[2016-09-17] My obsession with Japan is over.. [lQXalZehahw]

Okay, so today's video is going to be a

bit long. I'm not going to lie, it's going

to go on for a bit because I want to

talk about Japan. And Japan has had—

has been a big part of my life for a long

time until now.

And I'd just like to explain everything,

like document everything that happened

Just so I don't forget it. So this video

is going to be super long. It's not going

to be edited. There might be a few jump

cuts where I go to the toilet, but that's

going to be it really. Okay, so if,

if that's okay with you, let's begin.

Let's begin this exciting video.

Where did it even start? Okay, let's just—

let's go straight back to the beginning.

I was was 16, um, in sixth form in

secondary school. Sixth form is like the

year you do after you finish secondary

school, if you don't know about the UK's

education system. So I was in sixth form

and I was on lunch break and I was on the

computer, and for some reason I was

looking for robots, and then I came across

this picture of a, of a cartoon robot,

and it just looked so cool, and I wanted

to find out what it was. Um, it was one

of those mech suits from an anime called

Neon Genesis Evangelion, and I read about

it on Wikipedia, and I, I thought to

myself, wow, this looks really

interesting.

Okay, where were we? Um, yeah, I was in

school Wait, wait a minute. I just want to

try this. Found this in the fridge. I

don't know why we have so much beer in the

I've never tried this one before.

It's pretty good.

So I was in school looking for robots for

some reason, and I came across this, uh,

Japanese robot from Neon Genesis

Evangelion, and I thought it looked really

interesting. So I went home and

I decided to buy the DVD, and I bought it

and it came a few days later, and then I

watched it and it was so good. The story,

the characters, the art style, and

everyone looks super attractive. Like,

the women were so pretty and cute, and the

men look so cool, and I love the hairstyle

I even used to grow my hair long and style

it like in an anime way. I'll show you

some pictures in a minute, probably put

them up now. And then at first I watched

it all in English a few times,

and then bloody hell.

And then what happened? Yeah, I watched it

in English a few times at first, and then

I realized that if you press this button,

you can change the language to Japanese.

And I pressed it and I heard the Japanese

language for the first time, probably the

first time ever, when I was 16.

And was it 16 or was it 17?

I think it was 17. And I thought, wow,

this language sounds so cool.

How cool would it be if I could speak it?

I hadn't actually, um, thought about

learning it just yet. I was just getting

into anime. So after watching Neon Genesis

like 5 to 10 times, 3 times

in English and then like 7 times in

Japanese, I started to look for more

anime. I started to watch Naruto,

Bleach, Death Note. What else was there?

Hellsing. There were more, but I can't

remember. Those are my favorite ones. And

I watched them all in Japanese, and I felt

like I started to pick up words, and I was

starting to understand what they were

saying. And I was like, wow, maybe, maybe

it wouldn't be that difficult to learn

this language. I have been listening to

it. For over a year now watching anime

nonstop. So I started to look for websites

where I could learn Japanese. The best one

I found was yesjapan.com. This American

guy George Trombly and his host Keiko did

like this internet show. Back then YouTube

wasn't really a thing. It was just

beginning. There's hardly anything on

YouTube. Yeah, and they had videos on

their website And I watched— it was like

$1 for a video, and they had about 200

videos. I think I bought them all, but

they were so good. It was so entertaining

to watch, and I learned so much. I learned

all the basic grammar. I already knew a

lot of like the verbs and adjectives

because of all the anime I watched.

And, uh, yeah, I started to learn

Japanese. Started to become interested in

Japanese women. And then I

started to go on these websites, like

dating websites and pen pal websites. I

signed up to loads. And then I found this

girl. What should we call her? Should we

just call her S for now? Oh, fuck it. Her

name was Sayaka, okay? Her name was

Sayaka. Who cares? There's like a billion

Japanese people called that. So I met this

girl and we started emailing each other

and then we started talking on MSN. Yeah,

back, back then people didn't talk on

Facebook. I don't even know if Facebook

existed back then. We had MSN Messenger

and Hotmail. So we were on MSN Messenger

chatting to each other for pretty much

every day. And then we moved on

to Skype and we started doing Skype phone

calls. We talked to each other for about 4

to 5 hours a day in Japanese. My Japanese

was terrible at the beginning, but it

quickly got better and better because I

was just practicing it every day and I was

watching anime every day. I was listening

to Japanese music every day. I cut out

English from my life. I wasn't doing

anything English. In English. I wasn't

watching English shows, wasn't listening

to English music. I wasn't even talking to

English people apart from my family. And I

was talking to Sayaka every day for about

4 hours on Skype and chatting. And this

went on for about 2 years.

And we considered each other as girlfriend

and boyfriend. I said I liked her, would

she be my girlfriend? She said yes. And I

know it sounds kind of stupid because we

never actually met, but we did actually

think of each other as boyfriend and

girlfriend. And we used to talk about all

kinds of things like, like the future,

like getting married, having kids,

moving in together. It's kind of childish,

isn't it? We were just teenagers. We

wanted— we never had We've never been in a

relationship before then, so I guess we

just wanted to experience love even though

we never met before. It might not have

been true love, but it was like some kind

of form of love and we wanted to

experience it. I guess that's why it went

on for so long, and it

was really nice just to have someone to

talk to every day. And feel

like someone cared about me that wasn't my

And then what happened? Right, yeah, and

then 2 years later, I was eventually

planning on going to Japan at some point.

I was just trying to save up the money and

build up the confidence. I had never been

to a different country on my own. I had

never flown to another country on my own

before, so It was all really scary.

And yeah, 2 years passed

and this went on for about— for 2 years.

Yeah, I said that. And then one day,

one day she suddenly told me that she met

this guy. He's from Czech Republic

and that she didn't like me anymore and

that she was gonna go out with this guy.

And I was just so— I was crushed. I was

devastated. It was like my world had

ended. Everything was over. I ran

downstairs shouting, she says she wants to

break up with me! She wants to break up!

My mum was just sitting there like, what

the hell are you going on about? And then

I just like broke down. I told my dad

about it and I just started crying in

front of my dad. I had never cried in

front of anyone. I don't even know if— I

don't even think I cried at all until

then. And I talked to my dad

a lot. He just listened, and then he told

me like his experiences with

relationships. It's kind of embarrassing

now that I think back on it.

And I was like in this state of depression

for months and months. I had got a new

job at that time. I was working at my

dad's company in his office, and things

were going really bad there. There was

this guy called— well, I won't tell him.

I won't tell you his name. I don't know,

I could tell you his name, but I feel like

I'm doing something wrong by telling you

his name. And I really didn't like him,

and he didn't really like me, and I really

hated working at my dad's company, so I

quit. I had worked there for 5 months,

and the pay was pretty good. Oh, hiccups

now. And pay was pretty good, so I'd saved

up like £6,000,

and I'd saved up enough money to go to

Japan. So I was just gonna go, you know,

just forget about Sayaka, everything that

happened. I actually met this new girl

online called Sayuri,

and I decided to go out there and meet

her. So I went out to Japan,

to Osaka, and I met her,

and things didn't really work out. We

ended up breaking up after a month. But I

was in Japan for about 5 months in total

the first time I went. Ah, so much

happened. I met this Korean girl, we

started— we had like a thing. Then I met

this second Korean girl, and I I thought

she liked me, but she didn't really. It

was just so complicated. All these stupid

relationship things happened. You know, I

was young, I was a teenager, I had like no

experiences with women and dating, so I

kind of fucked up everything.

I don't really know where to take the

story from here. Do I go into the

relationship part or I just stick with the

Japan part? Hold on, let me think. Okay,

let's just go back a bit. Let's go back

to— okay, we'll step out of the

relationships part and I'll just tell you

what happened the first time I went to

Japan. So I went to Japan, I chose Osaka

because I wanted to meet this girl, and

things didn't work out. And I met all

these people at the guest house and I

started hanging out with them. And then,

yeah, the first month I was in Japan, I

didn't make— I didn't have any friends. I

didn't meet— I didn't talk to anyone. I

was in the guest house, but I was so

scared to talk to people. And I was just

waiting for Sayuri the whole time. And she

was kind of busy. Like she was in

university, she was applying for jobs, so

she couldn't be with me like all the time.

And I was just waiting for her, waiting

for her to come and see me. And I felt so

lost. Like I was in this strange country

for the first time. I didn't know what to

do. So I used to go to the shopping mall

and I used to just sit there. All day and

then go home and then eat dinner. And

this, this went on for about a month, and

then eventually people started to talk to

me. They started— I remember this Japanese

girl came over to me and she said, hi,

I'm blah blah blah, what's your name? I

noticed you're always sitting here eating

on your own. Why don't you come and eat

with us? And that's how it started,

really. And then after that, I started

mixing with everyone, talking to everyone.

And then a few weeks later, I started

going to Japanese school. I had signed up

to start this course, 3-month course in a

Japanese language school, and I started

there. And to be honest, I didn't really

find it very interesting because my

Japanese was pretty good compared to

everyone else. My Japanese was pretty

amazing because I had 2 years experience

talking to a Japanese person for 5 days 5

hours a day. My Japanese was pretty

amazing, if I say so myself. But I did

meet all these really nice people. Mainly

80% of the people in the class were from

Taiwan. So I had about 6 Taiwan friends

and I was in their friendship group and we

used to go out. We used to go to karaoke.

We used to go out to eat. It was really

fun. I never had that like socializing

experience before. I never went out or had

groups of friends when I was in the UK. I

did when I was younger, we just played

video games.

But as a young adult, I never

really socialized like that before. And

then, yeah, after a while, a few days

later, this— there were these 2 new girls

at the guesthouse and they were from

Korea. And they talked to me and I talked

to them and kind of got in like a

relationship with one of them.

And yeah, that was really nice.

That lasted for about a few months and

then she went back to Korea. And it was so

sad. I remember she left on the ferry and

then I came back to the guesthouse and I

just felt so alone because up until then I

had spent every day with them going out to

places, eating together. I felt like I had

a family. Like my own group of

people that I could feel comfortable with.

And they just left. They went home to

Korea, and I was on my own again. And I

just went to the roof of the guesthouse,

and I just started crying, and I couldn't

stop crying for ages and ages. And then I

just went back to my room, fell asleep.

And then after that, I just— I went back

to being alone. I didn't— I didn't want to

talk to anyone. I didn't feel like

socializing. I was so depressed. I didn't—

I even stopped going to school, to

Japanese language school. I skipped so

many days. I didn't even— I didn't even

finish the course because I didn't turn up

to the last day where they, you know,

like the graduation day where they hand

out the certificates. I didn't even go

because I was so depressed.

And my Korean, I guess, girlfriend.

I don't know if it was a girlfriend. We

weren't really in like an official

relationship. I don't know why, mainly

because of age difference. She was a lot

older than me. But she actually came back

to Japan for a week just to see me, and it

was really nice. We spent the final week

in Japan together. And then I went home

back to the UK. What happened after that?

That was— what was 2010?

Yeah, I think I decided to do my GCSEs

again because I had a really bad English

GCSE grade, so I decided to do English

again. And then I started

saving up money to do the working holiday

in Japan, which happened the next year. I

went back to Japan for the second time,

this time to work. And that was— that

lasted for about 4 months because I

couldn't stand the job.

And I had this girlfriend back then as

well. This French girlfriend.

And things were really bad. The

relationship was really bad. She had like

lots of male friends. And they were really

physical, like touchy, and I really hated

it. Like, they would touch her and massage

her and like play around, and she would

play back, and I'd feel really jealous.

And I'd— I was so jealous, I'd get angry,

and I'd start— I'd tell her, I don't like

it when you mess around with all those

guys. And at first she thought it was cute

because she, she was happy because I was

jealous, and that meant that I really

cared about her. But I kept getting more

jealous, more and more jealous, and we

just argued all the time. We ended up

breaking up, and I quit my job, and I

ended up going to Korea. And that was like

the beginning of the cycle of going to

Japan and going to Korea and then going

home, then going to Japan, then going to

Korea, then going back home. I did this a

total of 4 times over the next 5 years.

And this year was the last time I did it,

but this time I went to Korea, then Japan,

then Taiwan, which is kind of strange. I

don't really feel like I'm gonna do that

anymore. I don't really see why. I don't

really have this obsession over Japan

anymore. I hate anime. I can't stand

anime. It's just so stupid and boring.

I can't stand Japanese music. I can't

stand Japanese TV. There's nothing

Japanese-related that I like.

I just feel like I

have no interest in Japan anymore, not

even the slightest. I feel like I've

changed so much since then,

so I just don't really see myself going

back to Japan anymore. I really feel like

this year was the last, last time You

never know, I might change my mind like

next year. I might feel like, hey, I want

to go to Japan again, let's go! And then

I'll feel kind of silly saying all this.

Anyway, I just feel like it's the end of

an era where I was completely obsessed

with Japan. You should have seen my room

back then. I had posters all over

the wall, anime posters. I had anime

figurines, I had manga books all over the

place. I was a complete What's the word?

Weeaboo? I hate that word. It sounds so

stupid. But I was such a Japanese nerd.

Otaku is the word, really. Person who's

really into anime.

It's kind of funny just thinking back on

it, how obsessed I was. But that

obsession, it motivated

me to socialize and to learn a language.

I can still speak Japanese. I just— it's

just not as good as I used to be, but I

can still have a conversation. If I met a

Japanese person, I'd feel pretty

comfortable talking to them in Japanese.

I don't really talk Japanese on this

channel because I don't feel comfortable.

Obviously, I can't speak Japanese as well

as I speak English, and I feel kind of

like self-conscious. Like, I have a

certain amount of pride. Like, I don't

want to make mistakes on camera.

And about my first online girlfriend,

Sayaka, I'm still friends with her on

Facebook. She married that Czech guy,

Czech Republic guy, and she lives in the

Czech Republic now, and she looks really

happy. I don't know if I've told you this

before. I think I have. Yeah, she lives in

the Czech Republic. She looks really

happy, so I guess everything turned out

really well for her. I remember her saying

that she didn't see a future with me. She

wasn't— because I wasn't really career

orientated, I didn't have like a future

job set up. She said she was worried about

that kind of thing.

And this Czech guy was like in his 30s,

he had his job down, he was like some kind

of programmer, I don't even know.

I actually did talk to him. I said

something like— I sent him this long email

saying, me and Sayaka aren't friends.

We've been in a relationship for 2 years.

Even though we haven't met each other, we

had true feelings for each other. And I

said something like, I just hope you're

not gonna mess her around and that you're

genuine and you're not gonna hurt her.

And he replied saying that he's, he's not

gonna hurt her and he really loves her.

And then he said something like, good

luck, Daniel. You can do anything as long

as you set your mind to it. So that was

nice, I guess. The last time I spoke

to her was— it's actually last year. Last

year Christmas, she sent me a message.

Just one day I opened Facebook and it said

her name. And I was like, what? Whoa, she

sent me a message? This is so weird. I

haven't talked to her for years. She just

said, Happy New Year, how are you? I said

I was fine. Still not working, still no

job. She said I should find a job, it

would make my parents happy.

I finally found a job. I actually messaged

her a few days ago. I said, hey, I found a

job. But she didn't reply. I don't know if

she saw the message or not. I don't know

if she just ignored me. I guess it's kind

of strange. Usually people don't

talk to people, their exes,

ex-relationship people. They just delete

them and move on. I don't know why I'm

still friends with her. Sometimes I look

at her Facebook just to look at her

pictures. It's kind of creepy, isn't it?

Sometimes I really regret that I never got

to meet her. I just wish that I had went

out to Japan sooner before she met that

Czech guy. Maybe things would have been

different. I just wonder what would have

happened if I met her. Would I still have

liked her? Would I have realized

I didn't have any feelings for her if I

actually met her in real life? Because

sometimes you meet someone online and you

feel like you like them or you love

them, but then you go to meet them in real

life and it feels— everything changes.

You feel like you don't feel attracted to

them because people look very different on

pictures and videos, and then in real life

they seem very different. Like, you see me

on YouTube on this video and you have this

image of what I look like, but if you met

me in real life It'd probably be a bit

different. Like, sure, I'll look like

this, like, like I look like on this

video, but I'll look different. Do you get

what I mean? I'll be different. There'll

be like this different feeling. So that's

what it's like when you meet someone that

you've known online. So I just wonder if

I, if I had met her in real life, I wonder

if I still would have felt

like I loved her? And then would she have

felt that she would have loved me?

I don't know. I guess we'll never know. I

guess things turned out really well for

her. She's still married, still in Czech

Republic. I've been checking. I've been

checking routinely on what she's been

doing. I guess

I haven't— nothing's really changed for me

since then, like 6 years ago. Still in the

same house, which is a great house. I'm

not complaining. Couldn't really choose a

better house to live in. It's amazing.

Got a freaking huge garden.

But in terms of relationships, I don't

have any relationships right now. Still

alone. Don't really— well, I got a job.

But I don't really know if it's like a

long-term job or if it's a job that can

support me, make me independent. I guess

it is because the Nepal guy, he lives

alone, he lives in town, he drives a car,

he lives alone, he has a house, and he

does the same job as me. So yeah, why not?

This job can support someone. It might not

be a lot of money, might be minimum wage,

but it's a 40-hour contract. So yeah, you

could, you could live on this job. I could

become independent if I wanted to find my

own place.

The thing is, I just don't really want to.

I'd rather just stay in my parents' house.

I mean, I walk 5 minutes up the road to go

to work. It's perfect. People— so many

people would kill to be able to walk to

work. Like, so many people spend an hour

driving a car, on the train, on the bus to

get to work. I'm just so glad I don't have

to. So I'm quite happy staying here.

I guess the only reason I would move out

is if I got into a serious relationship

and we wanted to move in together.

I don't know. I feel like I've

taken a big step forwards. For 5 years,

I've avoided getting a job because I

was just lazy. Nothing motivated me to

find work.

And if you watched my previous video,

then you'd probably know why. I explained

the reasons that motivated me to get this

job. If it wasn't for her, then I probably

wouldn't have this job because I don't

know, I just need to be motivated. I'm not

an ambitious person. I don't have much

drive. I need, I need to have

a feeling like That I need to

feel motivated to do things. Usually a

girl. I know it sounds stupid and kind

of simple, but at the end of the day,

that's what, that's what my main

motivation is. Finding,

finding a partner, a mate,

a soulmate, I guess.

Not in like a pervy way or like a, like

just hooking up kind of way. I don't, I

don't think I'm that kind of person who

just wants like a one-night stand and then

bye-bye, next girl. I don't think I'm that

kind of person. I want something that's

long-term, that's real, you know?

Something that's real would be nice.

Okay, we're going off topic. We need to

get back to Japan. Okay, so when I was

obsessed with Japan, I was— I wasn't just

obsessed with Japan, I was obsessed with

Japanese people. I thought they were like

this perfect, really cool race of people,

and I really wanted to be friends with

them and speak their language. I even

kind of looked down on English people

because I was bullied during school. It

just kind of alienated me. I felt like I

hated British people because it just

reminded me of the time that I got bullied

in school. I don't think like that

anymore, obviously.

I realize now that's a really stupid way

of thinking, and it was slightly racist,

like Because I suffered racism,

I became racist. That's just so stupid.

I do feel like I've grown up a lot over

the last few years. I've stopped all these

stupid thoughts that Japanese people are

the perfect people. I've been to Japan a

lot. I realized Japanese people just—

they're just people at the end of the day.

They're no different to British people,

American people. They go to work. They

have families.

It's no different really.

And I think that's kind of like the sad

thing about people who become obsessed

with anime. They start to, they start to

think that Japan is like this perfect

country, that like a holy, holy sacred

land that they have to get to, have to

live in. But then you get there and you

realize it's just a country. You know,

same as anywhere else. There were

buildings, there were cars, people work

and live there. It's not like this perfect

wonderland that, that's depicted in anime.

But it just felt like a place I could

escape to. I was in secondary school, I

hated everyone, I didn't have any friends,

people thought I was weird because I

looked different and I was really quiet.

I was like the weird quiet kid who never

spoke to anyone. And I just hated everyone

and my life in the UK. And I watched anime

and it felt like I could escape to this

land of perfection where people looked

amazing and they had these really

interesting lives and there was like

magic and adventure and And I'd just watch

anime all day long and just get lost

in that world.

I kind of miss it, you know. I miss being

able to watch anime and become absorbed.

I just can't do it anymore. I watch anime

now and I just feel like, oh my God, this

is so stupid. They keep shouting, it's so

loud and irritating. The story— stories

are always the same. Stupid loser kid

who's really weak wants to become the most

powerful ninja. He wants to become the

most powerful pirate. He wants to become

the most powerful samurai. He wants to

become the best chef in town. And then

they slowly get more and more powerful,

and then they reach— like, they become the

most powerful thing that they wanted to

become. And then there were girls, and

then there were rivals. It's always the

same, the same bloody plotline. You know,

you just get sick of it. You realize that

there's a pattern in anime, and it's just

a stupid cartoon at the end of the day.

It's not real. It's not real.

It's just a stupid cartoon that some bunch

of Japanese guys in Japan drew.

So I think that's pretty much it. I talked

about the anime addiction, Japanese

relationships, learning Japanese, going to

Japan. I think that's pretty much it

really.

I don't mean to bash you if you like anime

and Japan, that's great. But I just feel

like for me, that part of my life is, is

over.

And I I don't really want to go back to

it. I need to,

I need to realize that.

I don't know. I just

feel sick of living in like a fantasy

land. I want to be like normal people.

I want to live in the real world, you

know, working, earning money.

Live— wait a minute, I don't even know

I just don't have any feelings that I want

to go to Japan anymore. I used to be so

obsessed about living in Japan,

meeting someone, getting married. It was

just like a stupid fantasy that I had.

Stupid fantasy. And I don't

even know why I was so desperate,

desperate to live in Japan anymore.

England, the UK, is an amazing country.

We have so, so much good stuff in England.

I mean, free healthcare, safety.

You kind of take it for granted. We— it's

a relatively safe country. People are nice

and pleasant. We have things like

benefits. That help people if they get

into trouble with jobs and disabilities.

We have Amazon. You can buy stuff on the

internet and it comes the next day.

It doesn't really get much better than

that. And I just really started to

appreciate how much of a great country

this is. Sure, there are bad parts and

there are irritating people— irritating

groups of people. You know who I'm talking

about. But overall,

in general, it's a pretty great country.

And if I had to choose between living in

England and living in Japan, I think I

would choose England.

I just don't have anything in Japan. I

don't have relatives. I don't have

friends. There's just nothing for me over

there. Just need to forget about it.

Focus on my life here, start building a

life here instead of keep running off to

Japan every year, pissing away money.

It's such a waste of money. Do you know

how much money I've, I've spent in Japan?

Like tens of thousands. Just going over

there, paying for rent, paying for food,

buying stuff.

And what do I have to show for it? I have

no relationships, no friendships. Any

friends that I made over there never

lasted more than a year. After a year,

you just kind of lose contact. Skills— all

I have is memories. Memories of

relationships, memories of failures.

Just, I guess, experiences. Experiences

are what I got out of it. I guess

experience is like the most important

thing. Helps you grow as a person, helps

you mature. You know, the person I am now

is what I became because of the

experiences that I had in Japan and

in Asia. Like, they They molded me.

They made me into this version of myself

that you see right now. So I

guess it wasn't really a waste of time.

Maybe later on it would lead to something,

like the dots will start to connect.

I think I feel so sleepy. That damn beer.

I told you I drink beer and I become

really sleepy. I just feel so dizzy.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea. Anyway, I

think I'm gonna end the video here.

Hope you enjoyed the video.

I think I've explained everything. Maybe

I'll make a part 2 if I feel like I've

missed something major. Anyway, hope you

enjoyed the video. This was like another

part of my life revealed, exposed to the

internet. Not that anyone cares.

I just get worried that I'm gonna forget

it, you know? Forget, forget what

happened. Maybe I'll get dementia later on

and I'll watch this. I'll be like, wow, I

did all that stuff. Sounds kind of crazy.

I could make a movie out of this. So yeah,

that's why I'm doing it. I just want to

document what happened and

share with you guys a part of my life that

was a really big part of my life for such

a long time. Japan. Goodbye, Japan.

I'm not gonna go back.

We're done. We're finished. I'm over you.

You're not— you're not a big part of my

life anymore.