Working in Retail with Social Anxiety

Hey, hi, hello. So I wanted to make this

video about what's it like being a sales

assistant when you have social anxiety.

I've been working at the petrol station

for about 3 months now, since September.

Now it's December. September,

October, November. I guess I'm in my 4th

month now.

And yeah, it's tough

sometimes because Especially working

behind the till and serving customers. It

can cause a lot of anxiety. It makes me

panic a lot sometimes. It's getting better

now because I have more experience and

I've been doing it for a while, and I feel

more confident because I feel more

confident with what I'm doing. I know how

to do my job. There's still like some

times when I don't know what I'm doing,

and that's what really causes me to panic.

Every time a customer comes up to the

till, my heart starts racing and I start

feeling really nervous. I start fidgeting

and I feel like my hands are

a bit clammy. And this is just because

even though this rarely happens, like 1%

of the time it will happen, but you get

customers that are either rude or

unfriendly or they're really intimidating,

like they're shouting and stuff, or they

ask me something that I don't know how to

do. For example, they didn't have any

money to pay for fuel. I don't know what

to do in that situation. They did tell me

what I had to do, but there were so many

steps to the process and I can't really—

it's very difficult to remember everything

you're supposed to do in the heat of the

moment. So I usually have to call for

help. Also, there are tiny

things like cigarettes. There are a lot of

cigarettes and cigars, and the most

popular ones I remember now, things like

Mayfair or Benson Hedges are very popular,

so it's easy to remember them. But

sometimes you get the very rare customer

that asks for a brand of cigar or

cigarettes that no one else ever asked

for, and I'm like, what? What is that?

Like, someone came in and asked for, can I

have Six Kings? Six Kings? What is that?

And it turns out they were cigars, like

right in the corner of the cigarette

shelf. No one ever asks for Six Kings

cigars. You're the only customer that ever

asks for that brand of cigars. Usually

people don't even buy cigars, they buy

cigarettes. So things like that make me

very anxious.

Um, because it's night shift, there aren't

really many customers, especially

overnight. You probably get 4 or 5

customers every hour overnight. Sometimes

you don't even get one customer when it's

2 AM or 4 AM in the morning. But there,

there are 2, 2 time slots when there are a

lot of customers even on the night shift.

From 10 PM until 11 PM, there are quite a

lot of customers because it's still,

still quite early in the evening. 10 PM,

that's when my shift starts.

Usually it's regular customers, so it's

okay because I recognize them, and usually

they always ask for the same things and

they're quite friendly. And then there's 5

AM until 6 AM, which is the last hour of

my shift, and that can get very busy

because that's when everyone's going to

work. All the lorry drivers, the truck

drivers, people who have to start early in

the morning, all the factory workers,

they come in at 5, half past 5, and it

gets very busy. You can get like a big

queue in the morning, but so far it's been

okay. Usually it's regular customers, so I

don't really feel super anxious about it.

The thing that I find most difficult is,

um, handling the till when

you have to give them back their change.

I get worried that I'm going to drop the

coins or I'm going to give them back the

wrong change. Or when they bring loads of

items to the till and have to put into a

plastic bag, I get worried that I'm too

slow or that I'm gonna break something,

put it in the bag incorrectly and

make a mess. That happened a few times in

Japan when I was working in the

convenience store. Customers would be in a

rush and I was too slow putting stuff in

the bag, and this woman, she just grabbed

all her items and shoved it into the

plastic bag and ran off. She literally ran

off. She didn't even say thank you or

anything. It was really weird. And then

sometimes I put the products into the

plastic bag— like, I'd put the soft items

like bread at the bottom, and then I put

heavy objects like drinks at the top, and

it would crush everything underneath. I

got told off a few times for doing that.

You just have to use your common sense,

but sometimes when you're under stress

and, and you're nervous, your common sense

kind of disappears and you make stupid

decisions and you do silly things. Um,

oh, the first day on the job. Yeah, that

was really scary. The first day on the

job, they put me straight behind the till

and they just told me to stand there and I

had to watch what, what the other people

were doing. But it was really scary

because it feels like you're being put

onto a stage. All the customers are

queuing up and they're coming up to see

you, and the customer kind of expects you

to know what you're doing because you work

there. But since it's my first day, I had

no idea what I was doing. They didn't make

me do anything on the till anyway. The

first few hours I was just watching, and

then after a few hours they made me go on

the till, and I had no idea what I was

supposed to do. They told me what I had to

do, but it was still like a lot to take

in. For example, you have to ask them if

they have any fuel when they first come up

because it's a petrol station. This is

something that made me wonder. In England,

we call petrol petrol. But at

the petrol station, we ask the customer if

they have any fuel because apparently

diesel doesn't count as petrol. So if you

say any petrol and they say no because

they have diesel, they can say no, I don't

have petrol, I have diesel. So you say any

fuel because that covers everything. But

in America, you say gas, right? You don't

call petrol petrol, you call it gas. So if

this was America, would you be saying any

gas? Would you be asking the customer if

they had gas? As in,

are they gonna fart? Do they have gas in

their stomach? I don't even know if they—

I don't know how petrol stations work in

America. Do any of you

work in a petrol station in America? When

the customer comes up to pay for fuel,

what do you ask them? Do you have to ask

them if they have fuel or not? I don't

know. I wouldn't be able to ask a customer

if they had gas and not burst out laughing

because In England, that means something

else when you have gas anyway. Um,

yeah, first day on the job was really

scary because I had no idea what I was

doing. Just being behind the till is very

mentally draining. Technically,

it's a very easy job. I mean, you just

stand there, you scan the items, you press

some buttons on the computer screen, and

then you take the customer's money, and

then you give them back the change. It's

really easy. It's the easiest thing you'd

ever have to do,

but mentally it's really tough for me

because I get so worried for, for no

reason. Because 99% of the time it's fine,

the customers are friendly, they just

bring a few items and everything's fine.

But I keep worrying about the 1%

chance that something's gonna go wrong,

and that makes me really anxious. So I

find it really tough to be behind the till

for long periods of time. That's why I

enjoy doing the cooking and the cleaning.

And I like that my coworker, the Nepal

guy, he just stands behind the till most

of the time. And yeah, it feels like

sometimes just feel like I'm doing more

work, but I actually prefer it. I'd rather

be in the kitchen or in the back of the

shop rather than having to deal with

customers. Most of the time I'm doing

cooking because you have to prepare a lot

of stuff like donuts and, and hot food for

the morning. And sometimes I do my work

really slowly, like I do the cooking

really slowly, just so I can spend more

time in the kitchen or in the back of the

shop instead of having to be by the till

and having to serve customers. And there's

CCTV in the office and you can see the

till and if there's customers coming. And

sometimes I check the CCTV to check if

there's any customers, and if there's a

queue of people, maybe 3 or 4 people,

then I would avoid going back to the till

just so I don't have to serve them. I'd

wait until the coast is clear. I'd wait

until there's no customers, and then I'd

go back to the till. It's kind of, um,

not very good because it's making the

customer wait, right? It's supposed to—

when there's a queue, you're supposed to

go out and help out. If the queue's really

long and I see that it's— they're being

held up and it's taking a long time, then

yeah, I don't really have any choice. I

kind of have to go to the till and help,

help get the queue down a bit.

But when it's just like a few customers

waiting, I pretend that— I pretend not to

notice and I just carry on doing stuff in

the kitchen, cleaning stuff, sorting stuff

out. When I talk to the other staff about

night shift and day shift, they always say

they didn't like the night shift because

it was really boring, and they liked the

day shift because they enjoy interacting

with the customers. They enjoy the banter.

That's what she said. I like doing days

because I enjoy the banter. She enjoys

having conversations with the customers,

and I find that really hard to understand.

Why would you enjoy having a conversation

with random people? But I

guess some people are like that, you know,

they, they enjoy socializing and talking

to people and interacting with people.

I'm the complete opposite. I don't enjoy

it at all. Sometimes you get customers and

they want to have a conversation with you.

They don't just come and pay, they start

talking. They'll say, how's your day been?

Have you been busy tonight? What time do

you finish? Or they'd start talking about

the weather, like Oh, it's cold out there,

or it's raining a lot, and I find it

really awkward. I can tell that they kind

of want to have like a little

conversation, and I

find it really difficult to come up with

an answer or an appropriate response.

I usually don't ask them back, how are

you? How have you been? What have you been

up to? Mainly because I don't want to

prolong the conversation. I don't want to

have it go on for any longer than it

should. I usually did do everything really

quickly just so I can get the customer out

as fast as possible. There's this one time

when this, uh, lorry driver came in, and

with the lorry drivers we have to

pre-validate the payment card. So,

so he came in and gave me his card and I

scanned it, pre-validated it, and

everything was okay. And then he just

suddenly handed his keys to me. He He did

this like that with his keys and he said,

fill it up for me. And I was like, what?

My mind was like panicking. What are you

asking me to do? I don't understand what

you're saying. Fill up your keys? And then

he started laughing. He was joking. I

couldn't even tell that he was joking. He

was making a joke. Because it was raining

and cold outside, he wanted me to— the

joke was he wanted me to go out there and

fill up his lorry with petrol. And I just

didn't— I didn't get it until he actually

said it was a joke. I was so confused. I

was like, what are you asking me to do? I

don't understand what you're saying. I'm

gonna have to go and call for help. It was

so awkward. Sometimes I find it really

difficult to tell when people are joking

and when they're serious. I feel like I'm

letting the customer down. He came and he

wanted to have a little chat, a little

conversation, and I wasn't able to provide

him with a friendly conversation. I

probably came off as unfriendly and cold,

which I don't enjoy doing that, but I

don't know how to have a conversation

with— I don't know how to do small talk

with random strangers. It's just really

difficult for me, and my mind is racing

trying to think of an interesting thing to

say back to him. And usually by the time

I've come up with that reply, he's already

walking towards the exit. Anyway, it's

just very difficult having to interact

with customers. It is getting easier as I

get more experience and more confident

with what I have to do. I do feel more

confident serving customers, but it's,

it's always there, like, in the back of my

mind. I still feel nervous every time a

customer approaches me because there's

always that tiny chance that they'll ask

me something that I don't know how to do,

or they'll do something that gets me into

trouble because I handle the situation

wrongly, or I don't ask for help. I find

it difficult to ask for help because,

because it's like admitting that I don't

know what I'm supposed to be doing. And

what I try to do is I try to, I try to

find the solution to the problem myself,

and I end up winging it and I end up doing

it wrongly, and then I get told off, and

then they ask me, why didn't you ask for

help? And I find it really hard to explain

why I didn't ask for help. It's because— I

don't know, there's just something— maybe

it's like pride. Like, I don't want to ask

for help because I want to be able to

handle the situation by myself and not

have to rely on my coworker, but At the

end of the day, that's what a coworker is

for, to help you out and someone you can

rely on, right? So I

suppose I need to stop thinking that way

and ask people for help when I need it

instead of trying to fix the problem by

myself and in the process causing more

problems. I think that if you have social

anxiety, that it is a good idea to get a

customer service kind of job. Even though

it's really difficult, because the more

you're exposed to people, the easier it

gets. Just hiding in your room, hiding in

your house, not interacting with anyone

doesn't make it better. It makes it worse.

The longer you go without speaking to

strangers or having to interact with

people, the harder it gets when you

finally— when you actually have to

interact with people.

And if you're doing something on a daily

basis, every day having to interact with

people, then I feel like, yeah, I do feel

more comfortable as time goes on.

So it is a tough job for me,

um, because of the social anxiety, but I

think that in the long run, it's going

to be good. It should make me more

confident dealing with people and speaking

to people. So I do feel like it's a good

job to have, and yeah,

it would be easier if I had a job where I

could work on my own, I didn't have to

deal with customers, but to be honest,

those jobs are kind of rare. You know,

you need— there are jobs like that where

maybe stuff like freelancing, but they're

not easy jobs to get into. And there were

just thousands and thousands of customer

service jobs. They're probably the most

available kind of job where you have to

serve customers. So yeah,

it would be my dream to work on my own and

not have to interact with people, but I

feel like a part of me also wants to

overcome this social anxiety, and I want

to feel more confident. I want to be able

to interact with people like a normal

person does and, and not be panicking and

sweating and nearly having a heart attack.

Uh, I think that was everything I wanted

to say. Yeah,

I did get some Christmas tinsel. I don't

know if you can see it. I thought it'd

make the background look more interesting

in the video, but You can't really see it

because my head's in the way. Anyway,

time to wrap this video up, I think.

Yeah,