I Got Presents From Amazon -)

I've got presents from Amazon.

Does my hair look okay?

Just need to make sure I don't dox myself.

I took off all the address labels from the

box— boxes.

Hopefully there's no more address labels

hidden somewhere else.

Uh, I've closed the curtains.

So you can't see outside the windows, but

a bird took a shit on the curtain.

Can you see it?

I tried my best to wipe off the shit, but

there's still a stain.

Now there's a bird shit stain on the

curtain.

Can you believe it?

The door was open just a tiny bit, and

then the bird managed to do a flying shit

on the curtain on that exact spot where

the door was open.

What kind of accuracy does it have?

Um, those are my knees.

I am wearing trousers, don't worry.

What's the horrible noise in the

background?

Sounds like sheet metal banging.

Oh well, this, this construction site just

down the road, they're building a brand

new apartment building.

And at the moment it's just, um, it's just

the steel, steel framework that's been put

up and they're setting up— can you hear

it?

So annoying.

Right now they're putting up the

scaffolding, so it's quite noisy.

Plus there's aeroplanes flying over.

It's not a very peaceful place.

Main complaint about this area is that

it's right underneath a flight path to

some airport nearby.

So every— I don't know how often the

aeroplanes fly over.

I don't think it's that often because

every time I try and remember,

I try and time it, but then I forget.

So it can't be too often if I keep

forgetting when the last one happened.

Maybe it's once an hour.

Anyway, I bought some things from Amazon.

Today's gonna be— well, hopefully I want

to do a long stream today because I have

nothing else to do and my wife's gonna,

gonna be back late because she's going to

a birthday party.

I'm just so bored these days.

I don't have anything to do.

Not, not like I had anything to do anyway

before.

I haven't really been making videos

properly, you know, like how I used to

make them.

Stupid airplanes.

Maybe I should close the window.

Why aren't I going with her?

I'm not going to go with my wife to her

friend's birthday party.

I don't even know her friends.

Her friends don't even like me.

They want— they want us to break up.

Fuck her friends.

I matched one of her friends on Tinder,

and then she started messaging me saying

things like, oh, I just broke up with my

boyfriend, I'm lonely, do you want to meet

up?

And I instantly knew it was either some

kind of troll or her friend.

There's no way a cute young girl is gonna

start messaging me those kind of things.

So I just kind of went along with it and I

said, yeah, why don't you come over to my

place tomorrow?

And then she said, oh, what about Chihiro?

And then I said, oh, how did you know

about her?

And she said, I'm her friend, won't she be

upset?

And then she started lecturing me, saying

that I shouldn't be on Tinder.

And I said, well, you shouldn't be trying

to trick people into meeting up.

And then she threatened me.

She said,

She said, you should tell her yourself

or else I'm gonna tell her.

And I said, fine, I'll tell her myself.

I never told her though,

and I don't think she told my wife because

my wife said nothing about it.

It's none of their business.

If you're the friend, just mind your own

business.

Stop trying to interfere in people's

marriages.

Irritating.

She said, I think it'd be better if you

broke up.

Yeah, well, it's none of your business,

stupid friend.

Who the hell does she think she is?

Just because she's her friend doesn't mean

she has the right to poke her nose in

where it's not wanted.

My wife said about 3 of her friends

matched me on Tinder, and she said one of

them said I started chatting to her.

So yeah, I can't really use Tinder now.

It's too, too dangerous.

Not that I was gonna use it anyway.

It's not like I was planning on using it.

What kind of guy do you think I am?

Anyway, I guess it's nice because I don't

have to worry about meeting her friends or

family now.

I don't think there's any chance of me

having to meet her family now.

I don't really want to.

It would just be so awkward.

What would we talk about?

Imagine if I met her mum.

What would we talk about?

YouTube.

I don't know, I just end up sitting there

in silence not saying anything.

So I take it this time, this time zone,

the streaming isn't very good since there

aren't many people here.

It's— I think it's good for America

because according to my iPad,

look, this, this clock thing's quite good.

Oh shit, better be careful.

Does it show my location?

I don't think it does.

Look, there's a world clock thing.

It says San Francisco, 6:40 PM, and then

East side is 9 PM, but Europe is all dark.

It's 2 AM in the morning in London.

Uh, Australia is midday.

So yeah, this time zone is crap for Europe

for streaming.

They've all— most of my European viewers

will be sleeping, so, um, that's not good.

When should I stream then?

I don't know.

When I was in England, I hit a pretty good

streaming time zone.

I streamed at 7 PM in England.

Did I?

No, I streamed earlier.

I streamed about 5 PM.

But 5 PM in England would be about

4 AM in the, in the morning in Japan,

so I can't do that.

I would have had to stream, start

streaming 4 hours ago, which would be 11

minus 4, 7 AM in the morning in Japan.

Way too early for me.

Uh, it's a bit tricky,

time zones and stuff.

Anyway, start opening boxes.

I want to do cooking streams again like I

did before.

Those were fun.

What time did I used to stream

last year in Japan?

I used to stream—

I used to stream

around now, and it was, it was fine,

wasn't it?

I still feel kind of lazy to make videos.

I've just been making lazy wife videos

recently.

I haven't really done

a proper video like I used to, you know,

when I pick a topic and then talk about

the topic or talk about things I don't

like or have a rant about something.

I haven't done that for a while.

I just don't know what to talk about.

There's nothing that's really interesting

to me right now, and there's nothing

really I want to rant about.

I'm pretty

mellow these days in my old age.

I don't do much, I just play Darkest

Dungeon all day whilst watching YouTube,

and there's nothing I really want to talk

about.

So what am I supposed to make videos on?

I guess just wife stuff.

Don't really have any plans.

It's going to be hard to make content from

now on, I think.

I can't picture crazy stuff happening

really

now that I'm not meeting up random girls.

I guess, guess stuff like the German girl

stuff or the Turkish girl stuff isn't

going to happen.

And even if it did happen, I'd have to

keep it secret.

But then if you think about it, Okay,

okay, admittedly I'll probably get less

views now because less crazy stuff's gonna

happen, but my cost of living is gonna be

really cheap because I'm not gonna be

flying all over the place meeting these

random girls, am I?

I'm not gonna be spending loads in hotels

and loads on plane tickets.

So

yeah, views are probably gonna go down,

um,

But I'm gonna be making more money because

my lifestyle is just gonna be less hectic

and less expensive.

So

I bought these shorts.

I don't know if they're gonna be any good.

I just wanted some shorts to wear in the

house because summer's coming and it's

gonna be very hot.

It's not that hot yet.

Let's see if they fit.

Oh, they look quite nice actually.

I don't like shorts that are too short

because I don't like my knees.

I like shorts that go below your knees,

so I think these are quite good.

I don't like these though.

What are these dangling things?

Like Cut them off.

Well, my wife videos last year did pretty

well,

just going places with her.

Oh, thank you, Puffy.

More Date with Chihiro videos.

Yeah, that's what I'm planning.

I know people who want drama and stuff,

that's— that date stuff isn't going to be

very interesting, but They get views.

If I look at my, my videos I made before,

just going shopping with her got 100K

views.

Just going to a Japanese inn got 70K

views.

So we're gonna go to more places and

I'm gonna make videos out of them.

Hopefully they'll do okay.

View-wise, I might do a Love Hotel video.

What else do I have planned?

I don't really know.

I think I'm starting to get YouTube

burnout.

You know, it's hard work.

People think, oh, being a YouTuber must be

so easy, you just make some shitty video.

It's not that easy.

You have to think every day, what video

should I make next?

What video would I make tomorrow?

And then sometimes you just don't have any

ideas.

It's not easy constantly coming up with

ideas, especially when you're under

pressure to make a video every 2 days.

If I, if I only had to make a video once a

month, then yeah, I guess it'd be less

pressure.

But unfortunately, I'm not bloody Rachel

and Jun.

I don't get 2 million views every upload.

If I got 2 million views every upload,

then yeah, I'd probably just make one

video a week and then put more effort into

the video.

Oh, Rachel and Jun make me sick.

The amount of views they get, it's just

insane.

And yeah, people keep saying, oh, I'm

jealous.

Obviously I'm jealous.

Who wouldn't be jealous?

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous

when they get millions of views just for

doing mundane stuff, doing almost the same

stuff that I'm doing, you know, moving

apartments.

We moved apartment.

I moved apartment too.

I didn't get 2 million views, did I?

Oh, thank you, Marissa.

Go to other countries.

No, sick of traveling.

Costs so much money.

I don't make enough money to make it

profitable.

I put my Rachel and Jun video on my second

channel and it kind of worked.

It got 5K views, mostly from Rachel and

Jun fans.

They're so dumb.

They say stuff like, oh, if you don't like

them, don't watch them.

I don't watch them.

I just made a video on them to get views.

Idiots.

And they say stuff like, oh, you're just

jealous.

Obviously I'm jealous.

You'd have to be stupid to not be jealous.

And they say, oh, because Rachel and Jun

are likable and they're interesting.

They're not interesting though, they're

just normal average people.

I don't find them interesting.

I don't think Jun is interesting as a

person.

He's boring.

I don't think Rachel is interesting

either.

She's just like your stereotypical

standard average normal American lady.

There's nothing that stands out about her.

There's nothing— she's not witty or funny.

She's not incredibly good-looking.

She's just normal.

And there's nothing wrong with being

normal, but that's my point.

My point is it's just so average and

normal.

How do they get so many views?

It's just so stupid.

And then I kind of realized that you don't

have to be amazingly good-looking or

amazingly interesting to get big on

YouTube.

There's so many people on YouTube who are

huge and they're really boring.

And it just makes you wonder, how the hell

did these people get so popular when

they're so boring?

There's that Japanese girl, Nanako Okano.

She gets like 200k views every video.

She just cooks food and then eats it.

So boring.

And then people say I'm boring.

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing, I am pretty

boring.

But then how come I don't get 2 million

views?

Not fair.

How come some people can be boring and

they get views, and then some people are

boring, they don't get views?

I don't understand it.

Um, what else have I been doing?

I haven't been doing anything.

I've been having a bit of an existential

crisis, I guess.

I felt so depressed and lonely when I

moved into that Airbnb.

I wasn't actually planning on meeting—

getting back with my wife straight away.

I couldn't even last one day.

Oh, thank you, D.

Do I think Tokyo Creative are good?

No, they're boring as well.

Just another one of those

look at Japan, so great channels.

They're so boring.

I was hoping to at least stay in the

Airbnb by myself for a few weeks.

I couldn't even last one day without

crawling back to my wife.

I just felt so lonely and depressed.

I kept thinking, so why am I here?

Why am I doing it?

I'm just in this Airbnb all by myself.

I don't have a job.

I don't have anything planned.

I don't have anything to do.

I don't have anyone to meet.

I'm just sitting here playing Rainbow Six.

What's the point?

So I ended up contacting my wife and going

back to her.

I didn't even stay in the Airbnb for a

week.

Stayed there for 6 days,

and I paid for a whole month.

So stupid.

Paid £750 for a month, and I stayed there

for 6 days.

And then I put the key back into the

letterbox, so I can't even go back if I

wanted to.

Hopefully the place doesn't burn down.

I turned everything off.

I turned the— all the lights off.

I unplugged stuff.

Oh shit, I didn't unplug the fridge.

Do I need to unplug the fridge?

I left my rubbish there, so that's gonna

be stinking.

Uh, I took— I turned off the water heating

thing, so hopefully it doesn't burn down.

I kind of feel like a prisoner in this

apartment.

I, I feel trapped.

Oh, thank you, Cherry Huda.

It's stupid because I can walk out the

door anytime I want to, but I just have no

motivation to go outside because I don't

need to.

And I just, I feel kind of trapped in

here.

Sometimes I stand out on the balcony and I

just Look around.

The weather's nice.

Sometimes I kind of wish I had a job.

I think I'm gonna slowly go start going

crazy, and I'm starting to actually want

to have a job.

Not for money.

I don't want to get a job because I want

money.

I want a job because I want to have

something that I need to do.

I feel so bored

and I've got no routine.

I've got nothing to do apart from make

shitty videos on my YouTube channel, which

doesn't really feel fulfilling anymore.

I don't feel fulfilled making videos like

I used to.

I feel bored making videos, to be honest.

I don't know what to make videos on.

There's nothing I really want to make

videos on.

I don't wake up in the morning thinking,

oh, can't wait to make my new video on

this thing.

I've lost my passion, I lost my mojo,

and I don't know what to do.

This Hong Kong guy once asked me if I

wanted to hang out.

I met him last year at immigration.

He recognized me.

I don't know, I'm just worried that we

would hang out and then I'd feel bored.

I tried hanging out with guys a couple

years ago.

There was this Korean guy at the guest

house and I thought, why don't I give

hanging out with guys a try?

And it was so boring.

We just walked around Shinjuku.

He went— he took me to some clothing

stores and he looked for clothing, and I

just stood there

waiting for him.

But it was so boring.

And then I said, let's go to a camera

shop, and he was bored because he wasn't

interested in cameras.

I didn't know what to talk about.

I got these USB to USB-C adapters.

Because my wife actually kept my Blue Yeti

microphone.

My wife kept the Blue Yeti snowball thing,

and I was wondering if I could plug it

into my iPad.

I could try plugging it in now, see if it

sounds any better.

I think it sounds fine now.

You can hear me.

I just don't really see the point in

meeting people.

What would we do?

I guess we'd talk and then get food and

then walk around.

It just seems kind of pointless.

This is cute.

I'm so happy to meet you.

Konnichiwa, Ram Pal.

They gave me 2.

The only motivation I had to meet people

before was to have sex.

For example, I wanted to go to a guest

house and I wanted to make friends so I

could ultimately meet a girl and then have

sex with her, become her boyfriend.

Apart from sex, I've never really had much

motivation to meet people.

This is what I've been looking forward to.

I got a nice new case for my iPad.

I decided not to get a new iPad.

I was thinking about giving this iPad to

my wife and then getting the bigger

version for myself, but she's not going to

use it, and then it'll be stupid having 2

iPads lying around the house.

Just so I get a slightly larger screen.

I think I'd rather save the money and then

just use the smaller one.

It's not too small.

Oh, thank you, Ren Puto Rack.

Have Chihiro try on bikinis.

I don't know,

I feel like that's crossing a line using

her body.

As a thumbnail to get views.

I'm not quite,

not quite there yet.

I just don't know what to do with my life,

so I thought coming back here would be

better than just staying at home in

England in my mum's house not doing

anything.

At least when I'm married I kind of have a

few responsibilities,

but I feel more like an adult instead of

living with my mum.

I have to admit, I, I did feel a bit

embarrassed living with my mum

when I'm 30.

I guess I feel more like a proper adult.

Do do do do.

What else did I buy?

This is a nice box, isn't it?

Look at that.

Also, it's really annoying living with my

mum.

She kept having.

She kept nagging me over stupid things.

Like the toilet flushing thing.

The toilet is just a bad toilet.

Sometimes you take a shit and then you

flush it twice and then the bits just spin

around and it doesn't go down properly.

And then you have to stand there waiting

for like 5 minutes for the water to

recharge.

I'm not gonna stand there for 5 minutes in

the toilet waiting for the flush to

recharge.

I want to go back into my room and then do

stuff.

But then the problem is sometimes I forget

the that I have to go back in and flush

it, and then she goes into the bathroom

before I go back in, and then she sees the

shit and then she starts whinging.

I don't have that problem here because in

Japan they have decent toilets where it

flushes properly.

I don't even have to wipe the shit stains

off the toilet because it's designed in a

way that shit stains don't happen.

The toilet we have in that bathroom is

just a bad toilet.

It doesn't flush properly, and then it

gets shit stains pretty easily because

It's just designed in a stupid way where

your shit hits the toilet bowl before it

hits the water.

Every time I took a shit, I had to wipe it

off.

It was annoying.

One good thing about Japan is they know

how to make a good toilet where there's

never—

I've been living in, in this place for a

week now and I haven't once had to wipe

off a shit stain, and I've never once had

to flush it twice.

It's just good design, toilet design.

Instructions.

So I got this keyboard case for my iPad,

and I don't know why because I hardly do

any typing on my iPad.

I just play games and watch YouTube,

so I don't know why I wasted money on this

keyboard case.

It's okay, didn't cost too much money.

I thought it'd be nice to have a keyboard.

Maybe, maybe I could do some typing.

Maybe I could write a script.

You know what I'd like to do?

Kind of, I'd like to kind of challenge

myself and do a video essay kind of video

where I write a script.

I do a bit of research and I bring up

interesting points.

I wish I could make those kind of videos.

That'd be nice.

I just don't know what to do a video essay

on, and then I actually have to do

research.

I can't be bothered.

I had this idea of making one about forced

positivity in Japan.

Uh, I don't know if I have

much to go on.

You know when you go into supermarkets and

shops in Japan, there's always this super

happy music playing and everyone looks

like they're pretending to be happy when

they're probably not.

And then I was Googling stuff and I found

some articles where they talked about how

pretending to be happy actually just makes

you feel less happy, makes you feel worse.

Maybe I'll just copy that entire article.

Maybe I'll just read out articles off the

internet and then use that as my content.

Steal other people's stuff.

You know, there's loads of articles on the

internet.

Just pick one, copy the title, and just

read it out word for word and pretend it's

my work.

Who's gonna notice?

I don't think anyone would notice.

No one even noticed when I copied

DanIsNotOnFire's video called Why I'm an

Awful Human Being.

It's quite a nice keyboard.

It's like a proper keyboard, not those—

you know those Apple Smart Keyboards?

The official ones for the iPads, they're

horrible.

The buttons, they don't press down or make

a sound, and they feel really spongy.

But these— this one feels like a proper

keyboard.

And look, you can swivel it, swivel it

round like this.

Feels a bit weird like this though.

People noticed when Matthew Santoro was

copying articles.

Yeah, but no one cared.

It's not like his channel died.

Feels like it's gonna snap.

Why?

It'd be nice if this was magnetic.

And you have to charge the keyboard as

well.

USB, mini USB.

Hopefully it's already charged.

I'm guessing it connects using Bluetooth.

How do I turn it on?

Oh,

there's no battery.

I don't think there's battery.

Says orange.

Um, how can I charge it?

I could get my battery bank.

Do do do do do.

I was looking at sex dolls on Amazon today

as well.

They have these full body ones, they're

not too expensive, about $200, but it

looks like a child.

It's really creepy.

It'd be like effing a child, wouldn't it?

And then they have bigger adult women size

ones.

But the problem is

they look really heavy and I don't know

how the Amazon guy is going to carry it up

the staircase.

By the way, it's the same Amazon guy from

last year.

It's that old guy.

Who remembers me complaining about the

Amazon being unfriendly?

It's him.

I wonder if he remembers me.

He must remember me because I have a weird

foreigner's name.

And the second time we moved to the bigger

place and I ordered stuff there, it was

him again delivering to the same area.

He must think it's weird.

Why do I keep moving around to different

apartments in the same town?

It must be like he keeps going to new

apartments and then I'm there.

He must have thought, what's this guy

doing here?

Why is he in a different place?

It's a bit awkward.

Yeah, the only thing stopping me from

getting a full-sized sex doll is

I don't think the Amazon guy would be able

to carry up the stairs because he's kind

of an old guy.

He's not like a big buff young guy.

I'd probably have to go down there and

help him bring it up.

If we're on the first floor, then it

wouldn't be a problem, but we're quite

high up in this new building.

There's quite a lot of stairs and there's

no elevator,

and the sex doll must weigh at least 20 kg

if it's a full-size one.

Some of them have metal skeletons to make

it more realistic.

Must weigh a ton.

I don't think it'll be hard to store it

because there's lots of closets here.

I can just put it back into a box

and then store it there.

I need a tissue.

It'll be nice if you can buy the body

parts separately.

And then attach them,

attach them together.

So you can buy parts separately and then

just piece it together bit by bit.

I just don't know what kind of doll I

want.

I quite like the torso doll, but I really

wanted legs so I could get a half-size

doll just with legs.

But then I kind of want a torso and a

head, so I might as well get a full body.

But then they're so big

and they're probably very heavy.

I feel a lot safer in this apartment as

well because there's a security bit at the

front where you have to enter it into a

PIN code and there's a proper

locked entrance, unlike the second place

where there was no entrance and you could

just walk straight up the stairs and then

you can go straight outside of my front

door.

I didn't really feel very comfortable with

that, but this place feels a lot more

secure.

Also, it doesn't feel so lonely.

My wife was saying the second place felt

lonely.

And I can kind of understand what she

meant now.

That place did feel kind of lonely,

didn't it?

I wonder why.

It's because

there, there wasn't many buildings

surrounding it.

There was a river in front of it, and then

behind it there was like a foresty area,

and it just felt really isolated.

But this place is all crowded, full of

apartments and big buildings, and then you

feel kind of nestled in with all the other

buildings.

You should ask your wife if she'd be okay

with you using a sex doll.

She's okay with it.

I don't think she cares.

It's better than me going out and having

sex with other women.

The place with the crows was the old

place.

Yeah, that was the second place.

It was a nice building, and I really liked

having a Japanese-style room Yeah, I love

Japanese-style rooms with the tatami mats.

They're really relaxing and peaceful to be

in.

And we had a nice big living room,

separate kitchen, sofa.

This place is good, it feels quite

spacious, but obviously it's not as big.

It's half the size as the second place

because there's no Japanese-style room.

But really, we don't need so many rooms.

We don't need a living room and the

Japanese room and the bedroom.

My wife isn't here most of the time, she's

at work,

so it's not really necessary.

And when she is here, we're sitting

together anyway.

It's not like we're at opposite ends of

the room avoiding each other.

So what's the point of having a huge place

if we're just going to be sat next to each

other anyway watching television?

Let's put my iPad in here.

Hopefully it's easy to put in and take

out.

How does it go in?

Oh, it just clips in.

Why can't they make one that's magnetic?

Do you think I could make one myself if I

was like a clever person?

What would a clever person be able to do?

I think my dream would be to be able to

clip off these corner bits and then

somehow attach a thin slab of magnetic

material here so the iPad could attach to

it.

Unfortunately, I'm stupid.

How does it go in?

Stupid thing.

Why can't they make this bit out of

magnets?

Oh, you just push it in.

The other one isn't going in.

I'm hungry.

The only reason I have to go outside is to

buy food.

The supermarket is literally 2 minutes

down the road, which is great, but then

it's also bad because I don't really have—

don't really have to spend much time

outside.

Just walk down to the supermarket.

I could go to the park, I guess.

The park's quite nice.

I miss playing football

in my garden.

That was one of the best bits of living in

England.

I had this huge garden, and when my dad

was alive, I didn't like going out into

the garden.

I felt like the garden was my dad's

territory.

I felt like I wasn't allowed to enjoy the

garden.

I know this sounds stupid.

But I really felt like when my dad was

alive, I felt like I didn't have access to

the garden.

But then after he died, I kind of felt

like, oh, he's not here anymore.

I guess I can go into the garden now and

enjoy it.

And I always wanted to rebel against him

because I always saw him working hard in

the garden, and I always wanted to, to be

like, oh, I don't care about a garden.

I don't want to have to work hard to

maintain it.

I don't need a garden, so I pretended that

I didn't care about it and I didn't want

one,

when actually it's really nice having a

garden.

I can't get this bit to clip in.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Ouch.

I'm still having nightmares every day

about my dad.

They're always the same.

It's always him lying in the bed and it's

me talking to him and then he's talking

back.

Most of the time, that's how the

nightmares are.

Okay, maybe you push it up first and then

push it down.

Oh, why can't they make things easy?

It won't go in.

I can get this corner in, but this corner

won't go in.

Isn't there an instruction book?

Instructions.

Okay, here we go.

So number one,

iPad or case, you know, blah blah blah,

put in the case.

It just says put in the case.

Obviously that's what you have to do.

Push down, push towards, and then push in.

What?

Makes no sense.

Oh, so you just have to force it in.

That's

weird.

So now I've turned my

iPad into a laptop,

and now it's really heavy.

I don't even know if I'm going to use

this, actually.

I don't even use my laptop, my gaming MSI

laptop now, because ever since I started

playing Darkest Dungeon,

I lost interest in Rainbow Six.

And now I don't play Rainbow Six, I don't

use the gaming laptop.

Might sell it.

Did Chihiro sell your old laptop?

Yes, she sold my old laptop, my old iPad.

She kept a few things like my Blue Yeti

microphone.

So how do I connect it to the iPad?

The good thing is the hinge is pretty

strong, so it keeps the iPad

standing up.

You told her she could sell your stuff.

I know.

I gave her permission.

Bit worried my iPad shows my address.

So how do I connect it?

Bluetooth.

Apple Pencil, Galaxy S10.

It's not showing up

other devices.

How do I connect it?

I don't like this little fluffy thing here

for the pen.

Why would I put my pencil in this hole

when I could put it at the top?

Look, I just put it here where it's

supposed to go.

I don't know if I'm going to use this

keyboard much.

Oh shit.

Okay, so how do I connect it?

Aha, Bluetooth on.

Okay, Bluetooth is on.

Um, Fn and C to connect.

It's not doing anything.

Maybe I'll turn off

Wi-Fi.

It says turn on Bluetooth, which I've

done.

And then press Fn and C,

but nothing happens.

Oh, it wasn't turned on.

Stupid.

It was off.

Okay, there it is.

iPad keyboard.

FN and C.

Why won't it connect?

Every day is Christmas for me.

'Cause I'm rich.

Pairing unsuccessful.

Well, fuck you.

Now I can do some serious work on this

iPad.

I have to say, I really like the iPad.

I was a bit skeptical at first.

I thought, oh, it's just a big iPhone, how

much difference would it be?

It's actually really nice to use an iPad.

It's just, number one, it's bigger than a

phone, so you have a nice big screen.

Number two, the multitasking is great.

You can split-screen apps, you can do a

third pop-up app, you can play video like

in a little pop-up video whilst you do

other things.

It's really quick, it doesn't make any

noise like the fan on the gaming laptop.

There's loads of great games on it like

Darkest Dungeon.

You can just sit back, relax.

I have these little floor chairs.

You see that chair?

I just sit back and relax on those chairs

with my iPad on my lap.

It's harder to do that with a big MSI

gaming laptop that has a bloody fan sounds

like an airplane taking off.

Still not connected.

I do regret getting the 11-inch instead of

the 12.9-inch.

It would be nicer if the screen was a bit

bigger.

I'm hungry.

And the pencil is great for drawing.

I love drawing on it.

I checked out the Surface Pro 6 at the

shop.

Glad I didn't get that.

The bezels are huge on it.

It looks ugly, just like your mum.

I'm really in love with it.

I'm very glad I bought it.

Why won't the stupid keyboard connect?

Oh, it says pairing took too long.

Make sure the iPad keyboard is turned on.

It is turned on.

If I turn Bluetooth on and off now,

there's 2 iPad keyboards.

Why,

by

the way, every time My wife goes into the

shower, her alarm on her phone starts

ringing, so I turn it off and I do a

sneaky swipe up to check her notifications

because for some reason she hasn't hidden

her notifications.

And every morning, nearly every morning,

she has notifications from Tinder saying

someone super liked you, and she had some

notifications from this other website

called dating.com.

I don't know if it's her actual profile,

or maybe she's made— maybe she made a fake

profile to try and catch me.

I don't know, I don't really care.

It used to really bother me when

she got notifications, but right now I

don't really care, to be honest.

Obviously I don't want her to see other

guys, but at the same time,

I don't really know how much I would care

if she was.

I guess I would care.

It'd be nice if she didn't.

Cheat on me.

Oh, it's connected.

So what can I do on it if I press— I

wonder if there's shortcuts.

Like, if I press home, does it go home?

What does this do?

Oh wow.

If I press this button, it closes down,

minimizes the application.

I want to open another application, but I

don't want to show you my private

information about this one.

Oh, that's pretty nice.

I like that.

And then there's— oh, there's brightness.

You can change the brightness using these

buttons.

That's really nice.

Otherwise you have to change the

brightness, usually you have to swipe down

and then use this thing.

It's quite nice having a button to do it.

Then we have keyboard button.

I don't know what this does.

Search button.

Oh, the search button pulls down the

search thing.

And there's— what's this?

I'm guessing it's copy and this must be

paste.

How do I make a new note?

I want to make a new one.

Okay, so

hello.

Can I do— oh, that's weird.

Oh, I just disconnected it by pressing

FNC.

Don't press FNC, it disconnects it.

Oh,

and I have to connect this stupid— why is

it so finicky to connect it?

It won't connect now.

What

kind of married couple uses Tinder?

I don't know.

I'm on Tinder, she's on Tinder.

She's on Japan Cupid.

I'm still— I still can't believe she went

on 5 dates.

I don't know, I sort of suspected that she

might be meeting up with guys.

She keeps saying that she didn't have sex,

so

I don't know if that's true or not.

Okay, it's connected this time.

Don't press Fn and C.

I want to do Select All, which is usually

Ctrl+A.

No, it doesn't do it.

How do I select all the text?

On Windows, it's Ctrl+A.

Maybe it's Cmd+A.

Oh wow!

Cmd+A selects all the text.

Cmd+A selects all the text in the

document.

And then I wonder if Command+C copies it

and then Command+V paste.

Wow, look,

it works!

And then if you Command+A and then just

get rid of it all, that's really cool.

Hello, my name is Daniel.

I like fucking and my dick smells

Like cheese on toast.

Please

fuck me.

I'm a professional writer now.

I can write stuff.

What should I write?

I'll write a story.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named

Daniel.

Oh, if I press spacebar twice, it does a

full stop.

His favorite

food was bacon and pot noodle,

and he loves Japanese girls because they

are so cute and soft to touch.

I love the way you press spacebar twice

and it does a full stop.

I feel like I'm working.

I feel productive.

One day, Daniel decided that he no longer

wanted to be a virgin and started saving

up money to go to— the annoying thing is

this, the whole thing keeps wobbling when

I'm typing.

It's not very stable.

Look, the whole thing wobbles.