I don't have the guts to break up with my girlfriend

So I think we need to have a serious talk

about my girlfriend. Ever since I've

gotten back from Japan, I've been thinking

about this pretty much every day, and the

thing that I've been thinking about is

whether or not I should break up with my

girlfriend or not. And the reason why I

haven't broken up with her yet is because

when I imagine how sad and heartbroken

she's going to be when I finally tell her

that I want to break up, it crushes me

inside. I just— I can't do it. It's too

difficult. It's too painful. I can tell

how much she's in love with me. She's

already thinking about— no, she's already

decided that she wants a future with me.

She wants my baby. She wants to get

married to me so I can stay in Japan

long-term, and the thing is, I just don't

feel the same way about her. Living in

Japan has always been like a long-term

dream of mine, but I just don't think

it'll work out if I had to be in a

relationship with her. I just feel so

guilty that I've kind of led her to

believe that we have a future together.

When I was in Japan and we were together

for the 2 weeks, I just felt so bored the

whole time. Like, when we were in the car

traveling to her prefecture for like 2 or

3 hours. We hardly even spoke because I

had no idea what to talk about. We have

pretty much nothing in common. She doesn't

know anything about the things that I'm

interested in, and I don't even know what

she's interested in. As far as I know,

she doesn't have any hobbies. She even

said herself that she doesn't have any

hobbies or interests. She just goes to

work and then she comes home, and then,

you know, she does like what normal people

do, I guess, like cooking and then looking

after her daughter, then just watching TV

and then going to sleep. She doesn't

really have any interests that I find

interesting. I think one of the main

problems is I just don't feel physically

attracted to her. Now, I think that I

could overlook her unattractiveness if she

was interesting and we had like similar

interests or hobbies, but she doesn't have

that either. She's— I don't feel attracted

to her physically, and I don't feel

attracted to her emotionally, and I just

feel like there's nothing holding us

together. I just don't feel like there's a

strong emotional bond between us. I fall

for people really easily. If a girl starts

asking me a lot of questions and it seems

like she's really interested in me as a

person, I fall for her like straight away.

And the problem with my current girlfriend

is she doesn't seem to be interested in me

as a person. She never asks me questions.

She never like asks me personality-probing

questions or asks me about my past or my

opinion on things, and it just feels like

she doesn't really care about me as a

person. It's like when we have a

conversation, she hardly ever uses a

question mark or asks me a question. It's

just like if we phone, if we talk on the

phone for like 20 minutes, and if I don't

say anything, it's just complete silence.

She hardly speaks. I think I'm kind of

like a mirror. If I feel like someone is

interested in me, then I also become

interested in that person. But the moment

I sense that they're not interested in me

or that they're not interested in talking

to me, then I kind of reflect that back at

them and I become disinterested in talking

to them as well. And the problem is I just

don't feel like my girlfriend is

interested in me, and I also don't really

feel interested in her because there's not

really anything about her that I find

interesting. I don't feel excited about

talking to her. I don't look forward to

speaking to her. When I have to phone her,

it's like this feeling of dread, like, oh

God, another 20 minutes of boredom. I have

no motivation to talk to her about the

things I'm interested in because I know

that she doesn't care and that she doesn't

understand about the things I'm interested

in. Even if I could explain it to her in

perfect Japanese, she still wouldn't

understand. And I just don't care or have

any interest in the things that she's

interested in or the things that she

likes, which are very few. I know I

shouldn't string her along and make her

think that I actually like her because the

longer this goes on, the harder it's going

to be to break up. And the longer it goes

on, the more it's going to hurt for her

when I have to tell her that I want to

break up. The thing is, it's just so

difficult. I don't know which is worse,

having to be in a relationship with

someone that I'm not really into, or

having to break her heart. Because I'm not

like this horrible, heartless, cold

monster. If I really didn't care about

her, then yeah, I could just block her. I

could block her off Skype or on the

messaging apps that we use, and I could

just get it over and done with. But I

can't do that. I'm not that kind of

person. I couldn't do that to someone. It

would just be too— it would be too harsh.

I need to at least— I need to at least

explain to her my feelings before I block

her. Right now she currently thinks that

I'm going to Japan in July to see her,

and honestly speaking, I really don't want

to go to Japan in July. It's not just

because of the relationship, it's because

I absolutely hate Japan in the summer. I

avoid the summer in Japan at all costs.

It's so hot. Humid and sticky. It's just

unbearable. Also, I don't like where she

lives. She lives in like the middle of

nowhere. I'd have to stay in Nagano

Prefecture. My friends are in Tokyo.

Well, the few— well, the only one friend I

have is in Tokyo, and it will take like an

hour and a half to get there by bullet

train, and it's pretty expensive. And I

just don't know, there's just like nothing

to do in Nagano Prefecture. And if I end

up having to stay in an apartment in

Nagano, I would just end up being

in my apartment all the time, and then she

would come in the evening, and then I'd

end up feeling like a prisoner, like I was

trapped, like I couldn't get out. I really

don't feel like leaving. I feel very

comfortable with my lifestyle right now.

Things are going well at work. I haven't

had any problems with my coworkers or my—

or the Irish people. I actually got a pay

raise, so I get £8 an hour now instead of

£7.20, which is nice, and I'm saving up so

much money right now, it's great. I'm

having a lot of fun making YouTube videos,

especially for my gaming channel. Making

video game videos has been something I've

wanted to do for a long time, and if I

went to Japan, I wouldn't be able to do

that anymore because I couldn't take my

big computer with me. I'd have to get like

an expensive gaming laptop or something,

which I guess I could do. Right now my

life is just so simple and stress-free. I

just go to work for 8 hours, and then come

home and then do some gaming and then make

some videos and then do some drawing and

relax. It's just such a relaxing lifestyle

right now, and I don't want to leave it.

I actually broke up with my ex-Japanese

girlfriend, the one I nearly married, for

pretty much the exact same reason. I found

her to be incredibly boring. And the thing

is with me, I get bored with things and

people extremely quickly, and it's very

rare for me to stay in contact with a

person for a long period of time. The

difference between my ex-girlfriend and my

current girlfriend is that I actually felt

extremely attracted to my ex-girlfriend,

but still, even though I felt attracted to

her, because I found her to be boring, I

still broke up with her. It doesn't matter

how attractive a girl is. If I don't feel

interested in her as a person, then after

a few months, the sex gets boring and I'm

going to want to break up. So yeah, I need

to make a decision on whether I'm going to

Japan or not. I really feel like going to

Japan is a very bad idea. And I think what

I have to do is very simple. I have to

break up with her. I have to tell her as

soon as possible what my feelings are and

that I don't want to be in this

relationship anymore. It's just so

difficult, and I'm trying to find the

right time to do it. I don't really know

if there is a right time or not. I guess

there isn't. Right now we're not talking

much, and she's kind of like sulking at me

because she's sensing that I've become

cold, that things are different from

before we met, and I think she's kind of

sensing that I'm not that into her

anymore. And maybe that's a good thing.

If I continue not talking to her much,

maybe she'll figure out that I don't

really want to be in this relationship,

and she'll break up with me, and I won't

have to break up with her. And that's a

good thing because I won't have to feel

guilty about it. I'm starting to

understand why people say things like,

you shouldn't have sex straight away and

you should decide. If you want to actually

be in a relationship with that person

before having sex. But I'm just not that

kind of person. I am a have sex first and

then ask questions later kind of person.

I think for the next relationship, I'm

only going to have sex for love. Maybe for

money one more time.