Muffin Burger And Vietnamese Rolls (Non Angry Stream)

Oh, thank you, Oliver. Something healthy

today. Yeah, this is healthy, but this

burger's not so healthy.

Stupid crows! Oh wait, this is a non-angry

stream. That doesn't count.

Ignore that.

Today is a non-angry day.

I just ordered myself something very

special from Amazon. I can't

wait. No, it's not a sex doll.

I ordered a few gifts off Amazon.

I would have liked to have done an

unboxing tomorrow, but my wife said day

off So I guess I could stream when she's

here, but then it would be weird. And

she's sick, so I don't think we're going

anywhere.

Boring. Can't stream, can't go anywhere,

can't have sex.

I ordered a Microsoft Surface Pro,

and I also got the Apple AirPods.

Do you like it where the camera's zoomed

in or when it's wide?

I'm not sure why I got AirPods because I

don't really go out anyway. It would be

good to have AirPods if I was a type of

person who kept going outside and I

listened to music a lot.

This is a muffin burger.

This is quite interesting, never seen this

before. They call it a Hamburg muffin,

cheese and tomato onion sauce. It's a

burger in a muffin, pretty cool.

It says 25 seconds in the microwave.

That's how long I'll put it in.

Oh, she keeps unplugging the microwave.

1, 2, 3,

4, 5, 6,

7, 8, 9,

10, 11, 12, 13,

14, 15. That should

be fine.

It says 25 seconds for a 500-watt

microwave, but ours is 700, so it doesn't

need to be in for so long.

I wanted to get a sex doll, but she won't

let me. She said she doesn't want me to

get a big sex doll because last time she

had to dispose of my other sex doll.

And then I said, why are you worried about

disposing of it? Do you think I'm gonna

run away again? She said she doesn't know

what's gonna happen.

I want to get a big full-bodied sex doll

with a big thick

ass and big boobs and a cute face.

She said I can get a torso one like the

one before, but not, not a big one. So I'm

not sure now. The difference is,

okay, I've Found out something good

recently, a new way of using the iPad.

It's pretty nice watching porn on the iPad

when you're lying down on your stomach and

you've got something in between your legs,

and then you're watching it like this,

and then you use your hips to hump instead

of your hands. And I'm thinking it would

be nice if I had— doesn't even have to be

a big one, it can be like a torso-sized

one. Instead of a pillow, I can put

that and hump that whilst holding the iPad

like this, watching you know what.

Oh, hello, Puffy. Thank you.

This is from Fresh from the Lawson Bakery.

It's so funny, a convenience store calling

themselves a bakery. It's like McDonald's

calling themselves a restaurant.

The other problem is I don't want to spend

thousands of dollars on a sex doll when I

don't know if we're gonna stay together.

I still haven't got my spouse visa.

I don't want to spend $2,000 on something

and then I have to leave it here. I can't

take it with me. Let's get a fork.

It's just weird McDonald's calling

themselves a restaurant. I know

technically they are a restaurant, but

it's just weird. It doesn't suit them.

It's like me calling myself a mukbang

YouTuber.

Let's see what this muffin burger tastes

Doesn't look like a proper burger.

Um,

it's okay.

The burger tastes like that microwave

plastic thing that I deep fried,

remember?

It's okay, I guess.

It's a bit cold.

I don't think I microwaved it long enough.

It's a bit cold in the middle.

It's not bad. I like the muffin. Yeah, it

would taste, taste better if you got rid

of the meat and you put in a proper

burger.

Get rid of this burger, get a proper beef

burger, put it inside of the muffin, and

then we're talking. Look at that.

You know what's sad?

I make more money from doing these mukbang

streams than my video where I talk about

how much I hate mukbang.

That's ironic.

Well, if you can't beat them, join them.

It'd be so cool if I could tell people my

job is eating lunch live

on YouTube.

I guess it is kind of like my job, isn't

I saw Ben Dean copying Philip Solo now.

His latest video, what was it? The best

burger reviewing, trying out the best

reviewed burger in my city. Oh,

it's okay when Ben Dean rips other people

off. When I do it, everyone says, oh,

he's out of content, he's copying people

Maybe I'll do staying at the best reviewed

love hotel in my city.

I looked for a few love hotels nearby and

there's a weird-looking one down the

street. I might go there. I could title

it, staying at the weirdest love hotel in

but then I have to pay for it and go all

the way there.

Look, there's mayonnaise as well.

It doesn't taste like meat, it just tastes

like Play-Doh. There's no meat

texture, it's just like a squidgy lump.

My wife got sick again. She's always

getting sick.

I haven't gotten sick once this year.

Fingers crossed, hopefully I don't get it

from her!

Meal number 2!

My second channel is doing quite well

actually. I'm making about $60

a month on it just from making videos

about my iPad. I'm going to turn it into a

tech channel and then I'll compare the

Surface Pro with the iPad Pro.

Who's that? This is what

I hate about Japan. Can you hear

that?

Some kind of politician.

She better not dox me.

Kyokanto. What's that? The Communist

Party? That's the Communist Party, isn't

it? Kyokanto.

Fuck off, Communist Party.

Communist Party's driving up and down my

street blasting out propaganda.

At least they don't do that in England.

I'm not sure, actually. Maybe they do.

They don't do it in Harrogate.

It's so noisy here. There's construction,

there's a plane, there's helicopters,

there's politicians with their megaphones.

How am I supposed to concentrate on my

If you think my

videos haven't been very good recently,

that's why, because I can't concentrate.

How am I supposed to make good content

when I'm getting interrupted every 5

minutes?

It's hard to be creative when you can't

even think. All you can hear are drill

sounds and aeroplane sounds.

You can't make good content because your

life isn't interesting anymore. When was

it ever interesting? My life is exactly

the same as it was since ever.

This is what I do in my life. I find

somewhere to live and then I play games

and I don't do anything. Saying anymore

implies that my life was interesting at

one point, which is wrong.

My life was never interesting. Nothing has

changed.

The only time I get more views is when I'm

moving. Uh, just spat on my phone. The

only time I got more views is when I was

moving from one place to another, either

to a hotel or back home or back to Japan

or to Germany. Every time I settled in one

place, then the views start to drop.

Bet you anything if I suddenly went to

Thailand tomorrow, made a video, first day

in Thailand, boom, 40K views.

Well, I'm so sorry that my life isn't

interesting.

Most people's lives aren't interesting.

This is what most people do.

As if Ben Dean's life is interesting. He

just eats pizza.

And then he has a mental breakdown and

stops making videos for a month. At least

I consistently upload even when I'm

depressed. Look at Ben,

he doesn't make any videos for 4 weeks

because he was having a midlife crisis.

At least I consistently upload even when I

feel like crap. No one appreciates

me.

The last one.

It's a bit big. I might cut it in half.

I'm not sure if I should do my Microsoft

Surface Pro unboxing and review on my main

channel or my second channel. Main channel

would probably get, probably get 10K

views, and second channel

probably get 1K. Oh, now I've made a mess.

I'll probably use it for a few weeks,

make a bunch of videos about it. Compare

it to my iPad and then send it back to

Amazon. I don't think I'm going to like

it more than my iPad. I think the iPad is

still going to be my favorite,

but if I do like the Surface more than the

iPad, then I could give the iPad to my

wife.

Whoa, that's me!

Why did it suddenly change? I hate it when

it does that.

Stupid camera.

Did I already buy this Surface? Um, I

ordered it. It's coming tomorrow. I'm very

excited. Should I wait until Monday

to unbox it? I think I should

wait until Monday to unbox it. I'll do it

live. Should I do it live or should I do

it as a video? I'm not

sure now. It would be fun to do live,

but then it would also be nice to just

have a 10-minute video to upload onto the

main channel.

Should I get a sex doll? I can't decide if

I want to buy a sex doll or not. It'll be

quite fun, I guess. It's not like I'm

doing anything else.

The problem with the sex doll is before,

when I had one, it was fun to use the

first couple of times, but then I started

to get lazy.

I started to get lazy and I stopped using

it because, you know, when you feel horny

and you're lying in bed, you just want to

do it quickly, don't you? You don't want

to get out of bed, take out the box, take

it out of the box, carry it over to the

bed, lube up. Such a pain.

And then after you finish, you have to

wash it and then put it back in the box

and then put the box back into the closet.

If you just do it with your hand, all you

need is a tissue to wipe up after.

But then when you are feeling in the mood

for it, it is quite fun having a a

full-size pair of buttocks to

pound on.

I'm not sure. They're not that expensive.

They're only about $100 to $150 for the

I wouldn't mind getting one that has legs.

The other thing I'm worried about is if

it's so heavy, how's the Amazon delivery

guy going to bring it up? What if I need

to go down and help him? That would be

weird because the Amazon guy that

delivers here, he's not a young guy. He's

like this small guy, small fat old guy.

Maybe he's strong. Maybe he's got a lot of

muscle. Maybe he's packing some guns.

I don't want to get the same thing though.

I want to get something different this

time. I want to get At least a half-size

doll with legs or a full-size doll. I

said, you won't even know that the doll's

here. I'll put it underneath the bed. And

then she said, no, I don't want a doll

because I'll have to get rid of it if you

leave again. I said, just cut it up into

pieces like you're disposing a body.

The full-size one must weigh a ton. I

think it weighs about 40 kg.

What would, what would you do if your

partner had a sex doll and then he just

suddenly left and you had to get rid of

it? How would you do it?

I guess you— the best way would be to cut

it into pieces and

then put it into black bin

bags and then

take it out at night and chuck it

somewhere, chuck it into someone else's

So tomorrow should be fun trying out my

new Surface Pro.

I'm not sure how different it's going to

be to the iPad. I guess it'll

just be like a laptop. But as a tablet.

Can I save live streams for you to watch

later? I'm not sure because sometimes I

say naughty things in live streams. And I

get a bit worried that it would get me

into trouble. You know, like yesterday I

was talking about aeroplanes and

people's corpses exploding.

I said to my wife, it's better that I

get a sex doll. It's better than me going

to Tobita Shinchi or going onto Tinder,

isn't it?

Why does he need the doll when he has a

wife? Because she's not here,

she's at work, and I get bored and I want

a bit of variety, you know, even if it's a

doll, even if it's not real.

I'm a very sexual person and It's

a bit boring being limited to only one

person, so I thought the sex doll would be

a good idea.

I'm just not sure about it. I can't

justify the price.

You can wait for her to come home.

Usually when she comes home, I'm not in

the mood. I'm usually in the mood around

now.

Oh,

it'd be so great if my second channel took

off. I would so much

rather do a tech channel than this kind of

drama-ish channel. I don't even know what

to make of my channel anymore now that I

don't have drama. What am I supposed to

make? What did I used to make? I used to

make stuff like— I used to tell stories,

didn't I, from my past?

And I used to rant about things. Oh look,

this is interesting. So, Jesus. Look, I

made this video called Bullying and

I uploaded yesterday and the title was I

Was Bullied at School. It got demonetized,

so I requested a manual review, waited for

the next day, woke up this morning

expecting it to be green. Guess what? It

was yellow and it said confirmed by manual

review not suitable for advertisements—

advertisers. It's so weird, isn't it? I'm

just talking about bullying, nothing

sexual. Apparently talking about bullying

is against— not against the rules, but you

can't get monetized by talking about

bullying. So guess what I did? I edited it

and I, I muted the sound every time I said

the word bullying because it was getting

automatically demonetized instantly. So I

knew that there was something in the video

that was triggering the AI. And guess

what? It's green. Look, it's green

now. So I'm going to try— I

changed the title to Everyone at School

Hated Me because you put bullied into the

title and it gets demonetized as well.

And I also made a video about paying

for sex, and I just changed sex

to cereal, and now it's green. So

hopefully I can upload that and it stays

green, where I talk about my experiences

paying for sex.

So stupid you can't monetize. It's weird

because last year I made a video about

bullying and it was monetized.

Don't know if anyone remembers.

So it's going to be interesting to see if

I can keep that that new bullying video

monetized. I even did a nice drawing for

it. I just muted the word bullying every

time, and now it's green.

I said the word bullying, bullied about 20

times.

And I made one about apple milk, and that

got demonetized as well, but it got

approved for monetization after I

requested a review, so that's going to go

up tonight. I think it's a good video. I

was genuinely interested in, in talking

about her. Visually, the video is not

good. It's just a picture of her face. I

didn't know what to do for the visuals.

I don't think the visuals really matter.

The thing that's important is what I'm

saying. It's not really much I can do for

the visuals. I watched other commentary

channels, and what they do is they just

have random pictures and footage.

I don't see the point.

So yeah, I've been having a lot of

problems with monetization recently.

I think they are afraid someone will

upload a suicide caused by bullying.

Yeah, I think they're worried about all of

the Suicide stuff and depression stuff,

bullying stuff.

I remember Boogie was complaining because

he made a video trying to help people who

are thinking of suicide and his video got

demonetized. Yeah, you can't talk about

suicide and expect to have ads on it

unless you said Sew a cereal?

That might work. I was thinking of putting

a code word for bullying, like boo-booed,

but I just left it muted. I think people

can understand what I'm saying. Every time

there's a blank and there's no sound,

that means I said the word bullying. I

think people would be able to understand

what I'm saying.

I mainly just put a couple pictures of her

face. I put some screenshots of her

Twitter, some screenshots of her channel.

Didn't really know what else to do.

I called it The Rise and Fall of a

Weeb. I think it's quite a good title.

I put some pictures of her Social Blade as

well. Wouldn't it be so great if she just

suddenly come— came back after how long?

It's been 6 years since her last upload.

Be so funny if she just suddenly came back

and she— maybe she has kids now.

There's that other guy, that New Zealand

guy, actor Tom. He used to make videos

about Japan. He was quite— not very

popular. He only had about 11K subs.

He suddenly came back after about 10 years

and he made an update video saying he got

married and has kids now. Okay,

so weird when you have such a big gap in

between uploads. One minute they're just

young adults in Japan trying to find their

life, and then they're upload 10 years

later, they're married, have kids.

I guess that's what life is all about.

You get married, have kids, then you die.

I wonder if the bullying video will stay

monetized. I think Everyone at School

Hated Me might be a good title, and then

people can go in the comments, oh yeah,

well now everyone on YouTube hates you. I

lost a lot of subs after my last video,

the one about types of foreigners I don't

like in Japan. I lost about 50.

I don't care anymore.

It's not like having more subs equals more

views. I was getting more views last year

when I had half the subs.

Go out, buy clothes, do a clothing

overhaul like you did that one time.

Yeah, that one did pretty well, 90k views.

My wife bought my outfit or something.

I don't know, I feel like people don't

care about my wife anymore. Those ones

last year with my wife all had a lot of

views because people were interested in my

wife. But now my wife isn't really a

mystery anymore. Everyone knows what she

looks like, everyone knows what she's

like. People are tired of her, just like

they're tired of me. People get tired very

quickly, don't they?

Unless you're some kind of amazingly

good-looking person or amazingly nice

person or amazingly entertaining person.

If you're not any of the 3, then they'll

just get bored of you. That's why I'm kind

of screwed, because I'm not amazingly

good-looking, I'm not really nice, and I'm

not amazingly funny or entertaining. So

I'm fucked as a YouTuber, basically.

I can't rely on my good looks, I can't

rely on my personality, I can't rely on my

wit. I don't have any of them. So

basically I have to rely on either other

things, or weird things happening to me,

or just bashing someone like other

I used to think I was pretty good-looking,

honestly. When I was about 20, I used to

look in the mirror and think, wow, I'm

actually pretty good-looking. Then around

the age of 26-ish, I started to realize my

face looks weird. And then now I, I think

I'm not very good looking. I don't like

showing my face.

I think Nobita is better looking than me.

Not— okay, if you get rid of Nobita's

moles, ignore his moles, he has

a nice symmetrical face. He has a nice

slim nose. He has full lips.

He's not a bad looking guy. I don't know

why people keep saying he's ugly. He just

needs to make his hair look a bit less

messy. He does that weird center

parting, which looks kind of lame.

It's hard being entertaining, you know.

Not everyone's entertaining. If everyone

was entertaining, then people wouldn't

turn to TV or YouTube to be entertained.

They'll just go outside and get

I think my videos were funnier back when I

wasn't trying to be funny. I think what

happened was I was just making videos

naturally without trying to be anything,

without trying to be funny, without trying

to be witty. But for some reason, people

found them funny anyway, and I thought,

hey, people find my stuff funny. That's

pretty cool. Maybe I should put more

effort into trying to be funny. And then I

tried to be more funny and it didn't

really work.

Instead, I became irritating. It's funny

because when I'm trying to be funny, I end

up just irritating people instead of

making them laugh.

Oh well.

I think I was the best version of me 2017

when I was just being natural. It's hard

to be natural now.

I don't know why, but I, I found it

difficult to just be natural.

I feel quite natural now because it's a

livestream, but when I'm making a video,

I feel, I feel like it's difficult to just

be natural, just be me. I feel like I'm

doing some kind of act, you know, like,

hey guys, my name's Daniel and I live in

Japan. I feel like I'm rehearsing

something, like I'm acting out something

that's not me,

and I'm not sure why.

I think it's when I started to get lots of

views. I felt like there was this pressure

to try and be more entertaining and be

more interesting instead of just being

myself.

So I would say a lot of stupid things on

purpose to try and get a reaction out of

people,

whereas before I didn't say shocking

things or dumb things to try and get a

reaction. I just said what was on my mind

or what was relevant to the story.

Because there's this pressure, you want to

keep people interested, and then you get

worried that people are going to get

bored, so you start saying and doing silly

stuff hoping to keep people interested,

but then they lose interest anyway.

Where did it all go wrong?

The problem is I don't really have

anything to talk about. Nowadays,

I've only had a few experiences.

A couple exes here, met some

people in a guest house. I can't just keep

repeating the same stories over and over

again, but those are all the stories I

I don't really do much, so there's not

really much to talk about. If I was a

really active person, there'd be lots to

talk about. If I was working and part of a

company, or if I was part of some kind of

club, or if I had a group of friends and

we did stuff, did activities, I guess

then I'd have plenty to talk about.

The problem is there's not really anything

I want to do. There's nothing that's

interesting to me.

There's nothing I want to do apart

from sex.

I wish I wanted to do everything.

Hmm, I kind of have done everything.

Tried photography, tried cooking,

tried Tried coding, tried learning

languages, tried art, tried learning the

piano. I tried dating

on Tinder. I tried making friends at guest

houses, visited a bunch of countries.

I feel like I'm done in life, you know.

I've done everything.

What else is there? I guess having kids

would be next. Maybe I should have kids.

If I

had kids, then I'd have lots of things to

talk about. My wife's pregnant.

Um, my wife gave birth to

a baby boy.

What else? Difficulties of being a father.

5 things I realized about being a

father. Why I hate my son.

My son is a failure.

Imagine I'm— imagine I'm 650— no,

imagine I'm 45 years old and I have a son

and he's like 20 or 18 and then he's gay.

My next video: my son's gay,

what should I do?

My wife— my, my son got married to

a porn star.

Can you imagine having me as your dad when

I make videos exposing everything about

you? Okay, that sounds a bit evil,

doesn't it? My daughter had her first

period and then I take a picture of it,

put it on Discord. Okay, maybe I

shouldn't have kids.

It's just so tempting to make videos about

your kids though.

Or I could do livestreams and then I'd say

if I don't get donations then baby Daniel

doesn't get fed.

I don't know if I want kids. Doesn't

really interest me. Sometimes when I'm

walking in the supermarket And I see a

single mother, and then she has a bunch of

kids following her. Sometimes I walk

alongside them, and then I pretend— I

imagine— well, I imagine myself as the

father, and I pretend they're my family,

and I'd walk alongside them imagining

that they're my kids. And it feels kind of

nice, actually. I feel like, oh, my

family, look what I did, look what I made.

Some of those single mothers, they're

pretty hot. I went to the supermarket and

you see these Japanese women with kids.

They're slim, they're feminine, they got

big boobs. Imagine the guy who's

married to them, and I think, wow, lucky

guy gets to pound that every night.

Some of these single mothers pretty hot.

You can tell why they're mothers now.

Obviously they're going to be mothers when

they're that hot. Someone's going to put a

baby in them. If someone didn't put a baby

in them, it'd be a waste. What's the

point of being hot if you're not going to

carry your genes on? Ugly people should

just not have babies. I'm not very

attractive, so maybe I shouldn't have

babies. I might make an ugly baby, and

then my ugly baby will just make someone

disappointed in the future.

All us ugly people should be shipped off

to the ugly land of ugliness where we can

just have sex but not have babies,

and then the, the attractive people, they

should pay for us so we don't have to

work. The attractive people, they can make

the babies and do the work. Us ugly people

will get sent off to Ugly Island where we

can just fuck and lie around eating.

Sometimes I think, wouldn't it be— it

wouldn't be that bad if you were just

livestock. Yeah, they're gonna get eaten,

but then they get everything provided for

them. They don't have to worry about

anything. They get fed, they get

sheltered. I wouldn't mind being livestock

if you said, okay Daniel, you can live

until the age of 30 and we'll give you

food and shelter and everything. You won't

have to do anything, but we're gonna eat

you when you're 30. I'd say,

okay, sounds good to me.

Who else wouldn't mind that? Okay, maybe

35. 30 is a bit early, but then after

35 you might be past your prime for

meat.

Oh, thank you, polite fan. Thank you

for your politeness.

Obviously I wouldn't want to be a battery

chicken. I want to be free-range. I want

to be a free-range chicken. Who gets to

roam around laying eggs, and I have

everything provided for me, and I'm

protected, but I get eaten.

Doesn't sound like a bad deal.

Uh-oh, £1,000.

I just spent £1,000.

Well, I spent, I spent £800 on the

Microsoft Surface and I spent £130 on the

AirPods and I could give them to my wife.

Hey, why don't I give them to my wife as a

video? I could title it buying my wife

AirPods for her birthday present, even

though it's not her birthday.

Buying my wife— I spent £1,000 on

presents for my wife. How about that?

And then I'll take it back and then it'll

be me using it. Hey, she's, she's home

tomorrow, so I could film her unboxing it

and then I'll just, just title it buying—

what should I title it, guys? Give me

clickbait ideas. Oh, thank you, Paris

Hilton. Shave my legs?

But my legs are hairy and manly. Guys,

give me ideas. So where's

my iPad? Come on, let's brainstorm some

clickbait. Get this shit

flowing. Let's be productive.

This is why I want to get a stand,

because Because I have to put my stupid

Help me save my dying channel.

Needs to take the Rachel and Jun route

first. I'll do homemade presents, and then

maybe I should give her the AirPods. I

don't need the AirPods really. I don't go

anywhere. Okay,

so we need some Title ideas.

Number 1,

I spent £1,000. I think putting the amount

of money I spent into the title would be

a good idea, so I could put spending

£1,000 on my

wife. That's quite

a good one. Or number 2, I spent £1,000

on my wife.

Um, how about wedding anniversary? It's

not really our wedding anniversary. I

don't think anyone remembers. Who here

remembers when we got married?

Bet you don't even remember spending

£1,000 on our

wedding anniversary. No, spending £1,000

on my wife. Wait, it's the same as the

one above. On my wife for As—

ah, I can't think. Spending £1,000

on my wife.

Oh, thank you, polite fan. You have been

amusing me for quite a while.

You're welcome.

Spending £1,000 on my wife.

In order to get views on my dying YouTube

channel. Spending £1,000

on my wife for our— where's

my pen— for our wedding anniversary.

It's a bit long. Spending £1,000 on my

wife for our wedding anniversary. Let me

check YouTube. Maybe someone else has a

better title.

Put wife presents wedding anniversary,

10 affordable gift ideas.

No, I don't want gift. Jesus Christ, look

at that thumbnail. It's a muscular man

with a woman riding him and his hands are

clenching her thick buttocks.

No, I don't like the anniversary idea.

It's kind of cringy. I want

to Change. Sometimes the double tap

doesn't work.

Uh, spending £1,000.

I'm not sure about this.

Spending. I spent £1,000

on sex.

It's not actually— it's not, it's not

actually false. I spent a lot more than

that on sex. Probably spent

over £2,000 on prostitutes by now.

I should have just used my hand. What a

waste of money. I spent £1,000 on gifts

for my wife.

How about that? Which one do you like?

Which one would you click on? Spending

£1,000 on my wife. I spent on gifts for my

Buying her useless crap she doesn't

actually want so I can use it. No, she

does want AirPods. She told me before she

wanted AirPods for her birthday

present, but that was— but then I, I left

her. I left her right before her birthday

and before our marriage wedding

anniversary. So I didn't have to buy her

any gifts. I'm a fucking genius.

See, no one noticed it, did they? I left.

I left her to get divorced straight before

her birthday and right

before our marriage anniversary. One year.

Also, this is. I'm a genius, aren't I? I

swear I didn't plan all this, but it's all

just. Fallen together perfectly. With the

whole divorce thing, I managed to get

myself out of having to meet her family

because now they don't like me and they

don't know that we're back together. I

also got myself out of having to buy her a

birthday present, and I also got myself

out of having to do anything for our

anniversary marriage. Freaking genius.

Plus, I made a shitload of money on all

of that Uh, content. Marriage, divorce,

getting back together. That got good

views. I was getting like 40K views every

time, $200 each video. You should

have seen how much ad revenue I got in

March and April. It was nuts. Oh,

thank you, Kathleen. Show more tingers.

Why do they call them tingers?

Freaking genius.

Plus I got to have sex with about 4

different girls. That was good,

wasn't it? I planned that really well. I

didn't plan it, but it all just came

together really well. So you look at— you

add it all up, what did I get out of the

whole experience? Number one, I got

divorce content.

I got divorce content which gave me 40K

views every video.

I banged a couple girls in Germany,

Germany and London.

Bang girls Germany and London.

Avoided meeting wife's

family, and I

avoided her birthday

and our wedding anniversary.

Boom, boom, boom, boom!

What you think? Why I

am a masterful genius.

Oh, thank you, Super Bros. No,

I don't want to show my toes. People make

fun of them. I keep saying that they look

like fingers.

I had sex with this Eastern European girl

prostitute in Germany. She had hairy

legs and a hairy anus,

and it was like a cactus. It was all

prickly, and she had tattoos all on her

back and her arm, and We

did doggy style, and then she reached

under and she was rubbing my ballsack,

and then she said my dick was big.

And then people say, oh, she's only saying

that because she's a prostitute. She's

not. She doesn't have to say that. It's

not like she's getting paid to say that.

If she didn't think that, why would she

say that? And then she said, have a nice

life, bye. And then she, she patted my

head and she rubbed the side of my face

with her hand. She looks really depressed.

I looked at her face and then she just

looked dead inside, like her eyes— she had

those dead inside eyes like this.

And then she made me pay €50 for her taxi.

We agreed to, to €250 for

an hour, and then she arrives and she

says, oh, I need another €50 for the taxi,

and then she leaves after only 30 minutes

because we didn't do it for an hour.

But the good thing was she wasn't fat.

She was— she had a nice figure, nice slim

figure, unlike those Japanese ones, all

fatties. Rip me off. What a con. They put

those pictures on the website and they're

all slim, so you think, oh, I'm getting a

nice slim girl. They show up at your hotel

room and they're a bunch of fatties,

really chubby. And then I had to pay

anyway because what am I gonna do? I'm not

gonna say, sorry, you're too fat, go away.

I'm not that kind of person. I'm nice.

You know, everyone says I'm a jerk. I

think you're wrong. I'm really nice. I'd

never say anything rude to you to your

face. I always consider

other people's feelings. I'm not rude.

I'm always quiet, and I think about my

surroundings, and I think about the people

around me. And then people keep saying I'm

a jerk when actually I'm a very nice

person in real life. On the internet,

well, that's different. The internet's the

internet. What happens on the

internet stays on the internet. There's no

link between the internet and the real

world. That we could be living in parallel

universes. I could be streaming outside

and you could come to find me and I

wouldn't be there because we're not even

in the same world. We're in different

dimensions. You guys are in, I don't know,

dimension BX32.

I'm in dimension

BZ13.

And then we're only linked together,

we're only being able to communicate like

this through the power of YouTube. That's

what I think. That would make such a

tragic love story. Imagine if I met— I met

a girl through my streaming, and then we

fell in love, and we arranged to meet up,

but we couldn't because we were in

different dimensions. And then we tried

meeting up in this place, and then we're

messaging each other saying, I'm here,

but I can't find you.

And it's impossible to find each other

because we're not in the same reality.

Oh, you're making me cry.

What was I talking about before? Oh yeah,

the call girl in Germany. She was okay,

I guess.

Not bad, I suppose. And then she used my

shower. And she asked

me where I was from. I said England. I

didn't ask her. I think she was from, I

don't know, Turkey or Romania or

somewhere. She wasn't German,

but her picture looked completely

different as well. She looked like this

hot, slim, big boob,

attractive woman on the website, and then

she turns up, she looked nothing like

that. She looked like a completely

different person.

Oh yeah, back to video titles about

my wife. It's really hard to do the double

So the basic concept of the

video I'm planning is I've spent £1,000

on AirPods and a Surface Pro,

and I'm going to pretend that they're

gifts for my wife when actually they're

for me. And then I'll make it like Rachel

and Jun, you know, when Jun makes gifts

for his wife. Except for I don't cheap out

and I buy my wife premium stuff.

Um, so what can I do for a title? It has

to have £1,000 because that's pretty

catchy in the title.

Do I have a car? No, I don't go outside.

I'm thinking about getting an electric

scooter. They're quite cool. They cost

about— there's one on Amazon that I'm

interested in, costs about $600,

and it says it has a range of 4 to 15

miles, which sounds

reasonable. The river is about 2 miles

away, so I could get to the river and

back, but it says 4, between 4 and 15,

and there's no hills here, so I think it

would be able to last quite, quite a long

distance. Then I could go traveling. But

what happens if I go really far and then

the battery dies and I have to push it

back? Why am I getting a Surface?

Because I'm bored and I thought it'd make

a good video for my tech channel. Oh, I

need channel name ideas for my tech

channel. How about Dan's

Tech Show? Tech, tech boy,

tech, techos. Don't know

why a scooter, because it's either an

electric scooter or an electric

skateboard. I think a scooter would be

easier to ride.

There's a battery here. Lithium-ion, I

think. Dan's Tech Tips. Yeah, like Linus

Tech Tips. Should I get a Surface or

iPad Pro? Well, I'll be able to tell

people after I get my Surface and after

I compare the two. And then I can make 100

billion videos about Surface versus

the iPad.

That's my second channel.

Um, I need to think. I need to go to the

toilet first. I don't want to fart in

front of everyone. That'd be embarrassing.

Okay, I'm back. Let's get back to work.

Let me check Rachel and Jun's channel.

Rachel and Jun wife presents. See what Jun

put. He put cooking birthday presents for

my wife, White Day Jun surprise for

Rachel, Jun's birthday surprise, opening

our Christmas presents.

So he put cooking birthday presents for my

wife. What about buying? What about

spending £1,000 on birthday presents

for my wife? Doesn't have to be a birthday

present, it could just be gifts.

No gifts? Why not? I spent £1,000 on

gifts for my wife, but then you'd be

expecting lots of things. I'm not sure

about this title, actually. How can I make

a video about my new Surface Pro

and AirPods and make it look like they're

for my wife?

What about spending £1,000 on myself and

pretending they're for my wife as the

title?

When's my wife's birthday? February.

It's not too late for a late birthday

gift. It doesn't have to be her birthday.

Unboxing Microsoft Surface Pro.

Oh, there's something in my ear.

Oh, it's all yellow. Do you want to see

it? Oh, it's bitter.

Now it's on my Apple Pencil. Should I suck

it? Should I clean my ears?

My Korean girlfriend used to clean my

ears. It was so nice. She would put

my head on her lap and then get those

little cotton buds, and she was so good at

cleaning ears. I was a bit scared at first

because I thought she might poke in too

deep. And rupture my eardrum. But for

some reason, she, she knew exactly where

to poke it, how deep to poke it. For some

reason, I found it very satisfying being

penetrated by her. It was so

nice, that feeling of having your ears

cleaned.

I feel like cleaning my ears now. Maybe my

wife has some cotton buds.

Oh, I don't know, do it later.

Okay, back to brainstorming.

Um, let me see if my video is still

monetized.

It's still

monetized. That, that trick.

Did it. Just by muting out every time

I said bullied prevented my video from

getting automatically demonetized every

time. Fuck you, YouTube. Think you can

censor me? Think you're gonna stop me from

talking about my bullying experiences? I

need to monetize my— all of my life

experiences, even the bad ones. They think

they can prevent me from putting ads on my

bullying story? I'll just edit out every

time I say the word bullying. It's not

hard to figure out what's triggering your

stupid AI. They think they're so clever

with the AI, don't they? But you know

what's cleverer? The human brain. No AI is

ever going to outsmart a human brain,

especially me. Do you know how many years

I've been in the game tricking people?

Back when I was a school kid, I used to

get away with all kinds of stuff.

Tricking the teachers. Think an AI is

going to stop me? I'm DJ Lord,

bitch.

Why are there so many sirens today? How

many ambulances are there? Are there loads

of Japanese old people dying today or

something? Maybe it's all the heat. They

can't handle the heat. The ambulances are

out in course today. How many times have

you heard a siren go past? Jesus, why

can't people die quietly?

If you're gonna die, don't piss other

people off. Stupid sirens.

I'm trying to brainstorm here and I can't

concentrate.

Okay, let me think. For some reason, my

livestreams never get demonetized, even

though I talk about sex, shit, and I

swear, and I talk about bodies exploding,

and I talk about humping corpses. I think

that as long as you don't say anything bad

in the first 30 seconds, then it doesn't

matter what you say in the rest of the

video, you'll get away with it. Because I

think the AI only scans the first minute

or 2 of the video, not the entire thing.

And when you've been streaming for hours

and hours and hours, I don't think the AI

is going to pick up everything in the

stream. Maybe the AI

doesn't understand my thick British

accent. If you had a thick Welsh accent,

you'd get away with so much, wouldn't you?

What about a Scottish accent?

Scottish. Maybe I should put on a Scottish

accent to get away with monetization.

I fucked her so— I

don't know how to say so in Scottish. Is

it so, or do they go so? Fucked her

so hard. I'm Mardadha.

I can't do accents. I wish I could,

that'd be great. It'd be so funny if this

wasn't actually my accent and then I make

a video telling the truth what I actually

sound like and I have this super Asian

accent and I just come out saying, I'm not

actually British, I was just putting on an

accent the whole time, I'm actually

Indonesian or whatever.

Oh, there was that Japanese-American guy,

and then he put on this fake Japanese

accent at school. He made it— oh, let's

look him up. I think it was called I

Pretended to Have a Japanese Accent for a

Year at School. Pretended to have Japanese

accent.

Faked. Oh no, it's faked. Oh, his name is

Kay. Oh, he actually blew up quite a lot.

He has 320,000 subs.

Oh, thank you, polite, polite fan.

DJ Lord, Lord of Tech. Lord of Tech is

actually a pretty good Title, I mean

channel name. Lord, the Lord of Tech.

Oh, his channel is kind of dead though.

Look, I became an e-boy thrifting

in Shimokitazawa, 42K views.

Responding to your assumptions about me,

16K. Why I don't live with my grandparents

anymore, 23.9K. Even I get more views than

he does. Look, Look at this, he barely

even gets more than 10K views sometimes.

Life update,

13K. He only has 12 million total channel

views. I have 12— I have 12 million.

That's weird. He must have had one really

big viral hit and then got hundreds of

thousands of subs, but then those subs

didn't stick around. What did he get that

was really viral then? I've seen channels

like this. There's this other— there's