My Ex Wife doesn't want to get back together -( [rwe8oNhRmLc]

So it's been a few weeks now since I made

a video talking about why I wanted to get

back with my ex-wife, and unfortunately I

haven't heard anything from her. I was

kind of hoping that if I made a video like

that, it might trigger a response from

her, but I haven't actually seen her

active online since around June.

That was nearly 4 months ago now, and she

was very active online for most of this

year and most of last year. She had an

Instagram. She was also making videos on

her own YouTube channel. And then all of a

sudden, all of the uploads and the

activity kind of all came to a stop at the

end of June, which I find very strange.

I remember occasionally last year and even

the beginning of this year, she would do

these random livestreams on Instagram and

sometimes do livestreams with Casey. Last

year when this was happening, I wasn't

really paying much attention to it

because, you know, I had my own things

going on at the time. And I really thought

that making these changes like deleting my

Discord and taking down all of my videos

that had her in it and not making toxic

drama content like I used to, I thought

these would have been a good step in the

right direction to try and make amends and

try and re-repair things. But I guess it

was too little too late because even

though I did all those things, it didn't

really make any difference, and I don't

really feel like making the decision to

take those steps has benefited me in any

way. Well, not yet at least.

So my theory is, and it's a pretty sad

conclusion to come to, well, I think last

year the reason why she was so active on

the internet, like on Instagram and on the

Hong Kong guy's channel, was because she

probably still had some kind of attachment

to me. And even in the beginning of this

year, I reckon that kind of connection

still remained. But now that she's

completely disappeared from making any

kind of post or upload, I fear the worst.

So number 1 is she just doesn't really

care anymore and she's completely moved

on. Therefore, she doesn't feel the need

to have like an online presence anymore

because it doesn't really matter to her

anymore. And theory number 2 is she found

someone new. She got a new boyfriend.

Now, I don't know if any of these are

actually true. I've got no confirmation.

These are just my random guesses, but I

just have a feeling that she probably

found someone new now and she's completely

moved on. And, you know, I guess that

makes a lot of sense because it has been

nearly 2 years now and there's no hope for

any foreigners to be able to enter Japan

anytime soon. And yeah, it just kind of

makes sense that one would move on after

all this time has happened. And to be

honest, I just don't really understand why

she wouldn't want to get back together

because we broke up for certain reasons

and, you know, pretty much all those

reasons were my fault and because of bad

things I was doing. But I've already

proved and shown that I've stopped doing

the bad things and I've made corrections.

I've made amendments. So I don't really

see what the problem is. Because if you

think of it this way, if she was willing

to be with me back then when I was so much

worse of a human being, and now that

I've improved so much and become a much

better person, wouldn't she want to

be with me more now compared to back then?

It's just, it's really weird how feelings

work. People can have very strong feelings

for another person and and they get

stronger and stronger. But then something

happens to separate the 2 people. And then

after a long time of separation, after

enough time passes, those feelings just

kind of disappear. It just kind of shows

you how fleeting and temporary everything

in life is. There's no stability, there's

no longevity in anything. That's what I've

come to realize at the age of age 32,

after having all these experiences.

Nothing ever lasts. Everything has like a

birth and then a boom and then a peak and

then a gradual decline. And then it just,

it dies, it's gone. And then it's, you

just have to let go of it and then move on

and find something else, I guess. I guess

that's just what life is. So I just feel

like nothing has ever lasted. Even this

YouTube channel, which I thought would

last forever and would keep being able to

provide me with financial support for the

rest of my life. And now I'm at this point

where I'm just looking at my analytics and

thinking, this channel is dead. This

channel is going down the hill. And it's

not just the channel, it's relationships,

it's people, it's family members, it's

even pets. Even my cat doesn't live

forever. Nothing lasts forever. And having

to come to that realization is very sad

and depressing. I think one of the reasons

why I never really put a lot of effort

into relationships I never put much work

into maintaining relationships or keeping

them healthy. I just kind of, you know,

let them wither away if that's what's

going to happen. And I accept it because

after all these years being alive, that's

like the one thing that keeps happening.

The one constant thing that keeps

happening is that people will come into

your life and they leave your life. Not

one single person has just constantly been

in my life nonstop. I feel like it is a

waste of time and emotional effort to

invest so much into relationships when you

never know what's going to happen. They

will get bored of you. They'll lose

interest in you. They'll find someone

better. They will find someone new, and

then they'll just forget about you. And

then you've put all that effort and time

into fostering this relationship. And what

was the point? And I think I can trace

these feelings. I can trace the source of

these feelings all the way back to when I

was 18 years old. When I had my first

online internet Japanese girlfriend,

Sayaka. And I put a lot of effort into

that relationship. You know, I made sure

to come home straight away after work to

talk to her for like 5, 4 hours straight

on Skype every day to try and, you know,

create a connection between us, create a

bond. And I put a lot of emotional

investment into her and the idea of going

to Japan to meet her and creating a

relationship and eventually getting

married and living together and making a

family together. I seriously— I'm not

joking— I seriously was serious about

that idea. And then one day she said

to me, Daniel, I found someone new. I

don't like you anymore. And that was it.

Just in a, in a day, less than a day,

it was all over. 2 years. I put 2 years

of emotional investment into that person.

And I was absolutely destroyed. I was

devastated when she told me that. I was

miserable and depressed for about a week,

and I even cried in front of my dad,

which was really, really unusual because I

never showed emotion in front of my dad.

And I think that experience kind of burned

me a little bit. It made me think it

doesn't matter how many years or how much

effort or how much time you put into

creating a bond and maintaining a

relationship, it can come to an end. It

could come to an end at any time, which is

why now I'm kind of scared to actually put

real commitment and effort into, you know,

any kind of relationship, just even just

friendship or a new girlfriend or even

with family members. And there's this

thing called the hedgehog's dilemma,

which is some kind of psychiatric,

psychological term to describe this. So

hedgehog's dilemma is because they're

covered in spines, even though they want

to get close to other hedgehogs, if they

get too close, they're going to prick each

other and they're going to hurt each

other. So they're kind of, even though

they want to, you know, deep down they

desire a connection and intimacy, which is

what I do. They're also scared of hurting.

And no, they're scared of getting hurt

because they might get pricked by the

other hedgehog's spikes and spines.

Maybe when relationships start to get or

start to feel too serious for me, I kind

of subconsciously start self-sabotaging

things to try and destroy the

relationship. And, you know, before things

get too serious and I actually become

emotionally invested in the relationship,

and I become vulnerable to being hurt, I

just self-sabotage it. And then, you know,

that's why none of my relationships last

for much longer than a couple of months or

a year, I think. Yeah. The only

relationship I ever had that lasted more

than a year was the marriage. Apart from

that, all my previous girlfriends, most of

them were over after about 3, 4, 5,

6 months maybe. So yeah, maybe it's time

for me to move on as well because it seems

like everyone else has moved on. It's like

everyone else just moves on so easily.

Why am I always stuck here feeling

sad and miserable about other people who

probably don't even care about me anymore?

I don't know if this is bad or good. It's

probably not good. But, you know, when you

see pictures of your exes and they've

taken like a picture with their friends or

hanging out, having a good time, I really

hate seeing those kind of pictures because

it's like they're just taking it to show

how, how great their lives are now. Oh,

look, I've moved on. I'm having an amazing

time with my friends. Don't need you

anymore. And yeah, it makes me also

feel like I want to take pictures with

friends showing how much of a great,

amazing time I have, showing how wonderful

my life is now that I've moved on and

forgotten about you. But then that just

seems like a temporary fix. Yeah, you

could meet someone new, you could hang

out, you can even have you know what. But

at the end of the day, it's just like a

temporary fix. It's like a temporary

Band-Aid over a massive gaping wound. And

it doesn't matter how many happy pictures

you take together with your friends and

all that. If I did that, if I tried to do

the same thing, I know that won't really

make me feel much better in the long term.

Maybe in the moment, yeah, I could forget

about things. It's kind of like taking

JUGs or drinking a lot. It just makes you

stop thinking about the sad things. And in

the moment, yeah, you could forget about

it and take a happy selfie with all your

new buddies, but then you come back home

alone and it's all dark and it's just

completely quiet. And what

is the solution? I don't know. The best

solution I could come up with is try my

best to avoid emotional triggers like

music, emotional stories in movies and

games. Try to avoid those. And yeah,

just try not to think about things too

much. Talking about it like this doesn't

really help, to be honest.