Racial Identity - Do I see myself as White or Asian

Meow, meow, meow. If someone asked me, do

I feel more like a white person or an

Asian person, I would always respond with,

I feel more like an Asian person rather

than a white person. I feel more in touch

with the Asian side of myself. One of the

main reasons why when I was in my 20s—

well, I still am in my 20s— but from the

age of 20, one of the reasons why I kept

going to Japan and Asia was was because I

didn't feel like I fitted in here. I don't

see myself as a white person. I never felt

like I fitted in with all the other kids.

I always felt like I was on the outside

looking in. So this is one of the reasons

why I had this obsession with going to

Japan and to Asia and staying there for as

long as I could, because I felt like that

was where I belonged. That was where my

people were, but it wasn't the case.

I went over there and pretty much the same

thing happened over there that's happened

here. People would say things like, I look

so Western that I look really white. It

was— they were saying the same things that

people say here, but the opposite, if that

makes sense. Here, Western people will say

to me, you look so Asian, but Asian people

will say to me, You look so Western. It's

like, it doesn't matter where you go, you

don't look like what the native people

there look like. You always look like

you're different to everyone else, no

matter where you go. There doesn't— there

isn't a special country where the majority

of the population are mixed race. So for

mixed people, it doesn't matter where you

go, you're not really going to fully fit

in. To how you're not going to look like

everyone else. You're always going to look

slightly different because you're not

white or you're not Asian. You're a

mixture. You're half-half. I actually

found it kind of insulting when Asian

people would tell me, you look so Western,

even though they were saying it as a

compliment. Because in Asia, especially in

Japan, white people,

Western people, Caucasian people have a

lot of popularity. A lot of people want to

look Western. They think things like

having a high nose or having large eyes,

Western features, is a good thing, is a

positive thing. A lot of the girls, the

makeup is designed to make their eyes look

larger, make their skin look fairer. So to

them, it wasn't an insult, it was more of

a compliment. But for me, I felt like it

was kind of insulting. What do you mean I

look Western? I got bullied so much during

my childhood for not looking Western, and

now you're telling me that I look really

Western? I felt really strange about that.

In the UK, I feel like Asian features

aren't really desired. I feel like when—

one of the reasons why you would get

teased for looking Asian is because not

only just because you look different to

white people, it's because white people

don't really find I'm not saying all white

people, but a lot of white people don't

find Asian features desirable. Women don't

wear makeup to make themselves look Asian,

but in Asia, Asian women wear makeup so

that they look Western. So I used to take

a lot of offense when people would make

fun of how Asian people look like, or they

would make fun of me because I look Asian.

I would I started to take pride in the

fact that I looked Asian. I wanted to look

more Asian. I was a bit upset that I was

only half Asian. Sometimes when I was

younger, I actually wanted to be 100%

Asian. I think that feeling like you fit

in and having a sense of belonging is very

important for a human being, and this is a

problem that mixed-race people have

because because they always feel like they

never fit in anywhere. In their home

country, they look different to everyone

else, and they have a higher chance of

being bullied just because they look

different. And even if they go to a

different part of the world, for example

Asia, even then they don't fully feel

like they fit in because they may look

more like those people in those countries,

but they don't speak the same language or

They might have a different way of

thinking. They might have a westernized

personality or set of ideals. Even when I

was in Japan, I never really felt like I

fitted in, even though I could speak

pretty decent Japanese. I'm not Japanese.

I don't think like a Japanese person. My

personality is very different to Japanese

people. I don't like certain aspects of

the Japanese culture. I don't like their

work ethic and the way they devote their

lives to the company and the salaryman

lifestyle. And they even have things like—

they have a special word for people who

work too much and then die. I think that's

really sad. I feel like one of the reasons

why Japan has such a high suicide rate is

because the people aren't happy. The

people aren't happy with having to do

these soul-crushing jobs for all of their

lives and not have much to show for it.

And I didn't really feel like I wanted to

be a part of that. I'm a believer of

individuality and freedom and expressing

yourself and non-conforming, and I felt

like this way of thinking was very

different to how Japanese people think. I

feel like Japanese people are very

group-orientated, kind of like worker

ants, all working for the greater good of

the colony. I think that being unique and

having your own sense of identity is very

important. And I hate that Japanese

saying, the nail that sticks out gets

hammered down. What a load of crap! I

completely— I believe in the complete

opposite of that. You shouldn't hammer

down a nail if it sticks out. You should

pull it out and give it its own special

place. So although appearance-wise I might

fit in more in Japan, I didn't really feel

like my way of— my

values, my way of thinking really fitted

into Japanese society or culture.

And even if I could speak perfect

Japanese, I would still always be an

outsider because I'm a foreigner.

And sometimes it can get frustrating being

treated as a foreigner in your own

country. People would ask me things like,

where are you from? I know it's not an

insulting thing to ask, they're just

curious. But I always find it tricky to

ask— answer that question because I'm from

this country, and I know that's not the

answer they're looking for. They want to

know what my ethnicity is. And sometimes

people would talk to me slowly or in a

loud voice because they assume that I'm

not English and I don't speak English

well. Sometimes my mum would just randomly

say things like, Why does Daniel look so

Asian? How come his hair's so black? How

come he doesn't have facial hair? And to

tell the truth, I feel like this is a

compliment. I feel very happy when she

says that because there's this part of me

that enjoys looking Asian. But at the same

time, I also feel kind of irritated. I

feel like, are you disappointed that I

look Asian? Does the fact that I look more

Asian than Caucasian disappoints you.

Also, it can be kind of awkward when I'm

with my dad and my dad's introducing me to

someone. He's— and he says something like,

this is my son. I feel like it's kind of

strange because we look nothing alike. I

look nothing like my dad. The only

similarity would be our skinniness, and I

feel like I can imagine the other person

thinking Is— are they really son and

father? They don't look anything like each

other. I know a lot of people would say

none of this really matters. It doesn't

matter what you look like. Physical

appearances aren't important. It's who you

are on the inside. And I partially agree

with that. Maybe if we lived in a world

where everyone looked exactly the same,

then racism wouldn't exist. And I feel

like Me looking different to all

the other kids was one of the main reasons

why I was bullied. And because I was

bullied, I have lots of different problems

now, like low self-esteem, low confidence,

social anxiety. Sometimes I talk to my dad

about how I was bullied during school,

and he would be really surprised. He would

say things like, I had no idea you were

being bullied. I wish you had told me that

this was happening and I would have done

something about this. And I find that

really weird. Like, what could you have

done? What are you going to do, go into my

school and give a warning to all the, all

the kids who were bullying me? There's

nothing you could have done. Even if you

had moved me to a different school, the

same thing would have happened. I could

have gone to every school in the country

and the likelihood that I would have

gotten bullied would be pretty much the

same unless I went to some kind of

multiracial school, maybe a school in

London where it's common to have different

ethnicities of children in the school.

The school I went to was 99% white in the

countryside, so I was pretty much the only

Asian kid at school, and that was one of

the reasons why I got singled out But the

problem is, kids like me, we're small,

we're weird, we're quiet, we look weak,

and that is why we get bullied. It's just

natural. It's just what kids do. Kids

bully other kids, and I don't really feel

like there's much you can do to change

that. I get a bit worried sometimes. I

imagine if I had my own child and he or

she was getting bullied in school, what

would I do about that? I don't really know

what I could do about it apart from

talking to them and listening to their

problems and trying to understand them.

Maybe I would even take them out of school

and try and homeschool them because I

understand how that felt like, how that

feels, and I would feel sorry for them.