My dad died

I think I'm just gonna come out and say it

instead of dragging it out.

Um, I don't know if I can do this stream.

It might go 2 ways. I might just seem like

an emotional— emotionless rock, or I might

start bursting out into tears.

A few days ago— I think I'm gonna cry,

actually. A few days ago,

my dad died.

Oh shit, I can't even say that without

crying. Fucking hell.

Oh, can't do it.

Um, yeah, a few days ago Yeah,

he died.

Didn't think that would be so hard. I

thought I could at least say the first bit

without breaking down.

I want to try and explain what happened.

I just need to try and get myself together

first.

So sorry, bro. Um, thank you,

Siberian Music. So this is how it

happened. I'll just give you an overview

of the last week.

Sunday, Sunday he was, he was getting

better. He was looking pretty good and the

nurses and the doctors, they were all

hopeful. They said that Dad was looking

good, his color was coming back, he was

speaking, he was trying to speak, he

couldn't speak because he had a pipe down

here. He was moving his lips but no sound

was coming out. He was trying to speak.

And Sunday was really tough because when

we first went in on Sunday, you know, he

was fine. We went to see him, he smiled at

us. We told him things and he, he kind of

smiled and tried laughing.

And then later

during the day on Sunday, he just became

really emotional. He started scrunching

up his face. He looked really sad. And

then he started mouthing things like,

I want to go home. He just kept saying, I

want to go home, over and over and over.

And he kept telling us, don't go, don't

go. It was really hard to see him like

that.

We kept telling him, you can't come home

now, you have to get better first. And he

kept saying, I don't care, I don't care.

He just kept saying, I don't care, I don't

care, I want to go home, over and over

again. And the nurse told us to,

to go because the more we stayed, the more

sad he was and distressed he looked.

So we just quietly slipped out of

the room and left. We came back the next

day. We came back the next day

and he was, he was sleeping.

So we didn't want to wake him up, and then

we came back the next day as well, and it

was the same. He was just sleeping. He

woke up for about 2 seconds. He looked at

us, did a little smile, and went back to

sleep. We decided not to stay because we

didn't want to wake him up. We wanted him

to sleep so he could get better.

Wednesday, My mum went by herself because

me and my mum had a massive argument on

Tuesday and I was really angry. I didn't

want to go with her. So Wednesday I didn't

go to the hospital.

And then we had a phone call Wednesday

evening. My sister wasn't here, she went

back to London. We had a phone call from

the doctor and she said that his blood

pressure went back down. And they

had to increase all the medication, but

he's not really responding to it. And he

got a new infection. He got a new chest

infection, which basically just started

all the sepsis all over again.

So all the progress he had made meant

nothing. He was back to square one.

And my

mum messaged my auntie and uncle who lived

next door. We all rushed to the hospital

around 10 PM in the evening.

I messaged my sister, she came down from

London. We went to see him and he looked

the same as he looked before. He was just,

you know, breathing Wednesday

evening, 10 PM. My sister got

there around half past 10. We were going

to stay the night because we thought he

would at least make it through the night,

but he didn't. Everything just,

just went downhill really quickly in about

30 or— 30 minutes to an hour, everything

just changed. His face just went

completely pale, and the kidney machine

kind of just stopped, stopped moving.

And the nurse said that there's nothing

they could do. He was on maximum dosage of

everything, and he wasn't responding.

He was still coughing even right until

the last moment. He was— he had a chest

infection, so he was trying to cough up

phlegm, and he kept making this face like

he was trying to cough.

And they, they started turning the

machines off, all the medicine machines

and stuff.

And after about 5 minutes after turning it

all off, he just, he died. He passed away.

It just happened really quickly.

He carried on breathing for a few minutes

after everything was switched off.

It was kind of scary.

They told us he had passed, but he was

still breathing for about a minute, 30

seconds. About a minute, about 30 seconds

to a minute, he was still kind of moving

and twitching. We all just stood there

looking at him. Can't believe it.

And now he's gone.

We, we thought he was going to make it on

Sunday and Monday. I have

a feeling that they were lying to us

because when we went on— went in on Monday

and Tuesday, they just said that they were

doing physiotherapy and he was really

tired. That's why he was sleeping. They

didn't tell us anything about the new

infection until Wednesday. Maybe that

was when the new infection appeared. I

don't know.

They had this plastic pipe in his throat

and they, they kind of like pumped out the

phlegm, and every time they did that, his

face looked like he was in a

lot of pain.

I don't even know if he knew we were there

at the last moment, during the last

I hope you and your family can be strong

heart. Thank you.

It's been 3 days now. He, he passed

away on the 6th. Now it's the 9th.

And then we got a phone call yesterday.

From the hospital. They say they don't

know why he died. They say they don't know

the cause of death, so they have to do a

post-mortem, which means that we don't get

the death certificate until next week,

which means we can't do anything. We can't

start the funeral process. We can't start

shutting down his bank accounts until we

How could they not know how he died?

I don't even know why he died, to be

honest, apart from he

wasn't responding. He wasn't getting

better even with all the medication, and

then they had to switch everything off.

Maybe if they didn't switch things off,

he would still be, be alive.

I asked, how did he get another chest

infection? She said, because He's attached

to this ventilator breathing machine.

So why can't— why can't they make the

place sterile? Why do they put him in a

room where he can get new infections? How

can he get an infection from the machines

that are supposed to be saving him? Maybe

if he didn't get another infection, maybe

he would have made it.

So I feel kind of worried. That the

nurses might have done something wrong,

or maybe they made a mistake, or maybe

they switched off the machines too soon.

I really hope that that isn't the case. I

really hope that they did everything they

could have done and there's nothing they

could have done to help him, to save him.

But now they're doing a post-mortem,

which means I don't know, does it mean

that they're gonna cut him up, open him up

to find out what happened?

His face just went white so quickly.

They, they took us out of the room so that

they could take all the pipes out and

clean him up a little bit so we could go

back in and see him without all the pipes

in him. It just— he

looked so different so quickly. He went

completely pale. His ears started to go

purple. He went cold really,

really fast.

We were supposed to go back to Japan on

Sunday. But I don't think we are now.

I was gonna go into the hospital on

Thursday, just me and my wife, because me

and my mum had a big argument. We weren't

talking. I was gonna go into the hospital

and see if I could talk to my dad, just

try and tell him that I might be going

back to Japan. I thought we would just go

back to Japan. I thought he was getting

better, and I thought Maybe next week he

can speak, and then my sister could put

him on the phone and I could talk to him

over the phone, and then I could come back

in a few months' time when he was out of

ICU.

I really thought that was how it was gonna

It's just so weird looking outside. I can

see his car, his car's out there, and I

automatically think, oh, he must be here.

I keep looking outside expecting to see

him walking around the garden.

I can't go back to Japan now. There's so

much to sort out.

Obviously I have to go to the funeral.

We have to go back into the hospital to

pick up handprints. They, they asked us if

we wanted a handprint, which is his

handprint in,

in some kind of clay, or if we wanted a

fingerprint pebble, or if we wanted some

of his hair. Me and my sister asked for a

I can't believe he died so young. He was

only 64.

My family have a pretty good life

expectancy. My granddad died at 81. My

grandmother died late, late 70s.

I still have Are they aunties?

No, they're not aunties. My grandmother's

sisters are still alive and they're over

80. All my uncles,

they're still alive and they're about 60.

One of my uncles is 67. My dad's uncles

and aunties, they died around 80.

So I don't think we've had— we have any

relatives who died that young, at 60.

Even the doctors said it was unusual

because he was healthy. He didn't smoke,

he didn't drink a lot, he had a good diet.

He changed all his diet since he got

prostate cancer. He didn't eat junk food,

he didn't eat bacon, he was always outside

in the garden, active.

There's nothing else he could have done

to, to be healthy. He was doing everything

right. Get a bag of

crisps with this and cheer up.

Thanks, Alvaro.

Not really hungry these days.

It's just so weird. If he was a heavy

smoker or heavy drinker, then Maybe then

at least we could say, oh well, he drank a

lot, so it's not really a surprise. But he

didn't. He should have been able to fight

off this flu, but he just, he couldn't.

Even with ICU, even with all

this medication, even with 24-hour-a-day

care, he couldn't fight off the flu. He

still had the flu. Weeks later, he still

had it. The entire time, he still had

the flu virus in him. It's just so stupid.

We have all this technology and

medicine, and we can't even fight off a

flu. We don't even have any medicine that

can fight off the flu.

How can we not have the technology or

science to beat a flu virus?

Everyone goes on and on about cancer, oh

cancer, the worst illness.

At least you can treat cancer. Even when

you have stage 4 cancer, at least you have

some time on chemo. At least you can

prepare. At least you can even— at least

you can talk. My dad couldn't even talk.

The entire time he couldn't say a word

apart from moving his lips. He couldn't

even move his hands, couldn't even message

us or anything.

And none of us even know— even none of us

even knew about sepsis, which is what he

had. He had sepsis,

which led to multi-organ failure.

We had this little diary as well. We were

writing in it every time we went to see

him. They asked us if we wanted it.

It's so depressing to look at it now

because we were saying things like, hi

Dad, you look better today. I think you're

gonna be fine. Can't wait for you to come

home.

He was supposed to read that diary when

he woke up. That diary was for him to

read so he knew what was happening when

he was in the coma.

Thank you, Francis.

Uh, thanks, Zach, as well.

I just can't believe there's nothing we

have that can kill a virus.

It just happened so quickly, so suddenly.

It was just such a big shock.

Only a few weeks ago he was absolutely

fine. We were here for Christmas, we went

back to Japan on the 6th, and then exactly

one month later he dies. The 6th of

February. We left here, went back to Japan

on the 6th.

Thank you, Brown Dynamite.

I don't know why he didn't get the flu

shot. If he just got the flu shot, he

might still be here.

And I was looking at his phone, I was

looking at his messages between my mum and

him when he got sick, and he

was saying stuff like, I'm worried I might

collapse again. And I

keep thinking to myself, if you were

worried, why didn't you go to the hospital

straight away instead of waiting for a day

or two? He fainted, he collapsed

on Sunday, and he just went back to bed.

They didn't call the doctor until Monday

afternoon.

I keep going backwards and forwards, keep

thinking to myself, why didn't he do this?

Why didn't he do that? He's always so

clever about everything else.

He's not a dumb person, he's a clever

Why didn't he just get the flu shot? Why

didn't he call the doctor sooner?

I hope you're okay. The greatest

experience a son can have is to be the

strongest person. At your father's

funeral, take what time you need for

yourself and your family. I believe in

you. Thanks. I'm not sure

when the funeral is going to happen. It

won't be soon. There's so much to organize

first.

Thank you, Katie. Very sorry for your

loss. We love and support you.

Don't ever stop doing YouTube.

Thanks. Um, I think one of

the frustrating, frustrating things about

this is he gets the flu a lot.

Every few years he gets hit by the flu

really badly. I think 2016 he had it

really bad. His leg— he said his legs

swelled up and he felt like he was going

to faint. We found

a memory stick of his. I put it into my

computer and it was full of personal

stuff. It was full of emails he was

writing to people. There's all these

different files and folders. There's one

that says Daniel's trip to Japan, my

sister, my mum, trip to Malaysia from last

year, and there's one folder that says

health. Where he talks about— where he has

all these different files and folders with

web pages and screenshots, information

about prostate cancer, but there was

absolutely nothing about flu. It's like he

didn't do any research about flu even

though he got it so many times.

Sorry for your loss, mate. Thank you,

Discover the Vibes.

Heart heart, love you. Thanks.

And he, he was sending emails to some

person. I, I didn't even know who this

person was, but I think I asked my mum.

She said he had a friend who committed

suicide and that person was his friend's

mum, and he was sending these really long

emails to his friend's mum, very personal

stuff. And he was talking about how

he got the flu in 2012 really badly.

I didn't even know about this because I

was in Japan at the time. I read it and he

said something like he got the flu, he had

kidney failure, his liver nearly failed,

he had to go to hospital for about 4

weeks. He was all plugged into machines.

I know this won't even scratch the surface

of the pain you're going through, but I

hope it helps. Praying for you and your

family to get through this. XOXO, Shari

Sue. Thank you so much for that,

Slot $100. Thank you.

Um, what was I saying?

Yeah, the exact same thing happened about

7 years ago,

2012. The only difference is he

didn't get sepsis then, and he was 7 years

younger then, but it was almost the same.

Kidney failure, liver started to fail.

He was in hospital for weeks.

He lost all his muscle. Mass, and he had

to come home and do weightlifting. I

remember him telling me that. He was

saying that he got the flu really badly

and he was doing weightlifting to get his

muscle back, but he never told me about it

in detail. I didn't know it was so bad.

2012,

same thing. And he still refused

to get the flu jab, the flu shot. I don't

know why he didn't want to get it.

That's what I keep thinking about right

now. So why didn't he— why didn't he

research about things like sepsis?

None of us knew about sepsis. It's amazing

how many people don't know what sepsis is.

I'm thinking about just doing a video on

sepsis,

like a sepsis awareness video.

I've never seen any programs on TV about

sepsis. So I kind of— I've heard of the

word before and I kind of had an idea. I

thought it was if you stepped on a rusty

nail and then your blood got infected. I

didn't think you could just get it from a

flu. You could get it from anything. Any

infection can trigger sepsis.

And it's basically the body, the human

body, your body is killing yourself. When

you get an infection, your body releases

chemicals into your bloodstream to fight

off the infection, but sepsis is when

these chemicals cause inflammation and

then cause all your organs to shut down.

That's my understanding of it. I'm not an

expert, maybe I got it wrong, I'm not

sure. I think that's what it is.

And even after you get sepsis, if you get

another infection like my dad did, you can

get sepsis. It starts the whole thing over

again.

I know the flu jab isn't 100%, and some

people— I've even heard that some people

got sepsis from the flu jab.

But it could have saved him.

It's so weird because when I, when I got

back from England,

we got— we went back to Japan after

Christmas. For some reason, I started

thinking about my dad a lot, and I started

making this video, this MS Paint

animation I showed some of you on it on

Twitch. I'm not sure if you remember, or

if anyone's here who saw it. I started

making this MS Paint animation of my dad

telling one of his stories when this guy

crashed his car into our garden.

For some reason, I was just thinking a lot

about him. And then

a few days later, my mum told me that he

had to go to hospital.

And then last year, for some reason, I

kept thinking about my dad on

his deathbed, and then me standing next to

him, and then him saying to me, sorry I

failed you as a father, Daniel. And then I

was saying, don't say sorry, you didn't do

anything wrong.

It's like I kind of predicted it happening

somehow.

And this is another tough thing.

Something I found on his USB stick were

emails between him and his brother. They

were having an argument and then he

suddenly started talking about me, he

said— let me see if I can find it.

I want to try and find it. I copy and

pasted his entire drive, his entire USB

stick, onto my computer. I still haven't

even looked on his computer yet. There

might be more stuff on there. I'm just

kind of scared right now to look at it.

Thank you, Artysoft. Let me

try and find it. Uh, where is it?

I don't think I can find— there's too many

files. I'll just try and remember, but he

basically said to us Brother, I don't know

what I can do to make you happy. If I

did know, then I could have applied it to

Daniel. I have only recently found out

that Daniel suffered relentless

racial abuse at his school,

which traumatized him and might

have mentally scarred him for life.

And ruined his education,

and I only blame myself for that. That was

really hard to read.

I never wanted my dad to blame himself.

For how I turned out.

I never told my dad how much I hated

school until. About 5 or 6 years ago, I

told him that I was bullied. He said he

had no idea. He said, why didn't you tell

me you were being bullied? I had no idea.

I told him I was so embarrassed that I was

being bullied, I didn't want to tell

anyone. He said he would have moved me to

a different school. I said,

wouldn't have made any difference. Even if

you moved me to a different school, I

would have just gotten bullied there.

I was the perfect prey for being bullied.

I was small, I looked different to

everyone, I had no friends. I wasn't, I

wasn't really a nice kid, you know. I just

kept myself to myself. I looked grumpy all

the time, hated everyone.

People just didn't really like me. I

wasn't a likable kid.

Thank you for the $30.

So I feel— I just feel

terrible that he blamed himself when

really there was probably nothing he could

have done. And even if he moved me to 100

different schools, The problem was me.

It was my personality. If I tried harder

to try and, you know, mix in with the

other kids and make friends, maybe I

wouldn't have been bullied so much.

Thank you for the, uh,

79. But I did start making friends in my

last year of school. I started I started

to make friends and I had my, my own

friendship group, and I did stop getting

bullied. But by then it was already the

last year of school. It was too late,

really. And I started to enjoy school when

I had friends. It was just the first 4 or

5 years which were really horrible.

Thank you, Linda.

And he was telling my uncle that he really

regrets moving me from a first-class

secondary school to a rubbish school. I

used to go to Cornwallis, which is a

pretty good school. We had to move— we

moved after my granddad died. We moved

into his house, which is this house, but

this house is too far away from

Cornwallis. So my dad had to move me to

Swadlins, which is a pretty bad school.

And then there was another email when he

was telling my uncle, um, when I first

went to Japan, he was saying stuff like I

just dropped Daniel off at the airport.

He's going to Japan all by himself!

He did all the research by himself without

needing any help. It just sounded like

he was so proud of me.

And then he was saying stuff like, Daniel

just sent me some photos from Japan and he

looks so happy. I've never seen him

happier. He looks like

he feels more at home in Japan than he

does here. So I could just feel

how proud he felt from that email.

I didn't talk to my dad much about stuff

like this. Me and my dad weren't really

that close.

It was just weird seeing this side of him,

this private personal side of him.

He's not— he wasn't really the kind of

person to just give out his thoughts.

He kept a lot

of his personal thoughts to himself, but

he was writing all these emails to his

brother. He's pretty close to his brother

and his friend's mum, and I just never

really knew this side of him.

Thank you, 600 Lotus,

for the $5.

I'm sad for you, buddy. My condolences.

I've watched since you had a tiny channel.

Emo.

What else did he say?

Oh, he was talking about when I came back

from Japan in 2012.

He said, Daniel's back from Japan.

And he started a computer science course

in college. That was when I started a

course in college. And then the next

letter said, um, Daniel doesn't know what

to do with his life career-wise. He can't

stick to anything. That must have been

after I quit the computer science course.

And then a few years later, it said Daniel

got himself a job at the petrol station.

He's doing night shifts, but he's still

doing his YouTube channel. And then it

says, who knows, maybe one day, uh, his

YouTube channel will get really big and

he'll be able to make a living off of it.

Thank you, Not a Real Channel.

Um, don't forget that everything that

happened in your past brought you to where

you are now. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Keep strong. Thanks.

My dad used to like my YouTube channel

back in 2016. My channel was very

different. I had about 400 subs,

and I used to make, you know, pretty tame

videos, just vlogs of what I'm doing.

I didn't talk about sex or weird stuff or

personal stuff, and my dad used to watch

it. He used to like it a lot.

And then around 2017, I don't know why,

but I just— I became weird. I just started

making all these videos talking about sex

and getting BJs and Japanese women and

dick cheese. You're definitely in a better

place. My condolences. Thank you.

In 2017, my channel just completely

changed, and I just started making all

this messed up weird stuff.

And my dad really didn't like it.

He never told me it directly, but my mum

would say stuff like, when I tried to show

your dad your videos, he would just walk

away. He would say stuff like, I don't

want to see that. If I want to see his

videos, I'll look for them myself. And I

looked at my sister's messages to him,

and he said something like, I haven't been

looking at Daniel's channel recently

because I'm worried it might upset me. My

sister was saying, his videos are quite

good recently, they're not that weird

I just felt like he was ashamed

because of the stuff I was talking about

on YouTube, and my sister

said, He was, but recently, um,

he was started— he started joking about it

and he was telling people that I was doing

YouTube.

He was always so worried about me.

Because I could never find a job. I could

never stick to anything. Even if I got a

job, I would quit after a few months. I

think he was really happy when I got the

petrol station job. He seemed really proud

when I started doing night shifts.

My mum was really happy as well, telling

everyone I was doing night shifts.

I guess I feel kind of guilty that I never

really made him proud.

Yeah, sometimes I wish I could have made a

channel, you know, like a normal channel,

like other people talking

about computers or maybe reviewing cameras

or, you know, not doing this really

personal stuff.

Not doing all this, you know, sexual

I have tried, you know, I've tried making

different types of videos, but they just—

they don't do well. People aren't

I think I'm just gonna ignore that stuff

that TerryTV just said. I don't really

feel like getting into a debate about it.

Thank you, Emoni Owens.

I believe you have a good heart. Be

strong. I think

I'm okay most of the time. My sister, my

mum, they're a lot worse actually. You

know, they're crying a lot. It's when I

start talking about it like this is when I

lose control.

The worst memory is definitely Sunday.

I wish I could erase Sunday.

I keep thinking about it, keep picturing

his face again, how distressed and upset

he looked. He wasn't in pain.

I think he was just sad.

You know, there's little details that when

I think about make makes me very sad. For

example, the bag he packed for the

hospital had all his stuff in. Don't feel

guilty, man. I am sure he was proud of

you. Do what's best for you, and I hope

you enjoyed your final moments and all the

happy moments. Thank you, Jackson.

Um, yeah, he packed this bag, and I was

looking I was looking through it and it

had stuff like— had

his vitamin D tablets, had his cod liver

oils, had his keys, his wallet, his

shaver. He probably thought he was gonna

come back a few days later.

And on that memory stick, his— the

last modified file was 2019,

5th of January. No,

9th of January. 9th, so it was 5

days before he got the flu. He was writing

this really long letter to some, some MP

about Brexit, stating his opinion on

Brexit. That was his last,

last thing he was writing.

9th of January was Wednesday,

and it says 2 PM. I can just imagine him

sitting at the computer writing it.

We went into the garage yesterday. I

didn't even know this, but he had this

huge hydraulic lifting machine under

his car. He has a sports car, pretty old

one, and it's always been

broken and he's always been trying to fix

it. I didn't even know he had this. My

sister said he bought it last year. It's

this huge blue hydraulic lift

There's— it's like a pillar on each side

of the car, and they're bolted into the

cement, into the ground.

I didn't even know he had that. He never

told me any of this.

I think he had plans to to fix the car,

to, um,

to, um, what's the word,

start properly trying to fix it instead of

just tinkering with it.

He had all these other plans as well. I

remember at Christmas he was telling my

wife that he was going to start a

vegetable patch after he retires. I can't

believe he didn't even get to retire. He

didn't even get to spend his pension.

Thank you, Kilala. Um, I don't know how

it feels like to lose someone close. I

keep thinking about it, but I still can't

imagine. Please heal with your family.

Keep thinking about your dad. Hope you all

the best.

Thanks, uh, Kredris. Thank you.

Can't see that message though for some

It was such a huge shock because we all

thought he was going to get better. We all

thought he was gonna make it. We stopped

worrying, you know, we were happy talking,

going into the hospital, not really

worried about it.

We thought for sure he was gonna make

And everything just fell apart in one day.

My dad was 64,

and the nurses and doctors, they said they

were surprised because it was unusual for

someone who is healthy, has a good diet,

doesn't smoke or drink. He isn't really

old. It's not like he was 80. He was 64.

And there's all these plans on his USB

stick for a loft conversion. He had all

the drawings done. He had all these

pictures of material— materials he was

gonna buy. He had all these plans.

It's tough because he had so many things

he wanted to do. He always had something

to do, always some kind of new project in

the garden, in the house, on his car.

He, he wasn't the kind of person who would

just sit at home being depressed, not

doing anything like I do. He always had

something to focus on.

For example, if I died today, I don't

think It'll be that sad because there's,

there's not really anything I want to do

in life anymore. I don't have any

ambitions. There's nothing I really

look forward to in life. It's not like I

was full of things I wanted to do.

So I can't think of a single thing I want

to accomplish in life. There's nothing

I want to build, there's nothing I want to

make. I don't have any projects.

But my dad was just completely different.

He was so driven.

I just feel bad for all the times we

argued. We had a lot of arguments about

silly things. I think the last big

argument we had was a few years ago when I

left a coffee cup on the fireplace

mantelpiece. He just came in, he said,

Daniel, please could you not leave your

dirty coffee cups lying around? And then

for some reason I was really stressed and

I snapped at him and I shouted at him. I

said something like, it's just a coffee

cup, why are you so stressed out about a

stupid coffee cup? Look at all your

rubbish lying around. Then he shouted back

at me. I think he said, it's my house, if

you don't like living here, you're free to

move out. Such a stupid

argument. There was this other argument

we had when we came back from Malaysia

about 6, 5 or 6 years ago, and we went

to McDonald's and I was really hungry and

I wanted to eat my burger in the car. My

dad said, wait, can you wait until we get

home before you start eating? And I

ignored him and I just ate anyway. He said

it stinks up the car, and then I said,

just open a window then. And then he

opened the window on my side fully open,

so all the wind was blowing into my face.

I was so angry with him.

And when I used to play World of Warcraft,

I used to hate him so much because I

think I was around 17 or 18. I was

completely addicted to World of Warcraft.

And as punishment, he would take away the

cable that connects the internet to the

router. I would wake up and it was just

gone. I couldn't access the internet, and

he would take it to work to stop me from

playing it all day. And I used to say

horrible things about him. You know,

I used to say things like, I hate you, to

him. Because he was stopping me from

playing a stupid game.

He took us skiing about 12 years ago. I

think I was 17, and I hated it,

and I refused to ski. I just sat there

sulking because I wanted to go home and

play World of Warcraft. He got angry with

me. He said, If you're just gonna sit here

sulking, then I'm gonna take away the

internet when we get back home. And I

feel really bad now because he loved

skiing, and I never showed an interest in

anything he loved or was into.

I feel mostly guilty. Being a shit son,

to be honest. Not showing an interest in

things he liked, not showing an interest

in what he was doing in the garden or in

the house. Just sitting here playing

stupid video games all the time.

I feel guilty for not talking to him more.

I'm not sure if you remember,

2 years ago I made a video about

Gimmeabreakman.

He's a YouTuber who lives in Japan,

and I said something like I wish I

had a dad who was kind of like, gimme a

break, man, who would tell me things

straight instead of keeping

quiet. And my dad saw that and he sent me

this email. I want to read it out.

I watched your video of— hold

on, what was that?

Uh, GG. Yep, thank you. So sorry

for your loss. Cherish the memories, your

life and family. He's in a happy place

now. Okay, I'll read the message.

I watched your video reply to that guy

Gimme a Break Man, and I was very sad

about your perceptions of me. And then he

says There's

an old cliché, you will only understand

your father when you become one yourself.

My father never showed any interest in

what I was doing, to the extreme of not

even asking what my job was. I never

understood that as he was always doing

engineering things, but never showed any

interest or helped me at all with my

motorbikes. I don't believe I am that bad,

I helped you with computers and and I'm

interested in your artwork and pictures.

My father never bothered— never bothered

to try and help me with college,

studying, or took me to London to buy

motorbikes. I had to do it all by myself.

But I don't believe I'm like that with you

and Sabrina. If I criticized you in the

way that Gimmeabreakman did, would you

have taken it the same way? I doubt it.

You would have just said I don't know what

I'm talking about. I used to watch your

videos last time you were in Japan, but I

don't want to listen to you pouring out

every sexual detail of your life. Your

appetite for sex is no different to most

other young men, and it might be of

interest to others, but I've been there

and done that. For me, it's personal, and

I've come to learn that it is best left

private because all people have very very

different moral viewpoints.

You mentioned us not speaking during the

trip to the airport. I was sad you were

leaving at the same time as happy for you

going off on a new adventure instead of

being stuck at home. I didn't know what to

say, and no point asking what you were

going to do in Japan since I doubt you had

any idea. It takes two to have a

conversation, and you are equally to blame

for the silence as me.

Thank you, Tariq, for the Super Chat.

I don't really know you, Daniel, but from

what I can gather, you appear to be a

calm, intelligent, respectable man that

any father could be proud of. Please know

your father's love was unconditional and

everlasting.

Thanks. He also says, I can't fake

interest in things, and gaming is one of

those things that's completely alien to

me.

And then he goes on to talk about

scientists in the USA have recorded the

arrival on Earth of a gravitational wave,

something only achieved for the first time

about 6 months ago,

triangulated its direction from space,

and passed the coordinates to the optical

radio telescopes, which seconds later were

able to see 2 neutron stars colliding and

going supernova. This occurred 130

million years— I feel like I'm reading a

Wikipedia article, not, not an email

from my dad. That's how I felt most of the

time. I felt like I was reading some kind

of science article instead of a message

from my dad.

It's weird because I love, I love sci-fi,

like Star Wars, but when it comes to the

science of space and stuff like that, I'm

not really interested.

But my dad used to love all that space

stuff. He used to watch this show called—

what was it called? The Sky at

Night. It was hosted by this guy called

Patrick Moore, and he used

to watch it all the time. They would talk

about the galaxy, the universe,

planets, stuff like that.

I wasn't really interested in it. I was

more interested in Star Wars and Star Trek

and sci-fi stuff.

I didn't really care about the science

part of it. I cared about the laser beams

and the laser ships and people fighting

and lightsabers.

You should plant a tree somewhere in

memory of your father. That's what we're

thinking of doing.

On Sunday, he kept saying he wants to come

home, so I think the least we

could do is, is bring him home,

even if he's not alive.

I think that's the proper thing to do. I

don't think he would want to be buried in

some graveyard in a church. I think he

would like to be buried here.

I just don't

know how I'm supposed to do YouTube now.

How can I just start making videos

again about and stupid stuff I usually

make videos about after all this happened.

Maybe I should take a break.

I don't know if I want to talk about

financial stuff. Do you think I should?

There's not really that much to say,

actually. Basically, he didn't write a

will, so everything goes to

And basically we have to sort through all

of his things to find accounts,

find insurance stuff, find pension stuff.

It's kind of shocking that he didn't write

a will. I thought it's because he's

always so prepared and he

always thinks of the future and he always

has a plan. It's just weird that he

wouldn't think about what would happen if

he did die. It's like he didn't think he

would die this quickly.

It's like he refused to believe that he

would die so soon.

And it's also kind of shocking that he

didn't get the flu jab because he's always

going— he always used to go on at me about

getting travel insurance when I went to

Japan. I didn't want to get travel

insurance, but he would always, always

make sure I got it. And if I didn't, he

would get angry. He would say, what

happens if you get hospitalized in Japan

and I have to remortgage the house to get

you shipped back here?

He was so worried about insurance.

Why didn't he get the flu shot?

Getting a vaccination is kind of like

insurance, isn't it?

My uncle said he got the flu shot. He

said, he said he didn't have any flu

this year.

Maybe he didn't think it would work.

Maybe he didn't think he would need it

because he was healthy.

It's like he spent— he put so much effort

into researching about prostate cancer,

he didn't spend much time looking up

about flu and sepsis.

He would just talk about it like it was

nothing. He would say, oh, I got the flu

pretty badly, my legs swelled up,

I couldn't move for days. It was like he

talked about it as if it wasn't really a

big deal. Oh, it's just the flu.

So what do we do now?

The first thing we have to do is We

have to wait for the postmortem to finish,

and then they'll give us the death

certificate, and then we can start

shutting down his bank accounts and

getting the funeral started.

I don't even know what's going to happen

to my wife, or if I'm— or when I'm going

to go back to Japan.

If I want to stay in Japan, I have to go

back at least by the end of March to renew

My wife's still here. She's pretty

depressed because she's been stuck in the

house for weeks and weeks. She's pretty

homesick. She wants to go

back. I can't blame

her.

Maybe I should take her out somewhere,

just go on the train, visit someplace.

I just don't really feel like it. I'm not

in the mood to travel or to go to places.

She went to London by herself.

Was it this week? It seems like it was

such a long time ago. She went to London

by herself on Monday. She went on a

Japanese tour. She went to Stonehenge and

Bath— Bath City so

she could talk to Japanese people.

Yeah, that was on Sunday because she

didn't come to the hospital. She wasn't at

the hospital when my dad was Trying to

speak.

It's kind of funny because we've kind of

switched, switched personalities because a

lot of people are coming over now,

friends, relatives, and usually I would

hide away because I didn't want to talk to

them, but I'm not. I'm talking to

everyone. People come around, I say hello.

I've been chatting. I chatted to my

sister's friend. She gave me a hug.

I chatted to my auntie,

but my wife has been hiding in the

bedroom all the time. It's like we've

switched, switched roles.

I just feel like right now Being alone is

scary. I want to be surrounded with

people, with my family. When I— when

there's people around, it doesn't feel so

bad. But when I'm by myself, I start

pacing up and down. I start looking

around. All I see is my dad's stuff, the

house my dad built, my dad's car. I keep

saying to myself, he's gone, he's gone. I

can't believe he's gone.

He's gone.

Being around people kind of takes your

mind off of that.

That's kind of why I wanted to do a

livestream. It just, it feels different to

making a video. I like having, I like

having the chat here. It makes me feel

like there's people watching.

Who's coming today? Um, my sister's

boyfriend's family are coming, so I

thought I'd squeeze in a quick livestream

before they got here. It's quite early. I

started at 7 AM.

I remember I always used to say to my dad,

what's the point in funerals? It's just a

big waste of money. And then my dad would

always say, funerals are very helpful.