My life struggle as a Sociopath

So I've been doing some thinking recently,

and after a few people have brought it up

and thousands of people said the same

thing in my comment section, I think maybe

I could be a sociopath.

Now obviously I'm not diagnosed or

anything, I'm just guessing, and I can't

be bothered to actually go and get

diagnosed or go to like a clinic, but

there could be a high chance that I might

actually be sociopathic. It seems like a

lot of people have this first impression

of me where they just automatically think

I'm either a narcissist, a psychopath, or

a sociopath, or I've got Asperger's or

something. Like, I seem to have basically

everything under the sun. Autism,

anxiety, sociopathy, psychopathy,

narcissism, misogyny. It's like everything

you can think of, I've probably got it.

The biggest exposure I ever got on YouTube

was probably when Elvis the Alien made

those videos about me. And they got

millions of views from what I'm guessing

to be pretty normal people, just like

average YouTube viewers, not part of any

kind of weird fan base or like toxic cult

or anything. They just seem like normal

people. And I was scrolling down the

comment section and the number one word

that just stuck out to me that I kept

seeing over and over again was, this guy's

a sociopath. And it kind of hurt my

feelings, to be honest, because As someone

who wants things from people, you know,

like money and love and respect

and maybe friendship or maybe more,

it kind of makes it hard for me to get

what I want in life if people just

automatically or instantly think

or suss out that I'm a sociopath, because

then they just automatically dislike you

and they don't want anything to do with

you unless they're also kind of weird and

crazy. So in real life, when I'm

encountering people outside in the real

world, I try my best to be as normal as I

can be, as I can pretend to be at least.

I try to be really normal and nice and

well-spoken and say thank you and please,

and I don't say anything crazy. I just

kind of nod my head and agree with

everything everyone is saying because I

don't really want to stick out as like a

weirdo. I just kind of want people to not

think I'm a weirdo, at least not straight

away anyway. Maybe if they get to know me

more, later down the line, then I'd open

up about my weirdness and maybe show them

my real personality a bit more, bit by

bit. I think most people don't really

think too much into it. They just think,

oh, I'm kind of quiet, bit, bit

introverted, a bit antisocial, but nothing

too bad. But then there are some people

who kind of, don't know, they have like

laser vision and they can see right

through this facade that I'm trying to put

up in front of myself. Like I said before,

I don't actually know if I'm really a

sociopath. Maybe I'm not. I'm hoping I'm

not because, I mean, it'd be kind of sad

if I was. But if I was, I mean, it could

explain quite a lot of my past actions and

why I feel no remorse and how I'm able to

do bad things and hurt people without

really feeling anything like guilt or

anything. I've done a lot of bad stuff in

the past, like stealing, cheating, lying,

maybe manipulating. I guess that could be

one of the things. And I did all these

things to get something I wanted at the

time, and I didn't really think or care

about the consequences or who it could be

hurting if they found out about what I

did. I just did it because I wanted to and

didn't really think about how it could

affect other people. I don't really enjoy

hurting other people. I don't really get

any kind of satisfaction out of causing

misery. It's just, it's kind of like other

people's misery is a byproduct of me

taking what I want when I have the

opportunity to do so. I mean, I guess you

could say I have very low empathy, and

that could be a fair assessment. For

example, recently I got in trouble with

this streamer that I like to watch. I

think you know his name. Starts with an I

and ends in an N. And I had an opportunity

to, to do some stuff with him, but then I

kind of shot myself in the foot because I,

through no fault of my own, I accidentally

might have said something very insensitive

about his Indian friend's mother passing.

And I don't really know why I said that.

I just felt like it was a funny thing to

say at the time, but I completely forgot I

said it. And then it was brought up

because, you know, haters and trolls

screenshot stuff and then want to cause

trouble. So then he phoned me and

confronted me about it and asked me why

did I say that. And I honestly don't know.

I didn't have an answer. I couldn't say

anything apart from sorry. And what he

said back to me was, that's it? Just

sorry? And then he said, dude, you have no

remorse. And Yeah, he kind of got me

there. I didn't really have anything else

to say back because honestly I wasn't

really sorry. I actually don't care about

this Indian guy, Deepak, whatever his name

is. And I know I said something very

insensitive, and I know he's— he was upset

by it. He seemed very upset when he found

out what I said, and I know it was bad,

but honestly I still don't really care.

I'm just gutted because it means It kind

of ruined my chance to make content with

that guy, and I kind of like that guy,

and now he probably doesn't like me

because of the whole incident. I don't

know why, but I find it very hard to stop

saying mean things about people. I'm very

judgmental, and I can like nitpick little

character flaws when it comes to basically

anyone, and it kind of feels good because

if I get annoyed at someone and then I

vent it out, and I have like a big rant

about it, it makes me feel good. And I

don't really consider what they might feel

if they heard me rant about them. It was

nice when my YouTube channel was not

really known by the people that I know or

by anyone, and I could just say whatever I

wanted to, and it was like a little secret

diary. But then it's like Chris Broad said

to me, it's wise not to say

this stuff because eventually the things

you say about people, more than likely

than not, end up coming back to them and

they end up finding out what you said and

it never ends well. You know, back in the

day when my YouTube channel was a lot more

popular, a lot more active, with a lot of

people watching, I was very defensive when

people accused me of things like misogyny

or being a sociopath or being this or

that, because obviously I wanted to

protect my brand, and I felt like if

people think that I'm this or that or like

a sociopath, then maybe they won't like me

anymore and then they won't watch my

channel. These days I don't really feel

like I have much to lose now. I mean,

look at the state of the channel. So I

don't really have much problem just coming

out and saying that, yeah, maybe I am a

sociopath and so what? I don't know,

maybe there's some actual diagnosed

sociopaths in my comment section who could

help me out here and just say No, Daniel,

you're a bit weird, but you're not

actually a real sociopath. I definitely

feel emotions and sadness, and I

think sociopaths also feel emotions. So I

can't really say that I'm not one just

because I have some emotions. Like, I

definitely cry sometimes, especially when

watching movies like The Lion King. When

Simba's dad died, I definitely cried a

lot. And then Titanic always makes me kind

of cry. So there's some very emotional

movies that definitely have an effect on

me. I'm not watching it and I'm not

laughing because Mufasa died. I don't know

why I have such great ability to have

empathy for a cartoon lion, but then when

it comes to real people, real human beings

in the real world, I'm able to lie,

cheat, and steal from them and laugh and

not really feel any kind of remorse.

Well, Mufasa was cool and then he got

betrayed by his brother. How could you not

cry at that? I remember something my own

dad said something to me when I was a

teenager that really stuck with me. It

kind of, I don't know, it was kind of

shocking that he said that to me and made

me feel kind of sad. I don't exactly

remember why he said this. I think I did

something mean or bad or selfish towards

someone else. Like I had the opportunity

to help out someone and I decided not to

because I was lazy or because I couldn't

be bothered. And then he said this. He

said, you wouldn't piss on someone even if

they were on fire, which is kind of a

funny phrase. And I don't know where he

picks that up from. I don't know if anyone

else knows that phrase or knows where it

came from. But he said that I wouldn't

even piss on someone if they were on fire.

And my first thoughts when I heard him say

that to me was, well, I was kind of

confused because first of all, I wouldn't

piss on someone if they were on fire. I'd

go and look for some water or maybe get a

fire extinguisher or, I don't know, get a

blanket. I don't really know what to do in

that kind of situation because I never had

fire training. Just seemed like kind of a

random thing to be told. But I think the

deep meaning or the true meaning behind

that phrase wasn't really about putting

out fires. Actually, I don't really know

what it really means. And then there was

this other time I had this friend actually

who was my best friend at school. And over

the summer holiday, we had a part-time job

where we delivered the newspapers around

the village on our bicycles. And it was

quite a hard job because my village has a

lot of hills and we had to carry these big

bags full of newspapers and it was very

heavy. So it was very exhausting work.

And we promised each other that even after

the summer holiday ends and we go back to

school, we'll carry on doing the job and

I'll go over his house and I'll help him

out with the the newspapers and the paper

round. And then we went back to school the

first day of school finished, and I

actually completely forgot about the

papers and the newspapers. And I just went

back home and I cooked myself a bacon and

egg sandwich, and then I watched— I think

I watched Sonic X on TV. And then he

phoned up and he was like, Daniel, where

are you? I thought you said you were going

to come and help me deliver the papers.

And I literally just said, Oh yeah, I

forgot. I'm not gonna come. Bye.

And I just hung up the phone. And then my

mum actually went over to his house to

help him deliver the papers in her car

because she found out and then she felt

bad for him. And she said she went over

his house and he was crying and he was

really upset and really worried and

freaking out because he couldn't do it by

himself. And I I didn't even care. Like,

at the time I just thought, imagine crying

over some newspapers. Who cares? And I

just carried on eating my bacon sandwich.

I honestly didn't care at all that I just

basically— I think that probably ruined

the friendship between me and him. And it

took me like 15 years to remember that

moment and think, yeah, actually, that was

a real dick move on my behalf and I should

have stuck to my promise and, well, at

least apologized. And I've got loads of

stories like that. I could go on and on.

All these different memories from my

childhood and my younger adult years where

I now remember this weird thing I did to a

friend or someone I knew. And at the time

I didn't realize it was mean or weird and

I just thought it was normal. And then I

didn't understand why they were so upset

with me. And then like years later I

realized, oh wait, yeah, that was kind of

stupid of of me to do that. I really think

one of the most challenging and difficult

parts of being a human and existing on

this planet as a human has to be forming

and maintaining good relationships with

people and not falling out and not having

people just hate you all the time. And

even after 34 years on this planet, I

still don't get it, to be honest. I just—

I don't get it. It's so dumb and stupid,

and I'm fed up. But you know, it can be a

lonely existence just being alone all the

time, and I don't really want to be alone.

I would like to have friends and a

girlfriend and relationships with people,

but it's hard, you know. I just, I end up,

seem to end up screwing nearly every

relationship up somehow. So I don't really

know if that made any sense. Let me know

what you think.