Japanese Man Reacts to - Bill Wurtz History of Japan

Japan is an island by the sea filled with

volcanoes and it's beautiful. In the year

negative a billion, Japan might not have

been here. In the year negative 40,000,

it was here and you could walk to it, and

some people walked to it. Then it got

warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an

island, and now there's lots of trees

because it's warmer. So now there's people

on the island. They're basically sort of

hanging out in between the mountains

eating nuts off trees and using the latest

technology like stones and bowls. Ding

dong, it's the outside world and they have

technology from the future. Like really

good metal and crazy rice farms. Now you

can make a lot of rice really, really

quickly. That means if you own the farm,

you own a lot of food, which is something

everybody needs to survive. Yeah, so that

makes you king. Yeah. Rice farming and

rice kingdoms spread across the land all

the way to here. The most important

kingdoms were here, here, here, here,

here, here, and here. But this one was the

most, most important, ruled by a heavenly

superperson, or emperor for short. Knock

knock, get the door, it's religion. The

new prince wants everyone to try this hot

new religion from Biecht. Please try this

religion, he said. No, said everybody.

Try it, he said. No, said everybody again,

quieter this time. And so the religion was

put into place and all the rules that came

with it. Then the government was taken

over by another clique, and they made some

reforms, like making the government govern

more and making the government more like

China's government, which is a government

that governs more. Hi, China, they said.

Hi, dipshit, said China. Can you call us

something else other than dipshit? said

Japan. Like what? said China. How about

Sunrise Land? said Japan. And they stole

China's alphabet and wrote a book about

themselves. And then they made lots of

poetry and art and another book about

themselves. Then they stopped moving the

capital every time the emperor died and

kept it in one place for a while, right

here. And they conquered the north

finally, get that squared away. A rich

hipster named Kukai is bored with modern

Buddhism, visits China, and learns a

better version which is more spiritual.

Comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and

causes art and literature to be great for

a long time. And the royal palace turned

into such a dream world of art that they

really didn't give a shit about running

the country. So if you live outside the

palace, how are you supposed to protect

your shit from criminals? Hire a samurai.

Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich,

important people hired samurai. Poor

people who could not afford to hire

samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai

became organized and powerful, more

powerful than the government. So they made

their own military government here. They

let the emperor still be emperor, but the

shogun is actually in control. Breaking

news: the Mongols have invaded China.

We've invaded China, said the Mongols.

Please respect us, or else we might invade

you as well. Okay, said Japan. So the

Mongols came over, ready for war, and died

in a tornado. But they tried again, and

had a nice time fighting with the

Japanese, but then died in a tornado.

Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate,

then the shogunate overthrows him back and

moves to Kyoto and makes a new shogunate.

And the emperor can still dress like an

emperor if he wants, that's fine. Now

there's more art! Like painting with less

colors, collaborative poetry, plays,

monkey fun, tea parties, gardening,

architecture, flowers. It's time for who's

going to be the next shogun. Usually it's

the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't

have a kid, so he tries to get his brother

to quit being a monk and be the next

shogun. He says, okay, but then the shogun

has a kid, so now who's it gonna be? Vote

now on your phones. And everyone voted so

hard that the palace caught on fire and

burned down. The shogun actually didn't

care, he was off somewhere doing poetry.

And the whole country broke into pieces.

Everyone is fighting with each other for

local power, and it's anybody's game.

Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not

here to take over, they just want to sell

some shit like clocks and guns and cheese.

So that's cool, but everyone's still

fighting each other for control, now with

guns. And wouldn't it be nice to control

the capital? Which right now is puppets

with no one controlling them. This clan is

ready to make a run for it, but first they

have to trample this smaller clan which is

in the way. Surprise! The smaller clan

wins, and the leader of that clan steals

the idea of invading the capital and

invades the capital. And it goes very

well. He's about halfway through

conquering Japan when someone who works

for him kills him, and then someone else

who works for him kills them, and that guy

finishes conquering Japan. And then he

confiscated everybody's swords and made

some rules. And now I'm going to invade

Korea and then hopefully China, he said,

and failed, and also died. But before he

died, he told these 5 guys to take care of

his 5-year-old son until he's old enough

to be the next ruler of Japan. And the 5

guys said, yeah, right. It's not gonna be

this kid. It's gonna be one of us, 'cause

we're grown-ups. And it's probably gonna

be this guy, who happens to be way more

rich and powerful than the others. A lot

of people support him, but a lot of people

support not supporting him. They have a

fight, and he wins, and starts a new

government right here. And he still lets

the emperor dress like an emperor and have

very nice things. But don't get confused.

This is the new government, and they are

very strict. So strict they closed the

country. No one can leave and no one can

come in. Except for the Dutch, if they

wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to

do it right here. Now that the entire

country was not at war with itself, the

population increased a lot. Business

increased. Schools were built. Roads were

built. Everyone learned to read. Books

were published. There was poetry, plays,

sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch

studies. People started to study European

science from books they bought from the

Dutch. We're talking geography,

skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy,

and maybe even electricity. Over time,

the economic and cultural prosperity began

to gradually slow down. Yeah, so true.

It's the United States with huge boats

with guns. Gunboats. Open the country.

Stop having it be closed. Closed, said the

United States. There was really nothing

they could do, so they signed a contract

that lets United States, Britain, and

Russia visit Japan anytime they want.

Choshu and Satsuma hated this. That sucks,

they said. This sucks. And with almost

very little outside help, they overthrew

the shogunate and somehow made the emperor

the emperor again and moved him to Edo,

which they renamed Eastern Capital. They

made a new government which was a lot more

Western. They made a new constitution that

was pretty Western and a military that was

pretty Western. And do you know what else

is Western? That's right, it's conquering

stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea!

They conquer Korea, taking it from its

previous owner, China, and then go a

little bit further. And Russia rushes in

out of nowhere and says, stop, no, you

can't take that, we were gonna build a

railroad through here to try to get some

warm water. And Russia builds their

railroad, supervised by a shit ton of

soldiers. And then when the railroad was

done, they downgraded to a fuck ton. Did I

say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan

says, can you maybe chill? And Russia

says, how about maybe you chill? Japan's

kind of scared of Russia. You'll never

guess who's also kind of scared of Russia.

Great Britain. So Japan and Great Britain

make an alliance together so they can be a

little less scared of Russia. Feeling

confident, Japan goes to war against

Russia. Just for a moment. And then they

both get tired and stop. It's time for

World War I! The world is about to have a

war. Because it's the 1900s and weapons

are getting crazy. And all these empires

are excited to try them out on each other.

Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying

conquering stuff and wants more. And the

next thing on their list is this part of

China and lots of tiny islands. All that

stuff belongs to Germany, which just had

war declared on it by Britain because

Britain was friends with Belgium, which

was being trespassed by Germany in order

to get to France to kick France's ass

because France is friends with Russia,

who was getting ready to kick Austria's

ass because Austria was getting ready to

kick Serbia's ass because someone from

Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass.

Or actually shot him in the head. And

Britain is currently friends with Japan,

so you know what that means. Duh, Japan

should take the islands, which they wanted

to do anyway, so they called Britain on

the telly to sort of let them know, and

then they did it. And they also helped

Britain a little here and there with some

errands and stuff. Now the war is over,

and congratulations Japan, you technically

fought in the war, which means you get to

sit at the negotiating table with the big

dudes. Where they decided who owns what.

And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit

they stole from Germany. You also get to

join the post-war mega alliance, the

League of Nations, whose mission statement

is to try not to take over the world. The

Great Depression is bad, and Japan's

economy is now crappy, but the military is

doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria.

And the League of Nations is like, no,

don't do that. If you're in the League of

Nations, you're not supposed to take over

the world. And Japan said, how about I do

anyway? And Japan invaded more and more

and more and more of China. Japan was

planning to invade the entire East.

You've got mail! It's from Germany, the

new leader of Germany. He has a cool

mustache and he's trying to take over the

world and needs friends. This also got

forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be

friends because they had so much in

common. It's time for World War 2!

Germany is invading the neighbors. Then

they invade the neighbors' neighbors.

Then the neighbors' neighbors' neighbors,

who happened to be Britain, said, holy

shit! And the United States started

helping Britain because they are good

friends and started not helping Japan

because they're friends and our friends

are not friends. Plus they're planning on

invading the entire ocean. Wow. The United

States is also working on a large, very

Ever, just in case. But they still haven't

joined the war. War looks bad on TV, and

the United States is really starting to

care about their image. But then Japan

spits on them in Hawaii and challenges

them to war, and they say yes. And then

Germany, as a symbol of friendship,

declares war on the United States also.

So the United States goes to war in

Europe, and they help the gang chase

Germany back into Germany, and they also

start chasing Japan back into Japan. And

they haven't used the bomb yet and are

curious to see if it works, so they drop

it on Japan. They actually drop two.

The United States installed a new

government inspired by the United States

government with just the right ingredients

for a post-war economic miracle. And Japan

starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and

camcorders as fast as they can, and also

better than everybody else. They get rich

and the economy goes wild, and then the

miracle wears off. So everything's still

pretty cool, I guess.

Oh, so funny.

What?

So true.

What? No way.

Hmm.

Wow, really? Wow.

Yeah, so true.

Yeah,

oh, so funny.

What?

So true.

What? No way.

Hmm,

wow, really?