I put yoghurt UP my YOU KNOW WHAT

Hello, hello.

Wow, look at the sky.

I feel funny. I'm not sure how to describe

Where's my yogurt?

How have I been?

Been okay, I guess. Same as usual.

Same as usual. It's like every single day

is the same day repeating itself over and

over.

Well, good news is I made a lot of money

day trading today.

And then I put yogurt up my bum, and that

was interesting. Actually,

it felt really good. It was like having a

poo, but going back in and then it kind of

disappeared. I don't know where it is.

It's still up there actually. Some of it

came out. I don't know where it's gone

actually. It just went up and then it

disappeared. And now I feel weird.

I don't know, I feel like kind of sleepy.

Not weird in a bad way, but like weird

in a fuzzy way. I don't know if that's

good for you or not.

What is the point of an enema? Because

that's basically what they do, isn't it?

They get like a pouch and then they

squeeze. Usually they do enemas if you,

if you're constipated, and they like

squeeze some solution up there to loosen

it up. But they don't use yogurt, do they?

They use like some kind of solution. I

don't know if the yogurt is bad or not.

Imagine you put something really Vicious

up there, like spice— spicy ramen

or something.

Need to clean out the yogurt, or won't it

just come out with the poo?

Do you think my body's absorbing the

yogurt through my anus?

It will rot. Well then, how come poo

doesn't get stuck up there and rot? I

think it'll be fine. What if it starts

coming out my mouth?

Probably won't do it again because it was

just kind of messy, even though it did

feel good. It was quite nice,

actually. It was really weird though.

Very weird feeling.

Yeah, maybe I should have a bath tonight

and try and wash it out.

Oh, I feel weird.

Kind of hazy.

Status on girls? Uh,

nothing really happening.

I didn't get any more matches, and I can't

be bothered talking to the matches I have.

I tried talking to them, but it's always

just the same, like, oh, what do you do?

Where do you live? What do you do for fun?

And then the conversation just dies. They

never ask me anything.

So I got bored and I changed my Tinder

location to Japan, and then I matched a

couple of Japanese women, started talking

to them, but they're kind of

boring too. They don't ask— they don't ask

you any damn questions. Why do they match

and then they don't even have any interest

in talking? I feel like I'm doing

the work all the time. I'm the one trying

to ask all the questions, and if I don't

ask any questions, then the conversation

I asked one girl, would you date someone

who does OnlyFans? And then she didn't

reply. I told her I did OnlyFans

and stocks, and then she just kind of

ignored the OnlyFans bit.

Can you get a good job in the UK with just

high school? Uh,

yeah, I think my friend, he did. He,

he only went to high school, secondary

school, and then he went to do an

internship for a tractor company. Then

they employed him, he worked there, he got

experience with farm vehicles.

So yeah, you can do— you got to do an

internship and get experience and stuff.

No, the Dutch girl is this other girl who

was messaging me, but I don't I don't

really find her attractive, so I ghosted

her. Don't tell anyone.

Don't really find anyone attractive right

now. Who's attractive?

Don't know. I mean, the Greek girl

is attractive, but there's complications.

Where do I do my trading? I do it on

Freetrade. I do

a bit on Trading212. There's this guy on

YouTube who really hates Trading212. He

keeps making exposed videos like,

Trading212 is going to scam you.

Trading 212 just secretly added new

rules. They're a scam. I've never been

scammed by Trading 212. I don't know what

he's talking about. Talking a load of

rubbish, all these people accusing these

apps of being scams. I've been using

Trading 212 for a year now and I've had no

problems with it. What is he on about?

Yeah, I did really good trade because I

opened a load of shorts and NASDAQ had a

big crash today, which was great. I think

I made about £70,

but then I made some bad trades as well,

so I probably

lost like £25 on bad failed

trades. So It's like a total of £40, £50

So I managed to get my day trading account

from £1,000 to £1,400 in— this is

week 4. Yeah, this is week 4 since

I started. So I've got 4 more days and

then it's been a month. And then, well, I

guess if

I manage to stabilize it at £400, it means

I made £400 in a month, which is okay, I

guess. It's like $550.

Oh no, the yogurt's coming back up the

Yeah, it's quite nice actually. 40% gain.

I don't have a 40% gain on any of my

investments. I've got like 10% and I've

been holding it for nearly a year now.

Some of these stocks have been in my main

trading account. And they've

just gone up like 10%, then 15%, then back

down 8%, then 10%. I really should just be

selling when they get to 10%. Otherwise,

I feel like I'm never going to make money.

They just go up and down, up and down, up

and down. One year later and then it's

still like barely 5% up. What is the

How did it feel? It felt really good. And

then I ordered myself a double-ended dildo

today. Actually getting into this anal

stuff, it does feel really good.

I just need one that, that's not too wide

because it hurts.

Problem is most of dildos is just too too

big. I want to

get some toys. I'm not sure what else to

get. Maybe get like a suction cup thing.

I can like attach it here and then make

love to the wall.

Oh, this is why girls unmatch me when they

find my channel because I say stuff like

that. Fuck, never gonna get a girlfriend.

This is becoming a problem, I think,

because I say so many weird things. Uh,

you just have to like click on any of my

streams and just scroll to any part, and

I'm probably saying something weird about

putting something up my bum, and then

that's it. Game over.

But then if I can't talk about stuff I

want to talk about, what the hell am I

supposed to talk about?

Oh, this is why I need a girlfriend who

doesn't speak English.

I need to meet like Some weird girl who's

like into pegging, and I

don't know, someone who's interesting,

not boring and prude. Not someone who's

like, "Oh, it's weird. I'm not into that."

Well, the weirdos.

Whoa, look at that plane! I saw a massive

passenger jet just fly over, and it looked

really big, like it was really close.

And I've been here for 3 weeks now, and

that was the only plane I ever saw. So if

there's a flight path, how come there's

not planes flying every day?

So yeah, I decided to finally order

something from the internet. I think how

it works is the mailman comes in the

morning and then just dumps everything

here, and then the guy at the reception,

he has to like sort it all out. But I'm

not sure where he puts the parcels. I

might have to interact with him.

Oh, there's a helicopter. There's always a

helicopter flying backwards and forwards.

So it might have— hopefully they don't

send it in like a really obvious box.

When I got my sex torso in Japan, there

was a big sticker of the sex torso on top

of it. It's so embarrassing.

You're on a slippery slope.

Hmm, I mean, I wouldn't mind trying it

with— what are they called— a trans,

as long as they look really feminine.

They call them new halves in Japan.

But if they've got like a square jaw and a

big nose and they look like a man, no way.

They've got to have that soft-looking

feminine face.

I bet most guys would enjoy it. They're

just, you know, they're embarrassed to

admit it because it's kind of gay. But

damn, it does feel good. Why is that?

I don't even know if I'm hitting the

prostate. I don't think I'm even hitting

the prostate. It still feels good anyway.

Probably not hitting it. I don't even know

But I feel so buzzed right now because it

was really good. You know when you have a

really good session and

you climax really hard, you just feel kind

of high? I bet— I reckon what I did

a few hours ago actually felt more

satisfying than some girls I, you know,

wanted. I've had some cheesecake with

women that was just really bad,

just really boring, not good. Sometimes

doing it yourself actually feels better

than the real thing.

But then I peeked out my peephole in the

door and then I saw this couple. They look

so cute getting onto the elevator. Just

reminded me of me and Mila when we were

staying at that Airbnb, going up and down

the elevator, going to buy food, coming

back, watching a film. Good times.

All the jerking off in the world won't

ever be as good as that kind

of couple stuff.

All the money in the world, all of the

cheese— I mean, self-cereal, all of the

hookers you can pay will never get you

that experience. Unless you pay like for

the girlfriend experience, which is really

expensive.

Am I bored of Manchester yet?

I'm bored of getting no action, I guess.

Would I use the toy to smack love into? I

tried, but it's too big. It wouldn't go

up. It really hurts.

It's just funny.

I'm not jealous of like famous YouTubers

or billionaires or millionaires. I'm just

jealous of like seeing a couple walk down

the street holding hands. I'd kill for

that. Kill this entire

fucking— I won't end that sentence.

That's naughty. I just

want to hold hands and go to the

supermarket and buy food.

That was great,

but you don't realize how great it was

until it's over. I remember getting really

pissed off every time I had to do that.

When Chihiro came home, I just want to

play Rainbow Six and, oh, I have to go to

the supermarket again. Oh, stand around

while she takes ages looking for stuff.

I just get really annoyed standing in the

supermarket waiting for her to finish.

She'd be like running up and down looking

for— I don't even know what she's doing.

Oh yeah, I do have yogurt on my wrist.

Okay, let's see what we got for dinner.

I might order some Huel again. Kind of

miss having Huel. Oh, I gotta be careful,

it nearly came out. I think I might have

to go to the toilet. I'm giving birth.

I got a clench. I swear I felt

like something was gonna squirt out. I

still got the yogurt.

So I got these beefsteak

chorizo burgers. Looks pretty good.

340 calories for one. And then I got

haddock.

Haddock is a funny name for a fish, isn't

it? I think it's my favorite fish. No,

Pollock is also a funny name.

You utter pollock. You stupid

haddock.

Yeah, I went to Sainsbury's Local to get

this, and then it cost me like £10 just

for haddock drumsticks and 2

burgers. And then the alarm goes off when

you walk out, which I didn't like, cuz

look It says security protected, but when

you scan it and pay for it, they don't

take the security tag off, so you trigger

the alarm when you go out and it's like

beep beep beep. It's really embarrassing,

so I probably won't go to Sainsbury's

Local again. I don't really like

triggering the alarm every time I exit.

I've got to be careful when I stand up

now. Yeah, I think Aldi's better. They've

got a wider range of stuff too. I was

gonna get chips.

Bit annoying because Aldi's full of

you-know-whats that I prefer to avoid,

whereas Sainsbury's Locals has

higher-class people.

I don't know. I got— the thing I love in

Sainsbury's Locals is they have these

delicious pork scratching puffs with

vinegar. That is so— oh my God, that is

the best thing I've ever tasted. You've

got to try it. I don't know if you have it

in your country, or maybe you can just

make it yourself. You can get pork

scratchings and then douse some vinegar on

it, but vinegar and pork scratchings That

combination is amazing.

Now I've got to be careful I don't get

addicted to it because they're really bad

for you. It's just like deep-fried pork

skin.

What else I get? Yeah, just the same stuff

as usual. I don't know what to do with

this chicken stock anymore.

Because I don't really want to make a soup

again. I used to use chicken stock to make

fried rice, but I don't have a frying pan.

What else did I get? Yeah, I got nothing

else to show you, sorry.

I want to get something interesting. I

feel like when I was in Japan, I was

always getting stuff and then I could talk

about it. Like, I got the fish tank, I

How's the rash on my hand? It's actually

gotten better since I started using the

cream. The cream doesn't burn anymore.

Also, it's getting a lot cooler, so I'm

not really hot. I think it's the heat that

causes it. Heat and stress.

Buy a frying pan? No, can't be bothered.

I might get some oil so I can cook up some

minced beef in the pot. Because you can

use a pot to fry minced beef, can't you?

So I could get minced beef, chop some

onions, get some paprika powder,

and make— I could make pasta, couldn't I?

Have I been to Ireland? No, I would

never. Ireland looks like the most boring,

depressing place in the whole world.

Why would anyone want to go to Ireland?

Full of drunk people on the street. I like

these little houses, the way they coil up

like that. I bet that's a Fibonacci ratio.

Who's Tom Daley? Is he like some vlogger?

The hell's going on? I see a fire truck.

Where's the fire?

Yeah, it's, uh, pretty lifeless

so far. I can't believe everyone ghosted

me and then stopped talking to me. I mean,

what the hell did I do wrong? I've been a

good boy for the last 8 months, don't you

think so? I think

I've been pretty good with my behaviour

since January. And then no one cares,

and no one's like, well done, Daniel,

here's my pussy.

Instead, everyone's just like, oh, he's

boring now.

Well, thanks for the advice, trying to

become a better person. That really

improved my life, didn't it?

Go back to your old self. I'm just

worried what

good would come of it.

It's just weird. I didn't care about it at

all last year and 2 years ago. You know,

I just made the craziest videos like my

girlfriend's stupid ugly bitch kind of

videos. And I didn't even think maybe this

is not something I should be posting.

Maybe this is not going to help my dating

career. At the time I

was like, oh fuck it, I'm just gonna post

Now I don't know.

I mean, if even if I was gonna go back to

how I was, I don't even know what to make

I thought trying to improve and show

better behavior would somehow

increase my chances, but I guess it made

me boring.

You know what's funny? I was watching Ice

Poseidon stream and he's also doing like

manifestation and journaling. The hell? I

swear I, I'm not copying him.

Isn't this weird how me and Ice, we're

kind of on similar tracks right now? We

both got dumped, we're both looking for a

girlfriend and failing, our channels are

both sabotaging our attempts, and then

we're both doing journaling manifestation.

Did you see his last stream? This weird

girl just turned up and then she's got a

channel too and she's really weird. She

like lives with this guy and they live in

this complete dump of a place.

She was really bizarre, like her head

movements. So she kept swiveling her head.

Very weird.

I have

a message.

Did— didn't you make fun of Mina for

manifestation? No, never.

What the hell? This girl just messaged me

a picture of my building.

That's weird.

Am I rich now? Crypto is pumping again.

No, because I sold like 2/3 of my crypto

before it started pumping. I'm so stupid.

Oh my God. A month ago I made that video

saying I'm going to sell most of my crypto

because I feel like it's going to drop

down to $20K and then it does the complete

opposite every fucking time. It does the

opposite of what I think it's going to do.

I had about $3,000 in Riot. I sold

$2,000 when Riot was at about $32K. Now

it's at nearly $40K.

Well, I put, put that money into stuff

like Alibaba, China stocks, and

ChargePoint, and they're all up about 10%.

So yeah, maybe it's not really

a loss because I just took it out of

Bitcoin and put it into different stuff

that's also going up. Everything's going

up. That's a weird thing. Not just crypto

is going up. Growth stocks are going back

up. NASDAQ's going up like crazy until

today. I had a bit of a pullback, but it's

really weird because the— because Bitcoin

was tracing the NASDAQ really closely,

rallying with it.

Did I really put yogurt up? Yes, I did. I

was making an OnlyFans video and

it's something I wanted to try for a long

time. It was really damn good. I'm not

going to lie.

I squeezed it in and then I squirted it

back out and then I ate it.

Look how dirty my pan is.

Damn, I forgot to clean my pan and now the

fat's dried up.

Why didn't I put foil?

It's not nasty. People do enemas all

the time.

It's also kind of like a probiotic

thing where you can It's got yogurt. I

mean, yogurt's got the probiotic stuff in

it, and then inserting it directly into

the colon is basically the same as eating

it. But I feel weird. I feel like—

I don't know if I'd say dizzy, but fuzzy.

I can feel this weird feeling,

like I can almost taste it. In my stomach.

I don't know if it's gonna hurt me.

Let me wash this quick, please.

Okay,

what do you think would be worse

for a girl to find out? Would it be worse

that she finds out about my OnlyFans or my

YouTube channel?

Because I told one girl I did— I told this

other girl I did OnlyFans because she

wasn't very pretty, so I didn't really

care. And then she was straight away, she

said, I can't

see myself dating someone who does

OnlyFans. And then she unmatched me

straight away. And then in her profile it

said she was a liberal. I thought liberals

were people who are open have open minds

and, you know, they're open to other

people's way of doing stuff. That's not

very liberal, is it?

I swear every time I go on Tinder

everyone's putting their political

leaning on it and everyone has liberal on

it. I don't see a single person who says

like conservative.

Maybe it's because I'm in the north.

Isn't northern England like really

anti-Tory? I can't get this stupid bit

off here. What is liberal? Is it like

pro-Labour? I don't know. By all these

political terms.

Why can't they just be down to fuck?

That's all I care about.

I just— I thought, you know, Manchester It

has the gay village and a lot of that

Pride stuff. I just thought people here

would be more open-minded about stuff like

doing OnlyFans, putting yogurt up your

bum. People are not very open-minded

here from what I've seen.

The only 2 people I told I do OnlyFans,

they all unmatched me.

Or they ghosted me, maybe because of

OnlyFans.

My ears! That was

so loud!

Oh, my ears just exploded.

That was louder than— louder than the fire

alarm.

Oh, my ears! That was so

loud.

Okay, what was

I saying? Yeah, I'm starting to feel like

the OnlyFans is actually more of a risk

than the YouTube channel.

I don't know, because if they find the

YouTube channel, then they find out that I

was married. And I don't know

if they'd find out I cheated because I

took that down now.

You think I should go to Brighton? But I

don't want to meet gay guys. I want to

meet girls who are not all prude. About

doing OnlyFans. I didn't think

people would be so against it.

I think it's not very nice, you know,

just make such a snap judgment because

number one, she didn't even ask what I put

on OnlyFans. I could just be putting like

pictures in underwear or sexy shots.

She doesn't know what I do on it. And then

she didn't even ask if I would consider

stopping OnlyFans, you know, if I got into

a relationship, which I would consider.

And then she didn't even ask why I decided

to start it, because a lot of people

actually made OnlyFans when the lockdown

started and they lost their jobs and they

felt like they had no choice and it was a

good way to make money from the home. And

they needed the money because they

couldn't find a job and it was lockdown.

It just seems a bit— don't you think it's

a bit dickish? It's like, oh, you don't

have any fans? Bye, unmatched. Fuck off.

I just think that's a pretty disappointing

way of thinking.

I would have no problem if my

girlfriend did OnlyFans, but as long as

she's not like banging 20 guys for videos.

I've seen this girl's OnlyFans, she has

like all these different guys she has sex

with. It's just, just makes me worry on

the safety part of it. I mean, I wouldn't

mind having like a casual thing with her,

but I wouldn't want to fall in love if

she's like banging loads of other guys.

Seems like OnlyFans has added another

layer of difficulty to my life now. Not

only was it difficult enough trying to

hide my YouTube channel, trying to explain

my channel, now I've also got OnlyFans.

She's like another thorn in the backside.

Oh no, I haven't made it easy for myself,

have I?

Now I'm thinking, yeah, it was nice Mira

was completely okay with it. It seems like

most girls are not okay with it.

I just don't get it though. Why are they

so against it? It's just like showing my

dick. The money's really good.

It's not like I'm doing anything illegal.

Find a girl who does OnlyFans. I can't

find any. I don't know why I can't find my

people anywhere. Where's all the people

who stream and vlog and do OnlyFans and

aren't— don't have a stick up their ass?

It just seems like normal people don't

aren't, aren't okay with that.

Is my OnlyFans growing? Yeah, since I made

that last video, I got about 15,

15 new members.

How do people find my OnlyFans? Because I

make a video on my YouTube channel and

then people click my link.

Sargon of Akkad said, if you're an

OnlyFans model, even if you're

good-looking, no one wants to date you.

Yeah, it's a problem that I did not really

think of— think about.

By doing OnlyFans, it further

dwindles the already small pool of people

who would have been interested in you.

So, you know, I'm already not very

appealing as a partner. So the

number of women who would have been

interested in me was already pretty small,

and now it's even smaller because probably

half of them would be not okay with

Yeah, it's very— that's

the trade-off, I guess. The consequences

of easy money.

Just the money's so damn good. I don't

want to give it up. I like the money.

I'd only give it up if I met a really nice

girl and then she was insistent that I

And now my YouTube channel is dead. I, I

really need the money actually,

unless I can get much better investing and

trading. Then I can't really poo poo on

the OnlyFans.

I guess, um, hookers also have the same

problem, but they can keep it a secret

better because I've got it plastered all

over my YouTube channel. Hey guys, I do

OnlyFans, sign up now! Because I have to

advertise it to get people to sign up to

it, whereas hookers, they do it

discreetly. They have

like an agency that handles it.

I wonder if hookers ever get found out.

Like, they find a guy and then the guy

finds out.

Get a real job? I think I'd rather just

die alone than have to get a real job.

Not having to get a job is still the prime

directive. It just sucks because not

wanting a real job is really, really

messing with my sex life now.

I don't know how I'm going to get a

girlfriend now, to be honest.

Tricky, because even if I go to a

guesthouse, there might be one person

there who knows me and then they'll blow

my cover. So I'm so,

so annoying because I'm not even famous,

so I'm not even making millions from my

fame, and yet people are recognizing— I

don't know how people are recognizing me.

My channel's so small.

All of the negatives of being famous and

none of the positives.

Maybe, maybe that's why a lot of girls

don't— maybe that's why I don't really get

fangirl messages anymore, because I made

an OnlyFans. Maybe it turned them off as

well.

It's just weird they all stopped messaging

all at once.

I wonder why. Did I do something that was

really bad? Why is

this pepper weird looking?

Oh, it smells funny. What?

Oh, can you make alcohol out of peppers?

But it says 12th of August expiry date.

It's— oh, it smells sour.

Let's just cut it off. Yeah, I wonder if

you can make alcohol if you just leave it.

Oh, it's all brown.

What?

Stupid Aldi. Yeah, it's all soft

as well. I don't

think I want to eat it.

Maybe the red one's fine.

Hmm, my bread had mold growing

on it as well.

Food expires so quickly.

I wonder if Chris Broad gets girls sending

him nudes. For some reason I can't imagine

it because everyone's so wholesome on his

channel,

but he's a good-looking guy and he's

successful and makes a lot of money. It

just— it would surprise me if he doesn't

get any nudes. And then why did I get so

many nudes? I'm not that good looking.

I'm not like a 2 million sub channel, but

I had so many girls hitting me up back

No, this one smells fine.

Chris Brodo,

my best friend from school.

Well, the attractive thing about people

like Chris is they're very motivated and

driven. He's probably more obsessed with

making the best ever YouTube videos in the

world than chasing girls. I'm just not—

well, I'm kind of obsessed with trading

and stocks, but that's more of like an

addiction thing than a passion. I'm just

so bored and non-passionless

that I just want a girlfriend because at

least I get to fuck then, don't I?

I guess that is the wrong way of thinking.

I wish I could be passionate about

something, you know, wanting to make

something really nice and really good that

people love,

putting effort into it. I kind of miss

doing that. I just don't know what to do

it for.

Okay, that's my dinner. Beautiful.

Do you

want to see my, my gains by day trading

gains. Look at those

sick gains. £30, £24,

£9. That's like £60. That's like $100.

Good money. 5 minutes until the market

closes. What's happening?

Oh, NASDAQ. Is crashing again.

Look at that. I put— so I put sell,

sell orders here, and then I waited

for it to drop down, and then I sold my

Yeah, my DM's all dead. Very sad.

It's just— isn't it just so depressing

when you log on to your dating apps and

then someone's disappeared because they

unmatched you? It enrages me like nothing

else. I matched this girl. She had like

ginger hair and she was kind of

nerd. Her profile said she's nerdy and

into witchcraft. I tried talking to her

and then she barely put any effort into

the conversation. And then I go back into

the app and then her name just disappeared

and they do it. So the app's really

annoying. They don't discreetly unmatch.

When you log back into the app, you see

the name and then it slides away, so you

know that they've unmatched you. Why can't

they just— well, I guess I'd know anyway

even if there was no animation, but still,

it's just a bit of a slap in the face

every time you get unmatched. Why did you

match me then if you're not even putting

any effort into talking and

then you unmatched me?

Really annoying.

Very difficult.

I don't know what to talk about to girls.

The best one I talked to, um,

we just were talking about Japan because

she was also interested in Japan. But then

after that, what'd you say? Did you say,

oh yeah, I went to Japan 5 times, it was

really nice, how about you?

I don't know why the people on the dating

app are so serious though. They're like

to find my future husband.

Jesus. Looking for your future husband on

Tinder. Okay. Where are the people who

just want to fuck?

They're so serious. They're like, oh, you

need to match all my criteria.

Did I— maybe it's

just different in Japan, but most of the

dates I went on in Japan ended up

with effing at the end.

But at least I could even get dates in

Japan. I had like the 15 dates in a month.

Here I've managed to get one date so far,

and we just had coffee for like 2 hours,

talked about Japan again— always end up

talking about bloody Japan— and then she

never messaged me again afterwards. I love

how the hills in the background are so

prominent. You see the sun glowing in the

Try Grindr. I made a Grindr and I got like

loads of guys now sending me dick pics,

but I only made it to try and promote my

OnlyFans. I don't know if that's allowed.

What time is it? 9 o'clock.

So check back 20 past 9 for the food.

I guess if I really want to meet a girl,

I just got to like bypass all of the

chitchat and the risk of them finding out

what I do and just like go straight onto

the streets, go to the bars. I just— I

can't do it. I don't know where they do it

here. Where's like the pickup area?

I can't do pickup. It's too hard.

Maybe I'll go to a bar and then get a bit

drunk. But then if I get too drunk, I

might start crying about Mida in front of

everyone. Imagine I drink too much at a

bar and I just— my head collapses on the

bar counter and I start crying. So

pathetic.

Ah, getting girls used to be so easy when

I was a famous YouTuber.

What do I want though? Because if I do get

a girlfriend, then I can't really go to

Japan, can I?

I mean, I do want to go to Japan and meet

Japanese women, but then

I would like a girlfriend. It'd really be

nice if I get a girlfriend, like a

temporary one, before Japan reopens,

because I want to meet this Japanese girl

that I'm chatting to. She seems nice.

And Japanese women, just more— I just

prefer them.

They're just, they're more approachable,

you know.

And I could probably vlog it and they

won't really— I mean, when I met the

single mother, I was vlogging the whole

thing and she didn't even ask me what I'm

doing. She wasn't like, why are you

filming everything? I don't know if

I'd do that again though. It's kind of

weird, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess Japan's not opening soon.

What do I do? This stupid COVID thing's

really ruining my sex life, which seems

silly because like there's all these

people here. Why don't I just have sex

with them? Because I can't. They don't

match me.

And then they're so unapproachable.

What is

the solution? Hmm.

I don't even know what video to make. I

was thinking of doing like a big clickbait

over-exaggeration title of,

my Tinder match unmatched me because I do

OnlyFans. Oh my God, I can't be bothered.

Those topics like Tinder, girls, dating,

they get rubbish CPM anyway. Probably just

make $20. Not worth it.

What the— Show

your face. No, I showed my face in the

And my hair looks bad. It looks good. The

weird thing when I cut my hair is when I

first cut it, it looks good, and then

after a day it looks bad, and then it

takes about a week or 2 to grow out a

little bit. To stop looking bad.

I wasn't supposed to cut it so much. It's

the back, because the back gets really

long, so I think, oh, I gotta cut the

back. But you can't just cut the back

because then you end up with like a

mushroom head that's really long on the

sides. So I have to cut the sides as well

and then end up having to cut everything.

You can't just cut one part of it.

So I only cut the back and then the sides

were like really long, made my head look

like a mushroom. So I had to cut the sides

too, but then there's all difficult bits

like the hair above your ears and around

your ears needs to be trimmed as well,

and then the top needs a bit of a trim,

and then this bit ends up being too long,

and then you end up having to cut the

whole thing, and then it looks kind of

weird now. Go to a barber

because they don't know how I like my

haircut. I can't be bothered to explain it

to and then I have to pay. So it's just

easier if I do it myself.

I went to a barber, hairdresser, last time

was in 2007, and they completely butchered

it. I brought a picture of like a cool

Japanese guy and I said, can you cut it

like this? And they didn't cut it at all

like that. They cut the fringe way too

short, they cut the sides way too short,

I was depressed for like 2 weeks because

they ruined my anime hair. And then I said

to myself, I'm never going to a

hairdresser ever again.

But can you imagine how much money I've

saved? I've probably saved thousands by

not going to a hairdresser.

Thousands.

I don't know how to explain how I want my

haircut. I'd have to say, uh,

don't cut the fringe too short. I don't

know, I don't even know. I cut my hair

based off of how I like it.

It's not that difficult, I guess, but it

doesn't look great. And then it takes

about a week or 2 for it to grow a little

and heal, so it doesn't look as bad.

And it's a bit of a lengthy process. I

have to keep trying to balance it and

fix it every day. So I keep finding

strands that are too long that shouldn't

be that long.

I feel like it's been ages since I

streamed. When was my last stream?

I did the— it was

last week, wasn't it? I forgot now.

I don't know what I've been doing. I've

been doing nothing.

Wow, life really got boring, didn't it?

At least when I was with Chihiro, stuff

happened. Like, we'd go to a restaurant,

or we'd go and buy some furniture. When

you're single, it's like life just stands

still. It just freezes. Everything I'm

doing now just feels so meaningless at

some point. In a relationship, at least

you got tasks to do because your wife or

girlfriend will be like, oh, I want to do

this, I want to get this, let's go

shopping. Otherwise, I just wouldn't go

anywhere

because I just feel like girls are

constantly doing really unnecessary stuff.

But then on the other hand, I'm doing

absolutely nothing because I feel like

nothing is necessary. Girls are always

doing really pointless things like, oh,

go to the nail salon, or I'll go

and get my hair extensions done, oh, I got

to go and get my shoe fixed, or I need to

go and get my watch chain fixed. They've

got like a million things they want— they

have to do When it all just seems kind of

pointless.

But at least then you end up going along

with them, and then you've got a place,

you've got somewhere to go instead of just

being at home every day. I don't have any

use for the city just apart from buying

food. But all these shops, I don't go to

them. I don't need to go to them. There's

nothing they have that I want. I don't

have anything that needs to be fixed. I

don't do my hair or do my nails.

And you might be thinking, why do you want

to live in the city then? I just like

looking at it. It's nice. It's better

than just like a field of nothingness.

Isn't it crazy? Like 500 years ago, all

this would just be a field or a forest. I

can't imagine it, just hills. It would

just be like blank hills with

tribes of people living in a hut.

Now maybe that's 1,000 years ago. 500

years ago there'd be a village at least,

and then there'd be like armies marching.

Can you imagine like the Viking armies

marching down from the north? To fight

King Harold. King Harold Godwinson

V, heir to the throne,

chopped down by William the Conqueror.

If only King Harold could see this now,

he would be amazed. Imagine King Harold

here in the street with his armor and his

knights, 1,000 years later.

Do a fan meetup? I don't know,

I'm just worried some weirdo would come,

like some hater or someone trying to

embarrass me. Like take photos of me and

put it on Reddit, or secretly record me

and then put it on Reddit. I'm very

paranoid.

I'm pretty sure most of those weirdos are

in America. Us British,

we're more normal.

Problem is, I've got the same kind of

weird audience Ice Poseidon has, and you

don't know who— what kind of

people would turn up.

It took me a long time to realize I've got

a very weird audience. I guess weird

content creator attracts weird audience.

Makes sense, doesn't it? I don't know why

it took me such a long time to realize

though, but now I think about it, they're

all weird. Bloody KC, and then you know

who, and you know who. The only non-weird

person was that Eugene guy in Korea.

I swear, if I did a community post saying

Do you have autism? I bet it'll be like

50% says yes. I swear, Casey,

Mira, they've all got autism. That Cesium

too. That Cesium definitely has autism.

He just looked weird when he came to my

Autism isn't a bad thing. It is when they

just show up to your house because they

don't realize that that's not normal. It

is when they do weird stuff that's fucking

annoying,

like messaging your wife because you don't

get the clue that I don't want to talk to

you anymore. It's not the autism in itself

that's bad, it's just they do fucking

annoying things like all the stuff Cesium

does, like showing up at my house at 4 AM

in the fucking morning.

The problem is they don't know it's weird.

They don't know that they shouldn't do it.

I mean, I guess I can't really talk much

because I've done a lot of weird stuff

that at the time I thought wasn't weird,

but now I look back at it, yeah, it was

pretty weird. Like when I met Chihiro's

lesbian friends and then I accidentally

told everyone they were lesbians, and then

they asked me to take the video down

because they didn't want their families to

find out they're lesbians. And then I

refused to take the video down because I

was like, but you said it was okay! And

then it caused a big fight between Chihiro

and her friends. Man, what a dick I

was. I mean, those were her friends. Why

didn't I just Take the bloody video down.

Instead, I managed— ended up causing this

big fight between her and her friends and

between me and Chihiro. And then I refused

to take the video down. Oh my God, that

was so weird. Why did I do that? Just take

the video down. Jesus. I just got annoyed

because they said, yeah, it's fine to be

in your video. And then suddenly they were

like, oh, I don't want to be in video

anymore. Can you blur us out? And then I

blurred them out and still not good

enough. They said, oh, can you take the

whole thing down? Just a bit

But I don't know if they're still friends

anymore with Chihiro. Hopefully I didn't

wreck— didn't ruin one of her friendships.

Yeah, over the years I realized a lot of

stuff I did was weird,

but I felt driven to do it for content.

Did a lot of embarrassing, distasteful

things for content. Uh,

can't really take it back now. The damage

has been done.

What if I have a bath and the yogurt comes

out in the bath? That'd be gross.

I saw there's a Jimmy Carr gig happening

in the Apollo Theatre soon. Maybe I should

go. I'm a pretty big fan.

People always complain about me saying

stuff like, oh, the stuff you say is so

horrible. You haven't seen a Jimmy Carr

gig then. He says way worse

stuff than I do. He says stuff like— he

makes jokes about his dead grandmother,

but it's funny because it's a joke. It's

not supposed to be taken seriously. But

then when I say stuff that's dark, all of

a sudden, oh, it's so horrible. Tickets

are like £30 and the Apollo Theatre seats

3,000 people. I don't know if they get

fully booked, but Jesus, if he sells all

the seats, he makes like £100,000. Jimmy

Carr must make so much money from each

gig. That's why he still does them, I

guess. I think it's next week actually,

or end of August. I don't know where the

Apollo Theatre is. I think it's in

Stockport.

I don't think I'd go.

What if he— what if he calls me out in the

audience? Because he does that, he like

interacts with the audience, brings them

up on stage. That would be so embarrassing

if it was me. And then if you get a seat

right way in the back, I wouldn't be able

to see very well because my eyesight is

bad. And then if you're near the front,

that's kind of embarrassing because he

might pick you out.

I love dark humor and the stuff, the jokes

he makes. It's kind of what I'm influenced

by. But then now I get in so much trouble

because I try to imitate it. And people

don't get that I'm just like taking the

piss. I'm not being serious. And then I

feel like I'm constantly having to

explain, yeah, I said that, but it's just

like trolling. It's just, it's not

serious. And then they're like, oh, it's

so horrible, Daniel. Fuck off.

Imagine going to a Jimmy Carr concert and

going, oh, Jimmy, you're so horrible. Why

are you making fun of your dead

grandmother? So horrible.

Americans don't get British humor. Yeah,

I know, it's the most frustrating thing in

the world. They're just like, oh, you're

so horrible. They don't get dark humor

at all.

And yeah, I'm not saying I'm a comedian

because obviously I'm not. I I guess I'm

not very funny, but that is the kind of

humor that I like, and people usually

try and imitate what they like, don't

And I used to watch a lot of him and—

who's that ginger Scottish guy? Something

Boyle. Frankie Boyle. I used to like him a

lot too. I just used to like a lot of the

really cynical,

horrible comedians. Also Simon Amstell.

I used to love it when he would just roast

the guests on the Never Mind the

Buzzcocks. That was just so funny.

I don't know why I get so many people

whining about me being horrible. Since

when did I say, oh look, I'm Daniel, Mr.

Nice Guy, I'm so nice?

Why, why do I have this immense

expectation of being like the nicest

person in the world? I don't get it. Why,

why am I not allowed to be a dickhead?

I say one negative thing about a person

and all of a sudden everyone's going, oh,

you're so Mean Daniel.

Fucking annoying,

calling me mean. I'm not mean,

stupid.

Oh shit, it's been 20 minutes. Why didn't

you tell me it's been 20 minutes? You're

the worst kitchen assistant I've ever had.

Quoting from my Scottish boss, you're the

worst kitchen porter I've ever had. I'm

glad you quit. This floor is so annoying.

Why is it so squeaky? Why is

it wooden? It's like I'm living on a ship.

Listen to that. I can't even walk without

squeaking.