They don't remember me

Whoa, look at that spider! That's a big

one. It's disgusting. What are these

people doing? Suspicious.

Very suspicious. Ah, spiders everywhere.

There's one over there, there's one big

one over there, and one skinny one over

there. Is it bad to suck spiders up in the

vacuum cleaner? I don't think it would

kill them. They'd just get sucked up and

then they'd end up sitting in the vacuum

cleaner bag for the rest of their lives.

Instead of sitting in the corner of my

ceiling. Is there really much difference?

I mean, what else is a spider gonna do?

It just sits there, doesn't it? Doing

absolutely nothing. Oh, not the East

people again. They're so loud, I can hear

their voices all the way over from here.

Is that a horse in the background? I just,

um, I just ate a burger from the— that I

took home a few days ago from the expired

section. From my work, they were going to

chuck it out, and I took it home, and I

just ate it. I hope I don't end up getting

diarrhea. It tasted okay. It didn't smell

funny. It was a bit okay. It was a bit

stale, a bit hard, but I put it in the

microwave and it softened up. What are

these people doing? This woman, she's

always shouting, and her voice is so loud.

She lives all the way over there opposite.

Across the road, and I can hear her voice

all the time. She's like some kind of

drill sergeant in the army. She would be

wonderful in the military. Her voice is

just so loud and commanding. I don't know

how you get your voice to be so loud.

It's crazy. I don't know why she's always

shouting. She needs to calm down. You need

to calm down, lady. People around here

don't really like them. They're what we

call in England gypsies, Irish travelers,

and I don't really like them either.

They're loud, they're always causing

problems, they're always shouting and

arguing, they make a mess everywhere they

go. They just, they just cause chaos.

They have no regard for rules. They think

they can just do what they want and get

away with it, which they do most of the

time. And the The young ones,

the young girls, they sometimes come to my

work and they shoplift. We even have

pictures of them on the CCTV shoplifting.

And I'm pretty sure one of them is the one

that lives opposite my house. I'm not

really looking forward to work today. I

really don't like the late shift. It just—

time goes past so slowly. And then there's

times when there are just no customers at

all. And then suddenly 3 to 4 cars just

appear and they will start filling up on

fuel and then they will come into the shop

all at the same time. And then after that,

there's just nothing, no customers for

like half an hour, and then suddenly

another 3 or 4 cars turn up all at the

same time. Why does that happen? I think

that one of the reasons my skin has gotten

worse recently is because of my job.

Not just the stress of having a job, but

it might be because of my diet. I've been

eating a lot of expired food from there.

Things like sausage rolls,

burgers, pies. And I

bring home a lot of the expired stuff in

the hot cabinet, like burgers and pies and

Cornish pasties. I'm pretty sure those

kind of foods aren't good for your skin.

Maybe I should stop eating them. But it's

just hard to resist because you get so

hungry and you just want to eat something

and you don't really care what it is.

It's tricky. Also, at work they keep

teaching me things I don't really need to

know. She said, Daniel, you won't really

need to know this because you won't be

doing this on night shift, but it'll be

good for you to know. Well, if I won't be

doing it, then why would it be good for me

to know? Why waste your time teaching me

something that I'm never gonna have to do?

So I just pretend to watch, pretend that

I'm paying attention, even though as soon

as she's finished talking, I've already

forgotten everything she just told me.

I'm such a good employee.

So back when I had long hair, people

always thought I was a girl. I'd always

get— when I walked past little kids, I

could hear them saying, mummy, is that a

girl? Is it a boy? And then the mum would

go, it's a boy. Like, the parents knew,

but the kids got confused because I had

long hair. And then older men, like

elderly men, would say things to me like,

thanks darling, thanks love, as if they

were talking to a girl. It's like they

didn't They're a bit confused. Am I a girl

or am I a boy? Even with short hair,

sometimes I get the feeling that people

are a bit confused. I don't look like a

girl, do I? I'm a boy. I remember one time

I was at WHSmith waiting for the cashier.

She came over and she said, she says,

sorry for keeping you waiting, uh, miss.

And then she said, or is it mister? No,

miss. No, mister. And I said to her, Uh,

mister. That's kind of strange. I don't

know how to feel about that. I didn't

really think that I looked that much like

a girl. I thought I looked like a guy,

but I guess some people can't tell the

difference.

So I guess I'll see you in 8 hours after I

finished— after I finish an exciting

8-hour shift at the petrol station.

Yay! Uh, I don't know if you can see me.

I guess it doesn't really matter. Hang on,

there's a car coming.

So there's enough— there's more cars

coming, but just hang on a minute.

Do you see me now? It's still too dark,

isn't it? If I do this, then I can't see.

Uh, so— is that a car coming?

So I can't see a thing if I don't shine my

torch forwards. Okay, you're just gonna

have to do this. Okay. Whoa, I nearly

walked into a tree. This isn't a very good

idea, is it? Vlogging in the pitch

blackness of night. Anyway, today I saw

another 2 people from my school. It's

actually the second time I saw them. I

didn't say anything. I'm just so surprised

that I've seen and recognized 5 people

that used to go to my school and they

haven't recognized me. Oh shit. How come

they don't recognize me? I know we weren't

really friends and I never really talked

to them much, but how— if I can remember

them and I even remember their full names

and they don't even recognize me, or maybe

they recognize me a little Is that a car?

No. Well, maybe they recognize me a

little, but they're a bit confused, like,

is that really Daniel? He looks so

different. Or maybe they recognize me a

bit and they don't really care if it's me

or not. I don't know

why I'm so bothered about this. When I was

in school, I never really liked them.

They always teased me. They didn't talk to

me anyway. So I don't really know why I

care so much. I don't know if I like it

that they don't recognize me. It makes

things easier, but I guess it would be

nice if they just said, hey, you're

Daniel, aren't you? All right, Dan, how

have you been? But no, none of them

recognized me. Maybe I changed a lot.

I don't know, it just made me think a lot

about my school days. Um,

I was just thinking why I was

bullied so much during school, and I used

to think it was because everyone at my

school were really horrible and they were

terrible people and they were weird, but

they weren't really. They're just normal

people. I think I was the one who was

weird. I never really made any effort to

be friends or be nice to them. Straight

from the beginning, I disliked everyone,

even before they started bullying me.

So that's probably why no one liked me

back in school, because I was just— I was

just like this little kid who never talked

to anyone, who always looked miserable.

And that's why people teased me, not

because of anything else. But sure,

looking different, looking Asian, didn't

really help. Being small didn't really

help. If I was a big kid back then, then

people wouldn't really pick on me because

I would be bigger than them. But the real

reason why people picked on me and teased

me was because I didn't like

any of them.

And people can kind of tell when you don't

like them. Whoa. Is that a car?

And I don't even know why I didn't like

them. It's just because I feel like I

didn't like them for the same reason they

didn't like me. They didn't like me

because they didn't really understand me

and because I didn't make any effort to be

friends with them or be nice to them. And

you know what people do when, when they

have something that they don't like or

they don't understand? They start teasing,

or they start poking fun. And I guess I

was the same. I didn't understand them, I

couldn't relate to them, so I just had no

interest in everyone else at school. I

didn't like anyone at school.

And for that reason, I just became like a

loner. Didn't talk, became an easy

target for bullies. And I don't

think I'd want them to recognise me. It

just brings back a lot of painful

memories. I don't

know. Maybe one day I'll pluck up the

courage and say, hey, you're so-and-so,

aren't you? And then they'd be like,

yeah, who are you? And then I'd be like,

you don't remember me? You serious? It'd

be kind of funny, actually. Okay, next

time I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll speak

up. I'll say, you're so-and-so, aren't

you? But I just feel so nervous.

I don't have the guts to do it.

So what do you think? Do you think I

should confront them tomorrow? Because I'm

pretty sure they're going to come at the

same time. They seem to always come into

the shop at around 10 PM. No,

9 PM after work.

Should I just go, hey, you're blah

blah blah, right? Do you remember me?

And they'll be like, no, who are you? And

I'd say, I'm Daniel, how could you not

remember me? And then I'd say, I remember

all of you from, from school. I have you

all written down on the list in my

bedroom. That'd be kind of funny,

kind of creep them out, wouldn't it? I

feel like school really messed me up

mentally. Or did it? I've always been like

this, really. I've always been quiet and

socially awkward, even before all the

years of bullying started. Years of

bullying just kind of made it worse, made

me hate people even more.

I just want to see their reaction. I don't

know, should I do it tomorrow when they

come in to buy their stuff?

I just feel like I don't have the guts to

do it. Is it a good idea? Maybe I should

just stay anonymous. They don't know who I

am, they don't remember. Maybe that's a

good thing. I don't know.

I don't know why I remember everyone from

school. It's just like stored up here in

my brain. I have all their names, all the

stuff that I didn't like about them, all

the irritating things they did to me. I

just have it all stored up here,

remembered. It's not like I'm making any

effort to remember them. I just remember

them. How could they not remember me?

Am I that forgettable? Have I changed so

much that they don't even recognize me? I

mean, people still have the same face.

Last time I saw them was about 15 years

ago, and they were just little kids. They

still have the same face. They just have

adult bodies, facial hair,

and I don't know,

a big belly, a man's body.

It's kind of funny because I always

found them really intimidating in school.

The way they spoke was very rough.

And they were very tall back in school. I

was a very small kid, but now when they

come into the shop and I recognize them,

I realize they're all really short. Maybe

I'm just tall. I'm not that tall, I'm 5

foot 7, but I feel like I'm taller than

most of them now, or at least the same

height. It's very strange.

I didn't think I'd see so many familiar

faces from my past working at this job. I

don't know if I like it or not. It feels

like my past is chasing me.

The past is tracking me down. I didn't— I

don't have any good memories from school.

I don't really want to remember anything

from school or the people from school.

So I have like very confusing thoughts

about this. Maybe I should just pretend

that I don't know them.

But a part of me wants them to remember

me. A part of me wants recognition. You

can't just forget about me. You can't just

forget that I existed. I'm still here.

I'm still alive. I didn't die.

It's just so strange seeing all those old

faces again. I never thought I'd see those

people ever again from my school.

The last time I saw them was like 15 years

ago. They were just little kids. And to

me, they still look like little kids.

They're just— they just have adult

bodies now and beards. Did I say this

already? I think I said this already.

But it just kind of brings back all the

memories I had when I was in school. And

to be honest, I never really wanted to see

anyone from my school ever again.

I hid in my house for 2 years playing

World of Warcraft. I spent 5

to 6 years running away to Japan and

Korea. Just trying to run

away from my past, from my problems. And

look at me now, 11 years later.

I'm back here seeing all these old faces

from school, from probably

the worst time in my life,

and I don't really know how to think about

It's surprising that so many of them are

still living around this area. Like, they

didn't move on, they didn't go anywhere

else. They just— they grew up here,

they're working here, they'll probably

stay here for the rest of their lives. I

didn't want to be like that. I had all

these dreams of moving to Japan, finding a

nice girl in Japan, getting married,

living over there. Those were just dreams,

fantasies. I came so close

to achieving that dream. I guess I'll make

a different video about it. The time I

nearly got married. Yeah, I nearly got

married. Can you believe that? I had all

these dreams that I'd go to Japan and live

there, have a job. But in the end, I came

back here. I feel like I'm stuck here

It just feels like you can't run away from

your past sometimes. It's always there

chasing you, and it's going to catch up

sooner or later.

This is why I wasn't really enthusiastic

about working up there at the petrol

station, because I kind of knew this would

happen, that I'd see familiar faces.

And I don't— I don't really like seeing

them. It just brings back painful

memories. I wish I could just forget who

they are, like the way they've forgotten

me. I guess my memory is too good.

I mean, you can't learn 2 languages

without having a good memory, I guess.