It's been a year since I lost my dad -(

So today I wanted to talk about my dad.

Some of you may not know this if you're

new to the channel, but I actually lost my

dad about a year ago, and it's been, it's

been about a year and a few months since

his passing, and I just wanted to

talk about my feelings and my emotions

about what it's like losing your father.

There were many stages. First there was

sadness, and then there was angriness,

and then— there's a duck over there,

look! Huh,

look, it's a duck! I didn't know there was

a duck in the pond. Where did that come

from?

Why is there only one duck? Hello,

quack quack.

Look, it's so tiny.

Um, anyway, yes, my dad, for those of you

who don't know, passed away last year,

sadly, in February. He got the flu.

Um, no, not the virus, he got just, you

know, regular H1N1 flu last year,

and he was taken to the hospital and he

was in ICU for a couple weeks. He got

pneumonia and he was starting to make a

bit of a recovery, but then, then

unfortunately he got pneumonia again and

several— he got several other infections

as well and he didn't make it. Some of you

may know if you watched my stream from

last year It's been something that I've

had troubles tackling with for the past

year. Started off with nightmares nearly

every day about him. I still get dreams of

him nowadays, recently as well, but

they're not really nightmares and they're

kind of just weird dreams where he

randomly appears in the dream and nothing

really makes any sense. Look, I think I

saw a rabbit. Over here.

Wow, it's so difficult to make a video in

the garden because there's so many things

to distract you. Anyway, um,

recently I don't really feel that

depressed or sad about it. I feel like I

slowly adjusted and got used to the fact

that he's gone now, and I do

think about him nearly every day. But it's

not in like a really, really sad way like

I used to feel last year.

Look, I found the duck! Whoa,

where's he gone? I didn't

mean to scare it off. Bye! I didn't think

it would just fly off like that. Oh,

there's a weird fly thing over there.

This pond does not look healthy.

So yeah, it was really weird last year. I

just felt so confused about the whole

situation because he was perfectly fine on

Christmas when I went— when I came back

here to see him and my family. And then

just a few weeks later, he got really ill,

and then another few weeks later, he was

gone. It was so strange. Sometimes when

I'm just daydreaming and zoning out into

my fantasy land, Sometimes I do forget the

fact that he passed away, and I kind of

expect him to come home. I look at the

clock and it's 7 PM, and I kind of expect

his car to come rolling down the driveway,

hearing the engine noise and the, the car

door opening sound, and hearing the front

door open, and then hearing him put his

briefcase down. All these tiny little

sounds that he used to make in everyday

life I miss them. Even the sound of an

electric shaver in the morning kind of

reminds me of him now. I always remember

hearing that zzzz in the morning when he

was getting ready to go to work. And then

there's other things like when I do the

laundry, when I'm folding my laundry,

when I'm folding my laundry, even the

sound of that reminds me of my dad when he

used to fold the laundry. Outside of my

room. It's just kind of strange because

when you have parents and you're young,

you kind of— it kind of feels like they're

going to be around for, for a long time or

forever. And then when you do suddenly

lose one of them, it just comes as a big

shock. Like, you didn't expect that to

happen. Happens to everyone else, but

shouldn't happen to me. I thought I'd be

at least 50 or 60 by the time

that I lose a parent, because, you know,

people these days, they live until they're

80 plus. Some, some people live until

they're 90. Some people even live until

they're 100 years old. So it's not really

an unusual thing to still have your

parents around when you're 50. I just feel

like losing your parent when you're 30

seems like, like it's too soon, like

you're too young. To lose a parent at that

age. And we got him cremated when

he passed. We didn't bury him. He was

cremated, and then we brought the ashes

home, and we actually buried them under a

tree. I'll show you the tree now.

Actually, my uncles did. I didn't do

anything.

So we dug a hole here, put his ashes into

there, and then planted this tree. It's

quite a nice tree. It has grown

a little bit since last year, I guess.

I'm not sure how much it's grown. It's

hard to tell. And it has these yellow

leaves. It's kind of

weird thinking my dad is under this tree.

Very strange. One minute You're a human

being, and then the next minute you get

turned into powder, and then you're under

a tree. It's kind of strange. It took me a

long time to get my mind around, around

that. And there's

like a little message thing here.

My mum wrote it. So hopefully

this tree will get really big. I'm not

sure how big it's going to get, maybe as

big as these ones.

So sometimes I sit on this hammock like

this and I

imagine my dad's over there and I just

think I wonder what he would be doing now.

Probably gardening or working on the car.

This hammock's quite nice. You can just

sit here like this, take off your shoes,

put your feet up,

listen to the water.

I wasn't really very close with my father.

We had kind of a weird relationship.

We didn't really have much in common. We

didn't have any shared interests, and we

didn't really talk much either. He didn't

really talk a lot unless you asked him

things, and then he would start explaining

things if you asked him. But if you didn't

ask him anything, then He would stay quiet

most of the time. And maybe

I feel a bit guilty now that I didn't

show more interest in the things he was

interested in. I didn't ask him how to do

things, or I didn't try and help him more

in the garden. I think

he would have liked that, you know,

father and son like a team. Making the

house better. I guess I wasn't a very good

son. I just stayed up in my room playing

video games all the time. Looking outside

and seeing him working so hard on the

garden just made me think that—

that it looks like a lot of hard work and

doesn't really look very interesting. I'd

rather be playing video games in my

bedroom and watching anime. Well,

I guess the— the saying time heals

everything is true. Is that my sister?

What's she doing? So many distractions

today when I'm trying to make a video.

Very sorry if it seems like I'm not taking

the topic seriously, but there's

just so much activity out here. Look at

all this nature, so green.

What is this weird white thing? Look,

there's like white patches on the ground.

Looks strange.

I thought it was paper, but it looks like

it's made by an insect.

Or maybe it is paper. And finally, I

wanted to show you my pond in a jar. I

took this jar of pond water out of the

pond about a few days ago. And there's

some really weird things happening inside

of it. If I can show you— zoom in.

Look at this. That's so weird.

That definitely was not in the jar a few

days ago. There were just these little

worm things, and now it's turned into

a big black and green thing. It's really

big.

Also, the green algae stuff started

expanding. There didn't used to be this

much algae inside

of it. Oh, look at it! What the hell

is that? I think it's a caterpillar, but I

didn't know caterpillars lived in water.

If anyone knows what this is, I would love

to know. There's also tiny little

flea things swimming around in there.

It's got this big lump of black

goo attached to its backside. I'm not sure

what that is either.

Weird. Maybe it's a dragonfly.