I wasted my 30s... [nVHxEcJ3nmM]

There's a popular saying that goes, the

only constant thing in life is change.

But as someone who's 35 years old now, I

can speak from my own life experience that

nothing really changes permanently, at

least. For example, I might have drastic

life changes like moving to a different

country, getting married, having some kind

of serious relationship where we live

together, but it only lasts for a few

years at max. And then I'm back here,

back into my bedroom, my childhood bedroom

where I grew up in, and it's like back to

square one. Sometimes it feels like I'm

attached to this massive elastic band,

and every time I try to make progress

moving forwards, I can only make progress

up until the point where the elastic band

can't stretch anymore. It snaps me back

and it pings me back to my starting point

in life, which is my childhood bedroom. I

feel like the only constant in my life is

that I can never escape the clutches of my

childhood bedroom, and I somehow always

end up back here. So if you compare myself

now as a 35-year-old man to 20

years ago when I was only only 15 years

old, literally nothing has changed. I'm in

the same room, I'm in the same corner of

the bedroom, I'm sitting here playing

video games on my computer, and I've got

barely any money. I've got no job, I've

got no girlfriend, I've got no car, I've

got no property. I don't own anything of

value, and I'm still living in my parents'

house. There's like zero change compared

to 15-year-old me and 35-year-old me, and

I feel like that's a little bit sad

sometimes. Sometimes it just feels like

everyone I know, everyone around me is

either getting married, getting their own

place, getting a car, getting new jobs or

promotions in jobs or making advances in

their jobs so they can make more money.

And there's big improvements in their life

compared to a few years ago. And I'm

sitting here feeling like I have made zero

improvements. I've got less money than

I've had before. And I just can't help but

feel like life's a little bit unfair for

me. Why can't I make any improvements in

life? Why can't I move forwards and then

stay in the place that I've moved forward

into instead of regressing backwards every

time? So basically, wasted my 20s just

meaninglessly traveling to Japan over and

over again, trying to find a wife or

trying to get a girlfriend, having these

very short-term, pointless relationships

that didn't really lead anywhere, didn't

really give me anything new that I could

use later in life. They just were a bit of

fun, like short-term fun, and then it got

toxic and then I had to end it or get out

of it somehow. And I spent my entire 20s

just messing around, I guess, trying to

find out or figure out what I want to do

in life without even finding out what I

want to do in life. Now I'm in my 30s,

halfway through my 30s, on track to also

completely wasting my 30s. So I've done

nothing new in my 30s compared to my 20s.

I've just done the same traveling to

Japan, traveling to random countries,

getting into relationships that I thought

would lead somewhere but ultimately didn't

lead anywhere. And I'm thinking to myself,

how long can this possibly continue? At

some point in my life, I'm going to be

like 40-something, 50-something, and I

would have wasted my 20s and I wasted my

30s and eventually it's going to reach a

point where I've wasted so much time in my

life, it's going to catch up to me and

there's going to be some severe negative

consequences where I just kind of messed

up my entire life. And people keep saying

to me, it's not too late. You can go and

study a degree, study a trade, start

getting a career. The problem is I don't

know what to study. I am not interested in

anything and I don't have the willpower or

the determination to actually start a

course and finish it. I have started

courses in the past and I just got bored

and I quit. After a few weeks. So I know

from my own personal track record,

anything that's difficult and challenging,

I will just give up and find a reason or

an excuse why I don't want to do it

anymore. And it'll just be a waste of time

and money in the end. I've had lots of

dream jobs in the past. So my first dream

job, I guess, was to be like a Japanese

translator. And then I wanted to be an

anime or manga artist. And then I wanted

to move to Japan and just work in Japan in

a convenience store. That didn't work out

very well. And then I wanted to become a

YouTuber and I managed to survive as a

YouTuber for nearly 7 years, but I feel

like that's starting to come to an end now

because I failed at doing that as well.

And then I also wanted to become an

investor, stock trader, day trader kind of

person, but I ended up losing loads of

money, nearly half my savings lost on the

stock market. And even after years of

trying to invest and try to learn how to

do it, I still just can't really break

through and figure out how to reliably

make good money, reliable money on the

stock market. So I have had dream jobs,

dream careers that I thought I wanted to

do, But then when I tried it out, I

realized this is actually really difficult

and really challenging. I can't do this.

I suck at it. And for some reason, I just

seem to suck at everything I try to do. I

don't have a natural talent. Some people

say I'm good at drawing, but I'm obviously

not good enough at drawing to be able to

get professional jobs or professional

gigs. I had this one opportunity where

this guy I knew who makes books, he wanted

me to do some artwork for his books

because he likes my artwork. So he made up

this contract and he agreed to pay me and

I agreed to make some drawings for him.

And I tried my best. I really did try my

best to do these drawings really

professionally and make them look really

good. But his business partner didn't like

the drawings. He kept saying they were not

good enough. They looked kind of weird,

the hands too big or the legs too short.

We can't use this for our books. And it

really destroyed me. It crushed me inside

because everyone kept telling me my

drawings were so good. So I felt like,

wow, my drawings must be really good. So I

kept trying to fix the illustrations. I

made the hand bigger if he said they were

too small. I tried to fix the pose so it

looked less wooden and less stiff, but it

was never good enough. So I had to just

say, I'm sorry, but this is the best I can

do. And they ended up not using the

artwork, but they paid me anyway out of

pity, I guess. I never talked to them

again, and I just kind of gave up on the

idea of doing paid illustrations. I do

enjoy drawing sometimes, but I only like

drawing what I want to draw in the way

that I want to draw it. I don't like being

told how to draw or what to draw. If they

don't like certain aspects of my drawing,

I don't really want to have to care about

that. But if they're paying me money to

draw a specific thing, I had to care about

it. I had to draw what they wanted to

because that's what they were paying me

for. And I just didn't really enjoy that.

I thought it'd be really cool to be a

professional artist and do commissions,

but I guess that's another failed career

attempt that I didn't have any luck or

success doing. So basically I've had over

15 years of trying to find something I'm

good at and something I enjoy doing. And

I've tried lots of different things and I

really tried hard on some of these things.

And I really thought, wow, I found my true

calling in life. This is what I'm supposed

to be doing in life. And I gave it a good

shot for maybe a few years at most. And

then I realize it's actually very

difficult. I'm not getting anywhere. And

then I give up and I move on to something

new. So I'm reaching this stage in my life

where I guess I'm middle-aged. If you

expect I'm going to live until around 70,

35 now, I'm halfway through my life and

I'm just feeling like, what's the point

anymore? What's the point in trying when

every single thing I've tried, it's like

100% track record of failure, giving up

and disappointment. And I'm just kind of

fed up of the feeling of failure and the

feeling of disappointment. And I don't

really want to bother anymore trying

something new or something difficult

because I know what's going to happen. I

also realized that moving countries

doesn't really fix anything. It's like a

temporary fix, but eventually the same

problems you had in your own country end

up catching up with you. And it's like a

nice way to escape from reality and it's a

bit of a distraction. But I kept thinking

that my problems of not making any

progress in life are because of the UK.

The UK sucks. I blame everything on the

country I'm stuck in. So I thought if I

move to Japan or move to Thailand or I

move to Korea or some other place, then

it'll fix all my problems in life. I'll

find what I'm supposed to be doing, get

some relationship, and that'll just fix

everything. It never does. So first of

all, you have the challenge of going to a

new country and setting up a new home,

trying to find a place to live that's not

really expensive. And then you have to

deal with everything in a foreign

language, or you just get your girlfriend

to deal with it for you. And then you just

feel like you're not really an independent

an adult anymore because you need your

girlfriend to do everything for you and

look after you. And it makes you feel a

bit like a loser because you can't do

anything by yourself. And at first it does

feel kind of exciting. You feel like,

yes, this is my new home, it's great here,

so much better than the UK. But then you

start to miss certain things like food,

speaking your own language to people who

actually understand what you're saying

without you having to dumb down your

language or having to slow down your

speech. And you start missing all these

little things, and then you get homesick,

and then you start hating the country

you're in again. You blaming the country

for not making any progress. And then you

realize, just because I'm in a new country

doesn't magically mean I'm gonna start

making all this progress. And you

constantly have to worry about things like

visa problems. How do I extend my visa?

How can I stay here longer? Oh, I have to

leave now. Where am I gonna go? Where am I

gonna stay? I've got to spend all this

money on hotels in a different country

whilst I wait until I can get back into

the country I want to be in. And it's just

such a massive headache, and you end up

just thinking If I'm just back home in my

own country, I don't have to worry about

any of this. The reason why I haven't

given up on life yet is because I keep

trying to think positively and

optimistically that one day I will find my

thing that I enjoy doing, that I'm

actually kind of good at, that I kind of

nerd out on, and it makes decent money.

Not loads of money, don't really care

about being a millionaire or anything,

but if I can make enough money to survive

doing something that I kind of enjoy,

then that's kind of success in my eyes.

But I still haven't really found it.

Don't know if I'm ever gonna find it.

Maybe in this next 5 years I might find

something, but time is kind of running

out. And I feel like as I'm getting older,

I have less and less energy to pursue new

endeavors. And I'm just feeling more and

more jaded and more and more bitter and

negative about things. And I'm trying not

to let that take over my brain.