Why i Regret Divorcing my Japanese ex-Wife (4 years later) [KyXCNQlWpG4]

So it's been about 4 years since I got

divorced from my Japanese ex-wife, and

sometimes I sit here and I think to

myself, did I make the right decision?

Was it the correct choice to divorce her?

If I was still married to her and living

in Japan, would I be happier than how

happy I am now?

And sometimes I feel like it's not a very

difficult comparison to make.

Obviously, I would be much happier if I

was in a serious relationship that was

stable and had a wife and I was living in

Japan.

And it just seems like right now my life

compared to how it was when I was married

just seems to be worse in almost every

single way.

So the reason why things kind of suck

right now is because obviously it's kind

of embarrassing to be 35 years old and

living with your mum and you can't get a

serious relationship, or you can get a

serious relationship but it never really

lasts very long.

And also I don't really know what to do

because I'm not really interested in UK

culture or British culture and traditions

and exploring the UK and traveling around

the UK, because actually I don't really

care.

I was born in this country.

I've been in this country my whole life.

Nothing about this country really

interests me or fascinates me.

I'm more interested in Japan, like

traveling around Japan and Japanese

culture and language.

That's why I feel like if I was still in

Japan, still married, at least I could

make content about Japan and travel

content around Japan and Japanese kind of

stuff.

That's what I'd be more interested in

doing.

I just don't feel very motivated to make

content about life in the UK because I

just don't feel interested in my own

country.

Because like I said before, it's not

exotic or anything because I've spent

nearly whole life here and I grew up here.

So basically I'd be making way more money

if I was still living in Japan because

there would be way more content

opportunities.

And then I could have made content with my

ex-wife because she was completely okay

with being on camera and she's quite

enthusiastic actually about making content

together with me.

She actually did have an interest in being

a YouTuber or being like a YouTuber couple

with me on YouTube.

And I kind of messed it up.

I had perfect YouTube partner who wasn't

camera shy, who was pretty charismatic and

good and likable on camera, who was

willing to do stuff with me.

And I flushed it all down the toilet.

And she did actually say to me that it

won't be easy to find like a new girl

who'd be happy to be on camera.

And at the time I was like, yeah,

whatever, what do you know?

But it turns out she was right because it

is actually really difficult to find

someone to make YouTube content with who

is completely okay with being on camera

and doesn't let the hate comments or the

toxic viewers get to them.

And you might be thinking, well, why did

you divorce her in the first place?

Why didn't you just stay with her if it

was so great?

And the problem is I'm a dreamer.

I always think in the back of my mind, I

can do better.

So I kept looking at my ex-wife and I kept

thinking, and I feel like I could do

better.

I've got all these other options.

I've got all these other choices opening

up to me now that I have this YouTube

fame.

And at the time, it just seemed not to

make any sense to stay in the marriage

when I could find an upgrade and get like

a younger, more interesting girlfriend to

make content with.

But I didn't realize that would be so

difficult to actually get a new girlfriend

that actually lasted and didn't end after

a few months.

It was very short-term thinking that got

me into this situation.

And I guess if I was a long-term thinker,

I would have used my brains more and

stayed in the marriage, and it would have

in the long run been more beneficial to

me.

I think surely even after 4 years or 5

years, people would have been more

interested in watching my channel if I was

still living in Japan and vlogging and

talking about life in Japan compared to

now where I basically just sit in my

bedroom in my mum's house and I don't even

go out.

I went out once.

I've been back in the UK for like 2,

nearly 3 months, and I think I've been out

a total of 2 times.

And now looking back in hindsight, I feel

like there could have been way more

content opportunities if I had stayed

married, even if it might have been boring

because I would have had to stop cheating

and stop meeting up with fangirls.

And eventually the fangirls would have

dried up anyway, even after many years

staying in Japan.

But I still would have had other content

opportunities.

Like, maybe we would have moved out into a

newer apartment that's bigger.

I could have done like Japanese apartment

tour, and then we could have gotten pets

like a cat, or maybe a Shiba Inu doggy

woggy, whatever the fuck it's called.

Or maybe you could have even had some

kids.

I don't know if we would have eventually

made a family.

She might have been too old for that, and

I'm kind of infertile, so maybe no kids.

But still, I feel like maybe living in

Japan with a wife, with our own place,

where I'm like a responsible adult paying

bills or helping to pay bills and we go on

trips and stuff like that.

That would have been or might have been

better than living in the UK with my mum.

The UK, I don't know if I'd want to live

in the UK if I didn't have this big house

to live in because that would mean I would

have to probably get a job because my

YouTube money is just not enough to be

able to support myself if I was living

alone outside of my mum's house.

It's just very expensive.

Things like rent is very expensive.

Food is very expensive.

Transport is very expensive.

Public transport is rubbish.

So you kind of need your own vehicle to

get around and the towns and cities in the

UK are dangerous, horrible, and ugly, and

really expensive.

I lived in Manchester for half a year, and

it was probably one of the worst, ugliest

cities I ever lived in, and I would not

want to live in a British city ever again.

London is insanely expensive and unsafe

and a horrible place.

So the only place I'd want to live in the

UK is either in my mum's house or in the

countryside, and it's just too expensive.

I wouldn't be able to afford it.

In Japan, on the other hand, the cities

are really nice, they're really safe,

they're really modern, and also they're

really cheap.

So living in a nice area in Japan would

not be very difficult even on my current

YouTube earnings, which are not very much.

I feel like now that I'm 35, the idea of

trying to move to Japan again and trying

to find a new wife, it's just far too

difficult.

I don't have access to dating apps

anymore, so that makes finding a woman in

the first place extremely difficult.

I would have to like go to a bar or go

clubbing and actually talk to women on the

street, which I just cannot do.

So scary and it's so difficult without

dating apps.

I can't really find anyone, to be honest.

So trying to find or trying to recreate

what I once had before when I was married

in Japan again now, nearly 5 years later.

It's just so difficult.

It's like an uphill battle.

I think I really have to think about just

staying in the UK, trying to find a way to

survive here and build a life here.

So as you may know, this year I went to

Japan a couple months ago, and I was there

for about 90 days.

And I was living in a guest house that was

basically 15 minutes walk away from where

me and my ex-wife used to live.

So I was basically in the same area.

And I don't know why I did that.

It was a really stupid idea because it

just me feel really sad and down.

I walked around the streets in the area

and I just kept reminiscing and feeling

nostalgic and feeling massive amounts of

regret.

And I felt like, why, why did I get

divorced and I lost everything when I had

a pretty good thing going?

People were really interested in the

channel and life in Japan.

They really liked Chihiro.

And life could have been pretty good if I

just put more effort into being a good

husband that didn't keep starting fights

and arguments so I could make clickbait

YouTube drama videos, and I didn't keep

cheating.

And I could have had a pretty nice life if

I just had some patience and had some

impulse control.

And I actually really missed her, and I

really was hoping that she would agree to

meet up because maybe in the back of my

mind I was thinking, what if we got back

together?

I know, as crazy as that sounds, I thought

it could be a possibility that she might

still be interested.

Maybe she could forgive me or see that

I've changed or see that the problems we

had before wouldn't be problems now

because things have changed and

everything.

My YouTube channel is kind of dead and

it's not crazy as it used to be back then.

But obviously she moved on.

She wasn't interested in talking to me at

all.

She didn't even want to reply to my

messages.

And then she reported me to the police,

and then the police came to my room and I

had to go to the police station and

explain to them why I was walking around

my ex-wife's house.

So that was kind of embarrassing.

I don't really want to get into it now

because I might make an entirely separate

video explaining that entire story.

And I just felt really sad.

I'd walk around where we used to walk

around.

I went to the supermarket we used to shop

at.

I'd go to the park and I'd just sit there

in the middle of the night, and then I'd

start crying.

I felt like I was going mentally insane

when I was living in that area this year.

So it was a really stupid idea.

I thought it'd be funny.

I thought it would be like an interesting

experience, and I get déjà vu and

nostalgia.

And then it just turned into like this

miserable time where I felt huge regret

and sadness.

I sat in that park thinking, how can

everything have changed so much?

It's only been 4 years, not even 5 years,

but everything is so different.

I I look older, my channel's dead, I've

got no more YouTube fame or clout, the

money's all dried up.

What the hell happened?

I kept thinking to myself, 4 years ago

when I was in this park in this exact same

spot, I felt like I was on top of the

world.

I had all these options, all these

choices, all these opportunities, all this

money, and now I've got nothing.

And the ironic thing is, the reason why I

was scared and unhappy being in the

marriage was because I was scared that

these things would happen if I stayed in

the marriage or if I was stuck in the

marriage.

Things like stagnation, becoming

irrelevant, people getting bored, being

sad and lonely.

I thought if I stayed in the marriage, I

would have to suffer these things.

But actually, I am suffering those things

because I left the marriage.

And if I had stayed in the marriage, I

don't think my life would have stagnated

so badly.

I don't think I'd be lonely, and I don't

think people would have gotten so bored

with my content as they have now.

So it's kind of interesting how in the

beginning it seemed like it was a good

idea to get divorced, and in the short

term it was a good idea because I did all

this stuff and I met all these girls and

it was a good time.

But in the long run, I guess it didn't

really turn out to be the best decision.

And my life might be more fulfilling and

more enjoyable if I had just stayed

married and I stayed in Japan.

Things could have been more interesting

that way.

I just really don't understand why it

feels like life sucks when you're in the

situation, and then you try really hard to

get yourself out of the current situation

because you think life sucks.

And then once you've gotten out of it,

after some time has passed, you then look

back and then you kind of miss how life

was, even though you used to think it

sucks, but now you think, actually, it was

pretty good back then.

It's kind of like when you're in the

moment, all you can focus on are the

negative things and why you hate your

current life.

But then once you've left your current

life and it's now in the past, you then

reminisce and you start thinking of all

the great things and what was so great

about your old life.

And now you miss it.

It's like you create this alternate

reality of how things used to be when it

wasn't really like that, if you remember.

But I guess now that she's made it

extremely clear wants to never see me or

ever talk to me ever again, then I guess I

just have to give up and I have to try and

move on myself.

I just find it kind of weird why she still

talks to my mum.