[2020-05-29] I need to change my ways... [VZK8S7awvhA]

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about

the recent catastrophe that has completely

destroyed me mentally, and I've been

thinking about everything that went wrong,

all of the things I shouldn't have done,

and what I can change from now on to make

sure this never happens again. So in case

you don't know, my trip to the Netherlands

has been cancelled because Mila changed

her mind again. And the reason that she

doesn't want to meet me anymore as a

romantic couple is because— well,

it was because of a whole bunch of reasons

that I don't really want to get into, but

I think one of the the big reasons was all

of the YouTube drama and negativity and

people saying mean stuff about her and

harassing her friends. And I really need

to change my ways to not let this happen

again. So first of all, I think the, the

main mistake I made was filming her in the

first place. So step number 1 is

going to definitely be I'm not going to

film any more girls. This is the last time

you're ever going to see a girl on my

channel. If I meet any more girls in the

future, I'm not going to vlog it. I'm not

going to take a photo. I'm not going to

put her face on my channel. And I think if

I had done this in the first place with

Mila, maybe she still would have wanted to

meet me. And even if the girl gives me

permission to film her and she says she's

okay with it, I'm still not going to film

her because people just don't know how

they're going to handle online criticism

until it actually happens. They might

think they're going to be okay with it,

but then it happens and they realize

actually they don't like it. And some

people just really can't handle it. For

example, recently there was a Japanese

celebrity who was the victim of

cyberbullying and she took her own life.

And she probably wasn't even expecting any

of this to happen when she decided to

become a celebrity and appear on TV. And

then it did happen, and— well, I think the

lesson I learned was some people don't

know how to handle it and can't handle it,

and I shouldn't expect them to be able to

handle it. When I first met Mila, I didn't

really think anything was gonna happen. I

didn't think any serious— anything serious

would happen, so I just filmed it all,

vlogged it, whacked it up onto YouTube. I

didn't know that I would end up developing

serious feelings for her, And then the

vlog would end up coming back to bite me

in the buttocks. So in hindsight, I wish I

never filmed anything. It definitely was

not worth it, and I've taken all of the

videos down because I want to mean what

I say, and I want to show you that I'm not

just saying this. I am serious about it.

I mean, it's too late now to set them to

private because everyone's already seen

them and the damage has been done, but I

want to— I want to make this as like a

declaration that I'm not going to vlog

with any more girls that I meet in the

future because I just can't tell what's

going to happen. I can't tell if they're

going to react to the negative attention

badly. I can't tell if I'm going to fall

for them and then regret uploading their

video to my channel. So I think the safest

thing to do is just don't film them at

all. And I feel kind of stupid about this

because I didn't used to do this back in

2017. I, I would talk about dates

I went on, but I never actually filmed

them. I definitely didn't put their

pictures into the video. And when I

started dating Chihiro, my ex-wife, I

didn't even reveal her face until— how

long? I don't know, 4 months into the

relationship. I kept her identity very

secret. I never showed her face. Then we

did that first face reveal livestream.

But that was only after months and months

into the relationship. I didn't film

everything on the first date, and I

think the reason why I started doing this

was because I got, I got kind of desperate

and greedy for views. I saw these other

channels like Awkward Since Birth where he

goes on dates and he gets hundreds of

thousands of views. I saw this other guy

meet up with a Japanese girl and it got

over a million views, and I thought What

if I just went on a date and filmed it and

I got a million views? And I got kind of

desperate for views. All I could think

about was, I want views, that's the most

important thing. Well, after this

situation, I kind of realized that views

and money are not the most important

thing, and I would happily sacrifice views

and money if she gave me a second chance.

I got to this point where I was meeting

girls and going on dates just so I could

get content, just so I could make a video.

Not because I thought it would lead

anywhere, not even because I really cared

that much about having cereal. The main

objective was to film it and try and go

viral and get some views. And I kind of

realized that that's really stupid, and I

don't know why I became like that, and I

don't like it, and I want to change. In

the past, I went on a lot of dates with

girls that I didn't even feel any

attraction to, and I made, made videos

with them. For example, the Turkish girl,

Essex girl, Pia. And I didn't really care

about if it would upset them or not. I

didn't really think about how they would

handle the online negativity and the

attention because I didn't really feel

anything for them. There was no strong

emotion that I felt towards them,

so I thought, doesn't really matter.

But this time was different. I actually

ended up developing strong feelings for

this person, and my actions ruined

any chance of anything continuing to

happen between us. So in conclusion,

step 1, I'm going to go back to my old

ways where I would not film girls and I

would just talk about them. So I'm going

to try my hardest to protect the privacy

of any future girls that I end up meeting.

I guess the only exception would be if

they already have an online presence, so

if they already have a YouTube channel or

some kind of blog and they're already

putting their face out there by

themselves, then I guess it'll be okay to

film them. Okay, step 2: be

careful what I say. So I I say a lot of

dumb stuff on Twitter and Discord.

Usually I'm in a strange mood and I feel

like saying something really stupid.

Usually I don't mean it, usually I'm

joking, but it gets screenshotted and then

taken out of context and put onto the

internet for people to see. And the

problem is, even though I know it's not

true, other people might see it and

then think it is true because people see

screenshots on the internet and they don't

understand how easy it is to just fake a

screenshot and they just believe anything

they see. And I guess it's understandable

why if any normal person saw the stuff

that people say about me on these gossip

websites, then yeah, I can understand why

they would, they would warn people away to

stay away from me and they would run a

mile. And my solution is I'm going to try

to stop saying dumb stuff and making

stupid jokes, and I've stopped using

Discord. I'm thinking about deleting the

Discord server again. I feel a bit bad

because I know a lot of my viewers enjoy

using the Discord server, so maybe I'll

just stop using it and then let them carry

on using it. I don't really want to delete

my Twitter, so I'm going to keep my

Twitter, but I'm going to try really hard

to control myself and make sure I don't

say dumb stuff anymore. It's kind of

annoying because I really had to swallow

my pride on this. Because it kind of feels

like the haters won. They've stopped me

from making a kind of— a type of content

that does get good views all the time,

which is filming girls. And I don't

want to do it anymore because— because I

feel so devastated after what's recently

happened, and I just don't think I can

carry on doing my channel like this and

have that stable relationship that I want

so much. So I have to pick one or the

other, and I would happily pick the

relationship over the channel, to be

honest. And the final step is work

on myself. So I'm starting to feel kind of

fed up with feeling sad and moping about

and crying all the time, and I feel like I

have all of this pent-up energy and I want

to use it in a positive way instead of a

destructive way. And I thought I would

start exercising, so I got this— got

this dumbbell that I'm gonna start lifting

every day and see if I can try and improve

my physical appearance a bit. I'm planning

to eventually go back to Japan when they

start letting tourists enter the country

again. I don't know when that would be.

It might not be until the end of this

year, it might not be until next year, so

I've got plenty of time to get

in shape, and that's, that's going to be

one of my main goals whilst I'm stuck

here. Maybe I'll be able to do one of

those fitness progress videos in a few

months, see if there's any difference.

I'll post shirtless, topless pictures on

Instagram, so follow me there,

@rabbitsatefamily. And yeah,

this whole experience has really been bit

of a wake-up call that I really needed, I

think. It's just kind of sad that I had to

lose something— someone so important to me

in order to learn this lesson. But I guess

the, the most important lessons in life

are often learned the hard way. And,

um, yeah, I'm definitely struggling right