did she

come and meet me in the first place? Did

she just want like a short-term fling?

Well, if she just wanted like a casual

short-term thing, then why did she end it?

I mean, I could have gone to the

Netherlands, we could have carried on

having A short-term casual thing.

She didn't want that either. She said

she's not interested in the short-term

casual thing. Then why did you come and

meet me in the first place? I don't get

What was— I don't really know what her

goal was coming to London. Maybe she just

wanted to hang out and wasn't expecting

we'd end up in a hotel.

No, no, that's not true, because even

before she came, she asked me,

can I stay with you?

That's weird, isn't it? I thought it was

weird when she just randomly said, hey,

can I— if I go to London, can I stay with

you? I said, I don't know, we'd have to

meet first.

I don't know. I'm— I don't even know. I

think she doesn't even know what she was

thinking.

And you know what else I started thinking?

You know, her friend allegedly leaked her

Instagram name. What if that

friend was actually her? And she leaked

her own Instagram name because she wanted

followers. And then she realized that a

lot of my viewers are weird stalker creep

doxxing people, and she got those people

instead.

I don't know, it just seems weird. Why

would her friend leak her Instagram?

Wouldn't the friend leak her own Instagram

to get clout for herself?

I don't think— I know I don't think she

was— she was the type to be interested in

clout. I don't know, just saying

everything just seems really fishy about

it. She knew I had history cheating

and I've got all this YouTube drama that

happens all the time.

So if she was interested in a proper

relationship, then she shouldn't have met

me in the first place knowing my history.

So that means she was coming here because

she was bored, wanted like a casual thing,

but then she didn't want a casual thing

anymore, and then she stopped me from

coming to go and see her again. Because

she didn't want a casual thing and she

didn't want a long-term thing because of

my history. Really weird.

And then when she was here, she was all

like, yeah, we should go to Korea

together. We should go here and go there.

Hmm, very strange.

When she said that, I thought, wow, she

must really like me.

And I was happy.

What was I gonna do? Oh yeah, I was gonna

write a plan. So first short-term plan

would be finish digging my hole.

Finish hole.

Then number 2, Germany.

Germany.

Mira came to you for a casual thing and

you went full-on I love her girlfriend

relationship mode and scared her off

because she didn't sign up for that. Did

I? And when she was here, I was like

casual mode. I didn't even mention

anything about relationships. Actually,

it was her who was suggesting things like,

let's go to Korea together. Yeah, I guess

when we were discussing going to Korea

together, I did freak out when she said

she didn't want to live with me, and then

I started with the whole,

I'm looking for a relationship, I don't

want a casual thing. I probably scared

her off by saying that.

I don't know, I just expected we would

live together since we've been living

together here.

I thought it was just assumed that she

would also want to live with me again. I

thought she enjoyed it as much as I did.

I guess not.

If you show a girl too much interest,

she'll start backing off.

I think I showed very little interest when

she was actually here, and then

I guess I did start getting a bit crazy

after the whole living together thing in

Korea. But then I backed off again.

I said, we can take things slowly. Let's

not think about Korea. Let's just think

about meeting in Amsterdam first and see

where it goes. And she was happy with

that. I don't know, then other things

happened and then she changed her mind

Now, I was being careful trying not to

come on too strongly because I didn't want

to seem like I was pressuring her into a

relationship,

but I also didn't want her to feel like I

was just thinking of her as a sex friend

because a lot of people seem to

misunderstand me. A lot of people think I

want an open relationship and I want to

meet a bunch of girls and have sex. I

don't. I want a

normal relationship with someone I like

who likes me and we have

a connection. I'm not interested in just

a bunch of random sex with a bunch of

random people. I want something that means

something meaningful.

I get kind of annoyed. I guess it's my

fault because that's how I portrayed

myself, as being sex obsessed. I'm not

really sex obsessed as much as you may

think. I'm more love obsessed.

It's easy to get sex, you know, I can just

go and pay for it. I'm not interested

in just sex.

I want a partner, really,

to do stuff with, like to travel with.

To enjoy each other's company.

Why did I cheat so much? I guess it's

because I didn't really have strong

feelings for my wife and I felt bored.

But you know, that was Chihiro,

so that's a different person. I don't

think I would cheat if I

was with someone who I had real feelings

for.

But then I kind of realized that the

cheating didn't make me happier at all.

Actually, it kind of made me less happy.

I felt like I was risking my marriage just

for something kind of stupid.

And I guess I was younger as well. I was

still in that phase where, where I was,

you know, I couldn't keep it in my pants.

The problem is I got married too soon.

I got married a few months after I just

discovered Tinder and sleeping around,

and I hadn't gotten that out of my system

I guess most guys get that out of their

system when they're in their early 20s,

when they do that clubbing stuff, but I

never did that. It took me a long time

until I started doing all the Tinder

hookup stuff.

But I do feel like that's not really

what I want to do in life. Just random

hookups all the time. I'd rather have

something meaningful.

You got married out of convenience? No, I

think I got married out of fear.

Fear that my life wasn't going anywhere

and that was the best I could get. Fear

and settling, I think, was why I got

The whole not filming the girl and not

talking about her is kind of tough for me.

If she looks cute, I kind of want to show

her off, you know, like take pictures

together, put it on Instagram.

I guess I have to keep it private if I

don't want to lose her again.

But I really liked making videos with Mina

because— I don't know, I guess I

felt proud because I thought she was

really pretty and I wanted to show her

off, I guess.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I don't know,

it sounds like a bad thing. Like— like I'm

showing off some objects that I've won.

I also felt different when I was outside

in public with her. Like, I felt— I felt

good. Whereas in the past, when I had fat

and old girlfriends, I always felt kind of

embarrassed to go outside in public with

them. That probably sounds bad.

I guess next time I should keep her

secret.

Just kind of sucks because I like sharing

what I'm doing online. I like taking

pictures.

I find it difficult to keep stuff to

myself.

Well, I don't even know how much of a

difference it would have made. Even if I

kept her secret, she probably still would

have changed her mind. I don't think that

was the only problem. There's probably a

load of other problems. Well, there were.

I thought she would be fine with it

because I asked her and she said, sure,

you can film me, I don't mind.

Can we stop talking about Mina?

Well, I don't really know what else to

talk about. I haven't been doing anything.

I've just been digging my hole,

trying to think about what to do.

Skincare routine? I don't have a skincare

routine. My skin's bad. That's why I have

a red light, so you can't see my pimples.

Mila said to stop talking about her.

Yeah, she did, didn't she? I'm not doing a

very good job of not talking about her.

How can I not talk about something that's

just on my mind every single day of every

single second?

I think I did a pretty good job of not

talking about her before she ended it.

But now I feel I've got nothing to lose,

so why not?

When, when we were still planning to meet

up, I didn't say a word about her. Didn't

make any videos, didn't talk, didn't do

any streams talking about her.

I think I could keep it a secret if

I had to. She didn't think I could keep it

secret. She said You won't be able to keep

it secret forever. I don't know.

I'd give it my best shot.

It's just hard not to talk about it. I

feel like it's had such a big impact on

me.

Yeah, well, you'll see because you won't

even know about the next girl, and then

we'll see who can and cannot keep secrets.

When I go to Germany, you won't even know

why.

You won't even see her.

I'm going because I love the culture.

I love the culture and the language and

the food's so good. I want some German

food. I don't even know any kind of German

food. I want some pretzels.

I'm going to learn about the culture.

Who's in Germany? A big fat German guy who

paid me €1,000 to suck my dick. That's

what I'll make, a fake gay story.

Yeah, then we'll see who's good at keeping

secrets. I have 10

secret girls in each country.

Do not challenge me.

By the way, there's loads of girls I

haven't even talked about.

So yeah, I can keep a secret actually.

There's probably at least 10 That I never

said anything about, mainly because it's

boring, not worth mentioning, and it'd

probably cause me problems if I did

mention it. Holy shit, Chihiro would go

mental.

They went quiet, didn't they? Hong Kong

guy and Chihiro.

It's been How long? Nearly 2 months now

since they did those livestreams. I knew

they would stop. I knew they wouldn't

carry on doing it. They got bored. They

fed— they got fed up.

Thank God for that. It was pissing me off

Your best chance of getting and keeping a

great girl is to work on yourself, love

yourself, be cool with being alone. But I

hate being alone. It really sucks. Well,

it depends. There's certain things I like

doing alone, you know, like having a poo,

playing Rainbow Six, making a video.

Doing a livestream, that's when I like

being alone. But when I'm not doing those

things, it, it's nice to have company,

nice to have someone to talk to, nice to

have someone who comes to find me and

gives me a hug and says, let's go on a

walk and hold hands.

Why do I have to accept being alone?

I don't want to be alone.

Why am I expected to just accept being

alone? That's— being alone is shit.

Oh, thank you, Tech Review.

The best times in my life was when I was

with someone and doing— making memories

with another person, not when I was

sitting in my room all by myself.

Watching anime. Those aren't the memories

I look back on with fondness. I look back

on the times when I was with people that I

liked, having a great time.

Learning to love yourself.

Well, I don't hate myself.

Why do people think I don't love myself?

I made a whole YouTube channel dedicated

to myself, didn't I? If I hated myself so

much, I wouldn't even dare broadcast

myself onto the internet, would I?

You don't love yourself if you can't stand

being alone.

But why?

I don't hate being alone because I hate my

own company. I hate being alone because

I like having someone else's company with

me. It's not because I don't enjoy my own

company. How do I enjoy

my own company? That's like saying there's

2 versions of me. I am me. I am myself.

How do I enjoy myself?

There's I and myself, like you're saying

there's 2 of me. I'm the same person. I am

me.

I do enjoy my own company, you know,

sit around, pick my nose, play Rainbow

Six, laugh at funny things I think of.

I enjoy my own company more than anyone

else because I can just relax and be

myself. Don't understand that point. I

don't hate being me because I am me. I

can't leave myself.

I don't like that point. Doesn't make any

You're just saying pretentious sounding

stuff doesn't make any sense.

I don't hate being alone because I hate

myself. I hate being alone because it's

boring,

but it doesn't mean that I would just

want to be with anyone. Like, some people

are annoying to be with, and I'd rather be

alone. I'd rather be alone than be with

the Hong Kong guy.

It depends on who I'm with.

I find most people annoying. That's why I

don't have any friends.

So in that sense, yeah, I do prefer my own

company, but it would be nice to have

someone else.

I don't want to be 100% alone, but then I

also don't want to be 100% stuck with

someone.

I think it was perfect with Chihiro.

She was there, but she wasn't always

there. She went to work. I had my alone

times to work on my YouTube channel, and

then I'd finish making a video or

streaming, then she'd come home, and then

I'd have someone to spend the evening

with. That was perfect,

perfect balance.

You didn't even talk to her. Well,

I don't have to talk to her to enjoy her

company. Her just being there in the

background is enough, really.

It's not like I want to sit there having

deep philosophical conversation every

night. Her just existing is fine.

Me and Mila didn't really talk much

either. We'd just sit there watching

Netflix, cuddling, and that

was great. I thought that was— that was

all I wanted, really. I didn't really feel

like I really wanted to talk nonstop about

deep things. I'm not really much of a deep

philosophical person.

If I want to talk about things, I'd rather

just do a livestream, to be honest,

instead of talking to someone.

Hmm, I don't know.

There's not really things that I really

want to talk about with someone.

There's not really a lot happening in my

mind most of the time. It's usually just,

I wonder what video I can make. Next time.

Usually I'm just thinking about what

videos to make.

I'm not really interested in talking to

people about that.

Chihiro didn't marry just for you to exist

in her house playing Rainbow Six. Yeah,

and that's why she got fed up, because we

didn't, we didn't talk or connect or do

anything. And yeah,

that was my fault because I wasn't

interested in doing anything.

Chihiro's face right now when she's

watching Daniel saying she was perfect.

I think the life situation was perfect.

I would love that again, but with someone

I felt attracted to.

Have you ever had a deep conversation with

I don't think so.

Maybe my sister?

I'm not really that interested in having

deep conversations.

I'm just not a very deep person, I guess.

You know, I just accept the world for what

it is, and I don't ask too many questions.