Am I an extrovert trapped in an introvert's body

Hey, so sometimes I wonder to myself, am I

an extrovert trapped inside of an

introvert's body? I guess most people

would describe me as an introverted

person, someone who prefers to be by

themselves, who avoids people, and I guess

that's half true, but I don't really feel

like I could— I can call myself a true

introvert. I spend most of my time by

myself doing my own thing, and it can be

relaxing, it can be peaceful and

stress-free, but it can get really

depressing and boring and lonely

sometimes. I'm not saying that introverted

people don't experience loneliness, but I

think that a true introverted person would

be pretty happy with this kind of

lifestyle. But I don't feel happy with my

lifestyle. I don't feel satisfied with a

life of solitude. I want more. I want to

socialize with people. If you want to

socialize, then why don't you just get out

of your house, go and find people, go and

make friends and socialize? Because I'm

scared to. If I was a confident, outgoing

person, I would love to go to social

events, bars or clubs and meet people and

talk to people, but As someone who suffers

from social anxiety, meeting new people

and talking to strangers is something that

really terrifies me. I start to think

things like, people don't want to talk to

me, or people don't like me, or they're

not interested in me before I've even

spoken to them, which I know is

ridiculous. The fear of embarrassment and

rejection can be so strong and powerful

that it takes a lot of effort for me to

actually put myself out there and interact

with people. One of the main reasons why I

enjoy going to Japan so much isn't just

because of girls, it's also because it

gives me the chance to socially socialize

and to meet new people. It takes me out of

my comfort zone, which is my parents'

house, and it forces me into a situation

where I have to talk to people and I have

to interact with people that I've never

met before, and I enjoy that even though

it's really scary. Okay, but why do you

fly all the way to Japan just to do

something that you can easily do in your

own country? Well, because I'm scared

to. Maybe it's because I was bullied for

about 5 to 6 years by British people. I

kind of feel intimidated by British

people, and London doesn't really seem

like a safe or welcoming place that I

would want to go to. When I go to Japan,

I feel safe, I feel comfortable. I don't

feel intimidated by the people there as

much as I do here. Also, I enjoy speaking

in Japanese. There's something comforting

about speaking in a different language.

It's kind of like you can become a

different person. It's, it's like you're

wearing a mask. But even when I'm in Japan

and I have that mask, it can still be

extremely difficult to approach people and

to talk to people. Most of the time when I

go to a guesthouse, I don't actually

approach people by myself or introduce

myself to people. I sit there and I wait

for people to come to me. The first time I

went to Japan, I sat in the guesthouse by

myself for at least 4 to 5 weeks until

people started to notice me, and then I

started to make friends. After I became

friends with them and I got to know them,

I felt really stupid. I felt like, why was

I so scared of them? There's nothing scary

about them. These people. They're really

nice and friendly. And something that

surprised me was they told me that they

thought that I didn't want to be

disturbed. They thought that I wasn't

interested in talking to people. They

thought that I was a bit unfriendly or

that I didn't want to be disturbed. But

that wasn't true. It was the opposite. I

wanted to talk to people. I want to become

friends with people. It's just that I was

scared to. I was too shy. When I'm in the

guesthouse in the living room and I see a

group of people talking, I really want to

join them. I want to join in the

conversation. I want to sit next to them

and be parts of what they're doing, but

it's just too scary, it's too difficult,

and I end up walking straight past them,

sitting in the corner of the room, and

pretending to be busy on my phone. If I

just sit there on my phone pretending to

be busy and I don't talk to people or

greet people or try to make eye contact,

then yeah, I guess it does make me look

really unfriendly and kind of like I don't

want to talk to people. I thought that as

I grew older it would get easier to

socialize, but after what happened last

year when I went to Japan, I feel like

it's gotten worse. Last year I became

fully non- nocturnal, and I ended up

avoiding people completely because I

tricked myself into thinking that they

were boring or they weren't worth talking

to, just so I didn't have to face my

fears. There have been a few times in the

past where I tried greeting someone and

tried starting a conversation, and they

just ended up in embarrassment and

rejection. There was this German guy, I

asked his name and he just told me his

name, and he said, he said nothing

afterwards, so I gave up trying to talk to

him. And then there was this British guy,

I asked him, hey, are you from England?

And he just said Yes, and then he walked

off. There was also this one time when I

tried talking to 2 Korean girls and my

body was shaking. My whole face and my

lips were trembling because I felt so

nervous. And every time I asked some

things, they kept replying with one-word

answers. It was just like they weren't

interested in talking to me at all. So I

gave up and I never spoke to them again.

I felt so stupid for even trying to start

a conversation with someone. And then I

decided that it's better to wait for

someone to come and approach me and start

a conversation with me rather than

experience that embarrassment again. I'm

planning another trip to Japan this year,

and I'm going to stay at a guesthouse for

a few months, and I'm kind of worrying

that it's going to be a repeat of the

disaster that was last year. I don't want

that to happen again. I don't want to

become this nocturnal loner who doesn't

talk to anyone. I want to go there and

make friends and talk to people and

socialize. I know it's easy. All you have

to do is say, hi, I'm Daniel. I'm new

here, and, and then that's all you have to

do really, and then have a conversation.

It's just that actually doing that is just

so difficult. The second time I went to

Japan, I was actually quite proud because

I made friends on the second day straight

away, and that was mainly because I was

really lucky. There were really friendly,

outgoing people there at the time, and I

also had this cooking problem. I tried

making fried rice, but my rice was too wet

and it kind of stuck to the frying pan and

it turned into this disgusting porridge

gunge stuff. And this Chinese girl, she

tried helping me, but we ended up chucking

it all into the bin and she made me some

food, and I ended up eating together with

her, with her boyfriend. I think it can be

really helpful to have a problem like that

because it can serve as a good icebreaker

or conversation starter. If you ask for

someone's help, then it becomes a lot

easier to get to know them, to start

talking with them. It kind of reminds me

of that episode on Friends when Joey

confesses his love to Rachel, but Rachel

rejects him, and then after that it

becomes really awkward between them, and

then Rachel makes up this story about her

boss wanting to buy her baby, and then

they start talking again and the

awkwardness starts to disappear. I'm

starting to think of ways I could ask

people for help just to give me an excuse

to talk to people. For example, maybe I

could ask them, how, how do you use the

microwave? How do you use the washing

machine? Or maybe I could recreate the

situation with the fried rice porridge,

and maybe another cute girl would try

helping me, and maybe she won't have a

boyfriend this time.