My First Crush

Hey, and welcome back to another exciting

video. You know, yesterday I made a video

about this lens. I didn't actually realize

this, but I bought the exact same lens a

year ago on the exact same day, February

15th or something. Someone pointed it out

in the comments, and yeah, that was really

strange. It wasn't planned out. I didn't

buy it on the same day on purpose. It was

a complete coincidence. I won't be using

that lens to be making videos because it's

too zoomed in. I don't like it so zoomed

It looks like— it makes me look really

intense, and the audio's rubbish on that

camera, and it's a pain in the ass having

to record the audio separately and then

sync it up to the video. So I'm just gonna

do it how I used to do it, on my

smartphone. I didn't buy that lens to make

videos in the first place. I only bought

it because I'm going to Japan soon, and I

wanted a nice lens so I can take nice

photos. And that lens is just amazing. It

blurs out the background so nicely. It

gives this really cool, intense cinematic

effect when you take photos. So if you're

interested in seeing the photos that I

take, you can see my Instagram. My

Instagram account is @rabbitsatefamily.

They didn't actually eat my family, it's

just a username. When I go to Japan, I'm

not sure how much vlogging I'm going to be

doing. I tried this last year when I went

to Japan. I tried vlogging outside and

doing public vlogging, but I really hated

it because let's face it, I'm not Casey

Neistat. I'm not gonna be riding around

Tokyo making videos of myself speaking. I

just— I don't feel comfortable doing that.

I'll be making videos when I'm in Japan,

it just won't be outside. It'll be in the

hotel room, just so I can tell you what's

going on, giving you guys an update. So if

you were looking forward to me making

videos in Japan and showing you

interesting places and wacky things, you

might be a bit disappointed when my videos

are just gonna be me in the hotel room.

So I just thought I should let you know

about that, and let's get on with today's

video. The main topic. What are we talking

about? I wasn't sure if I wanted to make a

video about this because it's kind of

embarrassing revealing who my first crush

is. This was a long time ago, so I don't

really feel like it's embarrassing

anymore. So who was my first crush? Well,

my mum had this friend, this Malaysian

friend, and this Malaysian friend also

married a British guy. It was actually

this Malaysian friend and this British guy

who introduced my mum and dad to each

other. That's how they met. And this

Malaysian friend got married to this

British guy. The British guy was my dad's

best friend, actually, and they had 3

daughters. And I had a huge crush on

one of the daughters. When we were young,

they would come over our house all the

time. I used to get really nervous when

they used to come over. I'd be waiting by

the window waiting for their car to pull

into the drive, and when I saw the car

come, I'd start getting really nervous and

excited at the same time. I would switch

on my PlayStation 2 and pretend to be

playing games, so when they came up to my

room, it wouldn't be really awkward. And

they would come up to my room to say hi,

and I'd be pretending to play— to be

playing video games, and then they'd go

back downstairs, and I'd just be left

hiding in my room. I really wanted to turn

off my PlayStation and go downstairs and

join them, talk to them, but I just didn't

have the guts. I would just end up staying

in my room for half the day until my mum

called me for lunch. And then after we had

lunch, I would start getting comfortable,

getting used to them, gaining confidence,

and I would talk to them and we would play

games. And I used to feel really

disappointed because I had wasted half the

day hiding in my room. I wish I had just

gone downstairs and started talking to

them earlier. And by the time I felt

comfortable being around them and talking

to them, it would be their time to go

home, and I'd be really upset about that.

Even though they came over our house so

many times, so often, every time they came

over, I would feel incredibly nervous and

anxious. I would beg my sister to stay in

my room so we could play games together,

but my sister was always a lot more

confident than me, and she would go

downstairs and mingle with them, and I'd

just be left in my room playing on my own

with my PlayStation. I think everyone

thought I was really weird because I would

just be hiding in my room for half the

day, even when we had guests over, and I

wouldn't come downstairs until lunchtime

or dinnertime. And that was because I was

just so nervous and scared of going

downstairs. I didn't know what to do. I

didn't know how to handle the situation.

I really wanted to go downstairs, but I

was scared to, so I ended up hiding in my

room. For half of the day. I feel like I

need to be invited to be able to join in

with people. I'm not comfortable just

going up to people and inserting myself

into a social situation. I need to be

invited. I need to be— I need to feel like

I'm being welcomed. I really felt like

they were family because they were also

half Malaysian, half British like me. And

although I had other family, other

cousins, they were all white. I didn't

really feel like they were real family.

And it wasn't until I was around the age

of 14 that I started to realize that I

really liked one of the, um, one of my

mum's friend's daughters. At first it was

really strange because I always felt like

she was kind of like a sister, like a

cousin, like a family member. And to start

having these kind of romantic feelings

towards her was really strange and

confusing at the time. I used to start

doing these weird things to try and get

her attention. For example, She would be

sitting down and I'd pick up the cat and

I'd like drop the cat onto her. I thought

it was really funny, but the cat would go

crazy and start like scratching everywhere

and trying, trying to grab onto her arm.

And the cat ended up scratching her arm

really badly and she started to bleed.

And everyone was pretty angry and I got

told off by my parents. And I used to

start doing really immature and childish

things to try and get her attention. And

she would end up saying things like, you

look like a 10-year-old, you look like a

child, and this really used to hurt my

feelings. There was this one time when

they came over and I found her handbag,

and I rummaged through her handbag and I

found her mobile phone, and I opened her

phone up, I unlocked it, and I found her

phone number, and I entered her phone

number into my phone. I was actually

really surprised because she had the exact

same phone that I did, And I was really

happy about this. I felt like we were

connected. I felt like we had the same

taste in technology. I asked her if she

wanted to swap phone cases since we had

the same phone, but she had a different

color phone case. She said okay, and we

ended up switching the back plates of our

phone cases. So I had my front— the front

part of my case, and she had the back part

of my case, and I had the back part of her

case or something like that. I can't

remember. I felt really happy about this.

I felt like it was something a boyfriend

and a girlfriend would do, sharing phone

cases. She was a bit angry. She said to

me, Daniel, you shouldn't go through other

people's handbags and rummage around. So

since I had her phone number, after she

went home, I started sending her text

messages. I can't remember what we were

actually talking about, but I used to send

her silly text messages. And I used to

phone her, but every time she answered the

phone, I would hang up. I did this like 5

to 6 times. I really wanted to phone her

and talk to her, but every time she

answered, I felt really nervous and I

ended up hanging up as soon as possible.

And then she sent a text message to me

saying, Daniel, if you want to phone and

talk, that's fine, but don't keep prank

calling me and hanging up every time I

answer. And I was like, what? How did you

know it was me? I was so embarrassed. We

texted for a bit more and then One day she

just stopped replying to me. I would find

out later that she had lost her phone. I

don't know if that was a lie or not. I was

so upset that I couldn't send her text

messages anymore. And this is where the

tragic part starts. Around the time I was

starting to develop these romantic

feelings towards her was around the same

time that my mum was getting fed up with

their mum because they would be coming

over to our house all the time. My mum

would always invite them over. Cook them a

really nice meal, open a nice bottle of

wine, and they never invited us over to

their house once. They never invited us

over for, for food or for dinner, and my

mum was getting really fed up with this.

She would say that her friend was really

stingy and selfish, and she would just

stop inviting them over. My mum's a really

friendly and generous person, but if you

don't return the generosity and the

friendliness, then She just starts to

consider you as an enemy. And I would just

be wondering, when are they coming over

again? How come they don't come over

anymore? And I couldn't ask my mum. I

couldn't ask her, when are they coming

over next? Because I was really

embarrassed and terrified of people

finding out that I had a crush on this

girl. Every time my mum started speaking

Chinese on the phone, I'd get really

excited. I'd be like, are they coming

over? Is my mum speaking to her mum? Are

they making plans for them to come over

again? And I'd ask my mum, who were you

talking to? And she would say she was

talking to a different friend or one of

her family members from Malaysia. And I'd

feel so disappointed. I'd feel like

something just dropped in my chest, and I

started to lose hope. I started to realize

that they're not coming over again. My mum

and their mum were on really bad terms.

They were hardly even speaking. I would

just be hoping and wishing that they would

come over again so I could see that girl

that I had a crush on. And she wasn't

responding to my text messages, so I had

no way of communicating with her. This was

pre-Facebook time, and I just entered this

state of complete depression which lasted

for almost 2 years, from the age of 14

until 16. I was just completely obsessed

with this girl. I used to go into our

photo collections of photographs, and I'd

try and find photos of her, and I'd cut

out her face and And I'd have like a

collection and put it in this box and hide

it in my room. It was so creepy. It was

around this time of depression that I

started listening to kind of emo, angsty,

depressing bands like My Chemical Romance,

Killswitch Engage, Linkin Park. And I

started wearing black clothing. All my

clothes were black. I had black shirts,

black trousers, black hoodies. I felt like

I could really relate to the things that

these metal bands were singing about.

This is why even to this day my favorite

band ever is My Chemical Romance. Every

time I listen to one of their songs, it

just, it takes me back to the time I was a

teenager and I was experiencing all these

strange and confusing emotions. So around

2 years passed and my mum never invited

them over again during that time. I

reached the age of 16 and I just, I gave

up. I realized that it just wasn't going

to happen. And I started to lose interest

in her. I started getting addicted to Star

Wars Galaxies and World of Warcraft, and I

just, I stopped thinking about her

altogether. In 2010, my mum actually

invited them over, and they all came over

for lunch or something, but by then I had

my Japanese girlfriend and I was preparing

to go to Japan for the first time, so I

had completely lost all interest in seeing

her. They came over for lunch and we all

sat at the table eating and I didn't even

speak to her. I didn't even look at her.

I just ate. I sat there eating. My parents

were talking. They were talking with each

other. I was just sitting there eating as

well in silence. And that was it. That was

the last time I ever saw her. That was 7

years ago now. 7 years. I can't believe

it. I can't believe it's been such a long

time. It's just so strange because they

were in our lives for all of our

childhood. They were coming over so many

times, so often, and then we grew up and

they just— it's just like they disappeared

from your life. It's just like they

vanished. It's like they grew up, they

went their own separate ways, and, and we

never even hear from them anymore. It's

really sad. I felt really betrayed. I felt

really abandoned. I mean, we practically

grew up together. We were in each other's

lives for almost all of our childhood,

and, and then you grow up and we

don't even talk anymore. It's just

strange. It's like at one moment we're in

each other's lives, and then the next

moment we've grown up and we've gone our

separate ways. It took me a long time to

realize that people from your childhood

aren't gonna stick around. They're gonna

grow up. They're gonna have their own

lives. They're gonna go their own way.

And there's a very high chance that you're

never ever gonna hear from them again. I

actually spoke to her once on Facebook

after I came back from Japan. Um,

I think we talked a bit about Japan and

she asked me, didn't I want to go to

university? I said, no, not really.

And I think she was saying something like

she can't believe that she's 22. And how

old she felt.

She also told me that she had lost her

phone. That was why she couldn't respond

to my text messages anymore. So that was

nice that she remembered to tell me that.

There was actually this time a few years

ago when my mum invited them over, and I

was really excited again, just like the

old days. I thought I was gonna see her

again, but she didn't come. It was just

her parents. My mum only invited her mum

and her dad. Well, obviously they're not

kids anymore. Why would they come?

They're grown-ups. They have their own

lives now. So I was really disappointed.

I thought they were all going to come like

they used to, but it was just their

parents. And, and again, I felt that drop

in my chest, that feeling of

disappointment that I hadn't felt for such

a long time. There were a few times when I

was very tempted to tell her that I had a

crush on her on Facebook. I just wondered

what her reaction would be if I just

suddenly sent her a message on Facebook

and Hey, I had a really big crush on you

when we were kids. Bye. I wonder what she

would say. I don't think she would say

much. She would just say like, oh, okay.

I think it was a good idea that I never

told her or expressed my feelings towards

her because she would have just rejected

me. And sometimes I look at her Facebook

page just to See what she's up to.

She has a boyfriend now. No, no, I'm not

stalking her. I'm just curious. I'm just

curious. Well, that was a fun story.

I feel really depressed now. Thanks.

Thanks for that.