I'm lazy and have no motivation

Um, I have a bit of a problem. I don't

have any motivation to do anything. I just

can't get motivated to do anything, to go

back to school, to study something, to try

and get a better job, to try and better

myself as a person. I just, I don't know

what's wrong with me. I just, I don't have

motivation that it seems like nearly

everyone else is motivated to do

something. To study something, to get

a good job, to be the best they can.

And what am I doing? I'm 27. I work in a

petrol station. Do men respect me?

No. Do women find me sexually attractive?

Not really. Do I have a good

job? No. What exactly do I have?

I have everything that I need or could

want. I have a nice house, I have food and

a warm bed to sleep in. If I wanted

to, I could use the money that I earn from

my job to go and study something, but

nope, instead I'm spending £3,000

so I can go all the way to Japan to meet

some random lady I met on the internet.

What am I doing? The only thing that

motivates me is sex. Isn't that what

motivates most men? I'm not sure about

that. Why do you

think I spent so much energy and effort

learning Japanese? It's not because I have

like this, this interest in Japanese

culture or the country itself.

It's because I find the women attractive.

That's the only motivation I have when it

comes to learning languages. If,

if there were no women in Japan, do you

think I would learn? Do you think I would

study Japanese? No, I wouldn't care at

all. So you might be wondering, why am I

making this weird depressing video all of

a sudden? Well, it all started yesterday.

Where's my face? It all started yesterday

when My coworker swore at me. I never do

the beers or the wines. We have to take

the beers and the wines from the storeroom

and put them out into the shop, and for

some reason I can never get this right. I

always miss a few, or I don't make it nice

and neatly up to my coworker's standards,

and he always has to go and fix what I've

done and redo what I've done. I find this

irritating because It feels like I can

never get it right, and I don't understand

what he's fiddling with. I can hear him

shuffling glasses and bottles around after

I finish doing it, and I look afterwards

and I see— and I try to see what he's done

differently, and it looks exactly the

same. He spends like half an hour redoing

what I've done, and the result looks— to

me, it looks exactly the same. Because

when I do the drinks, when I do the beers,

and I finish it, I feel like I've done a

pretty good job. It looks nice and neat to

me. I feel— I think that I've gotten all

the drinks out the back into the store,

but I always seem to get it wrong. And

then last night he just said, he said,

why are there so many fucking drinks in

the storeroom? He swore at me. I can't

believe he swore at me. He's never

actually sworn whilst speaking to me

before in like an angry manner. And I

didn't even say anything back. I just kind

of turned my head and like sighed because

I was so fed up at the time. I really

wanted to go home. And the

reason why this keeps happening is because

I just— I don't care. I don't care if

there's a few cans of beers that I missed

that are in storeroom. I don't care if

there's like a packet of sugar that's at

the back of the shelf that needed to be

pulled forwards but that I missed. I just—

I find it really hard to care, and that's

why I keep making these mistakes. It's

just really hard to concentrate and do a

job properly when you just don't care

about it. And this made me realize I

really don't like working at the petrol

station. I'm not interested in working in

the petrol station. It's not something I'm

passionate about. And it's not some— and

it's not something that I can do well. I

don't enjoy working with people. I don't

enjoy dealing with customers. It really,

it's really, um, mentally exhausting.

I'm not, I'm not like a chatty, talkative

person who enjoys the company of other

human beings. I like being alone. Look,

I'm alone right now and it's, it's heaven.

It's so nice, the peacefulness, the quiet.

I don't have to worry about other people's

feelings. I don't have to worry about

making other people angry. It's just me,

and I love it like this. I just wish I

could find a shop that doesn't have

customers and I can work all alone. A shop

that doesn't have customers. It sounds

like the perfect shop to me. So I was

thinking, what kind of job would be suited

to me? You know, something I can do on my

own. Something I can do from home would

be great. What skills do I have? I can

speak Japanese, but I can speak Japanese

at a conversational level. I can't— if you

show me like a scientific document or a

patent document in Japanese, I wouldn't

understand a word of it. I wouldn't even

understand it if it was in English because

I have no idea about those kind of things.

And to be honest, The idea of having to

translate technical scientific documents

into English from Japanese sounds really

boring to me. I'd rather be making bacon

sandwiches in the petrol station because

it's easier. The only reason I studied

Japanese was because— did I tell you this

already? Yeah, because I like Japanese

girls. I think that's pretty obvious by

now. What am I supposed— if I was applying

for like a Japanese translation job, I I

don't have any experience or

qualifications apart from JLPT Level 2.

What am I going to put on my profile or my

CV? That I have 10 years experience

talking to Japanese girls on Skype? Yeah,

that's, that's all the experience I have.

And working in a convenience store in

Tokyo for 4 months, and then I got fired

because the exact same thing happened then

that's happening now. I couldn't get on

with my co-workers. I hated dealing with

customers. And I just— I keep— it

just seems like I keep getting into the

same situation where I get into retail

jobs and I keep doing the same thing

expecting a different result. I don't

want to do retail jobs. I hate retail. I

hate customers. I'm terrible with customer

service and interacting with people.

My dad often jokes. He says I should go

and work in a lighthouse. You know, I'd

love to work in a lighthouse if they had

Wi-Fi and if I had a nice girlfriend there

with me so I wouldn't die of loneliness.

On Sunday night, it was actually my first

ever night working alone because the

bloody coworker, he took a day off. That

meant that no one else was there to cover

for him and I had to work alone. And it

was really nice not having to work with

anyone. I had the whole shop to myself. I

could do what I wanted, when I wanted,

how I wanted, without some idiot nagging

me saying, Daniel, you didn't do this

properly. Why have you done this wrong?

Now I have to do it all again for you.

It's so irritating the way he speaks. And

because it was raining and windy, there

were hardly any customers. It was perfect.

I think it was the best night of work I've

ever had in any job. So barely any

customers, no co-workers, I could just get

on with the work. And my manager, the

manager of the petrol station, actually

said I did a really good job. I did

everything perfectly. I got all the tasks

finished on time. And this is another

thing that kind of irritates me. I feel

like I'm doing most of the work. I counted

it on my fingers, like how many jobs am I

doing every night, and it came up to about

17 tasks I'm doing: cooking, cleaning,

sweeping, the baking, the newspapers.

And then I counted it for my coworker and

it only came up to like 7 or 8. So I feel

like I'm doing at least double the work

that my coworker's doing. I was really

worried about work— working on my own on

Sunday night because I wasn't sure if I'd

be able to finish all the jobs on time. I

thought it would be like double the work,

but it wasn't. I only had to do a few

extra things I don't usually do. For

example, the mopping, the milk, and the

drinks, which is what my coworker usually

does. I don't usually do those things,

and I only had to do those extra 3 things.

And apart from that, everything else I did

was what I usually do anyway, so it didn't

really feel like there was that much extra

work. I just don't know what to do about

my future. People think because I can

speak a second language and I'm good at

drawing and I kind of sound like

a well-read person. I kind of— I don't

sound like a really low-class,

unintelligent person. They think that I'm

intelligent and I can get a good job,

but I'm not intelligent. I'm not highly

educated. I just— I don't have any

interest in things like mathematics or

science or physics or technology or In

business or econo— or anything. I'm not

interested in anything. What am I

interested in? Making YouTube videos and

embarrassing myself on the internet.

That's what my main interest is right now.

I live in like a bubble. I don't feel like

I live in the real world, you know,

businesses, economics, what's going on in

the real world, politics. I feel like I'm

isolating myself away from all of that

because That's reality, and I don't want

to have anything to do with reality. It

bores me. It, it scares me. It depresses

me. I want to hide in like a nice

warm safe comfortable zone in my own

little fantasy world where only nice

things exist. But it's just like a

delusion, isn't it? It's not real. I'm

just running away from something that in

the end I won't be able to run away. When

my parents die, I'm going to be on my own.

I won't be able to support— I won't be

able to rely on them. They won't be there

to help me or support me. I'll be

completely on my own. And I

don't have any experience, or I don't have

any qualifications that are worth

anything. I can't get a decent job apart

from working in a shitty kitchen or

working in a shop. The easiest job for me

to get are things like retail, and I'm

absolutely terrible at retail. I'm

terrible at working in a team. I've got

absolutely horrible customer service

skills. Like the other day, a customer had

his, um, credit card declined and

he just tried to walk off, and I shouted

at him, wait! And then my coworker told me

off afterwards. He said, you shouldn't

shout at the customer, wait! It sounds so

rude. You should say, excuse me. And I

felt so embarrassed. Like, how come I

don't know these things? I'm a native

English speaker and a guy from Nepal is

correcting my English because I shouted

wait at a customer instead of saying

excuse me. What's wrong with me?

A few years ago, I actually went to

college. I did a science, computer science

course. I thought I'd be interested in

computers for some reason. After 4 weeks,

I quit the course because it was so

boring. And I hated the classroom

atmosphere. I hated being told what to do

by the teacher. I wanted to play Angry

Birds on my phone before the lesson

started, and he told me to put my phone

away. The lesson hadn't even started. I

was a 21-year-old. Everyone else there

were 16-year-olds. I didn't want to be

treated like a child, even though I was

acting like one. But I wanted to play

Angry Birds when I wanted to. It should be

my decision. I don't need a teacher

telling me what to do when I'm an adult.

The lesson hadn't even started, and I quit

the course after 4 weeks. I just, I can't

seem to find something that I'm really

interested in and that I can stick to.

So, so, um, but I'm,

I feel like I'm pretty good at drawing,

and I really, and I really enjoy drawing.

And I did try making a webcomic several

times, but after about 50 or 100 pages, I

just give up. I lose interest. That's why

I have a load of comic books, uh,

webcomics. You can see the link on my

description, my channel description. I've

got like 3 or 4 unfinished comics. I start

them really enthusiastically, and then

after about a month or 2, I just

completely lose interest and I stop

drawing for years. And then years later,

I start drawing again and I'm like, yeah,

I'm gonna make a new webcomic. This is

gonna be a success this time. And then I

give up again after a few weeks, and it's

just like a cycle that goes on and on,

and I can never stick

to anything. Even when I was playing World

of Warcraft, I could never stick to a

single class. I was always rerolling. I'd

get to level 60 on my druid, then I'd

reroll a warlock, I'd get him to level 60,

and then I'd reroll a rogue. And then by

the end of my World of Warcraft career, I

had a level 60 of every character, but

they all had shitty gear and I was

terrible at playing all of them. All my

guildmates were constantly criticizing me,

saying, oh, for God's sake, Daniel, can't

you just stick to one class? You're

absolutely useless. I just— I don't know

what I'm supposed to do in life. I can't

muster up motivation to study something,

to try and get a qualification, to try and

get training in something

that I'm interested in, because there's

nothing that really interests me enough

that I want to start a course or go to

school. I just give up really

easily and it's, it's extremely

frustrating. I feel like I'm a creative

person. I like art and creating things.

I'm not a technically minded person. I'm

not a logical thinker. I think, is it like

left brain person? Like left brain person

is someone who's creative and your right

brain is like the logical side. I'm Like

80% left-brained. And I just,

I don't find things like technical things

or business-related things or things like

politics or economics interesting at all.

It's just really boring. I love video

games and movies and science fiction and

fantasy, you know, things where you,

where you can like escape from reality.

You can like get, you can lose yourself in

this fantasy world. And it's full of

adventure, mystery, and interesting

things, unlike this— unlike the real

world. Someone gave me a comment recently

asking me if, if I'm proud of being 27 and

working in a petrol station, and that

comment, it really stuck in my mind. I

kept thinking about it, and no, I'm not.

I'm not proud of being 27 and working in

the petrol station. I feel like an

absolute failure. At first, there was like

a sense of achievement. I felt proud that

I was managing to hold on to a job and I

was serving customers and dealing with

strangers without like breaking down.

But now I feel like it's just too much

stress, too much mental stress, physical

stress. Doing night shift isn't easy. I

crave sleeping in the nighttime so much.

It's just not natural to sleep during the

day and wake up when it's dark. It doesn't

feel good. I want to sleep during the

night and wake up when it's bright.

That's how it should be. That's the

natural way. And I just feel like I'm

damaging my physical health. I don't

really feel anything yet. Maybe it hasn't

been long enough. I've just been thinking

a lot, thinking about that harsh comment I

got, thinking about being sworn at

by my coworker. I need to start focusing

on finding a career that suits me, that's

a good fit for me. The thing is, I don't

know what that is. I thought it might have

been Japanese translating because I can

speak Japanese, but it's just— it seems—

it looks so difficult. I don't have the

qualifications or the experience or the

interest to do it. I'd just love

to have a job where I don't have to work

with people. I don't have to deal with

customers. I can work by myself.

I don't really care what kind of job it

is. It could be picking up dog shit. That

would be better than having to work with