MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME

Hey, so I've got some really bad news.

Yesterday, my girlfriend dumped me.

I'm so sad.

She said that she didn't want to be with a

guy who didn't have a proper job and

couldn't afford to live in a nice

neighborhood and did OnlyFans to make

money. She said it was disgusting and

embarrassing. She said, how can I

introduce you to my family when you do

that kind of stuff for work? She said,

what am I going to say if they ask you

what you do for a living? You can't

obviously tell them what you do for a

living, and you won't be able to keep it a

secret for the rest of our lives. And then

she also said my armpits smell like onions

and it makes her gag. And even though I

use shampoo when I have a shower to wash

my armpits, they still start smelling

afterwards because obviously I start

sweating again. There's not really much I

can do about that. I can't stop myself

from sweating. I can't So close, my sweat

pores. She packed all her stuff last night

and then she just left, and now I'm all by

myself again.

It's just so annoying.

Every time I finally find someone and then

a relationship starts to develop,

something like this always happens. Why

can't I just find happiness? Why can't I

just find love in this world? Why is this

world so cruel to me? What did I do to

deserve a lifetime of loneliness without

any love? Yeah, well, I didn't even like

her that much anyway. Number one, she

wasn't very pretty, and number two, she's

probably the most annoying person I've

ever met. I mean, she made me sign a

contract promising that I wouldn't talk

about her on YouTube. She handwrote this

entire page, some kind of legal document,

a contract, and then made me sign it at

the bottom saying that I'm not allowed to

speak about her on YouTube, as if I'm

actually going to listen to a stupid piece

of paper. If I want to speak about her, I

bloody well will speak about anything I

want to speak about, and if you don't like

that, well, that's tough. One of the most

annoying things she did was she would keep

accusing me of running away. For example,

after I finished having my cereal,

sometimes there's a bit of milk splashed

around, so I go and get a piece of tissue

paper to wipe up the milk. And then when I

get up to go and get the tissue paper,

she'd say, why are you running away? Why

do you always run away after we've had

cereal? I'm going to get some tissue to

wipe up the mess, you idiot. So the next

time we had cereal, I thought, oh, okay,

she's gonna complain about me running away

again, so I guess I'll just lie here with

the milk splashed all over the place. And

then she told me to go and get tissue

because it's messy. Well, duh, that's what

I've been doing this whole time until you

started saying that I'm running away. And

then the other annoying thing she did was

when I was playing my laptop on my game,

playing my game, she would start

disturbing me. For example, she would sit

on my lap and then prevent me from playing

my game. If I reached for my phone, she

would knock my phone away so I couldn't

look at my phone. She wouldn't let me do

my internet stuff because I guess she

wanted to communicate. For example, one

time she just sat on my lap and she

wouldn't let me play my game, and then she

was just staring at me with without even

saying anything. So she wanted to talk,

but she wasn't even saying anything, and

then she wouldn't let me play my game or

look at the internet. She was just sitting

there. What do you want me to do? Yeah,

well, the joke's on her because I've

already been chatting to about 15 other

girls, and I've already chosen my next

girlfriend. I'm going to be moving to

Russia very soon after my contract in this

apartment is up because I've already paid

for this place, and I might not get my

money back if I suddenly decide to leave

now without giving them much notice, so I

might as well just stay here until the end

of my contract and then finally gonna be

getting out of this horrible neighborhood.

Now, this new girl, she's, um, she's 21,

she's 5'6, and she's blonde and has blue

eyes. And I'm really excited about this

because I've never had a girl before who's

blonde and had blue eyes. All the girls I

had before had brown hair or dark hair,

and blonde-haired girls have always been a

bit of a know, I guess they've been kind

of exotic to me, something I always

thought was out of my reach. But now I'm

very excited to be finally with a blonde

girl. I think it's going to be pretty fun.

Well, you know what they say, when one

book closes, another book opens, and the

pages just start turning magically. Now I

am a little bit nervous about going to

Russia because I don't really know much

about the country, and from what I've seen

from documentaries, Russian people seem a

little bit scary. They seem to get very

angry if you don't speak Russian. And I

don't really have any interest in learning

Russian because, to be honest, it sounds

kind of silly. So yeah, if you've been

wondering why I've been in the Netherlands

for such a long time, that's because— I

mean, why else would I be here? There's

only one reason why I'd be here. Either it

would be for a girl or for a job, and as

you know, I don't really need a job

because I'm an online entrepreneur. Yeah,

Russia,