[2023-09-19] Why i Hated my Gay Voice [awF3J2CDJ3M]

So you might have seen this video I made

back in 2015, over 8 years ago, about

PewDiePie and his subscribers. And you

might have noticed that I sounded very

different back then compared to now. I

guess you all know the channel called

PewDiePie. As you may be aware, he has how

many? 40 million subscribers. But I

made an interesting observation. Most of

his videos only have around 2 to 3 million

views, right? That video has to be my most

embarrassing video I've ever made. Even

more embarrassing than the one about my

love doll or the ones about cheating. If I

had to be embarrassed about anything I've

made on my YouTube channel, it has to be

that one singular video because I sound so

weird. You might not know this, but I

actually put a lot of effort into changing

how I speak just because I was so

embarrassed at how I used to sound. I

actually really used to hate my voice. I

remember taking a video on one of my

cameras back in 2008 or 2007,

and I heard my voice for the first time

and it just sounded so weird and

embarrassing. You might be thinking, oh,

you only spoke like that because you were

new to YouTube and you were kind of

nervous to be making a video. But I don't

think so. I think I always used to speak

like that and I just never noticed until I

started doing YouTube. And it wasn't until

I started making videos that I realized,

yeah, I sound really dumb. I need to try

and change that. One of the fun things

about making videos is you can go back 5,

6, 7 years ago and see how you used to

talk or how you used to look, and then you

can kind of laugh at how stupid or dumb

you used to sound or look. So back then I

used to make a video, then I'd watch it to

analyze what can I fix. For example, I

realized I pronounced the word subscribers

really incorrectly, so I put a lot of

effort in trying to pronounce it properly.

I don't really know why I used to talk

like that. I think it's a combination of

not really going out much or having any

friends, not really talking much. When I

was a teenager during school, I used to be

very quiet and I used to get picked on

quite a lot, even by the teachers. They

used to make fun of me and call me names

like chatterbox or motormouth, and I never

really spoke much. I just kind of sat

there minding my own business,

daydreaming, and the other kids used to

think I was really weird because I was so

quiet. I had a couple friends at school,

but they were also kind of nerdy, very

awkward and shy, and didn't really talk

very loudly or very manly. And then after

I finished from secondary school, I

basically just stayed at home all day

playing video games by myself in my room,

and I didn't have any friends. I didn't

socialize at all. Some days I didn't even

talk to anyone. I didn't even say a single

word, maybe just like hello good night to

my mum and dad when we had dinner. But

apart from that, I didn't really say much.

There were actual days where I only said

maybe between 5 and 10 words. And then in

my early 20s, I started to go to Japan and

I did start to socialize. But then I only

hung out with women and girlfriends, not

really with like a bunch of mates or with

a bunch of men that would teach me how to

speak like a man. So it was like this

weird combination of different things,

such as not really speaking much, so I

didn't really practice using my voice very

much, didn't really have any manly man

friends, and also Also, my dad was very

soft-spoken, kind of effeminate in the way

he spoke. And then I kind of had this

phase in my life where I thought talking

like this was really cool. And if I had

like a very soft voice, it was like really

trendy. And then I realized later I just

sounded kind of dumb. Looking back at my

old videos, I noticed I had a lot of weird

speech patterns, such as I used to say

subscribers instead of subscribers, and I

used to say TH as an F, like thank you

instead of thank you. I remember when I

first started thinking about making a

YouTube video was back in 2014, and I

tried making this video where I filmed my

face and I filmed myself talking, and I

hated what I made so badly. I wish I had

the video still because I'd show it to

you, but I probably deleted it. I really

hated my face and I hated my hairstyle and

I hated the way my voice sounded, and I

really wanted to be a YouTuber, but I

just— I hated everything about myself so

much I couldn't do it until I tried again

a year later. I was so insecure about the

way I looked and sounded. I can't believe

I actually stuck with this YouTube thing

for such a long time and I didn't just

give up along the way. The main reason why

I decided to start YouTube in the first

place wasn't really because I wanted money

and I wanted girls, because I never really

believed I would ever get money or girls

from doing YouTube. That just kind of

happened later by luck. The main reason I

began my YouTube channel was because I

wanted to fix the way I sounded and I

wanted to improve the way I looked and

came across as a person. I really wanted

to sound more confident and become a

better speaker. And I thought making

videos and recording myself is a great way

to practice speaking. And I was also kind

of lonely. I wanted someone to talk to. I

felt like I had all these interesting

stories from Japan and Asia and all these

different funny girlfriend relationship

stories, and I had no one to talk to or

tell these stories to because I didn't

have any friends and I wasn't really very

close to my family. So I thought, okay,

I'll make a YouTube channel and I'll talk

about this personal stuff because I can

practice my speaking and I can also share

these experiences I've had. So I do feel

pretty proud of myself that my speaking

skills have improved quite a lot since

those days, but I still make mistakes and

there's still things I say in a way that

I'm not really happy about. For example,

I was saying balding, you know, when you

lose all your hair, I was saying it as

balding instead of balding. I still make

these weird mistakes and I'm not perfect

at speaking yet, and I don't think I ever

will be. Looking back, I am quite pleased

with how I sound now compared to how I

used to sound. I also find it kind of

ironic that I managed to turn speaking

into my full-time job job when I used to

be like a very quiet person who never

spoke at all. Whenever people complain

about me being quiet or not being very

talkative, I feel like I'm being attacked

on a personal basis. I really feel upset

and insulted when people start hating on

me in real life because I'm not very

talkative and I'm very quiet. It happened

back when I was in a guesthouse in Japan.

I remember there was this German guy who I

never really spoke to. He was talking

about me behind my back. To an Australian

guy who I was friends with. And I

overheard the conversation because I was

outside in the corridor. And the German

guy says something like, you know that guy

in the living room? He's always on his

phone by himself and he never talks. He's

really weird, isn't he? And then the

Australian guy, he was nice and he stood

up for me. He said, oh, that's Daniel.

He's all right when he has a few beers.

And then a few years later, I was at the

same guesthouse. This time there were

different people there and there was an

American guy there. And then he got really

drunk and then he just said to my face

directly, it's really effing weird because

you're so quiet and you need to talk more,

blah, blah, blah. And again, I felt really

upset because I do want to talk. I do want

to socialize because I'm a human being and

I want to socialize too. It's just I'm

kind of scared because I've got like this

anxiety and I'm very nervous and I'm very

shy. It's just really frustrating because

in real life people think I'm weird

because I don't talk. And then on the

internet or on YouTube, people think I'm

weird because I talk too much, like I

overshare personal details or I say dumb

things or I say stupid things. Or have bad

takes or bad opinions about stuff. So it's

like I can't win. In real life, I don't

talk enough. In YouTube— on YouTube, I

talk too much and everyone hates me

because I say stupid things or I overshare

personal things or I say mean things about

people. If you look at how much hate I got

on YouTube back when my videos were

popular, maybe it would have been a better

idea if I did just keep my mouth shut.

Maybe the reason why I'm so quiet nowadays

in real life is because I'm kind of

worried that I'll say something that's

upsetting to someone. I'm not really great

at having good opinions. I kind of have

like the wrong opinion about almost

anything on every single topic. And my

voice is kind of running out of energy

right now because I've already made 2

videos today and that's like my limit

before my voice starts running out of

power. So thanks for watching. Goodbye.

If you have any comments you'd like to

make, Make them in the comment section.

And I guess I'll see you— see you