Becoming a step dad

Hey and welcome back to the show. So back

in January, you may remember that I met

this Japanese girl, and she actually has a

daughter from a previous marriage. She's 9

years old, um, the daughter, not my

girlfriend. And last night we were talking

on Skype and she suddenly said that she

would like to go to hanami, which is

cherry blossom tree viewing something.

Like, you go to a park to see the cherry

blossoms, and she said it'd be nice if we

could go 3 of us— me, her, and her

daughter. And I was kind of surprised by

this because, um, well, obviously I was

expecting to meet her daughter eventually

sometime in the future, but I didn't think

it would happen this soon. She's talking

maybe 3 days after I get to Japan, after

we've finished our little short stay in

Tokyo. We're gonna go back to Nagano

Prefecture, and then she's planning on

taking us to some kind of hanami thing to

see the light up overnight. Not overnight,

in the evening. And she said she wants to

go the 3 of us, like a family, I guess. I

was kind of surprised because it feels

like it's really soon to be meeting her

daughter. I think I'm more nervous about

meeting her daughter than meeting this

actual girl from the internet because I

don't have any experience with children.

I don't know how to speak to children. I

don't know what to speak to children

about. At least with adults, you can kind

of talk about adult-related things like

relationships or work stuff or things like

that. You can't really talk to children

about those kinds of things, so I don't

really know what I'm going to talk to her

daughter about. I don't know if I'm

expected to talk to her daughter about

anything. I guess I kind of have to say

something. I can't just ignore her

daughter. That'd be kind of rude,

wouldn't it? On one hand, I do feel quite

happy about this because it means that she

feels comfortable and she's happy with

letting me meet her daughter and become a

part of her life. And it, it means that

she, she's serious about being in a

relationship with me. She's not just

looking for a quick hookup or a one-night

stand. She's actually thinking about being

in a serious relationship with me. And

that's great because that's what I want as

well. I don't want to just go to Japan,

have sex, and then come home and then

never see her again. I'm also looking for

a long-term relationship. A meaningful,

loving relationship that can lead

somewhere— lead to somewhere in the

future. So I do feel pretty happy about

this because it feels like she's taking

the relationship seriously. She wouldn't

let me meet her daughter if she wasn't

serious about our relationship. It's kind

of like you wouldn't introduce your

boyfriend to your parents if it's just

like a casual thing that you didn't think

there was any future in the relationship.

So I don't know, it feels like things are

moving really fast. But I'm not too

worried about it. I just feel a bit

nervous because I don't really see myself

as a mature, responsible adult. And if

you're going to be a parent or a

stepparent, you kind of need to become a

responsible, mature adult, don't you? I

still feel like I'm a kid inside. I really

don't see myself as a mature adult. I

still feel like I'm a teenager inside.

Um, I don't feel like I'm that much

different to how I was when I was 18 or 17

because I just haven't grown up. And since

I've been thinking more and more about

becoming a stepdad, I don't want to come

off as too immature or childish in front

of her now. I've never really placed much

importance on being a grown-up or growing

up and becoming a mature adult, but now

I'm starting to rethink things. Maybe I

should start to think about how can I

become a mature person. I don't even know.

How to become a mature person. I am what I

am. It's not like I'm trying to be

immature or childish. That's just my

personality. I, I'm just not a very

serious person. And now that I

could potentially become a stepdad,

that's weird, isn't it? I don't know how—

what kind of relationship I'm going to

have with her daughter. Is it going to be

like— am I going to be like a father

figure? Am I going to be like an older

brother, older brother figure? You know,

I'm actually more nervous about meeting

her daughter than I am meeting her, the

girlfriend, because, you know, like I said

before, I don't really know what to talk

to her daughter about. I don't know if her

daughter is actually gonna like me or

accept me into the family dynamic. I don't

even know what kind of child her daughter

is. Is she like one of those really

chatty, energetic, um,

ADHD kind of children, or is she going to

be like one of those really quiet,

sulking kind of emo teenager children. I

don't know, I think I'd prefer it if she

was energetic and chatty. You know, you

get some— you know, sometimes you get

those children who are like 8 years old

and they're continuously talking to

themselves. They're just non-stop talking

and they never shut up. Maybe it'd be

better if she was like that. I don't know,

those kind of children are kind of

stressful because she's like non-stop

talking and you just want to say to them,

oh, would you shut up for 5 seconds

please? No, I'd never tell a child to shut

up. I remember there's this one time when

I was about 10 years old, and when I was

10 years old, I was pretty chatty. I was

always going on to my dad about things

like video games and PlayStations. And

there's this one time I went over to my

house and he showed me this controller

adapter for the PlayStation 1 where you

could actually plug in up to 4 controllers

into the PlayStation 1 instead of the

normal 2. And this just blew my mind. I

was absolutely amazed about this. So I

rushed home and my dad was there and I was

talking to him and I was just going on and

on about PlayStations and controllers.

And he was kind of stressed out because he

wanted me to focus on studying. And at

that age, I was starting to get really

addicted to video games and I was

neglecting my studies. And all I was doing

was playing Sega Mega Drive every day,

all day. And he just kind of snapped and

he just said, would you shut up, Daniel?

No, he said, shut up, Daniel. And I

remember that. It's like burned into my

memory. I can't forget that moment when he

told me to shut up when I was

enthusiastically talking about something I

was really interested in. And I feel like

that because of that experience, I kind of

lost confidence in speaking because when I

start speaking to someone about something

I'm really interested in, I have like this

fear in the back of my mind that they're

going to tell me to shut up or they're

thinking, oh, I wish this guy would shut

up. I'm not interested in anything he's

saying. I think that meeting her daughter

and becoming like a family is going to be

a good experience because I've always been

interested in the idea of becoming a

parent and becoming a part of having my

own family. And I guess this way I can

experience having a daughter without

actually having to have a daughter, if you

know what I mean. For me, having my own

children has never really been an

important thing for me. I've never really

been like, oh, I really need to have lots

of children to pass on my DNA. I've never

felt like that. I feel like there's

already enough people on the planet and we

don't need to be making any more. So I'm

quite happy with looking after someone

else's child if, if that's what they want

from me. Oh look, the sun went down. So

what was I saying? Yeah, I am quite

excited about this new development. I'm

quite excited about being let into someone

else's life and being a part of their

family. And being trusted enough that she

wants me to meet her daughter like

straight away. I thought we— that she

might let me meet her daughter in the

second week or during nearing the end of

my trip. Not, not in the first week, not

in the first few days. That was a bit of a

shock to me because it's kind of sudden,

isn't it? I do get worried about things

like, is the daughter going to hate me?

Because it's kind of like I'm taking her

mom away from her. It's kind of like her

mom's going to be paying more attention to

me. What if she starts to get jealous or

starts to feel like she's being abandoned

by her mother and her mother's running

away from her to spend time with me? And

the reason why I worry about things like

this is because I don't want her daughter

to become mentally messed up because of

me. I don't want to be the one who's

responsible for giving this, this young

girl all these kinds of mental traumas and

mental problems. I don't want to make her

feel like she's being abandoned. I don't

want to make her feel like she's in the

way or she's a nuisance or she's not

wanted. So I am aware that I have to go

into this relationship with the mindset of

there is a young child, a young girl who's

also attached to this relationship, and I

can't just hog all of her mother's

attention and be selfish like that. I have

to share her mother with her and not

be immature and act like a child like I

have done in previous relationships. I

think it's going to be a challenging

experience, but I think it's going to be a

good experience for me. I keep thinking to

myself, maybe this will be a good

experience for me. Maybe it will help me

grow and mature and become a responsible

adult, which I know I should be by now at

my age. Anyway, I guess we'll see what

happens. We'll just have to go there and

find out. There's not long left now until

we have to go. Only a few weeks and we're

heading off to Japan again. Everything's

booked. I've booked the plane tickets.

I've booked the hotels. Only thing left to

do is to wait and then pack my bags, and

then off we go for another adventure.