How YouTube ruined my Life [LbGCGy5-QzY]

Hello and welcome back to a new video. So

today I want to talk about how being a

YouTuber and YouTube has basically ruined

my life. And even though the money has

been nice and it's been great being able

to meet so many girls thanks to the

channel, I can't exactly say that it's

come without any costs. My reputation has

been completely destroyed through no fault

of my own, and because of my channel and

my internet history, basically no sane

woman would ever want to date me. And the

only chance I have of dating a sane woman

would be by keeping this whole YouTube

thing a secret. But how long can I keep

such a huge part of my life a secret? So

my YouTube career started around 2014 when

I was in South Korea living with an

ex-Korean girlfriend. I didn't really have

anything to do and I was feeling really

bored. And one day my girlfriend— my

ex-girlfriend went to the hospital to do

some kind of checkup, and I was all by

myself in the apartment, so I felt like I

could do whatever I wanted to. And I

thought it'd be fun if I whipped out my

camera and and recorded myself doing a bit

of talking. I had been watching a lot of

vloggers at the time, and I thought it

looked kind of fun to just film yourself.

So I thought, hey, I could do that too.

So I tried recording myself speaking, and

I instantly hated the way I sounded. I

just sounded so lispy, and I sounded like

I had no confidence, and my voice just

sounded really weak. If you go back to my

oldest videos, you'll know what I'm

talking about, and you'll notice that I

sound completely different back then. And

the reason why my voice sounds different

now is because I spent an insane amount of

time trying to improve my enunciation and

the way I spoke. So actually, in the

beginning when I started my YouTube

channel, it wasn't really because I wanted

to become famous or become a YouTuber, or

I didn't even think about making money on

YouTube. It was basically just so I could

improve the way my voice sounded. I really

wanted to try and improve my

self-confidence with the way I sounded and

the way I looked. And filming myself and

making videos was quite a good way to try

and assess how I looked and sounded and

then trying to figure out how I could

improve it. And I think I spent maybe a

year just practicing making videos and

talking and trying to fix my weird speech

patterns. And I didn't really make any

videos that I uploaded to the channel

until maybe a year later when I finally

felt confident enough with how I sounded

and looked to be able to make videos like

a proper YouTuber. And in the beginning,

I just made very simple vlogs, just me

doing random stuff, not really talking

about anything too deep or personal, just

kind of doing everyday stuff like messing

around buying cameras off Amazon and

unboxing them, messing around in the

garden. And then I tried my hand at doing

a bit of travel vlogging. Next time I went

to Korea in 2016, I vlogged every single

day almost because I was really inspired

by other YouTubers like Casey Neistat and

FunForLouis. For some reason, I was just

really impressed with how they could just

whip out a camera in the middle of a crowd

or in public and just start talking to the

camera even though there's loads of people

around them giving them weird stares. So I

tried my best to imitate them, and I

actually was able to walk around outside

in public in front of people. Even though

it was kind of embarrassing in the

beginning, I was able to feel confident

enough to be able to speak to a camera

outside in front of strangers.

Unfortunately, even though I tried my best

to make these travel videos and I really

tried to push myself out of my comfort

zone, The videos just weren't really

getting any views. I was getting about 20

to 40, sometimes 50 views at most.

And I think it took me about a year or

more than a year to finally get to 100

subscribers. It took such a long time to

get the first 100, and the channel didn't

really start to grow more until 2017 when

I kind of gave up on the whole vlogging

idea and I started to talk about very

personal things like my mental state

and my loneliness and my lack of

motivation. And of course ex-girlfriends

and relationship topics. And also, most

importantly, videos talking about cereal.

So when I started talking about all this

kind of stuff, the channel started to grow

much, much faster. And at first it did

feel kind of wrong to be talking about

such personal topics and using pictures of

my ex-girlfriends in the thumbnails. It

kind of felt bad to be trash-talking my

ex-girlfriends in videos on YouTube, but

it felt bad in a good way, and I was

really enjoying all the attention and

seeing the growth of my channel. Channel

increase. So obviously, as you can

imagine, I carried on making these kind of

videos. Before I started talking about all

this relationship stuff and this very

personal stuff, I tried everything. I

tried so many things. I tried talking

about cameras and tech. I tried talking

about coding and programming. I tried

doing travel vlogging, but nothing seemed

to work. So as you can imagine, I was

feeling pretty good that after all these

years, I finally found something that was

getting attention and people enjoyed

listening to, and I was seeing real growth

on the channel. Unfortunately, this is

where things start to take a dark turn.

The beginning of 2018, I made a video

about not having friends, and for some

reason this video went super viral and my

channel just blew up in that time frame.

I was getting maybe 10,000, 5,000 new

subs every single day. It was insane. And

I just felt so excited to be getting all

this new attention, all these new viewers,

and obviously the money was also really

great. So I went from making about $200 a

month to making nearly $3,000 a month just

in the span of a few weeks. And as you can

imagine, I was completely hooked on the

whole YouTube thing. It felt like I woke

up and I hit the jackpot, I won the

lottery. It was like playing slots and

then you just won big time. The dopamine

hit and the adrenaline rush I got from all

of this was just so great. I never felt

something that felt so good before. So I

had this taste of blowing up on YouTube

and having some kind of tiny internet

fame, and I wanted more, and I was willing

to do literally anything to get more. So I

continued making videos about every single

girl that I ever met, ever had any kind of

interaction with, or relationship with,

or physical experience with, and the

viewers loved it. They thought it was

really funny. They thought it was really

interesting, and at that point I just

really didn't care if the people I talked

about found out that I talked about them.

Didn't care if they would be upset if I

talked about them. I didn't even care if

me talking about them would make me look

bad or make me look like a bad person.

The only thing I cared about was getting

more views and trying to get more viral

hits. The only thing that mattered was

making the channel grow more, and I soon

discovered that people really love drama.

And my married life was full of drama and

full of cheating and full of arguments.

And I found out that I could just make

videos about every single argument and

every single problem that was in the

marriage and basically just make loads of

money and get loads of views by making

videos about it. But the problem was,

even though at the time the money was

great and the views were great, it just

wasn't very sustainable. It was very

short-term thinking. And eventually,

inevitably, the marriage came to an end

because I had to keep escalating. I had to

keep creating more and more crazy stories

and more and more trainwreck situations.

I was just really desperate to do anything

that would keep my audience entertained

and keep them interested and keep them

coming back. Unfortunately, most of my

audience back then were only interested in

one thing, so I needed a constant supply

of drama, and they had to be real. I tried

to fake some, but faking it just wasn't

very convincing, and I wasn't very good at

acting. It had to be a genuine problem so

that I could release my frustration and

rage onto the camera to make an

entertaining video. My ego also inflated

to insane levels of egotisticness.

It's just having tens of thousands of fans

does something to your mind. It kind of

corrupts your mind. I think it would take

an extremely mature and humble person for

this kind of experience not to get to

their heads and not to let their egos get

inflated like mine was. Unfortunately,

I'm not very mature and I wasn't very

humble, and I let the YouTube fame

completely take over me, completely

corrupt my mind, and it kind of turned me

into this horrible person. During my peak

popularity in 2018, I really felt like I

was a god. I felt like I was worshipped

and I could do no wrong, and my viewers

would support me no matter what I said or

what I did. I would soon find out that my

fans and viewers would quickly turn

against me very soon. I tried and failed

miserably to make these comedic satirical

hit pieces, commentary videos against

other YouTubers that I didn't really like

very much. My style of comedy kind of fell

flat on its face, and most people didn't

even realize that I was trying to be funny

in the first place. And people just didn't

really like how I was attacking these

other YouTubers that didn't really deserve

it, to be honest. And then when you add in

all the videos where I basically show how

much of a terrible husband I was and how I

was constantly complaining about my wife

and cheating on her and stuff like that,

my newly acquired fanbase was rapidly

turning against me and I didn't even

realize it. When I started to notice the

number of haters in the comments and the

number of dislikes I was getting going up

and up and up, I started to feel very

annoyed and I started to feel resentment

and anger towards my viewership. I thought

to myself, how dare they start hating me?

How dare they not like me? They're

supposed to be my fans, they're supposed

to be my viewers, they're supposed to be

on my side and have my back. How dare they

start writing hate comments? I did try to

tone it down a little bit and I I tried

some apology videos, but I noticed that I

would get way more views on videos where I

would try to trigger people into hating me

more. So instead of backing down and

trying to say, okay guys, I'm sorry, I

screwed up, I'm gonna try and be a better

person, I did the opposite and I just made

myself into more of a scumbag. I made

myself more hateable, more dislikable,

because it would get higher engagement.

People would love to comment these

paragraphs on how I'm a terrible person

and stuff like that, and I was still

chasing those views. I was still addicted

to getting hundreds of thousands of views

or 50K views, and I didn't care if that

meant that I had to make topics or videos

about cheating or hurting my wife or

hurting other people. I thought I had my

foot in the door towards becoming a big

YouTuber, and that's all I wanted. I

didn't care how I would get it, I just

wanted it. And I really gave it my best

shot. I really pushed myself out of my

comfort zone to do crazy stuff like

getting a love doll and doing all this

content about cheating and divorce and

smashing stuff and running away. I really

pulled out all of the stops, even to the

point where I got noticed by some pretty

big channels. And even Elvis the Alien

told me that PewDiePie watched a few of my

videos and he knew of my channel. I just

couldn't believe it. It felt so amazing to

be recognized. Unfortunately, this would

be the beginning of the end, because in

order to create this kind of drama-fueled

content, I kind of needed the marriage. I

needed to have a wife to make videos

about. I needed to have some kind of

relationship or partner so I could

complain about her and make drama with her

for views. But who would want to be with

me when I treated them like that just so I

could get some money on YouTube and get

some views? Turns out the answer is no

one. After 2 years of waiting, I still

haven't been able to find a girlfriend

using my YouTube channel. I still haven't

been able to find a replacement for

Chihiro. No girl wants to be in the same

situation where I basically make them feel

bad and look stupid just so that I could

get some views on YouTube. And the result

of that is I don't have any more content

anymore. There's no drama, there's no

adventures, there's no crazy stuff

happening because there is no one to talk

about or do stuff like that with. The only

way I can get a girlfriend now is by using

dating apps and trying to keep my entire

YouTube career and history a complete

secret. And that's why I've lost over 90%

of my audience now. I feel frustrated that

I couldn't keep their interest without

drama or without girls or relationship

stuff or trainwreck stuff. And I feel

frustrated that I alienated the people who

actually did like me and did like my

non-drama content by focusing on the drama

content and scaring them all away.

Nowadays, I just feel dead inside because

I'm constantly craving and missing that

feeling I experienced back in 2018 and

'19, and knowing that I'll never be able

to build a large-sized community ever

again because I had my shot and I blew it.

Having to accept that I've had my 15 15

minutes of fame and it's gone and I'll

never get it back again is probably one of

the hardest things that I'm currently

having to deal with. It's been 2 years

that I've been struggling with this and

letting it go is just something that I

don't know how to do. Maybe this sounds

sad to a lot of people, but 2018 and '19

were probably the best years of my entire

life. And even though most people hated me

and I was basically a villain I really

enjoyed it. It was a lot of fun, but I

just can't go back to how life was before

I blew up on YouTube. After being a

YouTuber for nearly 5 years, just the idea

of going back into society and getting a

job again and being a normal person again

sounds so alien. So I really don't know

what to do for the future. I don't know

what to do with my life anymore. I feel

kind of broken. I feel like I've crossed

the line and done terrible things in order

to try and become a big YouTuber, and it

didn't really pay off. Instead, it kind of

backfired and now I have to suffer the

consequences of having a tarnished

internet history and reputation that if

anyone finds out about, they would

probably instantly hate me. I always tried

my hardest to keep my audience

entertained, even if it made my wife cry

or it made people hate me. I'm not

expecting or asking for absolute

forgiveness, and it wouldn't matter at

this point anyway because it's too late by

now, but for anyone who's still here

listening, I just hope that you understand

why I did what I did.