my WIFE KICKED ME OUT - sad and lonely...

Testing,

uh,

testing,

testing,

testing.

Testing.

Hello?

Okay.

Finish testing.

Hello, finish testing.

The game sound loud or too loud?

Gotta make a stupid review of this stupid

game. Hold on. Oh.

I need a bigger table. Okay, let's see.

I need like a— one of those magnetic

iPhone stands.

Okay, that's fine. Okay, 2 hours,

start now. Body type, female, obviously.

Imagine caring about what her stupid voice

sounds like. Face and skin tone.

Oh, why do they go red like that when you

switch faces?

What's this?

Green hairstyle.

Yep, it's David Ford here, back with

another game review. Should you buy

Remnant 2? Today we find out all

the hairstyles look crap. I mean, what is

this? It looks like someone spilled ramen

spaghetti over her head. Ugly,

ugly, ugly,

ugly. Why are these women's hairstyles

like men's hairstyles? This is okay-ish.

Ugly, ugly, ugly, very ugly.

It looks like an egg. I'll just go with

red hair, I guess.

Why do games think we care about having

scars and little tattoos? No one

cares. Confirm.

Nightmare, veteran, or survivor? Well, as

a pro gamer, I think, I think I could do

nightmare mode. Can't be that difficult.

So today's plan, gonna play this for 1

hour and a bit, form an opinion if

it's good or not, and then I shall allow

my girlfriend to come back home. I had to

kick her out.

As an avid fan of Gunfire Games,

I knew I just had to play this game. Says

press space to skip. Skip, skip,

skip. Yeah, whatever. Okay,

yeah, it looks interesting.

Looks like Last of Us or something like

that.

It's so hard playing with the keyboard

because my laptop's so hot to put my hand

on. I don't know why my

laptop's so hot these days. It's like the

fan is not blowing at full speed.

Yeah, you guys are privileged

to be able to see a live review. Watch

this video get 50,000 views.

Alrighty,

as an avid fan of— I didn't even know what

Remnant 1 is. Have you ever heard of this

game series before? Remnant? I've only

heard of The Last Remnant, which was a

Square Enix kind of Final Fantasy game.

I've never heard of this Remnant. What am

I supposed to do? It doesn't even say.

I guess I just go this way.

Let's see if my controller works. My

laptop is so hot it hurts my hand to put

my hand on it to do WASD movement. Oh

yeah, controller works. So you

can punch, aim,

change weapon, reload, crouch,

roll. Why does it feel like Fortnite?

It looks and feels like Fortnite.

My first complaints The movement system

sucks. What do I do? I'll jump here.

How do you sprint?

Oh my god, what do I do?

Bloody root. How do you pick it up?

There's no button prompts. Oh, I guess

press X. Shut up.

Guys, my wife kicked me out. I'm so

sad and homeless.

Come on, what do we do? Open this door, I

Video and

sound quality is shit.

Testing video and

sound quality. Is shit? No, I'm using

my mic. It's probably your speakers are

shit. The game sound?

How can the game sound be shit?

I didn't make the game sound.

It's probably just a fan. Yeah, I can't

really turn the fan off, my computer would

explode.

Maybe if I was rich and famous I'd buy a

proper desktop computer.

Well, I don't really care if you could

hear the game or not, it's not very

important. This game sucks.

What is this?

I thought it was like Dark Souls but with

guns. Just seems like Fortnite.

All I can hear is your stupid fish tank.

Haha, well, I'm not gonna starve my fish

from oxygen. Sorry about that.

As an avid fan of Remnant 1,

okay, so the combat's like— oh, that looks

so shit.

The damage number font looks weird.

It's gonna be very hard to make a critique

of this game. What could

I say? I'm gonna have

to wing it, just say like, oh, it's

What would you say this game is like?

Like Fortnite? And are

there builds in this game, like talent

trees?

Traits.

And shoot the alien things.

The combat is rubbish.

What's she doing?

Am I dead?

It's gonna be so hard to make a video

about this game. I don't know what to say.

It's not really trending or anything, is

it? Well, I gotta make something.

Views are drying up. The way down, of

course, behind us. We're gonna have to

find another way out.

This game's so rubbish.

I don't, I don't think I can play this for

2 hours. This is so rubbish. I think I'm

gonna play for like 20 minutes and just

give up.

It's so bad.

It looks like some gaming

student just made it as like a project

over the weekend.

The enemies look so crap.

This is the worst game I've ever played.

It's so bad. Can you

imagine paying £40 for this?

Oh my god, this is so

boring. Stupid boring boss with a massive

life bar. That's why I hate boss

fights.

Were people hyped for this game? I'd never

even heard of it until today. It's the

only new thing on Steam. The next

new thing would be Armored Core 6.

There's nothing coming out that's hyped.

Starfield comes out in September.

What else is there?

All I can think of is I pump out more

Diablo 4 videos. To get a

snippet of views, a crumb of viewership.

I have no idea what to do for videos.

July has been so shit.

Nothing trending, nothing happening, no

Baldur's Gate, I already made a review,

got 4K views, made 10 bucks.

Main channel's dead, second channel's

dying. Oh my God, what am I

It's funny how doing YouTube for years

and years basically means

nothing at this point.

It's like I worked for years and years

making content. For what?

Like, at this point,

those years and years of making content

basically means nothing right now.

It's not like I built something that's

constantly generating a lot of money and I

can sit back and relax. If I sit back and

relax, I barely make anything.

Ford, what a great name.

Oh, shut up. Blah blah blah

blah blah. Stupid games.

Modern game design's so shit.

Uh, what do I do there? You have 1 trait

point.

Oh.

Your wife kicked you out? Yep, I'm playing

this game on this side of the street

plugged into 7-Eleven Wi-Fi.

She kicked me out when she found out I

slept with her sister.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh. It's the most

boring game I've ever played.

Where the hell's Wally?

I think I'm gonna give up before I even

find Wally.

Oh my God, I can't fucking play this.

This is so bad.

Jesus Christ, 20 minutes.

I need to develop more opinions.

The hell's that?

Don't care. Come on now, what are you—

the worst game I never played.

This is like— it's like a mobile game,

isn't it?

Select my archetype: Medic, Hunter,

Challenger, Handler.

I don't know.

Why does pressing A go back?

How do I choose it?

Select.

Why does— why is the game so laggy

looking? It doesn't feel smooth.

Let me guess, clickbait title? No, my wife

kicked me out. It's true,

she's a stupid bitch.

Chihiro, so stupid,

she married me. LOL,

what a stupid idiot. Okay, now I've got a

massive Sword.

So is the game gonna be fun now I've got

these new weapons? Why'd you

start the game off making it boring?

Do I stream on Kick? Uh, no, I can't

be bothered. I'd get like 2 viewers and

make no money. At least I'll make $5 on

Twitch ads.

Even Burger Planet makes more money than I

do on Kick. Doesn't Burger

Planet make like $600 streaming for a

month? It's more than that, mate.

Do gambling stream? Actually thought about

that. It could be fun, but I just lose

all my money. I want to make money, not

lose it. I'll just put everything on red

I like roulette.

Roulette. But I just, I feel like

gambling's a waste of time because either

you're going to win money and then you're

going to think, oh my God, I'm so good at

this roulette, and then you're going to

keep doing it trying to make more money,

and then you just end up losing your

money, and then you get angry, and then

you'll start trying to win back the money

you lost, and then you just lose even

more. So I don't see the

point of gambling because you're never

gonna make consistent money, are you?

You'll win, maybe you'll get lucky once or

twice, and then

that feeling when you lose the money is so

horrible. I hate it. I don't like it.

I did sports betting. I bet that England

would win versus Italy and I lost £500.

And then I played a bit of roulette, lost

everything as well. It's a waste of time.

Oh my god, I can't play this fucking game.

So shit.

Ford, is it? David Ford, pro gamer.

It's so hard to stream and make videos

after school. I'm just so tired, my voice

is dead. Can you hear my voice?

My voice just has no energy.

It's like about to break and just

croak out.

I don't know how I'm gonna make videos. I

have to tell my girlfriend to go

downstairs to wait for me. I've got no

energy because I'm tired after school.

You know, the hardest thing about doing

YouTube videos is fucking talking. Do you

know how hard it is to just talk when

you're tired and you're trying to sound at

least semi-energetic? So hard.

The hardest bit is just talking. I feel

like my voice has no power right now.

I hate it. Got this ulcer under my tongue

as well. Hurts when I talk.

The worst— the thing I hate most about

making YouTube videos and streaming is

having to talk. Oh, I want

to bite my tongue off and spit it out

sometimes.

It's like Fortnite. Had a baby with

Resident Evil.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

This is the worst game I've ever played.

I thought it looked kind of interesting in

the videos. I thought it was going to be

like Elden Ring but with guns.

This is so rubbish.

I think I'm done. I really can't play

this. It's so shit.

Why is this on the front page of Steam?

Imagine a team of people actually spent

hours and hours making this.

Why even bother?

This would have been impressive back in

like 2002.

You'd be like, oh wow, look at the

lighting. Oh, look at the shadows. But

2023, this is so bad.

Oh wait, I can't play this anymore. It's

so shit. Oh my God,

this is the worst game I've ever played.

Oh my God,

there's no way I could play this for 2

hours. I think I'm done. Oh my God.

Okay, well, I'll go and make my review and

let my girlfriend come back, I guess. So